S M Ong

Dear Mr Joe Biden,

Sup from Singapore! Big fan.

Loved your walk-on on Parks And Rec. Totes hilar.

You’re just killing this Vice-President of the United States thing. Air five!

So here’s the deal.

About a week and a half ago, you got into a little controversy for saying something about our former prime minister, Mr Lee Kuan Yew.

You were making a speech in Iowa (great state, by the way, someone there created a Wikipedia page about me) to kick off the Nuns On A Bus tour, which sounds like the title of a Monty Python movie from the 90s.

I didn’t see the whole speech.

Just the part on YouTube where you said:

“You know, on the way back from Mumbai to go meet with president Xi in China, I stopped in Singapore to meet with a guy named Lee Kuan Yew, who most foreign policy experts around the world say is the wisest man in the Orient.”

Wait, who, what?

You met “a guy named Lee Kuan Yew” who is said to be wisest man in “the Orient”?

Did the fumes from the nuns’ bus get to you?

Who uses the term “the Orient” any more besides the Pirates Of The Caribbean?

Even Johnny Depp must be shaking his movie star head.

Critics quickly jumped on your remark, calling it a gaffe since the term is considered offensive to Asians.

You know, just like how the name of your local sports team, the Washington Redskins, is offensive to Native Americans, who used to be called “Indians”, which, if not offensive, is at least confusing to actual Indians from India.

It didn’t help that you had just earlier apologise for using another politically incorrect term, “shylocks”, in another speech.

The anti-anti-Semitism group, Anti-Defamation League, complained:

“Shylock represents the medieval stereotype about Jews and remains an offensive characterization to this day. The vice-president should have been more careful.”

I know what you’re thinking: “But Shakespeare used it! In The Merchant Of Venice!”

Yeah, but The Bard lived 500 years ago. So he might not be so up-to-date in the latest linguistic mores.

Willy even used “the Orient” in one of his sonnets.

The horror, the horror. (No, wait. That’s Joseph Conrad.)

But unlike you, William Gaffespeare didn’t have the Republican Party to contend with.

An Asian-American spokesman from the GOP tried to score political points by picking on your textual Orient-ation:

“Vice-President Joe Biden’s insensitive remarks are offensive to both Asian-Americans and our Asian allies abroad.

“His comment is not only disrespectful but also uses unacceptable imperialist undertones. It’s time for the vice-president to apologise and to understand that his comments embarrass our country.”

Really? I think this is the last thing you should worry about embarrassing your country.

(Cough, iPhone 6, cough, iOS 8, cough.)

The Republicans speaking up for a minority group? That’s a first. That would be like you defending gun rights. Am I right? Or am I right? Air 10!

I can’t speak for Asian-Americans, but as your Asian ally abroad, I don’t think Singaporeans are all that offended by your remarks.

So far, no press release from our Ministry of Foreign Affairs condemning your choice of words.

As someone in a local online forum commented: “I didn’t know the word ‘Orient’ is offensive to Asians.”

Should we also be offended that we have a hotel named Mandarin Oriental?

Actually, many Singaporeans aren’t even aware that you name-dropped Mr Lee in your speech.

I couldn’t find any mention of it in our local newspapers. The paper I work for, The New Paper, ran the story only on its website.

No offence, but if president Barack Obama had said it, then it would probably be a bigger deal.

Although comedian Jon Stewart made fun of your gaffes on The Daily Show, my sister said the Lee Kuan Yew bit was cut out of the Comedy Central Asia broadcast of the show here.

To be fair, it wasn’t you who called Mr Lee “the wisest man in the Orient”. It was those insensitive “foreign policy experts around the world”.

However, I am a little disturbed by one thing you did say.

You referred to our 91-year-old former PM as “a guy named Lee Kuan Yew”.

Mr Lee is not “a guy”.

He is Limpeh!

You have to admit you’re not the wisest man in the Occident for saying that.

What next? Are you going to refer to our current PM as “a dude named Lee Hsien Loong”?

But don’t get me wrong. I still love America. My favourite insurance company is the American Insurance Association, better known as AIA.

#Forgiven.

So what was it like working with Amy Poehler?

Good luck in 2016!

From Singapore with love,
SM Ong

- Published in The New Paper, 28 September 2014

EARLIER: Brash man Orient-tation: Lee Kuan Yew's just this guy, y'know

In American public discourse, there's this theory that "When you’ve lost Jon Stewart, you’ve lost Middle America".

On Mr Brown's blog yesterday, Singapore's Blogfather pretty much came out and whacked "Roy Ngerng, Han Hui Hui and gang" for disrupting the YMCA event at Hong Lim Park on Saturday.

Or to use Mr Brown's exact words:

If my daughter, Faith, who has autism, or any of my kids, had been on stage performing that day at the YMCA event, and Roy Ngerng, Han Hui Hui and gang came over to disrupt the proceedings, I would have taken their signs and placards and shoved the lot up their collective arses.

I appreciate that Mr Brown (real name Lee Kin Mun) avoided saying that the Return Our CPF protesters "heckled" the kids, which was how it was widely and inaccurately reported.

The protesters never intended to target the kids. It was just unfortunate they were doing their disruptive thing near the stage as the kids were taking the stage.

Even more unfortunate is that whoever uploaded the YouTube video of the incident entitled it "Hong Lim Park Protestors heckle Special Needs Children from YMCA".

And so the "heckling" meme spread along with the video.

The protest supporters can blame everyone (NParks, YMCA, police, PAP) and everything else for the chain of events, but it's hard to defend "heckling special needs children" even though that was not what actually happened.

There are those who support the protesters no matter what and there are those who are against them no matter what and nothing can change their minds. And then there are those who couldn't be bothered.

But this meme might have turned some of the couldn't-be-bothered against the protesters.

Before yesterday's tirade, the only instance online I could find Mr Brown mentioning Ngerng was in this jokey tweet in reference to Ngerng raising money for his legal defence against the PM's lawsuit in June:

If PM drops Roy Ngerng's case, will the $80,000 raised so far go into the Singapore Pools Ang Pow Draw?
— mrbrown (@mrbrown) June 3, 2014

And once you've lost Mr Brown, you've lost public opinion.

Let's call it the Mr Brown Index.

You can't dismiss him as a PAP supporter (as you may former SPH journalist Bertha Henson despite her branding herself as a "troublemaker") since Mr Brown famously lost his gig as a Today newspaper columnist in 2006 after a complaint from the Ministry of Information, Communications and the Arts over an article he wrote.

(Sure, he was later invited to tea with the PM at the Istana in 2012, but so was Andrew Loh.)

And besides being an indicator of public opinion, Mr Brown can also influence it because of his popularity. (Fortunately or unfortunately, "Singapore's most popular blogger"Xiaxue is more interested in sharing her baby photos and promoting her sponsors than ruminating on current affairs.)

This makes Mr Brown's blog post pretty damaging for Ngerng and his cause, more so than any minister's comment.

The PM's lawsuit might have made Ngerng look like a martyr to some, but now, at least according to Mr Brown, Ngerng and his friends are just a "bunch of insensitive wankers".

The moral of the story?

You can attack the Government all you want, but you don't fuck around with special needs kids.

The Daily Show
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In the wake of Hecklegate, someone has created an online petition to "revoke Han Hui Hui's Singapore citizenship", which now has more than 4,000 supporters.

Wait, online petitions are still a thing?

Does anyone really expect Miss Han's IC to be taken away if the number of petition supporters reaches a certain magic figure?

Is that figure higher than 19,988, which is the number of signatures the online petition to "remove Tin Pei Lin as MP" got?

Or higher than 23,835, which is the number of supporters that the "close down Stomp.com.sg" petition got?

4,000 is already higher than 3,368, which is the number of supporters the "return our CPF" petition got.

That last petition was started by Roy Ngerng, who is also part of Hecklegate along with Miss Han.

So based on the petitions, more people actually want Miss Han's citizenship revoked than want their CPF back.

That is bad news for Miss Han and her Return Our CPF gang.

But all these numbers don't really matter since none of the online petitions have achieved their stated goals.

So it's good news for Miss Han that Ms Tin is still MP, Stomp is still stomping away and I haven't got my CPF back yet as this means Miss Han is likely to keep her citizenship too.

Then why are people still creating online petitions and signing them since they're so ineffectual?

Because they let people express themselves and show their unhappiness with the current state of affairs without making any real change.

Like protesting at Hong Lim Park.

Hey, at least online petitions don't frighten any special needs children.

And it's better than doing nothing, right?

I'm still upset that my "McDonald's garlic chilli sauce sucks!" petition got only one signature - mine.

EARLIER: When you've lost Mr Brown, you've lost mainstream Singapore

Not quite The Anarchist Cookbook.

There’s something oxymoronic about a Manual Of Disobedience.

It’s like “Hey, you want to be disobedient? Fine. But you have to obey this manual about how to be disobedient.”

Before violence broke out on Friday, this manual was attributed as the reason the Occupy Central With Love and Peace (OCLP) demonstrators in Hong Kong are the “world’s politest protesters”.

Courtesy is apparently their way of life.

Who needs Singa the Courtesy Lion when they have the Manual Of Disobedience?

They reportedly picked up the litter after a hard day's night of being tear-gassed by the police, even making the effort to recycle.

Singaporeans reading this must be asking, “Really?”

Sure, the fine for littering in Hong Kong is HK$1,500 (S$250), but it’s not like they have the Corrective Work Order.

Are they just trying to make us look bad?

For all our “clean and orderly” reputation, Singaporeans can’t even clear our own trays after we eat.

Maybe we need a Manual Of Obedience.

And Joseph Schooling should be forced to memorise it.

The 19-year-old Asian Games medal-winning swimmer got into a little trouble for allegedly returning to the Athletes’ Village in Incheon, South Korea, very late and intoxicated with two other swimmers last month.

Who knows exactly what happened? No video has surfaced. They could be out heckling special-needs children.

Hypothetical question: If Schooling had participated in the “Singapore in Solidarity with HK event” at the Speakers’ Corner at Hong Lim Park on Wednesday night, would he have been investigated by the police?

You know, since “only Singapore citizens and permanent residents are allowed to participate in demonstrations held at the Speakers’ Corner”.

And enough people say Schooling is a foreigner that his father felt compelled to make a video to deny it.

The Manual Of Obedience should include this instruction just for the swimmer: “Do not be a Eurasian and speak with an American accent or some Singaporeans are going to call you a foreigner.”

If only he threw in a few “lahs” and “lehs” at the end of his sentences, he wouldn’t have this problem.

Or he could protest at Speakers’ Corner about being called a foreigner since he’s allowed to do so since he’s not a foreigner to prove that he’s not a foreigner.

In which case, the OCLP’s Manual Of Disobedience can provide some helpful advice.

It contains such instructions for protesters as “demonstrate virtues of higher standard than those of the suppressors, so as to gain the support of the society”.

And “display a peaceful and rational attitude with dignity”.

And “avoid wearing contact lens”.

Seriously.

That’s a good tip. If you think getting tear-gassed is bad, getting tear-gassed with contact lenses on is much worse.

Unfortunately, the Manual Of Disobedience doesn’t say anything about not heckling special-needs children.

Actually, the advice for protesters should be: Do not appear to be heckling special-needs children even though you’re not.

On further consideration, the advice should be: Just stay away from special-needs kids.

The Return Our CPF protesters at Hong Lim Park last weekend learnt that lesson a little too late - that is, if they even acknowledge it.

Despite all the videos that emerged showing what really happened on Sept 27, there is still debate over what really happened that day in the park. It’s like Rashomon at 360p or better.

The only thing the videos confirm is that a lot of video was shot at the event.

But the video that was widely shared online early on was one entitled “Hong Lim Park protesters heckle special-needs children from YMCA”.

And thus Hecklegate was born.

Poor YMCA. Where are the Village People when you need them?

One wonders if it’s still fun to stay at the Y.

So did the protesters really heckle the kids?

Remember the photo of the woman defecating outside Holland Village MRT station that went viral recently?

No one heckled her in person, but many immediately assumed she was a Chinese national. It didn’t matter that she was later identified as a “Singaporean with a long history of schizophrenia and intellectual disability”. That first impression stuck.

Likewise, it no longer matters whether the protesters actually heckled the children on stage. They’re now stuck with always having to deny that they did.

Hey, at least they weren’t tear-gassed.

Both the Return Our Protest protest leaders, Mr Roy Ngerng and Miss Han Hui Hui, were wearing glasses. Good. That means they weren’t wearing contacts.

So perhaps they did read the Manual Of Disobedience.

Too bad they skipped the part about displaying a peaceful and rational attitude with dignity.

But there’s no need to feel down.

Pick yourself off the ground.

There’s a place you can go where you will find many ways to have a good time.

But you better hurry because The Butter Factory will be closing for good in March next year.

Maybe you’ll see Joseph Schooling there.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 September 2014

EARLIER:

Online petitions: Bad news, good news for Han Hui Hui

When you've lost Mr Brown, you've lost mainstream Singapore

Yesterday, the New York Times apologised on Facebook for running this editorial cartoon about India's Mars mission.

Post by The New York Times.

Who knew the Grey Lady has been running cartoons by a Singaporean?

I'm very impressed by Mr Heng Kim Song (not to be confused with Quah Kim Song the footballer). I mean, how many Singaporeans get to have their work published by an organisation like NYT? That's a big deal.

But then Mr Heng has been a cartoonist for 30 years. His work has even been shown in an art gallery.

It's a pity that I noticed him only after one of his cartoons was accused of being racist.

I've never heard of him before yesterday, even though he has been praised by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong on Facebook.

Post by Lee Hsien Loong.

PM even posted a picture with the cartoonist last year.

Post by Lee Hsien Loong.

I feel bad for Mr Heng that after decades of good work, this NYT controversy is what he'll be most famous for from now on.

Actually, it would be amazing if this is really his first controversy. How did he manage to avoid one for so long?

From my own experience, I know that in this line of work (ie content creation), offending people is an inevitability. The offendees could be Adam Lambert fans or CNY fans. (Not Crosby, Nash & Young fans.) It's par for the course, as they say.

There are some who say that if you're not pissing anyone off, then you're not doing your job properly (ie being creative, pushing the envelope).

But no one sets out to offend anyone.

Perhaps provoke and shock on occasion, but no one likes to get complaints.

And no one especially wants to be called racist.

So is the cartoon really racist?

Well, it does stereotype Westerners as fat, balding old men.

But I think the intended meaning of the cartoon is nicely summed up in this tweet:

In fact, I liked the point it was making That you can be simple and still conquer great feats. #hengkimsong @nytimes @nytimesworld #India
— Khayalon Ki Malika (@KhayaliMalika) October 7, 2014

Ultimately, whether you and I think it's racist doesn't matter. Enough people were offended by Mr Heng's cartoon that an NYT editor had to apologise for it.

And because the cartoonist is Singaporean, the offendees (mostly Indians) naturally have to take a dig at Singapore.

Post by Justin Peter.

Hey, isn't Singapore embarking on our own space programme too?

To even the score, an Indian cartoonist can draw something to make fun of that.

UPDATE:

In an interview with The New Paper, Mr Heng said he has received threats because of the cartoon.

“I started receiving many posts and messages on my Facebook and Linkedin accounts. They were abusive, curt and filled with vulgarities. One of them even said they wanted to tear me apart.”

He explained that the cartoon was inspired by something he read and a photo of a bullock cart transporting a satellite part in the 1980s.

“I was trying to portray India’s engineering success, despite the odds stacked against them.”

He was shocked and saddened by critcism. “I always try to be respectful in portraying issues," he said. “In future, I will be more cautious about culturally-sensitive representations.”

The Straits Times: Award-winning cartoonist receives flak and support over NYT cartoon

I know I’m not a very good parent.

But I didn't realise the depths of my suckitude until last week.

I have a son in the first year of junior college like Agatha Tan, the Hwa Chong Institution student whose open letter to her principal went viral.

Her letter expressed “sincere concerns” about an Oct 4 relationship workshop called “It’s UNcomplicated” conducted in her school.

She said the accompanying booklet taught her that “bigotry is very much alive" and it was naïve of her to think she could be safe from it even in school.

So she did learn something from the workshop.

I’m such a terrible parent that I wasn't even sure if my son knew what “bigotry" meant.

He sounded rather insulted when I asked him.

“You know, I did study the book The Chrysalids in secondary school and it was all about bigotry,” he said.

Oh.

I pretended I remembered what The Chrysalids was about.

I was so afraid of annoying him any further that I took him at his word.

Yes, I’m such a terrible parent that I'm afraid of my own offspring. He’s taller than me and can get pretty surly.

I quickly looked up The Chrysalids. The book by John Wyndham is about some kid getting into trouble in some future society because he or she is “different”. It might as well be called Divergent. Or The Giver. Or Astro Boy.

In a way, Agatha is also “different”.

According to Focus On The Family Singapore, more than 14,000 young people have attended its workshop since it started last year.

And none of those 14,000 young people wrote an open letter three times longer than this article complaining about the workshop.

Except Agatha.

She is clearly Divergent and Shailene Woodley should play her in a movie.

If Woodley isn’t available, get Lim Kay Tong.

In Agatha's letter, she used such fancy words like “binary model of a nuclear family", “binary heterosexual norm" and “polyamorous individuals".

Why can't my son use fancy words like that?

Or can he?

I dare not ask.

I’m such a terrible parent that I almost wished I could trade in my son for Agatha.

I hope she’s not the surly type.

In response to her letter, the principal of Hwa Chong Institution, Dr Hon Chiew Weng, wrote in an internal school circular sent out on Thursday:

“One lesson we can learn from this episode is that even if a programme is approved by both MSF (Ministry of Social and Family Development) and MOE (Ministry of Education), things can go wrong."

Way to throw two ministries under the bus, Dr Hon.

The principal also blamed the workshop facilitator, calling him “ineffective” as “several students objected to various viewpoints, and (the male facilitator) was not able to address their concerns satisfactorily”.

Agatha had criticised the workshop facilitator in her letter for his "joking" sexist attitude and "shutting down" another participant who raised an issue.

On Friday, Focus On The Family Singapore responded:

“As Focus is an external service provider, our facilitators are instructed to adhere to approved content. Our facilitators’ efforts to stay on track may have been misunderstood as imposing certain views and that the facilitator is unconcerned with students’ questions.”

So the company’s defence is that there was a misunderstanding between the students and the facilitator teaching the students how to avoid misunderstanding between the sexes. Irony alert!

Where do these facilitators come from anyway?

Can anyone be a facilitator?

Sure.

According to the Focus On The Family Singapore website, all you had to do to be selected was send in an online application form, attend a 10-minute selection interview and participate in a $300 two-day training session.

You even get a certificate.

And voila! More than 14,000 young minds at your disposal.

Wait a minute.

Is my son one of those 14,000 young minds?

I’m such a terrible parent that I have little idea what my son does in school.

This time, I braced myself, gritted my teeth, bite the bullet, girded my loins, screwed my courage to the sticking place and asked him.

He thought about it for a while and said that he vaguely recalled attending something in school a few months ago with the word “complicated” in it.

That was the “It’s UNcomplicated” workshop!

Alamak, was he also exposed to the casual gender stereotyping? It’s worse than being exposed to Ebola.

Was he told to “conform to traditional gender roles” instead of being his own person as described by Agatha in her letter?

Was he taught that “the acceptance of diversity in people is unimportant”?

Did he read the booklet that “actively serve to promote rape culture in school”?

Did he learn that “no” means “yes”?

Was he going to start referring to girls as “gals”?

My son said that he barely remembers anything from the workshop because he wasn’t paying attention. He was busy doodling on the booklet they gave out.

Oh.

That’s a relief.

For once, being a slacker might have been to his advantage.

I may not be such a terrible parent after all.

- Published in The New Paper, 12 October 2014

The Battle For Merger reprint.

The battle for To Singapore, With Love.

Lim Kay Tong cast as Lee Kuan Yew in the upcoming movie 1965.

It won't be given an NAR classification by MDA like To Singapore, With Love because the $2.8 million-budget 1965 is "supported" by MDA under its Production Assistance Scheme, which means money.

Yes, Singapore taxpayers, see where your money is going.

With all this revisiting of Singapore's history, I decided to do some revisiting myself on YouTube.

First up, the 2005 three-part Discovery channel documentary, The History Of Singapore, produced to coincide with the nation's 40th birthday.

This next video is from the DVD that accompanied the book Chronicle Of Singapore (50 Years Of Headline News) 1959-2009.

Finally, someone edited together the scenes of Lim Kay Tong as a communist from the 1989 Australian TV mini-series Tanamera: Lion of Singapore. (Don't miss the surprise ending where he's apparently shot by a ...)

Talk about revisionist history.

Remember in July when Singapore went a weird hot streak where a series of local news items got international attention?

I'm talking about the NLB gay penguins tango, the Archie gay wedding comic book ban and the anti-gambling World Cup ad starring Andy.

It seems to be happening again this month.

Starting small, the first is not quite local news, but it involves a Singaporean, cartoonist Heng Kim Song, whose NYT cartoon received some backlash:

BBC: India Mars Mission: New York Times apologises for cartoon

Indiatimes: New York Times Issues Apology For Racist Cartoon On India's Mars Mission

Business Standard: Online anger forces NYT to apologize for 'racist' cartoon

We also had the To Singapore, With Love movie controversy (although technically this started last month):

New York Times: Banned Film Reunites Singapore With Its Exiles

The Independent (UK): Have you heard about the film Singapore has banned its people from watching? Well, you have now

Huffington Post: For Yale in Singapore, It's Deja-vu All Over Again

Then came Hwa Chong student Agatha Tan's open letter about a "sexist" relationship workshop in school:

Buzzfeed: A Teen’s Open Letter About Her School’s Sexist Sex-Ed Class Is Going Viral

Huffington Post: 17-Year-Old Spells Out Everything Wrong With Her Lousy Sex Ed Class

Jezebel: Badass Teen Pens Letter Against Focus on the Family Sex Ed Workshop

And of course Pizza Hut's 'Pink Fat Lady' receipt:

Buzzfeed: Pizza Hut Apologizes For Calling A Woman A “Pink Fat Lady” On Her Receipt

Time: Pizza Hut Singapore Apologizes for Calling Customer ‘Pink Fat Lady’ on Receipt

Gawker: Pizza Hut Customer Says They Called Her "Pink Fat Lady" on a Receipt

I expect the open letter by Gurmit Singh's daughter to Forever 21 about misogynist rap songs to appear on Jezebel some time soon.

I would love to see John Oliver's take on that.

PS: No one outside Singapore seems to care about Singapore Sports Hub's grass problem.

"Ten years after being crowned Singapore Idol, Taufik Batisah is still on top of his game."

That line in The Straits Times FB post got wondering: Exactly what "game" is Taufik on top of?

Is it the game of being a Malay-language pop star? Then yes, he certainly seems "on top" of it, having won the Most Popular Song (Singapore), Most Popular Artist and Social Media Icon awards at the Malay music awards show, Anugerah Planet Muzik last night.

But if the "game" is being a Singapore Idol, then I would say not quite.

My impression is that the objective of Singapore Idol was to find an English-language pop star.

Since English is the common language among the different races here, it makes sense that to be a truly Singapore's idol, you should be an English-language pop star.

Which was why SI was shown on Channel 5, an English-language channel. The Malay, Tamil and Chinese-language TV channels have their own talent shows.

After winning the first Singapore Idol in 2004, Taufik released his first album, Blessing, which was an English album. His second album, All Because of You, was a mix of English and Malay songs. His next three albums were all Malay.

The second Singapore Idol, Hady Mirza, who won in 2006, followed practically the same path but accelerated - his first album was mostly English but already contained one Malay song. His next album, Sang Penyanyi, was all Malay.

Take Two, the English-language first album of the third Singapore, Sezairi Sezali, who won in 2009, came and went in 2010. Last year, he was courting the Malay market with the single Sayang.

Yes, I know there's no market for a local English-language recording artist.

The only one I can think of who has made any lasting impact in recent decades is... Dick Lee?

Kit Chan may be known for singing Dick Lee's Home, but her career was built on her Mandarin recordings. Ditto Stephanie Sun, Tanya Chua and JJ Lin.

If any of the Singapore Idol winners had been Chinese, one suspects he or she would eventually record Mandarin songs too.

But wasn't the premise and promise of the three Singapore Idol competitions (where Dick Lee was a judge) and last year's already forgotten The Final 1 was to find a break-out English-language singing star and change the market?

I feel misled.

Dear Gurmit,

How’s it going?

It’s been a while. The Phua Chu Kang movie didn’t turn out the way I hoped.

You look good for a guy a year older than me. Still hitting the gym?

I feel old.

I shouldn’t say that since there are older people who must be feeling older. I know how annoying it is to hear people younger than you complaining about feeling old.

Even when you’re 80, you can’t complain about feeling old because there’ll be someone 90 years old saying, “Old? You have no idea what feeling old means, you young punk!”

But I felt particularly old last week when I read about your daughter Gabbi’s open letter to Forever 21, calling out the misogynistic rap song being played in a clothing store targeted at women.

It’s cool that Forever 21 has apologised, explaining: “A staff member had played his own personal list, which was not part of the company recommendations.”

Gabbi reminds me of the Hwa Chong girl who wrote the open letter to her principal about the “sexist” relationship workshop in her school.

With young people like these, there may be hope for Singapore’s future after all.

As you can see, I’m also jumping on the public missive bandwagon by writing this open letter to you.

Kids. They grow up so fast.

I still think of Gabbi as the baby I saw when I visited you in your HDB flat in Woodlands in the 90s. And now she’s using words like “misogynistic”, “bitches” and “fellatio” in her open letter.

I can faint.

By the way, remember when you were still living in HDB? How crazy was that?

Would a Lamborghini fit into a standard HDB parking lot?

Just kidding!

Hey, I went through a mid-life crisis too. You bought an Italian supercar, I bought skinny jeans.

But you’ve replaced the Lambo with an Audi S5, right? I saw it on Instagram.

I also read on your Instagram that Gabbi has published a book of her poetry called Anomic Aphasia.

And she’s only 17!

That’s seriously impressive. I had to look up what “anomic aphasia” means. (It’s a medical condition where you can’t recall names.)

I’m still waiting for someone to publish my book of song lyrics I wrote in secondary school. And I’m 48!

My son is still working on his never-ending space fantasy epic which I’m afraid to read. I blame Adrian Pang for encouraging him to be a writer.

Which brings me to the real reason I’m writing you this letter.

No, not kill Adrian Pang.

As you may or may not know, my son was born in the same year as Gabbi. I remember thinking at the time how cool it would be if they grew up, started dating and got married – then you and I could be in-laws!

Well, it’s now 17 years later. They’re sort of at the age when they can start dating.

I was wondering... you know.

I know what you’re thinking – is my son worthy of dating your daughter?

Probably not.

I mean, he’s no Irfan Fandi, who’s also 17 and was just named one of the 40 best young talents in world football by The Guardian newspaper in UK.

But then at 1.86m, Irfan is way too tall for Gabbi.

My son, on the other hand, is about your height, which your daughter should be used to.

And frankly, I would make a better in-law than Fandi Ahmad. I would let you beat me at football.

Just like how Fandi let all those other teams beat his LionsXII. Burn!

Also, my son doesn’t like rap. He prefers Chinese orchestral music and there’s no such thing as misogynistic Chinese orchestral music.

Admittedly, he might have listened to Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot a little too often because he kept rewatching the episode of Friends with that song on Blu-ray.

But he’s never all about the bass. Or treble.

He will never refer to anyone as a “pink fat lady” since he doesn’t work at Pizza Hut. Even Meghan Trainor.

You may have read somewhere (my column last week) that my son can get pretty surly, but that’s only to me, his father.

To other people, he’s much, much, much less surly.

An introduction – that’s all I’m asking for after 20 years of acquaintance.

I may sound a bit desperate, but that’s because my wife and I are afraid no one will ever marry my son and we have nightmares about spending the rest of our lives living with him.

Yes, Gabbi deserves better, but so do we.

Just think about it. No pressure.

And please apologise to your wife, Melissa, for me. I didn’t mean to snub her at the PCK series wrap party at Zouk in 2007. I didn’t realise it was her until after I snubbed her.

Good luck with the President’s Star Charity show next month.

All the best in Singapore and JB,
Smong

- Published in The New Paper, 19 October 2014

Okay, I admit it. I’m jealous of Ivan Heng.

The theatre veteran and Cultural Medallion recipient was invited to the state banquet in Buckingham Palace with the Queen in honour of President Tony Tan Keng Yam during his UK visit last week.

And when I say “Queen”, I don’t mean Kumar. I mean Queen Elizabeth II of England.

As my Hokkien wife taught me to say: “Bo jio!”

(As defined by the ever-reliable online bible on Singaporean phrases, Wikipedia, “bo jio” means “you didn’t invite me”.)

Why am I jealous?

Free food!

Granted, it’s British food. But still, free food!

At least, I assume it’s free. I mean, you don’t have to prepare a hongbao, right?

Can you use Singapore dollars or must it be in British pound? Will the euro do?

How much do you give the Queen of England anyway?

Isn’t it enough we have to pay so much to watch English football on TV?

Who am I kidding? I don’t even watch football or give hongbao at wedding dinners.

Wait, wasn’t Heng the same guy whose life was so boring that he spent New Year’s Eve watching TV and complaining about the “cheena” Channel 5 countdown show on Facebook?

And now he gets invited to makan with Kate Middleton’s grandmother-in-law.

What changed between New Year’s Eve and last week that suddenly made him so invitable to royal shindigs hosted by a Helen Mirren impersonator?

Well, in August, Heng married Briton Tony Trickett in London.

I looked at my Hokkien wife disappointedly.

Why couldn’t we have married in England? Why couldn’t she be British? Why couldn’t she be a man?

Is that too much to ask for?

Perhaps Heng was invited by the Queen to make up for Section 377A, which came from the British, our former colonial masters, who repealed the anti-gay law in 1967 in England, yet Section 377A remains in Singapore in 2014.

If only Heng and Mr Trickett had hatched an egg together in a zoo, they could be removed from the library children’s section and placed in the adult section after weeks of controversy.

If they had been an Archie comic book, they would not have been allowed to be imported and distributed in retail outlets.

But if they had been an X-Men comic book, they would not be banned because they offered a balanced treatment on the issue of gay marriage.

Which is good because I bought the X-Men comic book as a present for my daughter’s 15th birthday last month even though she’s more into the Winter Soldier now, thanks to the movie.

Am I the only one who finds the new Avengers: Age Of Ultron teaser trailer kind of “meh”?

Sure, the Iron Man Hulkbuster suit is cool, but everything else seem so superhero generic. A little Blue Swede would’ve hit the spot.

That’s just a sample of the scintillating small talk I would’ve exchanged with the Queen had I been invited to the palace.

Did you see Renee Zellweger’s new face? What happened to her eyes? She doesn’t look like me any more.

I would also show Her Majesty the latest viral videos in Singapore on my new still-unbent iPhone 6.

Like the one where people coming up an escalator were forced into intimate positions with strangers one after another on a packed platform at the Lakeside MRT station.

Post by Joel Rasis.

Can Her Majesty see what SMRT is doing to her loyal Commonwealth subjects?

But I wouldn’t show her the video of an amorous young couple caught in an HDB stairwell perhaps training for a different type of vertical marathon because showing such a thing to the Queen would be inappropriate.

I would also steer the conversation away from the subject of the billion-dollar Singapore Sports Hub and its five-cent pitch, which should be easy to do unless Her Majesty happens to be a Jay Chou fan.

I would talk instead about how Singapore was just named the second best country in the world for expatriates by HSBC and the top country to visit in 2015 by Lonely Planet.

But I wouldn’t point out that the other countries in Lonely Planet’s top 10 – Namibia, Lithuania, Nicaragua, Ireland, Republic of Congo, Serbia, the Philippines, Saint Lucia and Morocco – aren’t exactly on my bucket list as places I want to visit before I die of Ebola.

What a great achievement for Singapore to beat second-place Namibia, a country on the same continent as where the Ebola outbreak started. We should definitely bat ourselves... I mean, pat ourselves on the back for that.

Oops, I’m sorry, Your Majesty. I didn’t mean to ruin your appetite. I’m sure you don’t serve bushmeat here at Buckingham Palace.

Uh...

Perhaps it’s a good thing I was not invited to the royal banquet after all.

Ivan Heng would definitely make a better guest. He could complain to the Queen about Channel 5’s New Year’s Eve show.

- Published in The New Paper, 26 October 2014

Ravi, Roy, Hui Hui & gang: Protesters plead not guilty to public nuisance charges

So the Hello Kitty Run happened this morning on Sentosa.

My wife and I took a taxi, but there was a jam near VivoCity. We would've been better off taking the train.

According to the announcer, there were 17,000 people.

Even though the flag-off was supposed to be at 8am, the runners were released only in waves, apparently for safety reasons due to the huge crowd.

I have participated in big runs and this has never happened before. It could be because the route on Sentosa is narrow and many people were stopping to take photos.

Anyway, what this means is we didn't cross the start line until after 8:15.

Actually, it wasn't much of a run. It was more of a walk-a-jog.

And it wasn't 5km as advertised, but around 4km to the finish line.

Fortunately for us, it started to rain kitties and dogs only after we finished the run - I mean walk-a-jog.

This was about as close as I got to the "beach party" because of the rain.

Many stayed under the shelter.

We walked in the rain to the Beach Station to take the Sentosa Express train back to VivoCity at around 9.30.

By that time, the run was put on hold due to the weather "until further notice".

We were lucky that at the beginning of the run, we had made our way to as close to the start line as possible. Because of the rain, I think many behind us didn't get to run (or walk-a-jog) at all.

On the Hello Kitty Run Facebook page, you can find many complaints about poor organisation.

The main one is that there weren't enough finisher medals to go around. Apparently, some people took more than one. There wasn't a system to prevent this, based on what I saw.

My wife and I got ours.

I can understand why many are unhappy with the event. I paid $65 for it. Others as much as $75. That's a lot of money for a 5km run (actually a 4km walk-a-jog).

You got the T-shirt and a plush toy in the race pack, and you were promised a finisher medal. So you want that finisher medal - even if you didn't get to finish the run because of the rain.

And that's why someone went to the trouble to make this.

It's a good thing I only like Hello Kitty ironically.

I made a serious mistake. I signed off saying Singapore 11x & said China once. This is not acceptable. I apologize to those I have offended.
— Kevin Skinner (@KevinSkinnerMIA) October 26, 2014

He made a “serious mistake”.

The tennis event was in Singapore, but WTA singles final commentator Kevin Skinner said “China” when he signed off last Sunday.

Makes me so mad! Didn't help the commentating was lame from him. Just let the women talk! #WTA #WTAFinals #WTAFinalsSingapore
— Hossan Leong (@HossanLeong) October 26, 2014

Even Hossan Leong was mad. I can imagine his spindly Leong arms waving around in anger.

Skinner apologised on Twitter the following day for putting that image in my head.

That was just one apology in a month full of apologies. October was a sorry month.

Halloween is over, but for a few companies, nothing was scarier than a disgruntled customer with a Facebook account.

On Oct 12, a woman posted on the Pizza Hut page a photo of a Pizza Hut receipt with the words “Pink fat lady” scrawled on it, complaining: “I don’t think it is nice for your staff to describe me as such on my receipt.”

This rocked the restaurant chain in its seat.

How do I know? Because Pizza Hut replied to the woman’s post: “This definitely rocked us in our seats” and apologised profusely.

But the woman didn’t help her case by adding another comment: “Just feel insulted. What’s wrong with being plus-size?”

Wait, did anyone say there was anything wrong with being plus-size?

I understand that calling someone “fat” is rude, but if the woman claims there’s nothing wrong with being plus-size, then why should she feel insulted?

Would she feel less insulted if the receipt had said, “Pink plus-size lady”?

Quick to recognise a promotional opportunity that aligned with its “real beauty” branding, toiletries company Dove created a graphic a few days later with the words, “I’m the pink fat lady and loving my curves.”

Of course, I immediately used it as my Facebook profile photo.

As Dove said: “Don’t be disheartened if they can’t appreciate your beauty. Flaunt those curves and stand proud!”

I’m flaunting them, baby, I’m flaunting them!

As my new favourite singer Meghan Trainor sings: “My mama she told me don't worry about your size. She says, ‘Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.’”

Also in October, Madame Tussauds wax figure Gurmit Singh shared on Facebook a link to a blog post by his daughter Gabrielle complaining about misogynistic rap songs being played at Forever 21.

The post went viral and Forever 21 apologised, throwing under the bus a staff member who “had played his own personal list, which was not part of the company recommendations”.

He should’ve played some Meghan Trainor instead.

In case you’re keeping score, that’s Complain Queens 2 Corporations 0.

Making it 3-0 was Ms Gia Munaji Salamat, who posted a Facebook video of herself in extreme close-up complaining about a Koi Cafe staff member who used obscenities to tell her to go away.

The video went viral and Koi Cafe apologised last week, throwing the staff member under the bus by terminating her “with immediate effect”.

Even Arnold Schwarzenegger, the original Terminator, is shaking his head and saying, “That’s cold, Koi, no matter how many per cent sugar you put in it.”

Hoping to make the score 4-0 was student Yap Huixin who posted a complaint on the Starbucks Facebook page last Sunday.

Although she conceded that “it was our fault for hogging the seats”, the student griped that their stuff was cleared when she and her friend left the coffee shop for about 30 minutes and the manager “lectured” them.

She said she felt “disrespected and humiliated as a customer”.

It’s unclear whether they tried to be funny and ordered an Ariana Grande at Starbucks. I know I would have. I also get my suits made by Tailor Swift.

Due to the generally anti-establishment nature of the vocal Internet masses, you would expect people to support the student against the big bad corporation.

But then you would be underestimating how much people – both the management and other customers – hate these students hogging the seats.

So in a surprising turn of events, it was the student who apologised and Starbucks didn’t throw any staff member under the bus, although the company acknowledged that the manager could have “communicated a tad bit better”.

So the corporations managed to avoid a shut-out. Final score: Complain Queens 3 Corporations 1.

What an exciting finish, thanks to an own goal.

It’s now a new month. Let me kick it off with a couple of apologies of my own.

I once took the southbound MRT train from Yew Tee to Jurong East and sat next to a sleeping woman. At Jurong East, she was still sleeping.

For those of you who don’t know, Jurong East is the end of the line where the train changes direction and heads back north.

I wanted to wake the woman up but hesitated. She wasn’t holding a sign asking to be woken up at any specific station (like one sleeping Sengkang girl I can mention).

She would be so alarmed to be roused by a strange man and I look stranger than most.

So I just left the woman sleeping on the train heading back the way she came. She was going to be so confused by the time she woke up with the train going in the wrong direction.

To that woman, I apologise.

I also want to apologise to our President.

Apparently, someone wrote to the British High Commissioner in Singapore to complain about a British newspaper headline that made fun of the height difference between President Tony Tan Keng Yam and Prince William in a photo taken during the president’s UK visit last month.

The paper, The Sun, called him “Prime Miniature”, which was “really disrespectful”.

I, too, posted the same picture on my Facebook page with the comment: “At times like this, you almost kinda wish Goh Chok Tong was our President.”

You know, because Mr Goh is so damn tall.

I’m sorry for that comment.

The Sun also apologised for what it called its “deliberately funny and joking headline”.

It then urged “any Singaporeans offended by the headline to consider whether their ire should instead be directed at their government who prevent proper freedom of expression by controlling the media”.

How mad would Hossan Leong be?

Well, at least The Sun didn’t call our President “fat”.

- Published in The New Paper, 2 November 2014

After the disappointment of the wet and mild Hello Kitty Run on Saturday, I collected the race pack for The Urgent Run yesterday.

It's called The Urgent Run because it's organised by the World Toilet Organization. "Urgent", toilet, get it? It's a very Singaporean joke for a supposedly international event.

I copied and pasted this from the website:

The Urgent Run Singapore is a 5km fun run event in the picturesque East Coast Park, one Singapore’s most famous and popular parks.

Organized by the World Toilet Organization, this flagship run will kick off in Singapore on November 9, the first of a series of events taking place in the lead up to UN World Toilet Day 2014. The Urgent Run is a fun event; most importantly, it’s accessible and inclusive.

Individuals of all ages are invited to join. Lucky draw on the day with great prizes including an iPhone 6, plus many other great prizes!

Free MILO will available at the event thanks to the MILO van.

Proceeds from the run will be used to support WTO's awareness, advocacy and sanitation work.

The Run is endorsed by UN-Water and the Singapore Ministry of the Environment and Water Resources.

Health, dignity and well-being for all through sustainable sanitation: help us to make this a reality by joining The Urgent Run Singapore.

The guest of honour will be Minister Lim Swee Say.

I'm told there will be about 300 runners.

I normally don't take part in such short runs unless it's the Hello Kitty Run, but once I saw the event T-shirt, I just had to have it.

This is what it looks like on the front.

And this is what it looks like on the back.

Yes. "I AM RUNNING BECAUSE I GIVE A SHIT."

This is possibly the greatest running event T-shirt ever.

The only misstep is the logo of sponsor Milo. Somehow, I don't think it's a good idea to have Milo so close to the word "shit". Milo and shit are already the same colour.

Though I'm sure that won't stop people from drinking the free Milo from the Milo van on Sunday.

The T-shirt alone is worth the $40 registration fee, but the race pack also includes a small flash drive, tissues, two bottles of Newater and of course, a toilet seat sanitiser.

I think it's still not too late to sign up.

EARLIER: If you love Singapore, celebrate World Toilet Day

In my ironic excitement over the Hello Kitty Run, I neglected to announce my ironic participtation in Movember.

Here are the rules:

So I shaved my upper lip hair after the Hello Kitty Run on Nov 1.

This was what my shaved upper lip looked like on Sunday night. (I cheated a little by sparing my lower lip and chin whiskers.)

But I won't shave for the next 29 days.

Last Movember, I did this.

I realise I might have confused No-Shave November with Movember. They are actually two separate events that happen to happen in the same month.

For one thing, Movember has a Singapore strand. No-Shave November doesn't.

Movember is for men's health. No-Shave November is for the American Cancer Society.

Women can join No-Shave November by not shaving their legs, armpits and, uh... elsewhere.

Movember is all about the moustache, which women can't grow. (At least, most women.)

It seems I'm all about causes this month. I'm also joining The Urgent Run this Sunday for World Toilet Day.

Donate here for Movember.

Because I'm all about the cause, about the cause, no stubble.

EARLIER: What I did for Movember

I may have underestimated Mr Desmond Kuek.

He’s the former army general who replaced lapsed blogger Saw Phaik Hwa as CEO of SMRT in 2012.

Yes, you can still rely on the train to be delayed about a couple of times a month and it still takes so long to ride the train from the Yew Tee station to the Kranji station (and vice versa) that you feel you deserve a Hello Kitty Run medal at the end of it.

But last week, the official feedback channel of SMRT did something incredible.

It posted on Facebook the IC number, birthdate, addresses, phone numbers and some seductive topless photos of Mr Jover Chew Chiew Loon, Singapore’s most hated man since Mr Anton Casey.

What kind of name is Jover anyway? Is he a joker or a lover? Judging by those photos, I guess he’s both.

Mr Chew is, of course, the boss of Sim Lim Square mobile phone shop Mobile Air who... why are you interrupting me?!

What do you mean it’s not really SMRT?

Look at the Facebook page. It says right there, “SMRT Ltd (Feedback)”.

It’s a satirical page? You mean like The Onion or New Nation?

Then why is it called SMRT Ltd (Feedback)? That’s so confusing.

Oh, it’s to trick people into complaining about SMRT on its Twitter page and troll them.

I don’t get it. Why does the real SMRT allow this to happen?

Possibly the same reason the authorities let Sim Lim Square shops like Mr Chew’s carry on despite being blacklisted by the Consumers Association of Singapore.

So I may not have underestimated the SMRT CEO after all.

But I may have underestimated how the Internet would respond to the report about the Vietnamese tourist being reduced to tears by Mobile Air.

Call it Air Wars: The Facebook Awakens.

It’s a trilogy. The saga started last month with Episode 1: The Phantom Warranty where a Malaysian diver overpaid for two iPhones in another shop in Sim Lim Square.

Then came Episode 2: Attack Of The Coins, where Mr Chew refunded $1,010 to an unhappy customer in coins.

In Episode 3: Revenge Of The SMRT Ltd (Feedback) Fans, netizens avenged the mistreatment of Mr Pham Van Thoai, the Vietnamese tourist, not with light sabres but with.... pizzas?

After SMRT Ltd (Feedback), which is confusingly not run by SMRT, posted Mr Chew’s personal information on Facebook with the instruction “Send some love to Jover Chew here”, Lianhe Wanbao reported that pizzas were delivered to his flat.

But no one opened the door to accept the food from the Pizza Hut delivery man.

I believe this is the first time in history that the outcome of a pizza delivery was front page news.

Later, Mr Chew apparently forwarded his calls to a New Paper colleague, who received 201 calls in five hours asking for Mr Chew, a number of those calls from Pizza Hut.

Which raises the question, since when did Pizza Hut become the go-to pizza delivery company for pranks?

Why not Domino’s? Or Canadian Pizza?

I used to wonder if Canadian Pizza pizzas are actually made in Canada. I also wondered whether I actually want my pizzas to be made in Canada. Is Canada famous for its pizzas?

Now I realise it could just be satirical pizza.

But netizens didn’t just stop at pizzas and pranks. More than $15,000 was raised on crowdfunding site Indiegogo for Mr Pham, but he said he would accept only the $550 he lost to Mobile Air and refused a donated iPhone.

“I don’t want to take more than what I lost. I don’t deserve it,” he said.

Indeed. Although raising money for the Sim Lim victim is a generous gesture, I think we should stop treating Mr Pham like a charity case.

Wasn’t the man humiliated enough by the video of him crying, kneeling and begging for his money back in the phone shop?

He is reportedly a factory worker making $200 a month, but he can afford to come to Singapore for a holiday. I haven’t been on a holiday for six years.

And it all started because he wanted to buy an iPhone 6 for his girlfriend. I mean, I love my wife and all that, but do you see me buying an iPhone 6 for her?

A second-hand iPhone 5C is good enough for the mother of my children.

Still, it’s refreshing to see Singaporeans uncharacteristically taking the side of a foreigner for once – against a fellow Singaporean no less.

But it’s okay because the foreigner is a tourist and not a former China tour guide, and the fellow Singaporean is an Ah Beng and not Phua Chu Kang.

So who says we’re xenophobic?

We’re more ximlimphobic.

With new complaints emerging about Sim Lim Square shops practically every day, the mall should have a disclaimer like the one on the SMRT Ltd (Feedback) Facebook page, which says, “Believing in us is like believing that Kong Hee is Jesus.”

Hey, that disclaimer could work for the real SMRT too.

What do you think, Mr Kuek?

- Published in The New Paper, 9 November 2014

So The Urgent Run happened yesterday morning at East Coast Park.

I shook hands with Minister Lim Swee Say, who was the guest of honour. I also took a selfie with him taking a picture of the giant toilet bowl.

The minister then took a picture of me and Mr Toilet himself, Jack Sim (third from left), with other people in front of the giant toilet bowl. (I also shook hands with Mr Sim but made the mistake of calling him "Mr Teo" for some reason.)

I got this and the next picture from the minister's Facebook.

The ground was wet from the early morning rain.

Here is Sim and Lim flagging off The Urgent Run.

It was supposed to be a 5km run, but like the Hello Kitty Run, it was only about 4km.

The finisher medal is shaped like a toilet roll. But of course.

As promised, free Milo from the Milo van

A selfie with the Milo van man.

And since The Urgent Run is organised by the World Toilet Organisation, plenty of toilets.

Channel NewsAsia covered the event and I can be seen in the video.

I think the event was planned for many more people, but the bib numbers didn't go beyond the 300s. The organisers could've done a better job publicising the run to get more participants. (Learn from the Hello Kitty Run.) It didn't help that the Great Eastern Women's Run was on the same morning.

So not that many people gave a shit.

But I did.

EARLIER: Wearing a vulgar T-shirt for a good cause

Not sure who's the bigger ass. (Not "whose is the bigger ass". No fight.)

Consider the Internet broken.

Please donate to Movember to promote men's health. I don't look very healthy.

Not related to Jover Chew.

I’m am a bit of a frustrated songwriter.

MediaCorp recently organised a songwriting competition, The Gift Of Song, to celebrate Singapore’s 50th birthday next year.

The three finalists were announced on Thursday.

I’m not one of them.

That’s why I’m a bit of a frustrated songwriter.

MediaCorp said it was looking for “a song that celebrates who we really are as a people – our distinct personality that is immediately recognisable to any Singaporean”.

It wasn’t until last week that I found a suitable subject for such a song – the National Workplace Happiness Survey results.

According to the findings released on Tuesday by the Singapore Human Resources Institute and consulting firm Align Group, workers in Singapore scored an average of 59 out of 100 in the workplace happiness index.

Under the survey’s banding system, a score between 0 and 50 is considered “Unhappy”, between 51 and 67 is “Under Happy”. Score between 68 and 100 and that's considered “Happy”.

This means Singapore workers are “Under Happy”, which led to #UnderHappy being the top trending hashtag on Twitter the next day.

This inspired me to write a song called Under Happy, which I think is perfect for SG50.

But it’s too late for me to submit my wonderful composition to the MediaCorp songwriting competition. So I’m sharing my lyrics to the song with you, dear reader, sung to the tune of Pharrell Williams’ Happy:

It might seem crazy what the survey says
Results are here, you can't run away
It’s the National Workplace Happiness Survey
Happy now? Or unhappy? This is what it says

I'm under happy
Clap along if you feel like a customer at Mobile Air
I'm under happy
Clap along if you were ever cheated at Sim Lim Square
I'm under happy
Clap along if all you want is a brand new iPhone 6
I'm under happy
Clap along if all you get are salesmen and their tricks

Here comes this new term, never heard before?
What's “under happy”? Let me tell you more
Some HR people just made it real
To describe the way many workers feel
What’s that?

Under happy
Clap along if you just made a movie that can't be seen
I'm under happy
Clap along if you make films and your name is Tan Pin Pin
I'm under happy
Clap along if you heard they said no to your appeal
I'm under happy
Clap along if you feel that censorship makes you ill

Cheer me up, can't nothing
Cheer me up
Your love's not enough
To cheer me up, can't nothing
Cheer me up, I said (let me tell you now)
Cheer me up, can't nothing,
Cheer me up
Your love's not enough
To cheer me up
Can't nothing, cheer me up
I said

I'm under happy
Clap along if you saw Interstellar and you're confused
I'm under happy
Clap along if you don't understand the ending too
I'm under happy
Clap along if you're not sure how McConaughey-hey survived
I'm under happy
Clap along if you've just wasted three hours of your life

I'm under happy
Clap along if you feel like a blogger who has just been sued
I'm under happy
Clap along if you're afraid they'll throw the book at you
I'm under happy
Clap along if you have no money to pay anything
I'm under happy
Clap along if you can raise cash by crowdfunding

Cheer me up, can't nothing
Cheer me up
Your love's not enough
To cheer me up, can't nothing
Cheer me up, I said

I'm under happy
Clap along if you're not happy or unhappy
I'm under happy
Clap along if you don't strongly agree or disagree
I'm under happy
Clap along if you think these surveys are a waste of time, hey hey hey
I'm under happy
Clap along if you still fall for them every time

- Published in The Straits Times, 16 November 2014

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Joseph Schooling, Roy and Hui Hui: Maybe we need a Manual Of Obedience

Cartoonist Heng Kim Song in New York Times: Not so heng, but racist?

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To Singapore with history: Now imagine Lim Kay Tong as Lee Kuan Yew

Singapore goes viral - again - thanks to Agatha Tan &'Pink Fat Lady'

Is Taufik Batisah truly Singapore's idol?

Open letter to Gurmit Singh about his open letter-writing daughter Gabrielle

On Her Majesty's guest list: How come Ivan Heng got invited & not me?

The 90s called, they want their suits back

Hello, rain: Downpour dampens Hello Kitty Run

They're sorry, I'm sorry, everybody's sorry – except Starbucks

Wearing a vulgar T-shirt for a good cause

Remember, remember, the facial hair of Movember

Sim Lim saga: From Phantom Warranty to Attack Of The Coins to Revenge Of The...

Urgent Run recap: Lim Swee Say The Giant Toilet Bowl Shooter

Kim's ass & me: Sorry, cannot unsee

The pursuit of Under Happiness – Pharrell-style