Best of sitcoms: Why The Noose and not this award-winner?

June 8, 2013, 7:49 pm

≫ Next: My first vertical marathon (& likely my last)

≪ Previous: No, Aaron Aziz doesn't require an MDA licence (I think)

Pop quiz, hot shot.

Apart from Under One Roof and Phua Chu Kang Pte Ltd, what other Channel 5 sitcom has won the Asian TV Award for best comedy?

I’ll give you a clue. It’s not The Noose, even though the show won the award in 2010 and 2011. Why? Because The Noose is technically not a sitcom

I mean, VR Man is closer to a situation comedy than The Noose. A sitcom has to have a story. The Noose is “a sketch comedy in the format of a fake newscast”.

Those were the exact words I used in my PowerPoint presentation to pitch The Noose in 2006 when I was working at MediaCorp.

The idea for the show came from my MediaCorp colleague, Prem Anand, who was a research writer for programmes like Singapore Idol and the 2006 Asian Games coverage.

There was a pitching session where the Channel 5 producers were broken up into small groups and Prem ended up in my group.

We came up with several show concepts, including The Noose, and I volunteered to do the PowerPoint because it gave the impression that I cared.

This was what I typed in my PowerPoint presentation for The Noose word for word:

• Spoof of the nightly newscast where the “noose” is made up.

• While stories are satirical and obviously untrue, two newsreaders will present them in a serious if ironic tone.

• Videotaped skits presented as news reports fronted by “roving reporters”.

• Includes typical news segments: weather, business, sports and entertainment.

• Appeal: Deals with topics that make fun of local quirks that Singaporeans can relate to.

• Fresh format similar to The Daily Show and SNL’s Weekly Update that Singaporeans haven’t seen.

Although I liked Prem’s idea, I thought it had about as much chance of getting approved as my throwaway sitcom idea My Dad The Principal about a teenage girl who happens to be in the same junior college where her father is the principal. That was how much I cared.

In fact, Prem had pitched The Noose before and it was rejected, but he wanted to try again.

I would like to think that it was because of my brilliant PowerPoint skills that finally led to The Noose getting greenlit, which eventually led to Michelle Chong playing Barbarella and Leticia, Asian TV awards, an International Emmy nomination, Michelle Chong leaving the show et al.

At one point, I was tapped to be the executive producer of The Noose pilot, but fortunately for both the show and me, someone came to his senses and I was let off the hook.

Anyway, my point is, The Noose is not a sitcom.

In fact, there was a sitcom team at MediaCorp, who did Phua Chu Kang and Maggi & Me, but they (or rather, “we”, since I was part of that team) weren't involved in The Noose, mainly because Prem wasn't part of the sitcom team.

So it's a little ironic that the biggest comedy hit from Channel 5 in recent years is actually produced by the people behind Singapore Idol and the 2006 Asian Games coverage.

The popularity of The Noose is such that Channel 5 included it in the Best Of Sitcoms line-up to celebrated 50 years of TV in Singapore even though The Noose is not a sitcom, which I’ve just established.

Over the next 10 Tuesdays at 8.30am, you’ll get to see an episode from Mr. Kiasu, Phua Chu Kang, Living With Lydia, Oh Carol, Achar, Police & Thief, Maggi & Me, My Sassy Neighbour, Sayang Sayang and non-sitcom The Noose.

The first Best Of Sitcoms sitcom, Under One Roof, was shown last week.

Can you figure out the answer to the quiz yet?

I’ll give you another clue. This Asian TV Award-winning sitcom is not in the Best Of Sitcoms line-up.

It seems that despite being one of only four Singapore shows to have won the Best Comedy award, the show still can't get any respect - even from Channel 5, which had given it only one season. Why?

To help explain why and also give you the answer to the quiz, I shall quote from a 2004 New Paper article, "Enough is enough":

“We are talking about the recent murder of humour by the producers of Daddy’s Girls, a Channel 5 sitcom (and I use the word loosely)...

“Every time the media prints or transmits images of these terrible acts, we are playing right into the hands of broadcasters who believe that this passes off as a quality comedy.

“We are giving them the very platform they seek for promoting their show (henceforth referred to as the Torture)...

“By tuning off, you can send a strong signal that we won't stand for productions which do not meet the standards set by Under One Roof and Phua Chu Kang.”

Reading that still kind of breaks my heart since I wrote for Daddy’s Girls, which starred two famous DJ ex-wives, Vernetta Lopez and Jamie Yeo.

Now I know why I wasn’t invited to their second weddings.

At least I still have my PowerPoint skills.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 June 2013

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My first vertical marathon (& likely my last)

June 9, 2013, 12:13 am

≫ Next: Jem's countdown to non-opening on Facebook

≪ Previous: Best of sitcoms: Why The Noose and not this award-winner?

I took part in the National Vertical Marathon at Asia Square (near Lau Pa Sat) this morning.

Forty-three storeys.

Rainy. Glad it was an indoor "marathon".

Of course, Singaporeans have been known to do other things in stairwells besides vertical marathons.

View from the top. (Actually, the 38th floor, which is not really the top.)

About 2,200 took part in the event organised by NTU Sports Club.

I joined the "veterans" category for those over 45. My timing was over 12 minutes, which I think is the slowest in my category.

These old people were sprinting - SPRINTING! - up the stairs. I walked all the way and still struggled.

Maybe it's because there were no zombies coming after me.

I guess I won't be attempting the Swissotel Vertical Marathon later this year. 73 floors!

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Jem's countdown to non-opening on Facebook

June 13, 2013, 9:21 am

≫ Next: That weird moment when your son grows taller than you

≪ Previous: My first vertical marathon (& likely my last)

June 1

In just 10 days, we will be opening the doors to a whole lot of happy and memorable shopping experiences! Hands up if you are excited for this!

June 2

9 more days of waiting… and the fun begins!

June 3

We are sure most of you can't contain your excitement 'cause it's 8 days till we open!

June 4

7 days to happiness! Make sure you bring along your friends for your first visit to Jem!

June 5

Jem will be open in just 6 days! See you soon!

June 6

The wait is almost over! 5 days till Jem is open!

June 7

Come rain or shine, we'll make sure you have a great time! 4 days till we're open!!!

June 8

Happiness is just around the corner… see you in 3 days!

June 9

2 days to go! Now, get ready for Jem!

June 10

1 day till Jem's big day! Are you all getting giddy and excited?

June 11

Hello everyone, we are very sorry to announce that we will not be opening today.

We are doing everything we can to bring the Jem experience to you, as soon as possible. We sincerely apologise for any inconvenience caused and will update everyone on the opening date as soon as we can.

The Straits Times: Jem mall delays opening over 'admin issues'

The highly anticipated Jem mall in Jurong East did not open on Tuesday as planned, surprising some of its major tenants.

In a statement at press time late Monday night, Australian developer Lend Lease said it will be shifting the opening date back, citing "administrative issues".

Earlier, it had announced to much fanfare that the 241-store mall would open on Tuesday.

It even conducted a tour for the media, told tenants to prepare themselves and fixed an opening celebration ceremony on Thursday. Tenants including The Soup Spoon had even stationed staff at Jurong East MRT station nearby to give out fliers announcing their opening in Jem.

"We were anticipating having received all the necessary endorsements by the end of business today. However, that was not the case," said Jem's development director Chris Brown on Monday. "We have therefore taken the difficult decision of not opening the mall to the public tomorrow in order to adhere to regulatory requirements."

He added: "This is in the best interests of the public and the retailers... We sincerely apologise for the inconvenience caused and we will notify the public on the new opening date as soon as possible."

The Straits Times understands that the opening date will be moved back till beyond June 13.

When contacted Monday night, retailers like Swedish fashion brand H&M were taken by surprise.

Its marketing manager Lisa Chai was still preparing for the scheduled opening at its new three-storey outlet at Jem when The Straits Times contacted her at 10.40pm. "We are all geared up for the opening. I am very shocked," she said, adding that she will be calling Lend Lease immediately for answers.

Do-it-yourself store Home-Fix's managing director Low Cheong Kee said he was told to open on Thursday.

"As far as I know, we are still opening on that date," he said, adding that the mall's opening date has already been pushed back before."

"Another delay would be unfair. We rushed things to open on time and that pushed up our renovation costs."

Lend Lease won the site in a government public tender in June 2010, beating five other offers with its bid of $748.9 million. Last month, the media had reported that Jem would officially open to the public on May 29.

Its tenants include 59 brands new to the suburbs, including department store Robinsons and H&M. Lingerie brand Victoria's Secret, Books Kinokuniya and cosmetic chain Sephora will also open their first suburban stores at the six-storey mall in Jurong Gateway Road.

When it opens, Jem will be the third-largest suburban mall in Singapore, after Jurong Point and nex mall in Serangoon Central.

It expects to attract more than 50,000 shoppers a day.

Lend Lease was also the developer of Orchard's 313@Somerset and Parkway Parade.

Jem making 'good progress' in processing required fire permits

According to a media statement from the Jurong mall's Development Director, Mr Chris Brown, they are making "good progress" in processing the required fire permits from the Singapore Civil Defence Force (SCDF) before they can open.

Said Mr Brown: "With the T.O.P. of the building’s retail component received on 31 May, the base building has received all necessary approvals.

"We are making good progress of processing the final permits required for the tenants to commence trading.

"Until these are in place, we continue to maintain the difficult position of not opening the mall to the public in order to adhere to regulatory requirements.

"We are focusing on getting Jem opened as soon as possible.

"We look forward to advising you on the new opening date as soon as we have the information. "

Jem announced on June 11 over its Facebook page that they would not be opening as scheduled. The post garnered over 100 comments, with many expressing their disappointment and frustration.

Jem added in another post on Tuesday that they were sorry for the delay and would give a token of appreciation to shoppers who made their way there between 10am to 11am.

June 13

Hello everyone, thank you all so much for your patience and support. We’re happy to share that Jem will be opening this Saturday, 15 June. See you then!

↧

That weird moment when your son grows taller than you

June 15, 2013, 6:00 pm

≫ Next: Jem’s jam more shocking than Wong Li-lin’s divorce

≪ Previous: Jem's countdown to non-opening on Facebook

Father's Day?

Here is a recent photo of football star Fandi Ahmad with his sons.

Here is former captain of Singapore’s national football team Nazri Nasir with his sons.

Notice something? The father is not the tallest guy in the pictures.

When my son grew taller than me a few years ago, I wasn't sure how I felt.

I sort of felt proud and a little emasculated at the same time.

As if he didn't have enough trouble looking up to me.

And he doesn't even play football.

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Jem’s jam more shocking than Wong Li-lin’s divorce

June 15, 2013, 9:00 pm

≫ Next: Solving the haze problem

≪ Previous: That weird moment when your son grows taller than you

Dear Jem,

Congratulations on your opening yesterday.

Four days late.

Wink, wink.

Just between you and me, the delay was intentional, right?

News of the aborted opening last week was more shocking than Wong Li Lin and Allan Wu getting a divorce.

Now Wong can finally be reunited with her former Triple Nine co-star James Lye, whom everyone knows she is destined to be with.

Sorry, Diana Ser. Maybe Bobby Tonelli is still available.

Celebrities get divorced all the time, but what Jem did was unprecedented.

Anyone can open a shopping mall. But to cancel the opening of the third largest suburban mall in Singapore on the night before it was supposed to open?

That took some kind of evil marketing genius and mall-size balls. I clap for you.

When I first heard that Jem was opening next to the Jurong East MRT station, I was so happy that I didn’t mind living near a dengue cluster in Choa Chu Kang.

It was like Orchard Road coming to our smelly backwater kampung.

It's even more exciting than Amazon.com offering free shipping to Singapore for certain orders above US$125 (S$156).

Having lived in the western part of Singapore for 30 years, I have long felt that the area has been underserved in terms of shopping centres.

Sure, we already have IMM, Jurong Point, JCube and West Mall, but you can never have enough places to watch post-converted 3-D Hollywood movies, buy crap you don’t need and eat lousy food court food.

Actually, IMM doesn’t have a cinema, Jurong Point has been extended twice since it opened in 1995, JCube is basically an ice-skating rink that happens to have some shops around it and West Mall appeals only to people in Bukit Batok.

Jem may be another generic shopping mall, but at least it’s a classy generic shopping mall with stores like H&M, Kinokuniya and Victoria’s Secret.

Even your name sounds classy. Jem is a homophone (not a gay telephone) for “gem”.

Unfortunately, Jem also sounds like “jam”, which better describes your situation last Tuesday when you couldn’t open the mall as scheduled because the fire permits weren’t ready.

I had “liked” your Facebook page and followed your 10-day countdown to the June 11 opening day. With four more days to go, you wrote on Facebook: “Come rain or shine, we’ll make sure you have a great time.”

Yes, come rain or shine, but apparently, not come lack of fire permits.

Even your tenants were caught off-guard. They were told only on Monday night that the next day’s opening was cancelled.

It was almost as disappointing as McDonald’s running out of The Frog Prince Hello Kittys in less than a day.

I mean, Jem eventually opened, but The Frog Prince Hello Kitty is gone forever.

The spokesman for Select Group, which owns Hong Kong Sheng Kee Dessert, told The Straits Times: “Lend Lease (the company that developed Jem) wanted us to rush to open on the 11th, so we paid contractors more to work 24 hours. That was a big waste.”

Hong Kong Sheng Kee Dessert, which hired six people to work at the Jem outlet, had to throw food away. Nothing breaks my heart like throwing away food.

I couldn’t understand how anyone running a gargantuan 241-store mall could make a monumental mistake like this.

And then I read the media coverage of the “administrative issues” and it hit me – it was all just a sneaky publicity stunt!

So sneaky that your own tenants weren’t in on it.

Come on, do you really expect us to believe that you could be so incompetent as to not apply for the fire permits in time?

And that you were actually planning to open the mall on a Tuesday?

Who goes shopping on Tuesdays? There’s a reason Gelare offers a discount on its waffles only on Tuesdays.

When you finally opened yesterday – a Saturday, naturally – you got more hype than you would have if you had opened four days earlier as scheduled.

Now, thanks to the “administrative issues”, even people who don’t live in the western part of Singapore would be curious to visit the mall that couldn’t get its fire permits ready for its opening. Even the haze won’t deter the rubberneckers.

But you know what ultimately gave the game away?

When the delay of the opening was first reported, Jem’s development director Chris Brown was quoted as saying: “It’s been delayed to a date yet to be determined, due to an administrative regulatory issue.”

So the name of the Jem spokesman is the same as the guy who beat up Rihanna?

Yeah, right. I can’t wait to meet your CEO Usher and your chairman Kanye West.

They bring a whole different meaning to the word “jam”.

So congratulations on pulling off the greatest mall opening publicity coup ever!

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

If I lie, you can call Triple Nine.

Yours sincerely,
SM Ong

- Published in The New Paper, 16 June 2013

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Solving the haze problem

June 17, 2013, 6:04 am

≫ Next: 3 ways the haze has affected me personally

≪ Previous: Jem’s jam more shocking than Wong Li-lin’s divorce

Somewhere in Choa Chu Kang...

AsiaOne: Haze hits unhealthy level in Singapore

The Pollutant Standards Index (PSI) hit 155 at 10pm, nearly 100 points higher than the PSI level of 56 at 7am today and well above the "unhealthy" threshold of 101 and above. This is the highest since 1997, when the index reached 226.

Since this morning, conditions have been visibly hazy and a strong burning smell has been detected across many parts of Singapore.

The 24-hour Pollutant Standards Index (PSI) reading as of 4pm today was in the range of 68 to 83, which is in the "moderate" range. The three-hour PSI reading soared to 117 at 7pm. It has since shot up to 140 at 8pm and 152 at 9pm.

Earlier, the National Environment Agency (NEA) had alerted the Indonesian Ministry of Environment on the haze situation in Singapore, urging Indonesia to look into urgent measures to mitigate the trans-boundary haze occurrence.

But the Indonesian forestry ministry said firefighters were already tackling the blazes and water-dropping aircraft would only be deployed if local governors made a request, which they had yet to do.

Ministry official Hadi Daryanto attempted to shift some of the blame onto Malaysia and Singapore, saying their palm oil companies that had invested in Indonesia were also responsible.

"We hope the governments of Malaysia and Singapore will tell their investors to adopt proper measures so we can solve this problem together," he said.

↧

3 ways the haze has affected me personally

June 19, 2013, 10:10 pm

≫ Next: Brad Pitt fights war against haze

≪ Previous: Solving the haze problem

1. Nothing to eat.

2. I now look like this.

Actually, I look like this.

3. Thanks to the haze, my family no longer complains about how I smell.

Singapore's worst haze in history

The 3-hour PSI reading stood at 371 as of 1pm today. This is up from the PSI reading of 299 at noon.

The number soared to a then record high of 321 at 10 pm last night, up from 290 just an hour earlier and below 200 earlier in the day.

A PSI reading of 101 to 200 means air quality is in the "unhealthy" range and 201 to 300 means "very unhealthy". Anything above that means "hazardous".

↧

Brad Pitt fights war against haze

June 20, 2013, 4:04 am

≫ Next: Relive the good old days of double-digit PSI with PCK on TV

≪ Previous: 3 ways the haze has affected me personally

↧

Relive the good old days of double-digit PSI with PCK on TV

June 20, 2013, 6:21 am

≫ Next: I'm not talking about the haze

≪ Previous: Brad Pitt fights war against haze

PSI: 39 (31 Oct 2006)

PSI: 48 (7 Nov 2006)

No PSI number (14 Nov 2006)

No PSI number (21 Nov 2006)

These are the first four episodes of the final season, which I wrote and produced.

More PCK episodes

↧

I'm not talking about the haze

June 22, 2013, 8:19 pm

≫ Next: The Government's out-of-sync response to The Great Haze of 2013

≪ Previous: Relive the good old days of double-digit PSI with PCK on TV

Everyone is talking about the haze.

So I won’t.

For one thing, talking about the haze can get you into trouble.

Like what happened to radio DJ and ballet aficionado Rosalyn Lee.

Commenting on the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) reducing physical and outdoor training with the PSI exceeding 100, Lee posted on Facebook: “REALLY!? Shouldn’t the SAF, of all people, train in all weather conditions and be at least haze-ready?”

I do recall training for chemical warfare in a gas mask during my national service. Does that make me “haze-ready”?

Can the haze be considered a chemical weapon? I know a few Singaporeans who want to declare war on Indonesia as retaliation.

But wait. Lee wasn’t done dissing SAF.

Replying to another Facebook comment, she wrote: “They way i see it, I reckon I trained harder in 4-hour ballet classes than some of these NSFs do! lol!”

Ouch. Comparing full-time national servicemen to girls practising pirouettes in tutus – that must sting more than the haze in my eyes.

Lee was understandably flamed for her Ah Boys To Ballerinas comparison. As one detractor pithily observed: “Girls talking about NS is like guys talking about giving birth.”

In her defence, I would like to point out that Lee did include an “lol” in her comment.

Also, I have never taken a four-hour ballet class, so I really can’t say for sure if it’s harder than NS, but I have seen the movie Black Swan and I can safely say that I don’t know anyone in NS who thinks he is turning into a big black bird.

In the end, Lee apologised for her comment. No, wait, she didn’t.

She wrote: “I am overwhelmed yet heartened all at once at the immense support towards the SAF and national service.

“Regardless of how we each express our views, I believe the common goal that binds us is the obvious fact that we all care about our country and that we will stop at nothing to keep it safe - and that is something I choose to take away from these humbling exchanges.”

Perhaps not humbling enough.

Well, at least, McDonald’s apologised.

The fast food chain ran an ad promoting its new wasabi and honey mustard dip sauce for its McNuggets with the headline: “Today’s Peak Sauce Index is looking deliciously high.”

PSI stands for Peak Sauce Index, get it? That joke is even more forced than many of my columns.

Some people were upset by McDonald’s attempt at humour as they felt it trivialised the haze problem.

One of them told The Straits Times: “If the advertisement had been used when the PSI first came up, the joke might seem funny. But when the PSI hits 300, it is not a joke any more.”

Is this person talking about the three-hour PSI or the 24-hour PSI?

Let me get this straight.

So it’s okay to make fun of the haze as long as the PSI is 299 or below.

But once it hits the number that’s also the title of the movie directed by the same guy who directed Man Of Steel, jokes are no-go?

Someone should tell Mr Brown.

And everyone else on the Internet.

If McDonald’s should apologise for anything, it’s for making people queue overnight outside in the haze for The Ugly Duckling Hello Kitty toy.

But then again, this isn’t really the fault of McDonald’s. It’s the Singaporeans who are so willing to risk their health on the night when the PSI hit 321 for a toy.

No wonder Indonesian Coordinating Minister for People’s Welfare Agung Laksono likened us to children.

But Hello Kitty is so cuuuuute!

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about the haze.

I want to talk about the movie World War Z, which I saw a few days ago.

Not sure whether it’s pronounced World War Zee (since it’s an American movie) or World War Zed (since we’re in Singapore).

I read somewhere that Z is the Roman numeral for 100,000, so the correct pronunciation should be World War One Hundred Thousand. Most people don’t know this because it’s not true.

Regardless of how you choose to pronounce the title, the Brad Pitt-produced zombie movie turned out to be one of the better summer flicks this year, surprisingly more engaging than Man Of Steel and Star Trek Into Darkness.

World War Z is about how governments fail to take a problem seriously despite early warning signs until the problem is literally on top of them.

Like I said, I’m not talking about the haze.

I just hope the PSI falls back to double digits on Wednesday night because McDonald’s is releasing the Singing Bones Hello Kitty on Thursday and I don’t have any N95 masks.

And in case the PSI hits 300 when you read this, I apologise.

Time to sign up for some ballet classes. I already have the tutu.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 June 2013

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The Government's out-of-sync response to The Great Haze of 2013

June 25, 2013, 1:58 am

≫ Next: Cops & queues for the last Hello Kitty at McDonald's

≪ Previous: I'm not talking about the haze

As I mentioned in Sunday's column, I saw the movie World War Z last week.

It's about how governments fail to take a problem seriously despite early warning signs until the problem is literally on top of them.

That scenario seemed oddly familiar, but I wasn't sure why. It's not like Singapore has been overrun by zombies before.

Anyway, on the Thursday I saw the movie, this was the front page of The Straits Times.

The haze has been building up since June 14.

It was front page news on June 15 - the PSI had gone all the way up to 88! - but not the next day.

The haze was back on the front page on June 17 and hasn't left since.

But it was only on June 20 (the day I saw World War Z) that the Prime Minister finally decided to take serious action.

Up until then, the Government's reaction has been pretty much boilerplate: NEA health advisories, calling on Jakarta, etc.

This is understandable since the haze has been a yearly event like the Great Singapore Sale since 1997 and no one expected the PSI to go over 400.

But after the PSI hit the then unprecedented 321 on the night when people were queuing for The Ugly Duckling Hello Kitty at McDonalds's, PM Lee Hsien Loong hastily announced the formation of the Haze Inter-Ministry Committee.

And it took another day for the Government to address the scarcity of masks.

On June 22, ministers had pictures taken of themselves distributing masks to the needy.

The irony, of course, is that June 22 is also the day the PSI fell to below 100 for the first time in a week.

And it has been mostly blue skies since.

So it seems that the Government has missed the boat once again.

But the thing about our Government is that like a dog with a bone, once it's committed to something, it won't let go. It's not going to let a little thing like blue skies get in the way.

Yesterday, it was announced that ministries are to share their action plans to minimise disruptions due to the haze by this week.

A case of closing the barn door after the horses have left the barn and returned?

As PM Lee posted on his Facebook page: "Hope the clear air lasts, but let’s be prepared for the haze to come back."

Words to live by for sure, but a little ironic coming from a Government that seemed to have been genuinely caught off-guard by The Great Haze of 2013.

But it's also in line with how the Government has responded in other similar situations in the past, either economic or health-related:

When things are turning bad, the Government tells us not to panic. When things get better, the Government tells us not to be complacent.

It appears the Government sees itself as a moderating force, which I guess is not a bad thing.

After the haze last week, it's now hailing in Singapore.

Could zombies be next? I'm beginning to think it's really the end of the world. I certainly need some moderating.

Does NTUC sell helmets?

I bet Brad Pitt would know what to do.

↧

Cops & queues for the last Hello Kitty at McDonald's

June 26, 2013, 7:28 pm

≫ Next: How I failed to get the black Hello Kitty (and hello, Gordon Ramsay)

≪ Previous: The Government's out-of-sync response to The Great Haze of 2013

This morning just before 2am at Yew Tee McDonald's:

Just after 7am at Limbang McDonald's:

Around 7:30am at Lot One McDonald's:

All for this:

All sold out by the time I got there.

PSI in the moderate range, so it wasn't so bad.

And no hail.

↧

How I failed to get the black Hello Kitty (and hello, Gordon Ramsay)

June 29, 2013, 7:30 pm

≫ Next: I've never heard of the 'hawker heroes'? Have you?

≪ Previous: Cops & queues for the last Hello Kitty at McDonald's

It’s the end of the world.

And it’s not because of the apocalyptic haze that shrouded Singapore two weeks ago.

It’s also not because after the apocalyptic haze, apocalyptic hail pelted my sister’s Korean language classroom in Jurong on Tuesday.

It’s also not because Gordon Ramsay is coming to Singapore.

Last week, the Hell’s Kitchen star accepted SingTel’s challenge to a hawker food cook-off in a YouTube video.

I’m surprised the British chef even knows what the term “hawker food” means. I wonder how much SingTel is paying him to pretend he does.

I’m less surprised that The New Paper reported that some of the local hawkers shortlisted for the cook-off didn’t know who Ramsay was.

To help these uninitiated hawkers get ready for Ramsay, let me say: “YOUR FOOD TASTES LIKE REGURGITATED DOGSHIT! IT'S NOT EVEN FIT FOR THE FUCKING GARBAGE! GET BACK ON YOUR STATION, YOU DONKEY!”

You’re welcome.

As Ramsay tweeted about coming to Singapore: “It’s going to be intense!”

And he wasn’t talking about the apocalyptic haze or the apocalyptic hail.

Anyway, it might as well be the apocalypse for me since I have failed in my quest to get the Singing Bone Hello Kitty from McDonald’s.

I no longer have a reason to live (except for the prospect of watching Ramsay yell obscenities at our local hawkers).

I’m not even a Hello Kitty fan.

But the moment I first laid eyes on the picture of the black Singing Bone Hello Kitty toy last month when McDonald's launched its fairy tales-themed Hello Kitty promotion, I was spellbound.

I had never seen a black Hello Kitty before.

It's so irresistibly cute yet macabre at the same time – and it’s not even Halloween.

The Singing Bone actually refers to relatively obscure and gruesome Brothers Grimm fairy tale about a guy who murders his brother and buries the body under a bridge.

According to singingbone.com, many years later, a shepard finds a bone of the dead brother and uses the bone to make a mouthpiece for his horn.

When the shepherd puts the mouthpiece to his lips to play, the bone starts singing about how the brother was murdered.

It’s Hello Kitty gone goth!

The black costume also reminds me of My Chemical Romance’s music video for their epic 2006 hit, Welcome To The Black Parade, which I love.

To quote the chorus: “And though you’re dead and gone, believe me your memory will carry on.”

It’s emo Hello Kitty!

I don’t care about the other Hello Kitties that McDonald’s was offering. I just want the black one.

When my wife bought the Little Red Riding Hello Kitty at McDonald’s more than three weeks ago, there was no queue.

Then people started queueing for the Ugly Duckling Hello Kitty on the night when the PSI hit 321. That was when it began to get a little crazy.

My plan was to join the queue for the black Hello Kitty after work on the night it was released at the 24-hour McDonald’s outlet in Yew Tee, which is closest to my home.

But then I had noticed on my way to Yew Tee that there was no queue at the nearby Teck Whye McDonald’s.

So I decided to take a taxi from Yew Tee to the Teck Whye McDonald’s, which cost me $6 including the midnight surcharge.

It was only after I got there that I saw the “sold out” sign. So that was why there was no queue!

I felt so stupid and embarrassed by my stupidity that I pretended I wanted to buy some food at McDonald’s and then pretended to change my mind.

So I took another taxi back to Yew Tee for another $6 and joined the queue at 1.53am. Two poor souls actually joined the queue after me.

At 2am, a guy in a McDonald’s uniform came out holding a “sold out” sign. He announced that unless we have a coupon, there would be no Hello Kitty for people standing behind the sign.

I was standing way behind the sign.

That was when my world ended.

I was also out 12 bucks because of the taxi fare. I was so emo I wanted to murder someone and hide his body under a bridge.

If only I hadn’t wasted precious minutes going to Teck Whye, I could be snuggling with my black Hello Kitty at this very moment.

What do I have to live for now?

I’m not interested in buying second-hand Hello Kitties from resellers because it’s just not the same.

Hey, there are some old episodes of Hell’s Kitchen on YouTube. Ha ha, Gordon Ramsay just called someone “dickface”.

There may be life after Hello Kitty after all.

As My Chemical Romance sang: “We’ll carry on. We’ll carry on.”

- Published in The New Paper, 30 June 2013

UPDATE: To make me feel better, my wife bought me the balloon version of the Singing Bone Hello Kitty yesterday from VivoCity. It worked. Too bad the air will eventually run out. All joy is temporary.

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I've never heard of the 'hawker heroes'? Have you?

July 6, 2013, 7:00 pm

≫ Next: Jurong Lake Run: Close encounter of the Tharman kind

≪ Previous: How I failed to get the black Hello Kitty (and hello, Gordon Ramsay)

This may not come as a shock to you, but I’m a bit blur.

I don’t know a lot of things. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course, since there are just too many things in the universe to know.

But I’m troubled when so many people seem to know something that I don’t.

For instance, I didn’t know there’s a Singapore rapper named Shigga Shay.

Do you?

His real name is Pek Jin Shan and I’ve never heard of him either.

But many people must know who he is for his song LimPeh to top the local iTunes chart, outselling singers I've actually heard of like Pink, Lana Del Ray and Justin Timberlake.

How did this happen?

I thought local musicians are only allowed to become famous by joining local rip-offs of Pop Idol like The Final 1 on Channel 5. You can be a star only after Ken Lim say you are.

I also didn’t know there’s such a thing called the Malaysian Super League.

Is this the Malaysian version of the Justice League with superhero members like Cicak Man, Boleh Man, Warna Woman, Green Ketupat and Aaron Aziz?

No, it’s the football league that Singapore’s LionsXII won last Tuesday by beating Felda United.

Needless to say, I’ve never heard of Felda United too. I’ve heard of The Legend Of Zelda though. Does that count?

But I suppose my ignorance of Shigga Shay and Malaysian football is excusable since I’m not a big fan of local music or sports.

Then last week, The New Paper reported the death of “cheng tng hawker icon” Andrew Lim Seng Ann of Ye Lai Xiang Cheng Tng.

Two weeks earlier, The Straits Times had reported that another hawker, Mr Ng Ba Eng of “well-known” wonton noodle stall Eng’s Noodle House, also died.

Before the much-hyped SingTel Hawker Heroes Challenge at Newton Circus Food Centre tonight, a bunch of “hawker heroes” were shortlisted to face British celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. They were:

Mr Ryan Koh of 328 Katong Laksa
Mr Tan Chee Eng of Eng Ho Fried Hokkien Prawn Mee
Mr Ang Kiam Meng of Jumbo Seafood Restaurant
Madam Jenny Lim of Hai Sheng Carrot Cake
Mr Ng Chang Siang of Hill Street Char Kway Teow
Madam Betty Kong of Kay Lee Roast Meat Joint
Mr Choong Yee Hong of New Lucky Claypot Chicken Rice
Mr Teo Aik Cheng of Noo Cheng Adam Road Prawn Mee
Madam Gwee Guek Hwa of Outram Park Ya Hua Rou Gu Cha
Mr Malik Hassan of Selera Rasa Nasi Lemak
Mr Haji Mohammed and Mr Al Malik Faisal of Sin Ming Roti Prata
Madam Foo Kui Lian of Tian Tian Hainanese Chicken Rice

Okay, my question is, am I the only person in Singapore who has never heard of any of these hawkers (dead or alive) or their stalls?

Well, except Jumbo Seafood Restaurant.

But then the Jumbo Seafood Restaurant guy can’t really be called a hawker since, as the name suggests, Jumbo Seafood Restaurant is a restaurant and not a hawker stall.

And it’s not just a restuarant, but a chain of restaurants. You might as well call Ronald McDonald a hawker.

I can’t wait to see how Ramsay will react when he finds out. I hope the host of The F Word uses the name of his show.

I know I get confused by another F word whenever someone describes some food stall at such and such place as “famous”.

How can something be famous if I’ve never heard of it?

Granted, I’m not KF Seetoh or a “foodie”. But if you have to be KF Seetoh or a “foodie” to have heard of the food stall, then how famous can it be?

Granted, I’m also a bit blur, but... actually, I have no argument for that.

Just because a food stall is featured in Makansutra, in a newspaper or magazine article, or in one of the gazillion food shows on TV doesn’t necessarily make it famous.

It’s only “famous” to the people who happened to see Makansutra, the article or the TV show.

But one thing’s for sure. After tonight’s SingTel Hawker Heroes Challenge with Ramsay, the stalls (and one restaurant chain) of the three “hawker heroes” chosen to face him — Tian Tian Chicken Rice, 328 Katong Laksa and Jumbo Seafood — can be legitimately called famous.

Even I have heard of them.

They couldn’t be more well-known if Shigga Shay had rapped about them.

Now if only someone could arrange a face-off between Ramsay and Ken Lim, that could be more exciting than a Malaysian Super League match.

SingTel boleh?

- Publushed in The New Paper, 7 July 2013

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Jurong Lake Run: Close encounter of the Tharman kind

July 7, 2013, 7:39 pm

≫ Next: Never mind the Minions, here’s the rendang burger death match

≪ Previous: I've never heard of the 'hawker heroes'? Have you?

So I finished the 10km Jurong Lake Run in just under an hour (58 minutes 22.48 seconds to be exact) yesterday morning.

This was how I looked before and after the run.

Before the run, I was waiting for the flag-off near the starting line at the side when I was caught off-guard by Deputy Prime Minister and Minister for Finance Tharman Shanmugaratnam who came from behind me to shake my hand on his way to the stage to do the flag-off.

But then he held my hand and sort of stared at me for a few uncomfortably long seconds.

I was actually afraid he might have recognised me as the guy who badmouthed him in my New Paper column a year ago.

Then I figured he must have asked me a question and I couldn't hear him because I had my earphones on.

He was waiting for my reply which never came. Who asked him to sneak up on me like that?

He eventually moved on and went to shake someone else's hand.

So I managed to diss the deputy prime minister at the Jurong Lake Run for two years in a row.

Can't wait for next year's Jurong Lake Run.

The Safra Half Marathon on Sept 1 is next.

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Never mind the Minions, here’s the rendang burger death match

July 13, 2013, 6:48 pm

≫ Next: He who dares say a movie stinks

≪ Previous: Jurong Lake Run: Close encounter of the Tharman kind

History repeating itself? So soon?

Last week on its Facebook page, a fast food chain announced that due to “overwhelming support”, it was running out of an item “way before schedule”.

For once, the item isn’t McDonald’s Hello Kitty toy. That’s so last month.

It’s also not one of the three Minion toys that McDonald’s is giving away with its Happy Meals, although the cute yellow and blue characters from the movie Despicable Me were all gone when I went to look for them on Thursday night.

All I saw was a sign at McDonald’s that said: “This week’s Despicable Me 2 Happy Meal toys had been fully redeemed.”

The sign triggered painful flashbacks to the night I queued and failed to get the Singing Bone Hello Kitty two weeks ago. The horror, the horror.

I was so disoriented that I ordered a Happy Meal anyway. Instead of a Minion toy, I was given a Hello Kitty toy, which triggered another round of flashbacks. The horror, the horror, the horror, the horror.

I’ve read that Malaysia is currently in the grip of its own Hello Kitty-like craze – over the Minions. McDonald’s customers across the causeway are reportedly keeping the toys and dumping the Happy Meals by the trolley load.

They have become minions to the Minions.

But I shouldn’t laugh at our neighbours up north as Singapore is in only the first week of the Despicable Me 2 promotion. There are still two sets of Minions to be released over the next two weeks.

The five-week Hello Kitty promotion started quietly and built up to a frenzy only in the last two weeks.

Well, the last two weeks of the Despicable Me 2 promotion are the next two weeks. I expect at least one viral video of frustrated Minion-less queuers arguing with McDonald’s employees before the end of the month. Get the riot police ready.

Anyway, the Facebook post I mentioned earlier wasn’t even by McDonald’s. It was by Burger King.

BK posted on Wednesday: “Due to your overwhelming support, we’re running out of the rendang burgers way before schedule. We apologise for that and we thank you for supporting the original rendang burger!”

I wasn’t sure how to react to this. On the one hand, it’s refreshing for a fast food chain to announce that it’s running out of food instead of a toy for a change.

On the other hand, how can Burger King run out of any burger? Isn’t it like, uh... the king of burgers?

This was especially disappointing to me since I was planning my own Singapore food face-off between Burger King’s rendang burger and McDonald’s rendang burger, inspired by last Sunday’s SingTel Hawker Heroes Challenge with Gordon Ramsay.

So I was pleasantly surprised when I went to the Burger King outlet at Causeway Point on Friday and discovered that the rendang burger was still available.

Communications and Information Minister Yaacob Ibrahim should chastise Burger King in parliament for causing unnecessary anxiety by spreading false online rumours about its own burger.

Anyway, the good news is the Burger King versus McDonald’s rendang burger death match is back on!

First, a little back story.

According to SoShiok.com, Burger King created the rendang burger way back in 1987. In 2009, the burger was named one of Travel+Leisure magazine’s global top five burgers.

Then in June 2011, after 24 years, Burger King took the rendang burger off the menu.

Someone was so upset by this that he or she created a Facebook page called “Boycott BK for killing off rendang burger”. The page has 28 likes the last time I checked.

The most recent update was eight days ago. It read: “Given that the rendang burger is back at BK Singapore for a limited period, the call for boycott by this page is suspended for this limited period.”

Did the Facebook campaign have anything to do with Burger King bringing back the rendang burger? I’m going to say no.

Four days later on the day of Burger King's misleading Facebook post, McDonald’s launched its own rendang burger as part of its Singapura Feast, which also includes curry Shaker fries, durian McFlurry and Rose McFizz (not to be confused with Rose McGowan).

It was a declaration of war.

And having tasted the rendang burgers from both Burger King and McDonald’s, I declare the winner of the food fight is... the rendang burger without the mayonnaise.

That would be McDonald’s.

The King is dead! Long live the Clown’s rendang burger!

Burger King’s rendang burger is no longer the same as the one that was named one of Travel+Leisure magazine’s global top five burgers in 2009.

That one had sliced onions and no mayo. This one has chopped onions and, yes, mayonnaise.

Rendang with mayo is a crime against nature and all taste buds.

I hope someone starts a Facebook campaign to boycott Burger King for adding the mayonnaise.

It’s despicable.

- Published in The New Paper, 14 July 2013

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He who dares say a movie stinks

July 16, 2013, 5:15 am

≫ Next: My National Day song YouTube marathon

≪ Previous: Never mind the Minions, here’s the rendang burger death match

In The Straits Times today:

"There are journalists and critics who are loved by movie companies. I am not one of them. Why? Because when a movie stinks, I say so."

Apparently, The Straits Times' John Lui is the only movie critic who dares say a movie stinks.

He's such a bad-ass.

↧

My National Day song YouTube marathon

July 18, 2013, 9:23 pm

≫ Next: In defence of the new National Day song, One Singapore

≪ Previous: He who dares say a movie stinks

Because I'm a patriot. (And a masochist).

Cover versions:

If you think this year's National Day song is bad...

Mr Brown version:

In 2004, they recycled Home.

Bonus track:

Majulah!

↧

In defence of the new National Day song, One Singapore

July 20, 2013, 9:23 pm

≫ Next: In case you see me in today's Straits Times...

≪ Previous: My National Day song YouTube marathon

Here we go again.

Again.

It seems that every year around this time, just as the annual Great Singapore Sale comes to a close, it’s open season on the new National Day theme song.

Like the parade, fireworks and Gurmit Singh yelling at NDP spectators to “make some noise”, hating the new National Day song has also become the great annual Singapore tradition.

Remember how the video for Love At First Light was mocked last year?

This year's song, One Singapore, appears to have transcended tradition and attained a whole new level of loathsomeness.

The Straits Times’ headline, “National Day song hits a few sour notes”, is the definition of understatement.

The New Paper’s headline was more to the point: “Netizens slam NDP 2013 song.”

One common complaint is that it’s cheesy. That’s like complaining that cheese is cheesy.

It’s a song for National Day! It’s supposed to be cheesy!

What do you want? Lyrics about staying up all night to get lucky?

Another criticism is that the song, sung joyously by a choir of 68 Singaporeans, seems to be aimed at very young people.

So I asked two very young people I know, my kids, what they thought of the song.

My son, 16, said: “I hear High School Musical with a Singaporean twist. It’s almost better than the Fun Pack Song, but that’s not really saying much. The lyrics also do not seem to fit the melody, not poetic at all. The rap lyrics especially. Do I hear the word ‘recess’?”

Sure, it’s only “almost better” than the Fun Pack Song, but then One Singapore composer Elaine Chan didn’t filch the tune from Lady Gaga.

Perhaps my son isn’t young enough to appreciate the youthful appeal of the song. So I turned to my daughter, who’s two years younger.

She said: “The singing isn’t very good. Whether or not it is on purpose is not clear. The hook sucks. What the hell do they think they are doing – ‘woah woah’? The rapping? Sucks. Children rapping is one of the most annoying things ever.”

Now that’s just mean.

Well, being young at heart (but middle-aged at every other body part), I like the song.

And I don’t mean ironically.

I wear polo shirts and watch the annual Miss World telecast ironically (if not simultaneously), but I genuinely enjoy this year’s National Day song.

I love the high part in the verse where they go, “Together, we can reach for the stars.” I even dig the “woah woah” part that my daughter detests.

I’m not so keen on the rapping though.

Just because Shigga Shay can rap his way to the top of the iTunes chart with LimPeh doesn’t mean we want rapping in our National Day song too.

Hey, maybe LimPeh should be our National Day song!

Either that or the theme song from Ah Boys To Men Part 1.

Or the one from Ah Boys To Men Part 2.

Rapping aside, I believe One Singapore would’ve been better received if it had been released together with the video, which only appeared on YouTube a few days after the song's release.

Without the video, the group vocals sound like a mess. With the video, at least you know why they sound like a mess.

There’s a cover version by a local band called Pitch Feather that’s more stripped down with decidedly fewer singers, which listeners prefer over the original.

This would suggest that the problem is not with the song itself but with the arrangement.

By the way, the cover also eschews the rap about recess.

But I’m grateful that NDP music director Chan and lyricist (and NDP creative director) Serena Tan didn’t go the mellow route with their song.

Otherwise, netizens would’ve groused that it’s boring, like the dreary ballad-type National Day songs of the last three years, which were basically failed attempts to recreate the success of Dick Lee's treacly favourite, Home.

(The 2009 song was What Do You See by Electrico, which was more “rock” and my favorite, along with Mr Brown’s Hokkien version.)

What I find ironic is that after slamming One Singapore, some of the haters would praise the “classics”, Stand Up For Singapore, Count On Me Singapore and We Are Singapore.

I’m old enough to remember that when these songs were introduced in the 80s, they were also slammed for being cheesy and meant for children. Of course, there was no such thing as “netizens” back then.

Perhaps in 30 years, One Singapore will also be regarded as a classic.

Nah, I’m kidding. Nobody even remembers the National Day song from three years ago – although it seems people will remember the Fun Pack Song from 2011 for a while yet.

And it wasn’t even the National Day theme song that year. You know what was?

In A Heartbeat.

Which was probably how long it took you to forget the song.

But like the reviled Fun Pack Song, this year’s National Day song has achieved a notoriety that it will not be forgotten for years to come – no matter how hard you try.

And the tradition continues.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 July 2013

↧

In case you see me in today's Straits Times...

July 21, 2013, 9:04 pm

≫ Next: Social media – where every day is April Fool’s Day

≪ Previous: In defence of the new National Day song, One Singapore

I want to make it clear that...

... never in real life have I ever said "Come party with me" ...

... or "I'm SM Ong and I tickle your funny bone (at least I try to) in my Act Blur column in The New Paper on Sunday".

I wonder if this is what happened to John Lui.

↧

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