Ode to 5039: Why I wasn't as fast as Joseph Schooling to S'pore Pools

Speed
That’s what you need
To beat the rest
And be the best
To get the gold
Before you get too old
And speed is what I lack
That’s why I’m always behind the pack
I wanted to buy the 4D number 5039
But it was sold out
So all I could do was pout

50.39 seconds was Joseph Schooling’s history-making time
In the Olympics 100m butterfly
Leaving the runners-up in a three-way tie
Even Michael Phelps who has the most gold
Couldn’t beat the 21-year-old

August 13, 2016

Just as Phelps wasn’t fast enough in the pool
I wasn’t speedy enough to get to Singapore Pools
Before it was too late
Condemning me to my fate

You know why I was so slow?
Because I was playing Pokemon Go
Why did I stop to catch the stupid Zubat?
I already have too many of that
And that’s why the game is evil
And should be made illegal

This is the first Olympic gold Singapore has ever won
Which is better than finding a rare Pokemon

Oh, how we roared
As we watched Schooling top the leaderboard
We would’ve been aghast
If it were a delayed telecast

Even the President was there in Rio
I hope he doesn’t get bitten by a mosquito
At least the pool wasn’t green
If I dive into it, will I get gangrene?

I couldn’t stop the tears in my eyes
When I saw the Singapore flag rise
And heard the National Anthem
As Schooling stood on the podium
Majulah Singapura
It can still move us from afar

August 13, 2016

Detractors say Schooling is ang moh
His father says no
His son is Eurasian
100 per cent Singaporean
But his mother is Malaysian
Doesn’t that make him 50 per cent Malaysian?



For all that Schooling has done for our country, an online poll queries:
Should he be exempted from full-time national service?
My answer is negative
NS should not be treated as punitive
To waive NS as a reward to those you think deserving
Is a slap in the face to those who have served and are serving



But do I think the Government should declare a public holiday?
Sure, anything to get out of work and hit the hay
Even though we just had National Day
If Fiji can do it, why not us, I say
Is that too much to ask for?
Singapore has never won gold in the Olympics before

For his 50.39-second feat
Schooling is in for a real treat
He will get a million bucks
Meanwhile my life still sucks
I just wish I knew
Whether he plays Pokemon Go too

- Published in The New Paper, 14 August 2016