S M Ong

Is this what they mean by the Queen’s English?

Last week, the Speak Good English Movement launched a new campaign with a series of videos starring comedian Kumar as the “Queen of Grammar”.

Wait, you say. Isn’t Kumar a man? Shouldn’t he be the “King of Grammar”.

Wrong word used. That is hardly very good English.

Well, Kumar is dressed like woman in the videos, specifically a queen with a tiara and all that.

So the Grammar Queen is also a drag queen.

Wait, you say. Why is a national campaign using a drag queen to teach us good English?

A drag queen is hardly a very good role model, especially for children.

Well, at least it’s not Phua Chu Kang.

But have you seen Kumar’s stage act? Not exactly what I would call family-friendly.

The thing is that there are actually two Kumars – the M18-rated stage version and the G-rated TV version.

This is how the comedian has reigned since the early 90s.

I first worked with Her Highness 20 years ago on a variety TV show on Channel 5 called Live On 5.

I was the “research writer” on the show although I did very little writing and even less research.

I spent most of my time at work watching my fat Australian boss play Doom on his office PC. Good times.

The weekly show had a movie review segment, for which I had to book a guest to review the movie.

One week, the movie was to be the Mel Brooks comedy Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

I thought who better to review a movie about men in tights than Kumar, who was then already famous for performing in drag at The Boom Boom Room in Bugis.

But my boss, during a cigarette break in between gunning down inter-dimensional demonic monsters in Doom, expressed reservations.

Kumar was a controversial figure.

He had recently been featured on the front page of The New Paper with the headline “Who says I’m gay?”

He claimed he was not, which no one believed (except me).

But in 2011, he revealed in the book, Kumar: From Rags To Drag, that yes, he is gay.

So everyone was right (except me).

Another reason for my boss’s reservations was that he thought Kumar was banned from TV after The Ra Ra Show.

Kumar was one of the stars of The Ra Ra Show, which was a sketch comedy series that was cancelled after complaints about Singlish and supposed sexual innuendos on the show.

One innuendo that the show was accused of involved a gear stick in a car in a sketch. You can imagine.

Kumar wasn’t even in that sketch.

Still, my boss was understandably reluctant to allow me to book such a controversial figure as it might get him into trouble and keep him from playing Doom.

So he asked his boss: Was Kumar really banned from TV?

To my relief, my bigger boss said no.

However, he was quick to add, the cross-dressing stage version of Kumar was.

But as long as Kumar was not dressed as a woman, it was okay to have him on Live On 5.

Fortunately, going drag wasn’t a requirement for the movie review segment.

When I called Kumar on the phone to invite him on the show, the first thing he said was “I thought I was banned.”

I told him what my bigger boss told me.

Kumar then agreed to be on the show and asked what movie he had to review.

I said Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

“Oh,” he said, “how appropriate.”

I thought so too.

I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t called Kumar back in 1994, would he still think he was banned from TV?

I might have changed the course of Singapore TV history and Kumar’s career more than I realised.

Since then, he has appeared many times on the small screen, even co-starring with Hong Kong star Carol Cheng on the Channel 5 sitcom Oh Carol! in 2002.

He can currently be seen on TV in the Channel 5 infotainment series Kumar Goes Back To School, not in drag of course.

I would like to say that Kumar has yet to be allowed to wear a dress on TV, but that’s not true.

I remember seeing him play a woman on a Channel 5 sitcom a few years ago, although I don’t remember the name of the sitcom.

I was then told Kumar was allowed to play a woman on TV, but he was not allowed to play a man playing a woman.

Did you get that?

In other words, it would be okay to cast him as the lead in the TV biopic of Zoe Tay but not in the TV biopic of Jack Neo.

You know, since Neo used to play women like Liang Po Po and Liang Xi Mei.

The Speak Good English Movement videos aren’t produced for TV, but what you get is more or less the G-rated TV version of Kumar.

Except that he’s in drag.

But thanks to 20 years of Kumar on TV, Singapore has been conditioned to accept a drag queen as the face of a national campaign.

And I apologise for that.

Long live the queen.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 June 2014

EARLIER: Kumar lied! I will never believe celebrities again

So this year, McDonald's let people pre-order its new Hello Toys collection online to prevent the chaotic queues of previous years.

But to give myself a challenge and a purpose in life, I decided to try and collect all six Hello Kitty Bubbly World toys by getting each toy at a McDonald's outlet as it is released one at a time each week.

Although there were no queues in the first week, I remember how last year, the queues started forming only in the final weeks of the promotion.

True enough, at the start of the second week of this year's promotion, Stomp published a report that the queues were back.

But that turned out to be a false alarm. When I bought my second Bubbly World Hello Kitty at the McDonald's Yew Tee outlet, there was no queue.

There were also no queues for the next two Hello Kittys.

But when my wife went to buy the fifth toy for me, she had to queue, though not for very long.

That got me worried. Was it going to be a repeat of last year with queues in the last two weeks?

Coincidentally or not, like last year, the final Hello Kitty toy for this year is also black.

If I fail to get that final Hello Kitty toy to complete my collection, all my efforts would be for nothing.

My life would be meaningless.

Fortunately, I got the black Hello Kitty yesterday with no problem. My collection is complete.

Life is worth living again.

That is, until next year.

EARLIER:

How I failed to get the black Hello Kitty

The long tortured death of my balloon Singing Bone Hello Kitty

Talk about talking cock.

On Wednesday, The Star newspaper in Malaysia reported something big.

Or so it seemed.

At a press conference to warn consumers about online scams, chairman of Malaysia’s customer complaints bureau Michael Chong mentioned three people who had complained to him that they had been duped by online scammers this year.

One of the victims was a man who ordered a RM450 (S$175) penis enlarger online and was deflated when he received a magnifying glass.

It came with the instruction: “Do not use in direct sunlight.”

On reading The Star report, a colleague said to me: “Sounds like you.”

Wait, what?

How did it sound like me?

I don’t believe I have ever expressed a desire to increase the dimensions of any part of my genitalia to anyone.

Just my luck the man who ordered the penis enlarger was identified in the report as someone named Ong.

Yes, my surname is also Ong, but that’s just a coincidence. I am sure there are millions of people in this world with the name Ong.

Like my father.

Not that I'm accusing my father of ordering penis enlarger online, especially since he has been dead for more than 10 years.

So it would be very difficult for him to order anything online since dead people don't usually have a valid credit card although credit card companies give credit cards to practically anyone nowadays.

I was at The PC Show with my daughter on Thursday and more than one promoter offered her a credit card application even though she is only in Secondary 3.

Anyway, my point is, even though I have a valid credit card – several, in fact – I have and would never order a penis enlarger online.

Have I made that very clear?

Actually, all this denial is kind of moot.

A day after The Star report came out and was picked up by news outlets around the world including the Daily Mail in UK, the story was revealed to be a hoax.

So there was no one named Ong who ordered a penis enlarger online and received a magnifying glass.

Vindication!

The Star reported that Mr Chong, the Malaysian customer complaints bureau chairman, clarified that he brought up the example at the press conference to highlight the dangers of buying stuff online.

He didn’t know it was a hoax at first. “Many of my friends, whom I trust, forwarded the message to me and requested that I warn the public about the scam,” Mr Chong told The Star.

Chong said he received many calls from acquaintances after the story was published. “The story had them laughing, no doubt. If humour is what it takes for the message to sink in, then where’s the harm in that?”

Well, the harm is that innocent people like me are wrongly accused of ordering a penis enlarger online.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Some of my closest friends order penis enlargers online. Actually, that’s not true. I have no friends.

At least, my ordeal was over. Or so it seemed.

On Thursday, Singapore’s Minister of Foreign Affairs, Mr K Shanmugam, posted on Facebook:

“Some days ago, I wrote on the work done by MFA officers providing consular services.

“Singaporeans are making more overseas trips, almost 7 million last year compared to 3.6 million a decade ago.

“From time to time, they run into trouble and seek help from our consular staff. We handled over 3,000 consular cases last year.

“Many cases are genuine. But sometimes we do get odd requests.”

And he gave this example:

“A Singaporean sought MFA’s assistance for a refund after he had gotten illegal sexual services in a foreign country. He wasn’t satisfied with what he had gotten.

We had to tell him that MFA could not help!”

On reading the minister’s post, another colleague said to me: “Sounds like you.”

Wait, what?

How did it sound like me?

The last time I was out of the country was six years ago when I went to South Korea with my family.

It would’ve been very difficult for me to sneak out to obtain any unsatisfactory illegal sexual services, much less seek MFA’s assistance to get a refund.

I don’t know whether to feel more insulted that my colleague believed that I am a man who would pay for illegal sexual services or I am a man who would try to get a refund.

Why is this happening to me?

Do I look like someone who would complain to a government agency when my carnal and sizing needs are not met?

Why do people get the impression that I’m in the market for a penis enlarger and illegal sexual services in the first place?

Then on Friday, I sort of found out why.

My wife happened to see my new IC which replaced the one I lost last year.

She looked at my photo and said: “You look like a pimp.”

Wait, what?

How do I look like a pimp?

“It’s that stupid expression you have on your face,” she said.

What expression?

“Like a pimp.”

Oh, thank you very much.

At least, now I have a clue why my colleagues think I’m a magnifying glass-buying sex tourist.

I’m grateful Mr Shanmugam didn’t divulge the identity of the guy seeking the refund.

With my luck, his name is probably Ong too.

- Published in The New Paper, 8 June 2014

After firing Roy Ngerng, who is being sued by PM Lee Hsien Loong for defamation, Tan Tock Seng Hospital released this statement:

"While our staff are free to pursue their personal interests outside work, they must conduct themselves properly, honorably and with integrity. In particular, they cannot defame someone else without basis, which essentially means knowingly stating a falsehood to the public."

Some are accusing the hospital of jumping the gun by assuming that Ngerng is guilty of defamation before he has even gone to court.

The thing is, in his letter of apology to the PM last month, didn't Ngerng pretty much "admit and acknowledge" defaming the PM in his blog?

From what I understand, the PM is taking Ngerng to court because Ngerng didn't meet the PM's other demands.

So I don't think TTSH overstepped by implying that Ngerng had defamed "someone else without basis".

Maybe the hospital can sue for defamation? Nah, just kidding.

UPDATE: Blogger's lawyer asks TTSH and MOH to 'exercise restraint'

So I screwed up again.

On Feb 19, I registered for the National Vertical Marathon at the 63-story OUB Centre at Raffles Place. I had taken part in the same event last year when it was held at the 48-storey Asia Square.

On April 23, I signed up my family for the 5km PAssian Mappy Race at Japanese Garden in Jurong.

I didn't look carefully at the dates of the events. Since registration for each event opened two months apart, I assumed the events would also be two months apart.

I was wrong.

Both events were on June 8 morning.

I was screwed.

What should I do?

Because the runners for the vertical marathon were flagged off in batches, I thought I could get to Raffles Place really early and persuade - or beg if I had to - the organisers to give me an earlier flag-off time for me to make the Mappy Race flag-off at 7:45am.

I was wrong.

On Sunday morning, I reached Raffles Place by taxi a few minutes after 6am.

After collecting my race T-shirt and race bib, I was told my race would start only at 7am.

The race would take about 20 minutes. That wouldn't give me enough time to get to Japanese Garden from there.

I asked the organisers if I could start the race earlier... or much, much later (like after the Mappy Race).

They said no.

I decided to skip the National Vertical Marathon, which I paid $26 to join, and took the MRT train from Raffles Place to Chinese Garden for the Mappy Race, which was the priority as I was running it with my family.

At least I got a nice blue (not red) National Vertical Marathon T-shirt for the $26. I even wore it for the Mappy Race.

Here are some pics from the race.

The compass and map we were given for orienteering.

At the starting line with the guest of honour, MP Cedric Foo (in white).

Japanese Garden.

On the bridge joining Japanese Garden and Chinese Garden.

Chinese Garden.

At a checkpoint wearing the National Vertical Marathon T-shirt .

Near the finish line.

Checking in at the finish line.

Our results.

And of course, at the end of every race, the comforting sight of the Milo truck.

Today, The Straits Times published a report about the Wikipedia page on the People's Action Party being vandalised.

Soon after, Mr Baey Yam Keng, who was quoted in the report, posted this on Instagram.

He also added this comment:

I have requested @straits_times to make a file correction as I DID NOT "call on ruling party to consider legal action".

Mr Baey's Instagram post was then reported by Channel News Asia.

I was very confused by the MP's Instagram comment and the CNA report. They give the impression that The Straits Times had somehow misquoted Mr Baey.

I re-read everything carefully again and again, and I think I finally figured out what happened.

ST didn't misquote Mr Baey.

This is what the newspaper reported:

"Wikipedia has made it clear that these edits constitute vandalism and they are certainly not something we would condone or support," said Mr Baey.

"Whether any legal action can be taken is something we need to consider. We need to look at whether there is indeed any legal recourse for us. Ultimately it is quite a vicious attack."

Mr Baey said the PAP "respects that Wikipedia is an open source platform and anyone with an account can go in and do edits, but there is a certain expected code of conduct on Wikipedia and this is certainly not acceptable".

He added that the party had not decided whether to make a police report.

None of that is the problem.

The problem is that the headline writer summarised and paraphrased what Mr Baey said into "MP calls for ruling party to consider legal action".

And that is what my man-crush wants a correction for. Not anything in the report per se, but the sub-head.

Nowhere in the report did Mr Baey actually call for PAP to consider legal action, although "We need to look at whether there is indeed any legal recourse for us" comes pretty close. That's the danger of paraphrasing.

So the ST reporter didn't misquote him.

It was the ST headline writer who might have misrepresented Mr Baey's quotes (at least according to Mr Baey).

As a sub-editor myself, I can empathise. It's very hard to give good head.

UPDATE:

ST published a clarification the next day and Mr Baey responded again on Instagram:

I thank @straits_times for making the file correction and publishing a clarification today.

I have a confession to make.

No, I’m not admitting to holding up the queue at the Redhill hawker centre on Thursday night and made Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong wait 30 minutes for chicken wings.

I’m more a yong tau foo guy.

My confession has to do with something I did on Wikipedia that I shouldn’t have.

You know how last week, the Wikipedia page on the People’s Action Party (PAP) was vandalised?

It all started on Wednesday when someone with the user name AlikVesilev made a few changes on the page.

They include changing “People’s Action Party” to “Party Against People” and adding a long rant about how blogger Roy Ngerng was fired from his hospital job “because he had spoken against the Party Against People’s government ruling of CPF”.

Within a minute of AlikVesilev’s changes, they were automatically undone by a bot, citing “possible vandalism”.

Not so easily deterred, AlikVesilev reinstated his changes two minutes later. But eight minutes later, his changes were reversed by another user.

And so the PAP wiki page remained vandalism-free – for about 14 hours.

On Thursday, a user named Pomint (possibly AlikVesilev in disguise) reinstated all the Party Against People stuff, kicking off a flurry of edits by different users in a 90-minute span.

It became so messy and confusing that at one point, the bot, which had earlier removed the vandalism, actually reinstated the vandalism.

In the whole of last month, the PAP wiki page was edited six times. On Thursday alone, the page was edited 22 times – plus another 28 times on Friday.

One of the Friday edits was to include an entry about “an edit war between vandals and editors of Wikipedia” over the page, which started just a day earlier. How prompt. How meta.

The vandals have since been repelled (for now). No more “Party Against People”. The edit war is over (if you want it).

I didn’t have anything to do with any of that.

Although during the edit war, I thought about going into the PAP wiki page and type some nonsense like “World Cup referee kayu!” just to see what would happen, but then I realised I don’t really watch football.

But this Wikipedia saga has forced me to confront my own guilt, which is why I want to make this confession.

I have edited my own Wikipedia page.

This is a strict no-no because of the obvious conflict of interest. I had resisted doing so for a long time until one day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and did it.

Forgive me, wikigods, for I have sinned.

Several times.

In my defence, I did not create the wiki page about myself myself and I couldn’t let the inaccuracies go uncorrected.

I didn’t want to be like my former New Paper colleague Sylvia Toh Paik Choo, whose wiki page still says that she lives in the Bahamas and she doesn’t.

According to Wikipedia (what else?), my wiki page was created on Feb 12, 2012, by a retired assistant vice-principal of a US high school, who lives with his wife in a farmhouse in rural Pocahontas County, Iowa.

His name is Edgar Vekilnik, Jr.

I don’t know any Edgar Vekilnik, Jr. I have never been to Iowa. I don’t know how he knows me.

It was kind of disconcerting to discover some stranger living halfway around the world writing about you on one of the planet’s most visited websites.

I felt like I was losing control of my own identity. It was worse than losing my identity card, which I have also done.

Especially when the things written about me were not true, even if it was just little things.

Like me being “the writer and producer of Phua Chu Kang The Movie”.

The fact is I only wrote the script. I wasn’t the producer. And I’m not just saying that because of how poorly the movie was received.

So I went into my wiki page and deleted “and producer”.

Almost immediately, I had cold feet and in Singapore’s climate, that should be preventable.

I went back into my wiki page and undeleted my deletion.

Some time later, I changed my mind again and tried to get back into my wiki page, but I was blocked.

I had been flagged as a vandal for editing my own page. I was banned from editing anything on Wikipedia for six months.

After six months, I went in and made all the corrections I wanted to make, like the name of the show I wrote that won the Asian TV Award for best comedy in 2005. It was Daddy’s Girls, not Phua Chu Kang (although I was an executive producer of the latter show).

Conflict of interest be damned.

While I was at it, I considered moving my friend Paik Choo back to Singapore but decided she might actually prefer living in the Bahamas.

I then waited to see if I would be banned again. I wasn’t.

Emboldened, I uploaded a nice picture of myself taken by my wife in 2011 at VivoCity to Wikipedia. It’s still there.

And so is the guilt.

Maybe some Redhill chicken wings will make me feel better. Uh... I mean yong tau foo.

Don’t play, play with Wikipedia.

- Published in The New Paper, 15 June 2014

EARLIER: Thanks, Wikipedia, for giving me my own page, but...

Yesterday, I had lunch with one of my first TV bosses whom I haven't seen in years.

His name is Neil Wilson and he now looks like Santa Claus.

Neil is from Australia. I first met him in December 1993 after I was hired to write for a new Channel 5 variety show called Live On 5, which would introduce the world to Gurmit Singh.

Neil was the executive producer of the show and didn't have the beard then.

Here for a visit, Neil says he now thinks Singapore is one of the greatest cities in world ("Everything works!"), although 20 years ago, he hated it.

Every time he got frustrated at MediaCorp (or Singapore Broadcasting Corporation, as it was called then), he would listen to the song Down On The Border by the Aussie group Little River Band.

According to Neil, the song was written after the band weren't allowed to play in Singapore because of their long hair.

Here are the lyrics:

I just got back from the border
And what I saw, made me know for sure
We're out of order

I had a dream about New Orleans
At Jackson Square, I heard their prayer
Down in New Orleans

On the run, there's a life for livin'
But the people there, they just don't care
Livin' their life like a millionaire
Down on the border

You never see me in old Iran
The women there don't know who I am
In old Iran

And I never will go to Singapore
The people there will cut your hair
In Singapore

On their streets there's a life of plenty
Oh, but they'll never know about the freedom show
They're livin' in darkness years ago
Down on the border

They built a wall at the border
Not to keep us out but to leave no doubt
They're out of order, hey

And all the people who are trapped within
Serve to show just how far we'll go
And how dumb we've been

At the top life looks so easy
But they'll never know what they'll never know
They're much too busy countin' all their dough
From the border, from the border

This is a revelation to me. I'm a fan of LRB, but I never knew about this song, which was released in 1982.

Of course, nowadays, bands with long hair are welcomed in Singapore, although gay anthems may not be.

To paraphrase another LRB song, it's a long way there, it's a long way to where we're going.

Yes, I cried at the movie.

It was about two young people in love and one of them dies.

I am, of course, talking about The Amazing Spider-Man 2.

Having teared up once (okay, maybe twice) in the cinema this year is more than enough. I have a manly man image to protect.

That is why I refused to watch The Fault In Our Stars with my teen daughter who is a fan of the John Green novel the movie is based on.

I saw the trailer. I read the reviews. And the spoilers. So I let her see the weepie with her mother.

Now that I think about it, The Fault In Our Stars and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 are practically the same movie (except one of them has a giant metal rhino in it).

Both movies are about loving someone even though you know you could get hurt in the end.

Which sort of describes my relationship with Jem.

Yes, I’m talking about the incident-prone Jurong East mall celebrating its first birthday this month.

I love Jem. It’s near where I live and convenient to get to.

I just saw How To Train Your Dragon 2 there on Monday. No, I didn’t cry at that one.

I took my mum to the Din Tai Fung restaurant there for a Mother’s Day dinner. I cried when I saw the bill.

I know for some of you, it must come as a shock that Jem is even still around, considering all that has happened to the mall since it opened a year ago.

It’s a wonder the ground didn’t simply open up and swallow the whole structure by now.

If a meteor should hit Earth, Jem would be the point of impact.

If Godzilla should ever visit Singapore, Jem would be the first building levelled.

If Jem were in the World Cup, it would be England. (I’m not saying Spain because Spain were at least champions four years ago.)

To quote John Green: “There is no shortage of fault to be found amid our stars.”

And yet. And yet!

Like Tom Cruise’s movie career and the character he plays in Edge Of Tomorrow, Jem just refuses to say die.

You have to admire that.

To quote Green again: “Our fearlessness shall be our secret weapon.”

It’s going to take more than a delayed opening, two fires in four days, a false ceiling collapse, a broken glass door, a power failure and a Wikipedia page listing all these incidents to bring Jem down.

Not even a newer, sexier mall next door called Westgate, which opened about six months after Jem.

There was no delayed opening due to fire permits not being ready or other mishaps at Westgate.

The worst thing that happened there was when the resurrected Borders bookstore died (again).

Someone should shoot it in the head to make sure it doesn’t come back as a zombie (again).

But forget Westgate.

So what if it still has Isetan, Tim Ho Wan and the place in the basement that sells waffle burgers?

That’s right, these burgers have waffles for buns.

And you thought the new Burger King Transformers beef and chicken Whopper Bot was insane.

Waffle burgers are insaner.

Forget all that.

Jem is celebrating its first birthday and nothing is going to dampen the festivity, goddammit!

Not even waffle burgers.

Cue the indoor rain.

On Tuesday, it appeared to rain inside the mall.

Was it the urinating woman from Pinnacle@Duxton emptying a particularly full bladder in the Jem lift?

Or was it the tears from people watching The Fault In Our Stars in the Cathay Cineplex on the fifth storey?

No, it can’t be because the indoor rain happened on Tuesday and the movie opened only on Thursday.

And nobody’s bladder can be that full.

This is what Jem posted on Facebook to explain what happened:

“At 12:15pm, 17th June, the atrium side water sprinklers on level 3 in the mall were triggered, affecting a small section of the mall’s common areas on Levels B1, 1 and 2 and some tenancies in those areas.

“The water has been cleared from those areas by 4:00pm the same day. Jem remains open to shoppers and public.”

Did you read that?

“Jem remains open to shoppers and public.”

It wasn’t going to let a little water rain on its birthday parade. Sprinklers shprinklers.

I guess I should count myself lucky that for all the times I have been to Jem, I have yet to encounter a single mishap, although sometimes I feel like I’m missing out.

The worst thing that happened to me at Jem was when I went to buy movie tickets at Cathay last month and was told they only sold food and drinks at that counter. I had to go to another counter to buy tickets. I was so embarrassed.

But I suppose it’s only a matter of time that one day, the false ceiling would fall on me and I would drown in a flash flood and simultaneously burn to death at Jem.

And when that day comes, I would (mis)quote The Fault In Our Stars one last time: “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world... but you do have some say in who hurts you.

“I like my choices.”

Sniffle.

You need a tissue?

- Published in The New Paper, 22 June 2014

EARLIER: Jem’s jam more shocking than Wong Li-lin’s divorce

The Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) has called out the objectification of women in the newspaper I work for.

Here is what Aware posted on Facebook today with a photo of a page in today's New Paper about babes at the World Cup:

I agree with Aware that the objectification of women is wrong.

I also want to object to the objectification of men in the same paper on the same day which Aware has failed to mention.

This is why we need Amare.

But it seems journalist-turned-blogger Bertha Henson rather enjoys the objectification of men:

Hubba hubba.

It is clearly an issue that has divided the nation.

What started as a simple gathering of folks from different walks of life coming together for a common cause turned into a major controversy in Singapore last week.

There are those who are against it. There are those who support it. There are those who couldn’t care less.

What it comes down to is compassion versus the law. Community versus authority. Openness versus intolerance. Us versus them. Argentina versus Nigeria.

It’s about The Powers That Be crushing the Little Guy like a butterfly on a wheel, even though the Little Guy was only trying to help his fellow butterflies.

Or maybe moths are a better analogy, since I’m still seeing those damn bugs all over the place.

Actually, “A butterfly on a wheel” is the title of an article in The Economist about Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s defamation suit against former Tan Tock Seng Hospital patient coordinator Roy Ngerng, which the PM’s press secretary rebutted recently.

Butterfly On A Wheel also happens to be the title of my favourite song by UK goth band The Mission, led by a guy who used to be in another great UK goth band, The Sisters Of Mercy.

Which makes me wonder if the person who wrote the headline for The Economist article is a goth fan. I’m assuming the PM’s press sec is not.

But I’m not talking about Mr Ngerng.

I’m also not talking about the Pink Dot event at Hong Lim Park yesterday, which encountered opposition from religious groups.

A Wear White movement was started to protest against the Pink Dot event.

But what if you’re a black-wearing goth fan who wants to join the anti-gay movement? Would wearing grey be a suitable compromise?

And it seems homophobic goth fans are not the only ones facing a sartorial dilemma when it comes to picking what colour to wear.

On Friday, my man-crush and Member of Parliament for Tampines GRC Baey Yam Keng pondered on Instagram: “What to wear for tomorrow’s rice distribution? Red, white or blue top.”

At first, I thought it was just his subtle way of reflecting on which side to take on the gay issue, but then I realised pink wasn’t one of the colour options.

Maybe it was just his subtle way of reflecting which team to support in the World Cup.

Well, he could wear all three colours and root for Chile in their match against Brazil.

But which hue you hew to is not the issue I’m pursuing here.

The issue I’m talking about that has divided the nation is whether the cops should have busted up a makeshift outdoor showing of the Argentina-Nigeria World Cup match in Balestier on Thursday night.

Folks from different walks of life had gathered outside a house on Sing Avenue for a common cause – watching a football game on TV for free.

But the police were against it, citing safety concerns.

There are those who supported it, citing the community spirit.

There are those who couldn’t care less, citing having better things to worry about, like wearing the right colour top.

The Little Guy being crushed by The Powers That Be is 24-year-old Rooban Kanth, who had set up his 42-inch LCD TV on the street to share his love for The Beautiful Game.

Where did he think he was? Hong Lim Park?

About 80 World Cup fans reportedly assembled outside Mr Kanth’s home.

Fewer people than that have been arrested in the past for unlawful assembly.

Some have criticised the police for overreacting. I mean, it’s not like anyone bit anyone’s shoulder.

But I believe I may have figured out the real reason the cops stopped the screening.

It was because Mr Kanth was forcing those 80 people to watch the game on a microscopic 42-inch TV!

What are we? Animals?

My eyes hurt just thinking about it. Are we still living in the 90s?

Come on, Mr Kanth lives in a terrace house! Couldn’t he afford at least a 60-inch TV?

I just saw one on sale at Courts for less than $1,500.

I’m not even going to ask whether he provided a 2.1 soundbar.

And why stop at just World Cup games?

If Mr Kanth should ever decide to screen a three-movie Transformers Blu-ray marathon for people before they watch Age Of Extinction, I’m there.

But for that, I expect no less than a 5.1 sound system.

I’ll even wear my Optimus Prime T-shirt.

It’s blue.

- Published in The New Paper, 29 June 2014

UPDATE: The Baey wore white. Does it mean...?

I bought a selfie stick online from Q100 last month for about $8.50 including shipping.

The brand is Monopod.

You need to download a camera timer app on your phone to use it.

The first Instagram I took with the selfie stick is of me in bed with my complete McDonald's Hello Kitty Bubbly World collection.

That shot would not have been possible without the selfie stick.

Of course, I could always ask someone to take the in-bed-with-Hello-Kitty picture for me, but people are so judgey nowadays.

The selfie stick doesn't judge.

One little advice though: Make sure the phone is securely fastened to the selfie stick when you're taking pictures lying down because if the phone falls on your face, it hurts more than usual.

The Monopod also comes in handy when you're celebrating your birthday by yourself.

I think I found a new best friend.

That's what I call stick-to-itiveness.

Hi, you may know me as the writer of this column.

What you may not know is that I am also a sub-editor at The New Paper.

What that means, at least in my case, is that I design some of the pages and write the occasional award-winning headline in the paper you’re reading.

About a week and a half ago, I laid out the centrespread about good-looking spectators at the World Cup, such as Korean newscaster Jang Ye Won, who had become an Internet sensation.

Besides a picture of her, I also included pictures of other attractive World Cup spectators on the two pages.

And, yes, they were all women.

But it’s not because I am a male chauvinist pig. I was born in the Year of the Horse.

I tried to find pictures of attractive male spectators in the wires but couldn’t. Granted, being a heterosexual man, I may not be the best judge as to what constitutes an attractive male spectator.

I’m sorry I don’t wear pink. I avoid pastels because they tend to make me look washed out.

Not that I have anything against lesbians, gays, bisexuals and Transformers. Some of my best frenemies are LGBT.

By the way, the new Transformers movie is terrible, but I can’t wait for the next one.

Like Hard Rock Cafe, my motto is “Love all, serve all.”

I don’t let my gender and sexual orientation get in the way of my work. I have other biases for that.

Anyway, if you want good-looking men, The New Paper had earlier run a story about “the hottest footballers to watch during the World Cup”.

The list was topped by Portugal player Cristiano Ronaldo, better known in Singapore for the Zinger Double Down Ronaldo Box, Ronaldo Buddy Meal and Ronaldo Feast now at KFC. He’s not only good-looking – he’s finger-lickin’ good too.

I had nothing to do with that story.

So my beautiful spread on the beautiful women of the beautiful game was just to even the score.

To my chagrin, on the day it came out, the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) posted a snapshot of my page on Facebook with the comment:

“Like it if you hate it: Objectification of women emerges at the World Cup, with newspapers and commenters discussing the physical appearance of female newscasters and spectators.”

I was crushed that Aware didn’t compliment my layout.

But Aware is right. Such objectification of women is politically incorrect.

So why didn’t anyone object to the earlier objectification of the footballers?

That is why we need Amare.

But you know the greater irony?

On the same day that Aware called out the objectification of women in The New Paper, the paper also ran a two-page spread on senior Manhunt finalists with pictures of almost a dozen bare-chested men.

Actually, the Manhunt pictures showed even more skin than the World Cup spectators pictures. Objectification to the max, man.

Moobs over boobs, dude. Laddies over ladies, baby. Bros before hos, amigo.

And I laid out that spread too.

Like I said: “Love all, serve all.”

But all Aware cared about was the objectification of its own kind.

So on Thursday, when the association announced that its annual Alamak! Award is back to find “the most annoying, you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me instance of sexism in Singapore” over the past year, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be nominated.

On the one hand, I don’t want to be accused of sexism. On the other hand, it’s an honour just to be nominated.

But to my relief or disappointment, I wasn’t.

The nominees are:

Lawyer Suresh Damodara, who in defending a serial rapist, argued that the victims did not suffer “the usual trauma” of rape because they were unconscious after being drugged by the rapist.

Budget airline Scoot, which advertised that the airline is “better than your girlfriend” because it “knows when to be quiet” and “always spares a thought for your wallet”.

Science Centre Singapore chief executive Lim Tit Meng, who wrote in an e-mail to staff on International Women’s Day:
“I have my reasons why not many women can have the stature to hold the highest position. One of them is simply about the complex nature of women which challenges them with communication barriers in even understanding their own gender well, let alone having to compete or co-labour with the men at work.”

Goldheart Jewellery, which wants women to find “strength” in their “own weakness” presumably by buying jewellery.

Online voting on the Aware website will close on Aug 18 and the “winner” will be announced on Aug 25.

The last time I checked, the Science Centre guy has the most votes.

Considering that Dr Lim is also an associate professor of at the National University of Singapore Department of Biological Science and part of his name refers to a female body part, he should know about the “complex nature of women”.

He has since apologised for the e-mail.

If Dr Lim wins the Alamak! Award, maybe The New Paper will do a story on him and I’ll get to lay out the page.

I want pictures of his moobs.

- Published in The New Paper, 6 July 2014

While some people at Hong Lim Park were calling for his resignation on Saturday, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong was busy taking goofy pictures like this...

PM FTW.

Earlier pictures...

Maybe National Library Board should just call Arnold Gay to help burn the gay penguins books.

Actually, they may not be gay. Since boy penguins look like girl penguins, they just can't tell which is which among themselves. That has happened to me a couple of times.

To recap, NLB withdrew three children's books, which will be pulped. In protest, a few local writers withdrew from library-related events, which will be pulped.

This has been a PR disaster for NLB, which is in quite a dilemma. Should it be pro-traditional family or should it be pro-not banning stuff?

Either way, you're going to piss some people off. It's lose-lose.

If NLB sticks to its guns (which it has done), at least no one can accuse NLB of flip-flopping.

And it all started because someone named Teo Kai Loon posted this in a Facbook group called We are against Pinkdot in Singapore.

The lesson here is that if you managed to get NLB to get rid of the gay penguins books, don't go bragging about it on Facebook.

Someone else will screen cap your online gloat, share it on the Interwebs and cause NLB so much trouble just for doing what you asked.

That's not nice, is it?

Oh, what a Tango web we weave.

On Thursday, I received this SMS from my daughter’s secondary school:

“All students are to report to school at 8.45 a.m. on 14/07/2014 (Monday) as SDL will be cancelled in view of the World Cup Final.”

The message raised a few questions.

So I asked my daughter.

What does SDL stand for?

She said Self-Directed Learning, which means a period where students are given worksheets to do.

What time does she usually have to be in school on Mondays? She said 7.55am.

So school will start 50 minutes later “in view of the World Cup”? It makes the World Cup sound like the equivalent of an MRT breakdown.

Hey, since people are going to be late anyway because of the cup final, which kicks off at 3am Singapore time, let’s plan for it. Let’s just cancel the first period.

But why should our children’s education be compromised because of a sporting event that we don’t even have a stake in?

It’s not like it’s a cup final between Singapore and Malaysia. If we were to beat Malaysia, I would even understand if the Ministry of Education declared the next day a school holiday.

But it’s a final between Argentina and Germany... oh, I know who has a stake in the match.

Andy and his father.

At this point, it seems the whole world knows about Andy and unseen father, who bet Andy's savings on Germany in an ad that is supposed to discourage gambling.

The month-old National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG) ad went viral after Germany brutalised Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup semi-final.

Even US comedian Jimmy Fallon made fun of the ad on The Tonight Show, although wisely, unlike one Malaysian politician, Fallon didn’t make any Hitler jokes.

Some have commented that Fallon mocking the ad made Singapore famous again.

Actually, I watched the whole show and he never mentioned Singapore.

Before bringing up the anti-gambling ad, Fallon was doing a gag about Brazil’s goalkeeper tweeting during the match.

Then the talk show host said:

“Have you seen this? Before the World Cup started, they played this anti-gambling commercial. Gambling addiction is a serious problem. But obviously, they wrote this commercial before yesterday’s game because it doesn’t really make sense anymore.”

Who is “they”?

In this context, viewers were likely to assume that “they” means Brazil since Fallon had just been talking about the Brazilian keeper in Brazil.

The NCPG ad itself doesn’t mention Singapore anywhere.

And if you have never been to Brazil, you might even believe that the kids in the ad are Brazilian.

Maybe I’m loco, but Andy looks vaguely Latino to me. His father could be Ricky Martin.

But then if Andy’s father is Ricky Martin, who is Puerto Rican, then the singer would probably bet all of Andy’s savings on Puerto Rico, not Germany – and Puerto Rico isn’t even in the World Cup.

Then Andy would really have reason to be sad.

Anyway, my point is, Fallon mocking the ad didn’t make Singapore famous again, but it certainly made Fallon famous in Singapore.

While I’m at it, I also want to correct a Facebook comment about the ad by Minister of State for Trade and Industry Teo Ser Luck, who posted:

“Germany beat Brazil 7-1! Brazil need to find out what went wrong and I need to find the scriptwriter for the gambling control advertisement.”

I’m sorry, but as a former TV and movie scriptwriter, I can’t let this pass.

While the actors in the ad may be saying lines from a script, the person who wrote the ad is called a copywriter, not a scriptwriter.

This is an important distinction to me because if I had become a copywriter and gone into advertising, I could’ve made more money and afford to become a gambler like Andy’s father, who is probably not Ricky Martin.

So on the one hand, the NCPG ad is telling us to “kick the habit” and “stop problem gambling” by showing a boy lamenting about his father betting on Germany.

On the other hand, my daughter’s school is cancelling a period because of a football match where many fathers could very well be betting on Germany.

Talk about mixed signals.

Actually, it may not be even for the students. My daughter said that when they were asked during assembly how many of them watched the World Cup, the response was “underwhelming”. She suspects that the later reporting time is more for the benefit of the school’s adult staff.

Of course, my daughter’s school is not the only one.

Serangoon Garden Secondary School is delaying its reporting time to 11am tomorrow. Other schools have gone so far as to organise late night screenings of the cup final and sleepovers.

Is this the new community norm?

So there are parents complaining about a children’s book about gay penguins in the library (Fallon should be making fun of Penguin-gate on The Tonight Show soon), but everyone is okay with this?

I think I know why.

One of the toughest jobs as a parent is getting the kids to wake up early every morning to go to school. So the later they can go, the better.

For parents like us, we wish there could be a World Cup final every night.

We don’t even care who wins. Well, as long as we’re not Andy’s father.

But for one night tonight, we’re livin’ la vida loca.

- Pubished in The New Paper, 13 July 2014

UPDATE: Despite this declaration by "President Tony Tan Keng Yam", the day after the World Cup final is not a public holiday. Sorry.

Also, NCPG updated its website after Germany wins World Cup.

This picture surfaced online yesterday.

The message reads:

My fellow Singaporeans, I Tony Tan Keng Yam, President of the Republic is declaring a Public Holiday on the 14 July 2014 to allow Singaporeans to have a chance of watching the 2014 FIFA World Cup Final between Germany and Argentina.

At the same time, this allows all Singaporeans to bond with their family members, neighbour and friends to make Singapore a much more bonded society. I have discussed this with Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong and he agreed with me. With that, all Government offices will be closed on 14 July 2014. I wish you all a happy holiday.

Best regards,
Tony Tan
President of the Republic of Singapore

I believe some Singaporeans believed this to be the real thing. I'm sure many wish it were.

I'll go out on a limb here and say it's not.

But I guess Andy's father can give himself a holiday.

As a result of this picture, my last blog post about schools starting later today because of the World Cup final has received about 3,000 page views from people googling "tony tan keng yam declare public holiday today", "14 july singapore holiday" and other variations.

A screen cap of my stats is below:

As you can see, someone even searched "malaysia world cup public holiday".

Please disregard the two hits for "ann kok porn".

The President's Office has since released this statement:

It has come to our attention that there is a letter circulating on mobile and online platforms in the name of President Tony Tan Keng Yam declaring today (July 14) a public holiday. We would like to clarify that the President’s Office did not issue such a letter.

Public holidays are announced by the Ministry of Manpower...

Well, at least now that the World Cup is over, we can stop cheering on foreign talent and focus on celebrating ourselves for National Day.

And go back to arguing over gay penguins.

EARLIER: World Cup final: Late school start is for Andy or Andy's dad?

“Blitzkrieg!”

That was the one-word headline for The New Paper report about Germany rolling over Brazil 7-1 in the World Cup semi-final over a week ago.

I almost felt sorry for Germans despite their victory.

It has been almost 70 years since the end of World War II and we are still referencing a military tactic Nazi Germany used during the war.

That’s barely a hop, skip and a panzer division from evoking Hitler again. Tanks for the memories, Fräulein.

And evoking Hitler is something you don’t want to do or you may be forced to apologise like Malaysian politician Bung Mokhtar Radin did. That’s the guy who tweeted “WELL DONE.. BRAVO... LONG LIVE HITLER” after Germany’s semi-final blitzkrieg.

Everyone knows who Hitler is. I don’t even have to mention his first name. He’s like Shakira. One name is enough.

But I wonder how many non-World War II history buffs really know what a “blitzkrieg” is, apart from it sounding German.

If I put a bayonet to your head and force you to name things associated with Germany, maybe you’ll come up with Oktoberfest and a few car brands.

But the first thing that comes to mind will always be Nazis. And no amount of beer and fahrvergnügen can wash that away. By the way, I don’t recommend mixing those two together.

Like Germany, Singapore has a similar image problem. Both are perceived to be cold and efficient.

At least they have Oktoberfest. What do we have? ZoukOut? Not any more if Zouk closes down.

But Singapore is famous for really just two things – caning people and banning chewing gum. (Sorry, Merlion.)

This year marks the 20th anniversary of the caning of Michael Fay.

It has been two decades since Singapore made international news by giving the US teen four strokes of the rattan for spray-painting a few cars and other offences, but the rep stuck.

Even Weird Al Yankovic, who just released a new album and a bunch of viral videos last week, dedicated a whole verse to the incident complete with caning sound effect in a song called Headline News back in 1994.

There’s a new music video called Singapore & Malaysia by Asian-American comedy duo Fung Bros where our country is introduced as “In Singapore, caning is a widely used legal form of punishment” and someone sings, “Heard they can’t chew gum.”

The rest of the video is mostly about food and plays like an extended commercial for Ayam brand.

Like the video, we like to tell people that chewing gum is not actually banned in Singapore, although the import of chewing gum is (with certain exceptions), but such nuance is usually lost on the rest of the world.

We may not be Nazi nazis, but we’re nazis against graffiti and chewing gum.

But lately, Singapore has also become well-known for other things after making international news at least three different times in the last two weeks.

First was the anti-gambling ad where the kid’s dad clairvoyantly bet the kid’s savings on the eventual winner of the World Cup.

Then came the National Library Board (NLB) saying it will pulp withdrawn copies of the gay penguins children’s book And Tango Makes Three.

And finally, news of the Media Development Authority banning the gay wedding Archie comic book last week makes three.

So in the eyes of the world, we’re no longer just nazis against graffiti and chewing gum. We’re also nazis against publications with gay stuff who happen to have an awkward penchant for predicting World Cup winners in our anti-gambling ads.

I was a little upset that a panel called Humour Is Serious Business at the Central Public Library was cancelled last Sunday after the participating writers pulled out in protest of NLB removing the books.

Why wasn’t I invited to be on the panel? I was very available.

Do you see the prominent orange word in all caps at the top left corner of this page you’re reading?

What does it say? That’s right – “HUMOUR”.

So I think I’m more than qualified to be on a panel called Humour Is Serious Business.

I’m going to boycott NLB just for not inviting me.

No, on second thought, I’m going to borrow a random book from the library, return it a day late and to top it off, not pay the 15-cent fine. That’ll teach ’em.

I’m sorry if it may appear like I’m going all nazi on the library, but my feelings have been hurt and you just can’t unring the gay wedding bells.

So what if NLB has now said it won’t destroy the books and will reinstate them in the adult section?

All the world will remember is, there goes Singapore again, banning more shit.

Last Tango In Paris was banned. And Tango Makes Three was withdrawn. Is Tango & Cash next?

(That’s the 80s movie where Sylvester Stallone wears glasses to look smart.)

We’re just gay for banning stuff.

Let’s say against all odds and reality, Singapore makes it to the World Cup in four years and beats Brazil 10-0, what do you think the headlines in foreign newspapers would be?

How about “Singapore ban Brazil from goal”?

Or maybe just one word.

“Caned!”

- Published in The New Paper, 20 July 2014

Dear Chief of Army,

Wassup!

I mean, good morning, sir!

Or good afternoon, sir!

I don’t know what time you’re reading this, sir!

You don’t know me. I “retired” from national service eight years ago after turning 40.

I just want to write you about the new Individual Physical Proficiency Test (IPPT) format you unveiled last week.

As you may know, the response has been mixed. I, too, am not sure how I feel about it.

On the one hand, as a former NSman, I feel cheated. Why didn’t you all introduce this “simpler” IPPT format earlier?

Like maybe 30 years ago, before I enlisted.

You know how much I suffered as a recruit because of the chin-ups?

I can still remember the rusty chin-up bar outside our barrack on Pulau Tekong.

And when I say “rusty”, I don’t mean like a nice even coat of rust.

I’m talking about gnarly barnacle-like growths of rust that cut into the palms of your hands as you gripped the bar to pull yourself up.

So the number of chin-ups you could do was determined not so much by your upper body strength but by how long you can endure the pain caused by the hand-eating rust barnacles.

And now you’re dropping chin-ups from the IPPT, along with the broad jump and the shuttle run.

Is that fair? Shouldn’t the younger generation suffer like we did?

On the other hand, as a father of a teenage boy who will be enlisting in a couple of years, I’m relieved he won’t have to suffer like I did.

And I want to thank you for that.

You’ve said that the main aim for the change in the IPPT was “to have a simpler format” that NSmen “can train for”.

What I take that to mean is that you’re sick of so many NSmen failing their IPPT.

(And NSmen are also sick of having to go for remedial training after failing their IPPT.)

The hope is that the new format will reduce the number. I have a suggestion to help reduce the number even further.

One problem many NSmen have with the IPPT is that the older they get, the harder it is to pass.

You have compensated for this by lowering the passing criteria for older NSmen.

But that may not be enough.

My suggestion is to make the IPPT like the Central Provident Fund.

No, I don’t mean organise a forum on the IPPT where the finance minister is interrogated by a blogger who is being sued for defamation by the prime minister.

And I also don’t mean make the IPPT scoring system so complex and difficult to understand like the CPF because you’ve already done that.

Kidding! The new IPPT scoring system is much easier to figure out than the CPF – but that’s what I want to change.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the new system, to pass the IPPT, you need a total of at least 51 points with at least one point from each of the three IPPT stations.

The maximum points you can get is 50 points from the 2.4km run and 25 points each from push-ups and sit-ups, making it a total of 100 points.

When you’re young, you’re likely to exceed 51 points easily.

But as you grow older, the points get harder to come by.

So my idea is that when you’re in your 20s, you can set aside a percentage of your excess IPPT points in what I shall call the Central Points Fund.

The purpose is to save these points to help you pass your IPPT in your old age.

And when I say old age, I mean after you hit 30.

So when you’re 30 years old, you can withdraw from the Central Points Fund – but only if you have reached the Minimum Sum to be set by a secret IPPT committee.

This will incentivise you to earn more IPPT points when you are in your 20s to ensure that you will reach the Minimum Sum (which will be raised every few years to keep up with inflation).

Of course, you don’t have to withdraw from your Central Points Fund after hitting 30 if you don’t need to.

In fact, you’re encouraged to leave your IPPT points in the Central Points Fund so that they can earn interest, which is pegged to the prevailing market rate.

This will also prevent you from squandering your points on gambling and a second family in Batam.

But rest assured that these are your IPPT points. The Government can’t take them away and invest them in another army in another country.

And when you die, you can even leave the points to your sons to help them pass their IPPT during their NS. (If you have only daughters, too bad. Maybe they’ll sign on.)

The only thing you can’t do with your IPPT points is use them to pay for a flat or pay medical bills. Okay, two things.

But what is important is that with this Central Points Fund scheme, I believe we can further reduce the number of NSmen failing their IPPT, especially the older ones.

Thank you, sir, for considering this humble suggestion I have offered.

It’s the least I can do after you’ve saved my son from the hand-eating chin-up bar.

Yours sincerely,
S M Ong

- Published in The New Paper, 27 July 2014

EARLIER: 2.4 to become 3.2? I couldn’t even run 1.5km

My daughter is very concerned about this.

After the Media Develoment Authority (MDA) banned the gay wedding issue of Archie (which became international news), someone at The Independent website pointed out that there is a gay wedding issue of X-Men which is not banned in Singapore.

According to the website:

The availability of Astonishing X-Men #51 – but not Archie: The Married Life V3 – raises questions over MDA’s review process.

I almost felt sorry for MDA. You ban, people complain. You don't ban, people also complain.

My daughter, who reads the X-Men comics, had earlier also noticed the inconsistency and asked me why one gay wedding comic book was allowed and not another.

I said shhhhhh! She should just be grateful MDA let the X-Men comic through and not make a big fuss about it. Or MDA will ban it.

Unfortunately, unlike my daughter, The Independent didn't come to me first.

When I read The Independent article, I thought the X-Men were going to become the Axed Men. Get it?

But suprisingly, aftr the article came out, MDA didn't ban the X-Men #51. Instead, MDA actually tried to explain why it didn't ban the issue.

Today reported:

An MDA spokesman said: “The issue featured characters who objected to the wedding and this offered a balanced treatment on the issue of gay marriage.”

The spokesman added that there was no breach of content guidelines, “which allow for the balanced depictions of same-sex relationships if they do not encourage or promote alternative lifestyles”.

The statutory board had assessed the X-Men comic in 2012 after receiving public feedback and queries from its importer.

“The MDA takes a holistic view in assessing content and considers all factors, including the context, presentation and language. While themes may seem similar on the surface, depictions and context often vary across different works,” the spokesman said in response to queries from this newspaper.

While some are relieved the X-Men aren't axed, others aren't buying MDA's explanation. As far as they are concerned, MDA is just inconsistent and incompetent.

But now my daughter is upset about another inconsistency.

She complained that if the X-Men gay wedding issue isn't banned, then why can't she find the book in the public library?

The obvious answer is that, as the gay penguins book saga demonstrated, the National Library Board (NLB) may decide not to stock certain titles even though they're not banned by MDA.

I guess NLB doesn't take "a holistic view in assessing content and considers all factors, including the context, presentation and language".

But that is little consolation for my daughter who has borrowed from the library and read the X-Men issues before and after the mutant gay wedding issue, and now there's a gap in the storyline for her.

Of course, I could offer to buy her the missing issue from the bookstore, but then I'm too much of a cheapskate. Kinokuniya is selling the book for about $24.

These gay weddings can get pretty expensive.

I should just be grateful she doesn't read Archie.

EARLIER: Germany had Nazis, we have... NLB?

Kumar: From drag queen to Grammar Queen

Real men don't buy Hello Kitty (online)

I did not order penis enlarger

Roy Ngerng: 'I admit allegation was false'

Two races in one morning... or not

So was Baey Yam Keng misquoted?

Forgive me for I have sinned on Wikipedia

Long-haired bands now allowed, but...

The fault in our Jem – here come the waterworks

Equal-opportunity objectification in The New Paper

Real reason cops stopped street screening of World Cup?

Me, my selfie stick and I am stuck on it

I may have objectified women but no Alamak! Award nomination for me

Is PM trolling us with this picture?

Tangled by Tango: What can we learn from the gay penguins?

World Cup final: Late school start for Andy... or Andy's dad?

Sorry, World Cup fans, today is not a holiday

Germany had Nazis, we have... NLB?

How to help more NSmen pass IPPT: Learn from CPF

Damned if you ban, damned if you don't