S M Ong

Inspired by this map of the US showing the Google autocomplete results for the query “Why is [state] so”, I decided to try it with "Why is Singapore so"

This is the result I got:

Then I took it further by repeating the query 26 times with a different letter of the alphabet from a to z. Out of the 26 letters, j, q and x yielded no results.

As for the rest, the results were mostly what you would expect although they may seem a bit contradictory at times. I mean, can Singapore be "so awesome" and yet "so boring"? "So hot" and yet "so cold"? "So nice" and yet "so racist"?

But probably the most out-of-leftfield result was at the end with the letter z.

The trick is to shop at Zara only when there's a sale.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: An earlier post on the same topic on another blog

SEQUEL: Google autocomplete part dua: Singapore is...

As a follow-up to yesterday's post about Google autocompleting queries for "Why is Singapore so" from a to z, I did the same thing with a slightly different query - "Singapore is"

Some of the results are similar. Some are very different. My top three favourites are:

singapore is gay
is singapore utopia
singapore is weird

The weirdest result is "Singapore jackal is coming".

I found out Jackal Is Coming actually refers to the title of a Korean movie. It's still weird.

First, the results for "Singapore is":

Now, from a to z:

Singapore QP refers to this.

Singapore XD Theatre refers to this. XMM refers to "xiao mei mei".

EARLIER: Google autocomplete: Why is Singapore so...

This is the last one, I promise. The trilogy is complete.

This time, my Google query is "Singaporeans are" and the results are the most interesting of all, from brainwashed to grossly underinsured, xenophobic to not xenophobic, and robots to zombies.

Welcome to zombieland!

EARLIER: Google autocomplete part dua: Singapore is...

EVEN EARLIER: Google autocomplete: Why is Singapore so...

Singaporeans are idiots.

Singaporeans are lazy losers.

Singaporeans are most disgusting and irritating.

Singaporeans are retarded and ugly.

Wait, before you call my son mentally disabled and my former beauty queen wife a tranny, I’m not the one saying all those insulting things about Singaporeans.

It’s Google’s autocomplete function.

Last week, I was intrigued by a map tweeted by @Amazing_Maps of the 50 states of America showing the Google autocomplete results for “Why is [state] so…”

For example, if you type in the Google search box, “Why is California so”, a list would appear, offering a few suggestions for how you might complete your query, the first of which is “Why is California so expensive”.

The map shows that many Google users also asked why New York is so expensive.

Curiously, for two US states, Connecticut and Pennsylvania, the top suggested query is why they are so “haunted”.

Just for fun, I decided to Google “Why Singapore is so” and see what I’d get.

The first suggestion is:

• Why is Singapore so rich

It seems that Google users may have confused Singapore with Mr Anton Casey. But it jibes with the next two suggestions.

• Why is Singapore so expensive

• Why is Singapore so successful

Obviously, Singapore is so successful because we’re so rich. Duh!

And Singapore is so expensive because we can afford expensive stuff because we’re so rich because we’re successful. Double duh!

The fourth suggestion is also flattering.

• Why is Singapore so clean

Clearly, whoever asked this question hasn’t seen the part of Singapore that is my kitchen bathroom.

The last suggestion has to do with our climate.

• Why is Singapore so hot

It’s also possible the word “hot” could be used here to mean “sexy” as in “Why does Singapore have so many hot babes and hunks?”

I can only say I work out.

But not content with the five suggestions, I decided to add the letter “a” to my query, as in “Why is Singapore so a”.

The top suggestion is:

• Why is Singapore so awesome

“Awesome”? Really?

I mean, unlike Miss Stephanie Koh, I'm semi-proud to be Singaporean, but even I would never describe Singapore as “awesome”.

I suspect this question was asked ironically. Can a search engine be capable of sarcasm?

Moving on to the next letter in the alphabet, I replaced “a” with “b” and got this:

• Why is Singapore so boring

That’s more like it. That’s the kind of question people like Miss Koh would ask.

I went through the rest of the alphabet and here some of the less boring suggestions:

• Why is Singapore English so bad

• Why is K-pop so popular in Singapore

• Why is Singapore so racist

• Why is Zara so expensive in Singapore

I assume Zara refers to the clothing store and not a specific woman.

Otherwise, who is this Zara and why does she seem to cost more in Singapore? Oh, I forgot. Because Singapore is so rich.

I was hooked and experimented with other Google queries.

Instead of “Why is Singapore so”, I typed “Singapore is”, followed by a different letter from “a” to “z”.

I learnt that Singapore is better than Malaysia, Hong Kong and Australia.

Yet Singapore is evil and doomed.

Yet Singapore is a good place to work.

Yet Singapore is hell and horrible.

Yet Singapore may be utopia.

On the other hand, Singapore is also overrated.

But most of all, Singapore is gay and weird.

Then I Googled “Singaporeans are” and that’s when the Google autocomplete suggestions turned into Anton Casey.

According to Google, Singaporeans are arrogant, angry, brainwashed, bad drivers, childish, cowards, champion gamblers, dogs, elitist, fed up with progress, getting fatter, grossly underinsured, greedy, hard to please in bed, hypocrites, ignorant, judgemental, kiasu, lame, materialistic, not gracious, poor, politically apathetic, pathetic, rude, robots, selfish, too dependent on domestic helpers, unfriendly, weak, whiners, xenophobic and zombies.

Yes, zombies. Not vampires or werewolves, but zombies.

Before Tay Ping Hui calls Google a half-wit and asks the US company to leave zombieland, I should point out that Google also says Singaporeans are becoming more health-conscious, environmentally-conscious, friendly, fashionable, gracious, happy, kind, living longer, mostly not racist, open-minded, family-oriented, pragmatic, quick to help foreign victims, smart, tech-savvy and not xenophobic.

But still zombies.

I remind myself that this is not what Google says we are, but what millions of Google users around the world say we are.

And that is millions of different points of view represented in the Google autocomplete function.

To put things in perspective, these millions of Google users also say Malaysians are rude, lazy idiots.

So perhaps the problem is not with Singaporeans or Malaysians. It’s the millions of Google users who are rude, lazy idiots.

The irony is that these millions of Google users are made up of people like you and me.

So we are the rude, lazy idiots.

Dammit! Why couldn’t Singapore be haunted like Connecticut and Pennsylvania?

We already have the zombies.

I may start using Bing.

Last November, I was at Swissotel The Stamford for the Swissotel Vertical Marathon and met members of the Team Singapura Everest 2015.

They were taking part in the vertical marathon with their training gear to drum up publicity for their goal to summit the world’s highest mountain next year to mark Singapore’s 50th birthday.

But it was not as if a bunch of Singaporeans sat around to brainstorm what to do for our nation’s “Golden Jubilee” celebration and someone said, “Hey, let’s climb Mount Everest.”

According to the Team Singapura Everest 2015 website, the idea of climbing Everest came first. Then came the idea of celebrating Singapore’s 50th birthday.

But it did involve a bunch of Singaporeans sitting around.

To quote the website: “It all started in June 2010 when four individuals met up for regular coffee. Shariff Abdullah, aka Singapore Blade Runner, shared with the rest that he has a dream to climb Mount Everest in 2015.

“Spontaneously, we began to realise that 2015 is the 50th birthday of Singapore.”

I have to say that took remarkable foresight.

Back in June 2010, most Singaporeans were more concerned that SingTel and StarHub were overcharging them to watch the World Cup, a situation that may be replayed this year.

Who was even thinking about Singapore’s 50th birthday back then?

It was at least two bad National Day songs ago – the Fun Pack Song of 2011 and last year’s even more hated National Day song, One Singapore (which I personally liked).

Team Singapura Everest 2015 were clearly way ahead of the curve.

It wasn’t until last August that Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong unveiled the Singapore50 (SG50) committee to look for ideas to mark Singapore’s 50th birthday.

Remember earlier I mentioned a bunch of Singaporeans sitting around and brainstorming what to do for our nation’s “Golden Jubilee” celebration? Well, it’s now official.

Last month, SG50 committee chairman Heng Swee Keat made the call for proposals: “If you have ideas that will help us all celebrate in a truly Singaporean spirit, please come forward and share them and make this really our celebration.”

You can submit your proposals online at singapore50.sg. The website has received more than 600 submissions so far. My top three recent favourites are:

#632 “Wrap the iconic buildings in red, decorate the trees on the big roads in red, fly thousands of balloons in the sky.”
#610 “$5,000 hongbao for Singaporean.”
#637 “My idea for SG50 is to have less disruptions to our train services and reduce waiting time for buses.”

It’s going to be tough to top that last one, but last week, it was reported that not one but two as-yet-unnamed musicals about former prime minister Lee Kuan Yew are in the works and expected to be staged next year in time for Singapore’s 50th birthday.

Not stage plays, mind you, but musicals. With singing and dancing and all that jazz.

Like Jersey Boys except it’s Joo Chiat Boys.

Like Miss Saigon except it’s Miss Serangoon.

Like The Phantom Of The Opera except it’s The Phantom Of Victoria Theatre.

Like Hello, Dolly! except it’s Hello, Mr Lee!

Like Mamma Mia! except it’s Ah Gong Mia!

Like Les Misérables except it’s, uh, Les Misérables (no change).

I think musicals about local politicians are long overdue. You know how much they love to wayang.

Also announced last week were the 26 men and women vying to become the first Singaporean to pilot a craft into near space on – when else? – Singapore’s 50th birthday.

I guess getting launched into “near space” is one way of getting away from road bullies who are caught on video and later apologise on YouTube.

I hope whoever is selected to go won’t be unselected at the last minute and post it on Facebook.

Now all these birthday plans are great – but they’re for next year.

What are we doing for Singapore’s 49th birthday this year?

Why isn’t Mr Heng chairing the SG49 committee?

There’s no singapore49.sg website to submit ideas.

Can’t we at least have one musical about former prime minister Goh Chok Tong?

I can’t help but feel we’re saving all the really good stuff for next year.

Who should come to our rescue but MediaCorp actress Fann Wong, who was revealed last week to be three months pregnant.

This means her first child should be born in about six months – just in time for Singapore’s 49th birthday!

It’s not climbing Mount Everest, but it’s close enough.

Thanks, Fann!

As for the Goh Chok Tong musical, may I suggest Christopher Lee for the lead role?

- Published in The New Paper, 9 February 2014

Who needs musicals when you're name-checked in Star Trek?

I was watching Season 2 of Star Trek: The Original Series on Blu-Ray last night and was surprised that Singapore's former prime minister is mentioned. Sorta.

See for yourself in the video clip below.

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. You tell 'em, Bones.

It's from the last scene of the episode Patterns Of Force where Kirk and Spock find a planet resembling Nazi Germany. The episode first aired in the US in 1968 when Lee Kuan Yew was prime minister of Singapore.

Hail, shirtless Kirk and shirtless Spock!

Lee Kuan Yew is also mentioned in the Star Trek wiki.

You like waffles? You like burgers?

Then why not put them together?

If you read my column on the KFC Zinger Double Down Max, you know I'm intrigued by unexpected food combinations. (Who can forget my blog post about turkey bak kwa?)

So I had to try the Griddy Burger ($8.90) at Griddy Gourmet Waffles at Westgate in Jurong East.

I loved it. The meat was fresh and juicy with the mushrooms giving it an added texture.

Surprisingly, for a place named after its "gourmet waffles", the weakest part of the burger was the flaccid waffle which seemed like an afterthought.

But the overall result was a winning mix of sweet and savoury.

My friend ordered the Ocean Catch and said the same thing, although I was rather put off by the overdousing of mayonnaise.

Starting this week, Griddy is offering half off on selected sandwiches for lunch on weekdays. I really want to try the Gourmet Ribs, which is the most expensive.

I had a little trouble finding the place the first time because I was unfamiliar with Westgate which opened only late last year next to the more infamous Jem.

The trick is to find the escalator to B1 in the Courtyard, then after reaching B1, make a U-turn to find the escalator to B2 where Griddy is located.

Another new food place I discovered at B2 was Wingadees, which is like the local Baskin Robbins of chicken wings, offering up to 20 flavours of fried chicken wings from savoury to spicy to sweet.

The more intriguing flavours are butterscotch, vanilla, honeydew and green tea.

I bought six wings for $10. The different flavours did make things interesting, but the wings themselves weren't as well-cooked as I hoped.

I do appreciate that the wings are individually packed and labelled to take out the guesswork of what flavour you're eating.

Still, it's no waffle burger.

It’s no laughing matter.

Three people were killed and 33 injured in the bombing of a Singapore building in 1965.

Forty-nine years later, Indonesia wants to name a warship after the two Indonesian marines found guilty of the bombing.

Too soon?

Singapore’s foreign minister, Mr K Shanmugam, seemed to think so, having “registered his concerns” with his Indonesian counterpart how the naming would impact “the feelings of Singaporeans, especially the families of the victims”.

Last Sunday, it was reported that following the “diplomatic row”, Singapore cancelled the invitations of Indonesia’s top military officers to the Singapore Airshow which ends today.

On Tuesday, blogger Lee Kin Mun, better known as Mr Brown, jokingly suggested on his blog that Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong should send “a strong diplomatic message” to Indonesian President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono by unfriending him on Facebook and unfollowing him on Twitter.

“And don’t take selfies with him anymore,” added Mr Brown.

Okay, now it’s a laughing matter.

I believe Mr Brown was joking for several reasons.

For one thing, PM Lee may be on Facebook, but his is not the regular Facebook page that most ordinary folks have - it doesn’t have a link for you to “send him a friend request”.

You can only “like” him.

This is good as it eliminates the likelihood that PM Lee will ignore your friend request because, let’s be honest, he has better things to do than be Facebook friends with the likes of you.

I mean, you’re no president of Indonesia, you know?

This also means PM Lee can’t unfriend anyone as he has no Facebook friends to unfriend.

But anyone can “like” his Facebook page without fear of rejection, even if you voted opposition.

Ditto President Yudhoyono who also has a “likable” Facebook page and not a “friendable” one, although there are couple of friendable “Susilo Bambang Yudhoyonoos” on Facebook whom I suspect are fake.

One of them has only nine friends, including a Drew Barymore (not to be confused with US actress Drew Barrymore).

Even with PM Lee unfriending him, I think a president of Indonesia would have more than nine Facebook friends.

Heck, even I have more than nine Facebook friends and I have barely nine real friends.

Anyway, now you know why Mr Brown must be joking when he suggested that PM Lee should unfriend President Yudhoyono on Facebook.

Taking the joke further, the fake news website New Nation published an article with the headline, “PM Lee unfriends Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono on Facebook, untags him from photos”.

The article quoted a fictional expert named “Eric de Yaya” as saying: “The scale of Singapore’s retaliation is completely out of proportion. But this is a sure sign that both sides mean business.”

But some in Indonesia didn’t know it was joke.

One Indonesian newspaper cited the New Nation article as fact with the front page headline “Singapore PM-SBY cut off friendship”.

But the Indonesian media soon realised they were punked and ran stories about themselves getting punked with headlines like “Singapore PM unfriends SBY, Indonesian media fell for hoax”.

Then the Singapore media, specifically StraitsTimes.com and inSing, picked up the story that the Indonesian media had picked up the story that the Indonesian media had picked up the story that turned out to be a joke.

Now it’s a laughing meta.

Bragging about its achievement, New Nation posted on Facebook: “New Nation is proud to announce that we have done more to ease tensions and foster deeper Singapore-Indonesia diplomatic relations than (Singapore President) Tony Tan.”

But not everyone is amused. One Facebook user commented: “Politicians in Indonesia may just use this to build a stronger case for hostility. Satire is lost in a propaganda war. Giggle while you can.”

Then another Facebook user called the first Facebook user “uptight” and the circle of life and death continues.

In defence of the Indonesian media, I can understand how being Indonesian, they could not have known New Nation is a satirical website.

They might have confused New Nation with an actual newspaper with the same name in Singapore that reported actual news many years ago.

It was an easy mistake to make.

The US satirical website The Onion is more well-known internationally than New Nation and yet people still get fooled by The Onion, including former Singapore minister Lim Hwee Hua in 2012.

That said, I guess someone in the Indonesian media could’ve verified whether President Yudhoyono was “friendable” on Facebook in the first place for him to be unfriended by PM Lee.

And I’m talking about the real President Yudhoyono, not the fake “Susilo Bambang Yudhoyonoo’’ with Drew Barymore as a Facebook friend.

Actually, having seen the profile picture of Drew Barymore, I wouldn’t mind having her as a real friend. She’s kind of hot.

She can “like” me on my Facebook page any time.

- Published in The New Paper, 16 February 2014

It has been called the most important invention of the 20th century.

And I’m not talking about the Internet or Flappy Bird. (For one thing, Flappy Bird was created in the 21st century.)

I’m talking about air-conditioning.

And the person who once called it the most important invention of the last century was former Singapore prime minister Lee Kuan Yew.

He even told the Asian Wall Street Journal in 1999 that he wished someone would invent an “air-conditioned undergarment, enclosed around the neck, wrists and ankles, and battery-operated”.

He said that “before air-con, mental concentration and with it the quality of work deteriorated as the day got hotter and more humid”.

So I’m a bit perplexed that our Ministry of Education (MOE) is so anti-air-con.

Or at least, that was the impression I got from recent news reports. An MOE spokesman told The New Paper last week: “Schools are urged to use air-conditioning prudently and to exercise the option to operate with fans where possible.”

This is supposedly in line with the ministry’s goal to be ecologically sustainable and cost-effective in operating the schools.

I was wrong. MOE isn’t anti-air-con. It’s just anti-air-con in schools.

The ministry’s headquarters at North Buona Vista Drive seems very well air-conditioned. I wonder how ecologically sustainable that is.

I’m surprised that instead of this trendy “save the planet” bromide and the evergreen “save money” rationale, MOE didn’t trot out another dependable argument that has been used in the past.

Air-con in our schools will make our kids soft.

People are already complaining about the Strawberry Generation, named after the fruit because they bruise so easily. (Despite its name, a “strawberry” is not a berry but an aggregate fruit. I looked it up. It’s also not made of straw.)

With more air-conditioning in schools, aren’t we just creating the Strawberry Shortcake Generation? (Named after the dessert because they crumble so easily.)

They’re certainly no Pioneer Generation. They’re more the Samsung Generation.

Served by maids and smartphones, kids today have it too easy. A little heat and humidity will toughen them up.

Especially the boys. The lack of air-conditioning will help them prepare for national service (NS). There is no air-con during the 24km route march.

Speaking of NS, the Singapore Army is so tough that in an article last week about “how the world’s armies get fed”, The Guardian newspaper in the UK described our army ration pack as “sparse” and “paltry”.

To quote:

“The offerings in the Singapore pack were sparse despite its reputation for high-quality cuisine. There were a paltry three dishes, of Szechuan chicken noodles; a mushroom, basil, rice and chicken dish; and soya milk with red-bean dessert.”

But a day later, a footnote was added to the article on The Guardian webpage, clarifying that the “Singapore pack is, in fact, only the main pack”.

The “foodnote” continued:

“In addition, each Singaporean soldier receives an ‘accessory’ pack as part of a 24-hour ration package, which includes canned drinks, energy bars, isotonic drinks powder, tinned food, instant noodles, biscuits, ‘candy’, instant tea and coffee, tissue paper, and heating packs.”

What? No pineapple tarts?

So our army ration pack isn’t so sparse and paltry after all.

I think the poor Guardian journalist must have received a number of angry e-mails from Singaporeans because she posted on The Guardian webpage:

“For those complaining that the Singaporean ration pack is misrepresented, it was given to us by a Singaporean officer working at the headquarters of ISAF (international military mission here). He gave us no reason to suppose that it wasn't representative.”

ISAF stands for International Security Assistance Force, which is led by the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, better known as Nato.

The next day, the Singapore Army posted on its Facebook page a photo of the complete combat rations with a somewhat sarcastic comment: “All your favorite Singaporean flavours (except fish and chips).”

I assume the “fish and chips” part was a dig at The Guardian. Who knew the Singapore Army had such a wicked sense of humour?

And a sweet tooth. Curiously, the Singapore Army picture of combat rations includes two rolls of Mentos, which must be the “candy” The Guardian footnote was referring to.

The two Mentos flavours look like Lime and Fruit, which is an assortment of lemon, orange and – oh, no – strawberry flavours.

It’s a sign – there’s no escaping the Strawberry Shortcake Generation!

What’s the point of toughening up our kids by withholding air-con from them in school if we’re just going to give them fruit-flavoured Mentos in the army?

We might as well let their maids carry their backpacks for them.

And give them air-conditioned underwear.

I prefer the mint-flavoured Mentos myself.

They help keep me cool. No batteries required.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 February 2014

A reader, Mr Steven Wong, e-mailed to remind me about two news items last week I might've missed.

One is the news that this sculpture just outside Yew Tee MRT station is being restored after finding a sponsor.

It was earlier reported that the sculpture "faced the possibility of being removed last month due to a lack of funds for repairs".

(By the way, the sculpture is called Tree Of Love, not Tree Of Life as reported by The Straits Times.)

When the artist, Ben Puah, was approached by South West Community Development Council last December to touch up the sculpture, he had given a quote of $6,600.

According to The Straits Times:

He later revised the amount to $4,000 after the council suggested making the restoration a community project and roping in resident volunteers.

Last month, however, the council asked him if he could "do it for free" because it did not have the funds to restore the work. He was told the work would have to be removed if it was not conserved.

"I am very disappointed and sad. This shows no understanding of the arts," he says.

The council has since found a corporate sponsor and volunteers to help spruce up the work.

I live in Yew Tee. So I see this horrid thing practically every day. I would've paid to get it removed. Now it seems I'm stuck with it.

The sculpture creeps me out because it reminds me of the creature from the movie The Thing (both the 1982 and 2011 versions).

Where's Kurt Russell when you need him?

For something slightly less gross, the reader, Mr Wong, also alerted me to the news that my "favourite"Ann Kok has quit MediaCorp.

So that's "one less person for you to poke at", he wrote. Yes, we all know how much I like to poke her.

All I can say is, we'll always have the mammaries.

EARLIER: Celebrating Singapore’s 17-year love affair with Ann Kok’s breasts

At Marina Bay Sands.

At Yew Tee.

The one at Marina Bay Sands is basically a food court while the one at Yew Tee started out in 2012 specialising in nasi lemak but also sold mee rebus, ice desserts, etc. So there was no consistent branding.

I actually liked the pandan nasi lemak but boycotted the place after my wife ate some mouldy toast there.

The Yew Tee outlet later changed its menu to sell what looked like overpriced nasi padang.

A few days ago, the place finally closed down, but the 1983 at MBS seems to be going strong.

There are now also 1983s at NTU, Republic Poly, Ang Mo Kio ITE, Jem and Changi Airport, but I believe the one at Yew Tee was the first.

We, the residents of Yew Tee, are so lucky.

EARLIER: Beware the savage roar ... of 1983?

There’s an old saying by Confucius:

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”

I’ve read that on a signboard at the Tanjong Pagar MRT station.

SMRT apparently took what Confucius said to heart after yet another train service disruption between the Yew Tee and Kranji stations on the North-South Line on Monday – except the company denied it was a service disruption.

To quote SMRT:

“There was no service disruption although trains ran at a slower speed.”

The negative response on SMRT Facebook page was almost immediate and some of it was kind of hilarious.

“This is like saying that there was no flooding, only ‘ponding’.”

“Good thing Pinocchio is not working for you. His nose would be longer than all your train tracks combined.”

“Eh SMRT, your CEO should have his pay delayed for a few months. After all, it's slow but not a disruption.”

Wait, do these Facebook comments count as cyber-bullying? A new anti-harassment law will be introduced in Parliament tomorrow. And none too soon.

If anyone needs protection from cyber-bullies, it’s the SMRT Facebook page. You can see more abuse here than in a Pasir Ris army camp.

Even an innocuous picture of a guide dog posted by SMRT last month drew such critical comments as “Can this adorable dog squeeze into our over-crowded train?” and “The dog is 100 times more reliable than the train.”

SMRT just can’t catch a break.

Last week was a particularly bad one for SMRT and commuters with train delays on Monday (as mentioned), Tuesday (between Ang Mo Kio and Marina Bay on the North-South Line) and Thursday (between Paya Lebar and Dhoby Ghaut on the Circle Line).

Ironically, just five days before the Monday incident, The Straits Times reported:

“SMRT will continue to do 'everything possible' to improve the reliability of its rail network, said chief executive Desmond Kuek, giving his strongest comments yet on minimising train delays.”

Laugh until cry.

So was the Monday train delay a service disruption or just the trains running at a slower speed?

I wasn’t there – but my son was. I asked him what happened.

That morning at around 6:40, my son went to the Yew Tee MRT station to take the train to Yishun, which is six stations away. He is a first-year junior college student at a school there.

Everything seemed normal. The station was no more crowded than usual and my son didn’t have to wait long for the train.

The first sign that something was wrong was when the train arrived and didn’t stop where it was supposed to.

The train doors didn’t align with the platform screen doors. So the doors couldn’t open.

It took a while for the train to move to the correct position, and even then, the doors didn’t open right away.

But they eventually did for my son and other passengers to board the train.

Then the doors took longer than usual to close before the train finally moved off.

Everything seemed fine after that... until the train stopped unexpectedly not far from the Yew Tee station.

After a while, the train started moving again, then stopped again. And so on and so on.

At 7:08, the train was still starting and stopping somewhere between the Yew Tee and Kranji MRT stations. Yishun was still six stations away.

That was when my son messaged his teacher that he was going to be late. He was supposed to be in school by 7:30.

I asked him if he was upset about being late, but he seemed rather zen about it. He said he just read the book he had with him, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest by Ken Kesey.

I’ve bought the Oscar-winning 1975 movie on Blu-Ray and hope to watch it with him after he finishes the book.

I asked my son if the other passengers appeared upset. He said they just looked at their phones and appeared “indifferent”, an indication of how commuters were resigned to train delays by now.

Indeed, less than two months ago, a train stopped on the same 4km stretch of tracks between Yew Tee and Kranji, and passengers had to get off and walk on the elevated tracks.

At least my son didn’t have to do that – although if he had walked on the tracks, he might have reached his school earlier.

Maybe to SMRT, it’s not a service disruption until someone walks on the tracks.

According to my son, the train took about half an hour to get from Yew Tee to Kranji. It usually takes only 7 minutes.

After Kranji, the train travelled at normal speed, but due to the delay, the stations were now very crowded. Free buses were made available at certain stations.

At 7:23, SMRT tweeted:

[NSL]UPDATE: Estimate 20 mins additional travelling time from #JurongEast to #Kranji towards MarinaBay due to track fault.

My son said he was about 30 minutes late for school.

Luckily for him, he didn’t have an exam that morning, unlike some Republic Polytechnic students who couldn’t sit for their paper because they were delayed by the train service disruption – I mean, the trains running at a slower speed.

Confucius said it doesn’t matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop, but what if you go slowly, stop, go slowly, stop, go slowly, stop, go slowly…

It’s enough to make one go cuckoo.

- Published in The New Paper, 2 March 2014

Hallo Mr SM Ong

Enjoyed your Sunday piece
551 479 - that's Confucius life-span
I took A-level history and somehow, that has remained with me
When phone numbers had just 6 digits and local calls were free, I used to dial 551 479 (which rang) and asked for Confucius

Back to you(r piece)
I know the poster you mentioned
Years back, I sent a picture of it to TNP click
I said I 'hoped that wasn't going to be SMRT's new operating policy'

TNP didn't publish it

Remember how we used to say signing on with the army made the officers career soldiers?
Not anymore, it seems the average lifespan of the top brass is 2 years
Deduct 6 months for honeymoon period
6 for ROD (ORD) mood
And it's just one year

Same as the span of Ops Ready guys now

Take care

When I go to the gym or swimming pool, I don't usually bring my own soap or shampoo.

This is because from experience, I know that people tend to leave behind some soap and shampoo in the public shower. I would find them and use them on myself.

Don't "eeeee" me.

It's not like I'm recycling gutter oil.

With Singapore becoming the most expensive city in the world, I'm just trying to save money where I can.

Since it didn't rain yesterday (again), I decided to go swimming at the wonderful Choa Chu Kang swimming complex, which has a water slide, a wave pool and even a spa pool. All for $1.50 on a weekday.

In the past, I'm grateful just to find any near-empty bottle or packet of body wash or shampoo I could salvage in the shower after my swim.

But yesterday, I hit the jackpot.

Someone left behind a whole bar of soap!

Sure, it was slightly used, but since it's soap, I assume it's clean.

I couldn't believe my luck. This has never happened to me in over three decades of using public showers.

It was like Christmas, Chinese New Year and my birthday all rolled into one.

When I showered, I had never enjoyed soaping myself as much as I did yesterday.

I may be a cheapskate, but at least I'd be a clean cheapskate.

If only I had found some shampoo as well.

The news was so big that even Stephen Colbert reported it.

On his US TV show The Colbert Report on Comedy Central last Tuesday, Colbert said: “Singapore is now the world’s most expensive place to live. For the world’s cheapest place, check your clothing label.”

I checked my clothing label. It said: “Made in China.”

But according to the 2014 Worldwide Cost of Living survey by the Economist Intelligence Unit (EIU), the world’s cheapest place to live is actually Mumbai, India.

So Colbert was wrong. That’s the misleading Western media for ya.

Or perhaps I’m taking a programme that’s on a TV channel called Comedy Central a little too seriously.

There are quite a number of international surveys like this with Singapore being ranked somewhere that pop up regularly throughout the year.

Last week, Singapore was ranked the second safest out of 99 countries, according to the US-based World Justice Project Rule of Law Index 2014. We were beaten by Finland, of all places.

My daughter is still upset by a survey two months ago that ranked Singapore as the No. 1 place in the world where you can find the best schools and the happiest kids.

The survey was by another organisation I have never heard of, the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development.

The daughter, who is in Secondary 3, was not happy that the survey said she was happy.

“Do I look happy?” she demanded to know. “Who did they ask to take the survey? They should have asked me!”

And it’s not just kids whose happiness was being ranked. In 2012, a Gallup survey said Singaporeans have the lowest positive emotions worldwide. In other words, we are the unhappiest people on the planet.

Then in 2013, the United Nations-sponsored World Happiness Report 2013 ranked Singapore as only 30th happiest globally, but it was good enough to make us the happiest country in Asia.

Then in January, another survey, called the World of Work Report by recruiting firm Randstad Group, said that Singapore workers are the unhappiest in Asia.

Unhappiest, happiest, unhappiest – I suspect if there’s a survey for the most bipolar country in the world, we would top that as well.

Personally, I always look forward to the results of the Durex survey to learn how much sex I am having – I mean, Singaporeans are having compared to the rest of the world.

But the EIU survey, which ranks Singapore as the world’s most expensive city, is getting more attention than most other surveys.

Even Finance Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam addressed it in Parliament last week.

He said that surveys like the one done by EIU are “basically aimed at comparing cost of living for expatriates in different cities or countries” and “measuring something quite different from the cost of living for an ordinary local in different cities around the world”.

I know how expensive things are in Singapore. I live here.

I still can’t get over having to pay more than $2 for a can of spiced pork cubes. I remember when a can used to cost just $1.15 only a few years ago. That’s like a 100 per cent price hike.

I still love spiced pork cubes, but they’re now a luxury, like caviar and cable TV.

But what bothers me even more than the rising cost of living is this AFP headline for a report on Mr Tharman’s speech: “Singapore downplays ‘world’s most expensive city’ tag.”

Another headline I’m not happy about: “‘World’s most expensive city’ not happy to top the list.”

The smug tone of these headlines rankles me so much that I say instead of being embarrassed by the “most expensive” title, we should own it and rub it back in their faces.

We beat Tokyo, Paris, London and New York, man! That’s no small potatoes.

Look at it another away. You know how unhappy many Singaporeans are that we have so many foreigners here?

Just two days ago in Parliament, Acting Manpower Minister Tan Chuan-Jin said that more than 50 firms have hired disproportionately more foreign executives than they should.

With Singapore now being the most expensive city to live in, fewer foreigners will want to come and work here. The EIU ranking may be a blessing in disguise.

And if that doesn’t scare foreigners away, we still have the haze.

And the dry spell. And the heat. And the increasingly frequent train delays.

And the threat that Ris Low’s movie will eventually be released, like the Kraken.

If only we could also make Singapore a little less safe...

That would be priceless.

- Published in The New Paper, 9 March 2014

EARLIER: I’m not so positive these surveys are reliable

I don't think people appreciate how revolutionary it truly was.

There was a time when instant noodles (or 'Maggi mee') meant only noodles with soup.

Sure, it's fast to cook – but not very good to eat. The soup is always too hot and the taste is pretty bland.

Then along came Indomie Mi Goreng – instant noodles without soup. What a concept!

My life would never be the same again.

I don't have to burn my mouth on the hot soup anymore. I also don't have to wait for the soup to cool down.

And it actually tastes pretty good. The provided chilli powder makes it less bland.

The only caveat is that after eating the noodles, I would be thirsty for the rest of the week no matter how much water I drink.

The MSG can be a little overpowering if you use all the seasoning powder and soy sauce which come with the noodle. But if you don't use them all, it may not taste as good.

I used to enjoy my Mi Goreng with a can of spiced pork cubes and a hard-boiled egg that I would cook together the noodles. But then later, they doubled the price of spiced pork cubes. And so I stopped. Bastards!

Although it's called "Mi Goreng", it bears little resemblance to the mee goreng Singaporeans are familiar with. It may be that "Mi Goreng" is the Indonesian version of mee goreng.

It actually has its own Wikipedia page.

There have been imitators, other instant noodles without soup, but the original Indomie Mi Goreng is still the best. (The special 30th-anniversary five-pack is now selling at NTUC FairPrice for only $1.80– down from the usual $2.40 – until next Wednesday. Don't miss out on the celebration.)

I rank it as the most life-changing food-related invention of the last century along with the microwave oven and 3-in-1 coffee.

Happy 30th anniversary, Mi Goreng!

Three months ago, a man boarded the MRT train with a samurai sword. On Thursday, it was a man with a different kind of pointy object.

The MRT has rules for passengers. Some rules we are familiar with, like no eating and drinking on the train.

But some rules we were made aware of only in January, thanks to a Straits Times report about the Land Transport Authority (LTA) reviewing the rules.

These rules include a maximum penalty of a $500 fine for “entering or remaining in train when it is full”.

This rule is broken by practically every rush-hour train commuter every day. So we should be grateful to LTA for closing one eye and not fining us all these years.

LTA later explained that this rule is to provide “for an authorised person to direct passengers not to board a train if he determines that it is not safe for it to carry more people, and penalises non-compliance”.

So why am I bringing this up now, two months after the fact?

Because last week, a man took off all his clothes on the train and reportedly “performed a lewd act”, bringing a whole new meaning to “playing Flappy Bird”.

Like US singer Miley Cyrus in her music video, he came in like a wrecking ball.

I’m curious to know, what is the maximum penalty for that, according MRT rules?

SMRT said that the man boarded the train on Thursday evening at Bukit Buttock – sorry, I mean Bukit Batok.

A witness said the man started stripping as the train passed Assmiralty station – sorry, I mean Admiralty station. I just can’t seem to get the image of the naked man on the train out of my mind.

Hey, that could be Samuel L. Jackson’s next movie, Naked Man On A Train.

“I have had it with this mother-fuckin’ naked man on this mother-fuckin’ train!”

Unfortunately, the star of Snakes On A Plane wasn’t on the North-South Line that Thursday evening.

This could be the only time Singaporeans wished the PSI was higher so that the haze could obscure the sight of the nude dude.

Most of the passengers understandably moved away from him.

What is perhaps less understandable is, why didn’t all the passengers move away from him?

Would I have moved away from the naked man?

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.

Wait. That came out wrong.

I wouldn’t move away because I wouldn’t want anyone to think I was afraid of a naked man, including the naked man.

Showing fear would only embolden him.

Not that he needed much emboldening to perform the aforementioned lewd act. He then lay down in front of the train door when the train pulled into Sembawank station – sorry, I mean Sembawang.

We should be thankful that he didn’t sit on any of the train seats because any seat he sat on would’ve become very reserved and possibly very sticky.

You may ask, why didn’t anyone try to restrain the man?

Answer: Because no one wanted to touch him.

One of the passengers finally couldn’t take it any more and pressed the emergency communication button to inform SMRT staff of the nudity in their midst.

What do you say in a situation like this?

Perhaps “I have had it with this mother-fuckin’ naked man on this mother-fuckin’ train”?

SMRT staff members eventually boarded the train at Khatib and dragged the man out.

So they had to touch him. That’s what they’re paid for. And clearly, they’re not paid enough.

Surprisingly, this incident didn’t seem to cause any train delay.

If it did, would SMRT have tweeted “[NSL] Estimate 5 mins additional travel time from #BukitBatok towards #Khatib due to naked man fault”?

The man has since been arrested by police for committing an obscene act. Anyone found guilty of indecent behaviour in a public place can be fined up to $1,000 or jailed for up to a month.

I suppose under MRT rules, the man can be considered to be causing “a nuisance or annoyance to other passengers”, which carries a maximum penalty of a $500 fine.

In light of this incident, I suggest that in addition to the “no smoking”, “no eating and drinking”, “no flammable goods” and “no durians” signs on the trains, LTA should also put up “no Flappy Birds” signs.

I also hope that the train that the naked man was on has been properly disinfected.

Or just throw the whole damn train away.

LTA can fine us to pay for a new one.

- Published in The New Paper, 16 March 2014

Hi Mr. S M Ong,

I read with amusement your very interesting topic.

Since we are on this subject could you write in TNP to suggest that all train & bus commuters carry rubber bands.

That The Transport Minister appeal to Parliament to approve this bill :- use rubber bands to Aim & Shoot any flappy bird playing on the flappy BIRD before informing the authorities. This rule must also apply to woman who flap their boobs or walk around naked!

Hahahahehehe!!!!!

Cheers & thanks,
Adeline

A burger as big as my head? Not quite.

But I was still very intrigued by Burger King's new Charcoal Black burger. I have never seen anything like it.

It's quite perverse actually. Who would think that calling a burger "charcoal" would be an appetising way to market a burger?

Besides barbeque, "charcoal" makes me think of the pills you take for diarrhea. Again, not the image you want when you're selling food.

I guess that's why Burger King is emphasising the word "black" in the ads.

I think the only other black food I've eaten is squid ink pasta and I never want to eat that again.

But a black burger is so crazy stupid cool that, of course, I had to try it.

I went for the beef and... it's really not bad.

The black bamboo charcoal bun does taste a little different. It's drier than regular buns but in a good way.

And yes, it does taste a bit like charcoal, but the overwhelming flavour is the turkey bacon and sweet honey mustard sauce.

I applaud Burger King for attempting something new and different in Singapore. Maybe the black burger was meant as a promotional tie-in with the movie 12 Years A Slave until someone came to his or her senses.

Too bad Black History Month was last month.

Not long ago, I was taking the MRT and the guy sitting next to me fell asleep.

As he leaned on me, I took a picture with my iPhone and posted it on Instagram and Facebook.

My caption:

“Providing a shoulder for a sleeping fellow passenger on the train of life. #singaporean”

I thought I was being so whimsical.

But when my wife saw it, she scolded me like hell. “How could you do that? It’s not nice,” she said.

Huh? What did I do wrong?

So I took a picture of the guy without his knowledge. Shrug.

A stranger falling asleep on you is something that happens to everyone who takes the train.

My wife has fallen asleep on the MRT many times. What if someone had taken a picture of her... oh, I see her problem.

It’s a privacy issue then, but I still didn’t see what the big deal was. I see people posting pictures of strangers doing funny things all the time.

My wife realised I didn’t know something about the picture I had posted. She told me to look at the picture again carefully. But I still couldn’t see it.

“He’s drooling,” she said.

I looked at the picture again and now saw a string of saliva hanging from the corner of the guy’s mouth.

Oh, why didn’t I see that earlier? That just made it a more interesting picture.

All the more reason I should’ve shared it. I still couldn’t see what my wife was so upset about.

She said that people might think I was making fun of the guy’s drooling and that just made me look like an “a-hole” (to use the self-censored term radio DJ Joe Augustin used last week to describe a blind woman).

Or at least a bigger “a-hole” than I already resembled.

My wife asked: “What if the guy found out about the photo?”

Yeah, right. That was about as likely as the MRT never getting disrupted again.

There was no way the guy in the picture would come to know about the picture.

That must be what Miss Jesslyn Tan thought too when she posted a picture of another man sleeping on the train two Saturdays ago.

Apparently referring to a hole in the shirt the man was wearing, Miss Tan captioned her photo: “Holey moley. Sibei trendy worzxxz.”

Unfortunately for her, the man in her picture did come to know about the picture. He told The New Paper in Mandarin: “I just don’t understand why a small hole on my shirt made people laugh so much.”

Okay, a few things.

Wouldn’t a better caption be “Holey shirt!”?

Actually, I’m not even sure if I can see the hole in his shirt in the picture. It could be just a shadow, which would kind of negate the whole point of the post.

If I were Miss Tan, I would’ve commented on how the man didn’t look elderly enough to be sitting in the reserved seat.

And he certainly didn’t look pregnant.

Also, what does “worzxxz” mean? Is it a mistyped word or another one of those Internet abbreviations none of us are hip enough to understand?

Regardless, Miss Tan’s Facebook post went viral after someone claiming to be the man’s daughter criticised Miss Tan for “laughing at others”.

The “daughter” wrote: “Not everyone is as lucky as you, making money off looks. We do not have the money to buy fancy clothes.”

But the man told TNP later that he is neither rich nor poor and the reason he doesn’t replace his holey shirts is that new shirts will get holes anyway due to the nature of his job.

Nonetheless, he is so embarrassed by all the publicity that he reportedly wants to quit his job at the Teochew porridge stall.

The irony is that if the “daughter” hadn’t criticised Miss Tan’s post, the photo probably wouldn’t have gone viral and there would’ve been no publicity to be embarrassed by.

Talk about misery city.

After getting flamed, Miss Tan has since removed the post and apologised, but others continued to pile on, making fun of her looks and calling her the next Anton Casey.

Mr Casey should have such great legs.

Miss Tan has been vilified as another rich person looking down on the poor, but I would like to point out that she was taking the MRT (assuming that she took the picture of the holey shirt man herself).

Perhaps her Ferrari was in the shop, but I suspect that being a mere former Miss Singapore Universe finalist like Miss Tan is a long way from being a former Miss Singapore Universe winner like Mr Casey’s wife, Bernice Wong.

I may have never been in a swimsuit competition, but I could’ve been cyber-lynched like Miss Tan because of my own picture of a sleeping man on the MRT posted on Facebook.

I hate it when my wife is right.

Luckily for me, my sleeping guy didn’t have a holey shirt.

So what’s a little drool?

I hope he doesn’t have a “daughter”.

My wife is making me delete the photo.

- Published in The New Paper, 23 March 2014

I have a favourite T-shirt.

One reason it’s my favourite is that it was given to me many years ago by a friend who has since passed away.

Another reason is that I think the shirt shows off my body really well.

It has something to do with the cut and the way the fabric hugs my figure just right.

Despite its age, the shirt is still in pretty good condition because I don’t wear it very often even though it’s my favourite T-shirt.

One reason I don’t wear it very often is that the shirt has the words “naval diver” on the back.

In front of the navy blue tee is the logo of the Naval Diving Unit (NDU) of the Singapore navy.

The late friend who gave me the shirt was a naval diver.

I, on the other hand, have never been a naval diver. So for me to wear the shirt is a bit like false advertising.

It’s like imposters wearing Hard Rock Cafe T-shirts even though they're not Hard Rock Cafes. They’re human beings.

To make me feel less like a fraud whenever I wear my NDU shirt, I convince myself that no one could ever mistake me for a naval diver.

For one thing, naval divers are very tanned. I, on the other hand, have the pallor of a navel gazer.

Another justification for me wearing the shirt is that for a few weeks during my national service, I was actually part of NDU as an underwater medical orderly trainee in Sembawang Camp.

I even took what was then called the Underwater Diving Course, swimming around in the yucky water near Sembawang Shipyard.

And I have the diver's badge to prove it – although the one I have now was bought from Beach Road to replace the original which I accidentally chipped.

But while I did some diving (and skiving) in the navy, vocationally speaking, I’m no naval diver.

If only I can find a T-shirt with the words “naval skiver” on the back.

Still, some of my closest friends from NS were naval divers and my affinity for NDU remains.

So I had mixed feelings when it was reported last week that local film-maker, Cultural Medallion recipient and adulterer Jack Neo’s next movie will be a “spin-off” of his highly profitable Ah Boys To Men movies called Ah Boys To Frogmen, about naval divers, to be released next Chinese New Year.

But judging by Facebook comments I have read, I know of at least one former frogman whose feelings aren’t so mixed – he outright hates the idea.

He is my NS friend, Patrick, who was a full-time naval diver for seven years.

Here’s a sampling of his online rant:

“Now we’re well and truly being farqed over – again!

“They did it once in the 80s and we’re bending over again for this idiot to make money and attract more wannabes.”

He is referring to the Channel 8 drama starring Zoe Tay called Navy Series which aired in 1990.

As for the new movie, Neo reportedly said the navy is not financially backing the film, but will “provide support”.

Pat’s tirade continued:

“I cannot express enough Hokkien, Teochew and Cantonese swear words at my disappointment with this arrangement to collaborate on this misadventure…

“We’ll end up looking like Ah Kwa Peng like the rest of his shitty movies.

“This arsehole has no clue as to what directing a movie requires.

“We watch his shit only because it’s made in Singapore and he has always disappointed on every occasion.”

Clearly, my friend is no fan of Neo’s film oeuvre, but I still couldn’t understand why Pat was so dead set against the movie.

He explained:

“Remember back in our day how little we had to work with but still accomplished the mission?

“Our mindset cannot be expressed by some toyboy actors over a weekend of pretend training.”

Pat was apparently so incensed that he even messaged Neo directly on Facebook:

“Stay away from NDU!

“We’d rather remain ‘the silent professionals’...

“We’ve worked too damn hard to earn our status for you to stuff it up.

“You cannot imagine what we’ve endured physically and mentally to earn the privilege to wear a piece of steel on our chest.

“You really want it, then you go through the whole course first YOURSELF!”

Yeah, 54-year-old Neo in a wetsuit. I don’t think anyone wants to see that.

The message continued:

“I’m an old-school NDU diver from the days before NSF divers came through and even did a small part in the original series with Zoe.

“What a waste of our time.

“So STAY AWAY FROM NDU. We’re not here for you to make money and mockery of.”

Neo hasn’t responded to Pat’s message and Pat doesn’t expect him to.

But I should warn Neo that Pat is into martial arts and has a scary fascination with big knives.

I must remember never to let Pat catch me wearing the shirt.

- Published in The New Paper, 30 March 2014

EARLIER: Remembering my first drowned body job

Remember six months ago?

When people were wondering what the fox said?

When we were watching Sandra Bullock floating in space in a movie where her lines consisted primarily of “Ah! Ah! Ah!”?

When the most critical lunchtime decision you had to make was whether you should order the Beef Samurai Burger or the Chicken Samurai Burger at McDonald’s? (Answer: beef.)

That was also around the time when a mysterious fire at a SingTel facility disrupted Internet service, forcing Singaporeans to talk to each other for a change.

And Kiss92 DJ Arnold Gay held a bonfire to burn his son’s school work and commemorate the end of PSLE as a way to bond with the kid.

Because the two fiery incidents happened within days of one another, I wrote a column suggesting that Gay should be the prime suspect in the investigation to find the cause of the SingTel fire.

What I didn’t write was this “editor’s note” at the end of the column:

“Our writer’s theory is clearly off. Gay did not have anything to do with that blaze.”

Really? Was the editor’s note necessary?

Were people going to read my column and say: “That Arnold Gay started the SingTel fire and I couldn’t get on Twitter for two minutes. Let’s lynch him!”

Or was Gay himself going to call me and complain: “Hey, why did you write in The New Paper on Sunday that I started the SingTel fire? There’s now an angry mob outside my house with pitchforks and torches calling for my head.”

Where would you get a pitchfork in Singapore anyway? Maybe at Mustafa. They sell everything.

But the idea that Gay had anything to do with the SingTel fire is so far-fetched that I would be shocked if anyone took it seriously.

Which brings me to another radio DJ who started a minor firestorm last week.

I have been a fan of Chris Ho’s since the early 80s. I was thrilled to finally meet him two decades ago when I was a guest on a Rediffusion show he was hosting.

The self-proclaimed “Punk Monk Hunk” may have a reputation for being a “rebel” – hence his 1998 book Skew Me You Rebel Meh?– but as a DJ, he was a complete professional and knew his job.

On his Facebook page, however, anything goes. He just lets loose. His frequent targets are the local mainstream media, the Government and Singaporeans in general, whom he likes to call “sheep”.

Here’s a recent post:

“I fully understand that Singaporeans are nice folks at heart. They just can’t help themselves... from denial of repression and the Govt’s all-intrusive control. A fascism that dares not speak its name.”

Wah, cheem ah.

Then on Thursday, the Lush 99.5FM DJ might have gone a little too far, so to speak.

Commenting on a Singapore Army recruitment poster’s headline “How far would you go to protect our home?”, Ho wrote:

“How far...? Let’s see... I’m with you foreigners! Kill the fckn Singaporeans but not my friends, can?”

Do I think he’s advocating genocide? No, but it is consistent with his oft-expressed view that Singaporeans are “sheep” for slaughter.

The backlash came fast, but some defended Ho, saying his “satirical post was taken too seriously”.

You know how at the airport, you’re not allowed to make bomb jokes? I think you should also not be allowed to make jokes about killing anyone on social media.

Yes, not even Justin Bieber.

Insinuating that Arnold Gay might be an arsonist was one thing, but siding with foreigners to kill your fellow countrymen (but not your friends) even ironically might be crossing the line just a tad.

If only Ho had made the comment two days earlier, he could’ve at least claimed it was an April Fool’s prank and offered free ice cream like Ikea did.

So on Friday evening, he posted an apology on his Facebook page – if you can call it that. Although he used the words “apologise” and “sorry”, he didn’t sound very apologetic.

He wrote:

“I will formally apologise here if anyone felt offended by my little satirical remark cos it was not meant to offend anyone at all. Sorry if a wake-up jibe offended your sense of what’s right.”

Maybe we “sheep” should even thank him for the “wake-up jibe”.

In his “apology” for his “kill Singaporeans” comment, he also wrote:

“I was shocked that something so far-fetched was taken so seriously and not seen for what it is – a satirical call for Singaporeans to think for themselves and know what’s what.”

You see? Ho was only trying to save us from ourselves – through satire.

No, wait. Maybe the apology wasn’t meant as an apology, but more satire!

The “sheep” are just too sheep-like to get it.

But as the sheep turn into wolves in online savaging of Ho over his “little satirical remark”, I do agree with Ho unironically that the whole thing has been blown out of proportion. It’s not like he set anything on fire.

Perhaps an editor’s note isn’t such a bad idea after all.

- Published in The New Paper, 6 April 2014

EARLIER: Chris Ho versus New Nation: Who pwns who?

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Behold the waffle burger (And butterscotch chicken wings)

Why PM Lee Hsien Loong can't 'unfriend' anyone on Facebook

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The so-called art thing at Yew Tee (and Ann Kok)

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So was it a service disruption or just slow trains?

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A tribute to 30 years of Mi Goreng

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Charcoal burger: Once you go black...

I could've been like a Miss Singapore finalist (not winner)

Dear Jack Neo, you don't wanna mess with this frogman

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