S M Ong

If you read The New Paper On Sunday, which my column is in, you may notice that the paper has been redesigned again.

Since I joined The New Paper in 2008, the paper has underwent four redesigns - two for the weekday editions, two for the Sunday edition. Each redesign means all the reporters (and columnists) get new byline photos.

So each redesign brings new hope that I would finally get a non-embarrassing byline photo. Each redesign crushes that hope like you would a cockroach. First world problem.

From 4 May 2008 to 13 July 2008

If not for the smile, I'm okay with this photo since my hair looked neat for once. But this was used for only a couple of months before it was ditched because of a redesign.

From 17 August 2008 to 28 August 2011

I call it the poodle hair photo. Still the stupid smile. Dig the suspenders though.

A few readers who wrote in to complain about the column used my hair against me.

I had to live with this byline photo for three years.

From 11 September 2011 to 9 November 2014

My longest running byline photo. No more smile. Maybe because I had a woman's haircut. One reader called me "Samantha".

I had to live with this byline photo for three years too - plus a couple of months.

From 16 November 2014 to ?

For the latest redesign, the Sunday paper is going with the full-length shot for the byline photo. That made me self-conscious of my posture because I tend to hunch over. That's why I'm pulling shoulders back so awkwardly. Which resulted in me pushing my stomach forward, making me look fat.

I guess I have to live with this for next three years until the next redesign.

Excuse my language. But it’s for a good cause.

I just got possibly the greatest running event T-shirt ever.

Why? Because it has these words on the back:

“I am running because I give a shit.”

The shirt is the official participant tee for The Urgent Run held at East Coast Park two Sundays ago.

Why is it called The Urgent Run?

Because it’s organised by the World Toilet Organisation. Get it?

One of the many quirks of Singaporeans is that when we want to excuse ourselves to go to the toilet, we like to tell people: “I’m very urgent.”

To a non-Singaporean, this must be a puzzling Singlish phrase, although it shouldn’t be too difficult to figure out that “urgent” indicates an “emergency”, as in “I have an emergency. If I don’t go to the toilet immediately, I’m going to relieve myself here right in front of you and nobody wants that.”

As you can see, it’s quicker just to say: “I’m very urgent.”

We Singaporeans are nothing if not efficient in the use of the language. So what if we’re a little ungrammatical?

Other Urgent Runs were also held around the world to mark World Toilet Day on Wednesday. I wonder if anyone in Zanzibar or Manila appreciates the subtle Singaporean humour in calling the event The Urgent Run.

Then again, “urgent” can also mean the urgent need to provide better sanitation for 2.5 billion people who lack access to the basic amenities that Singaporeans take for granted.

Having written about World Toilet Day in this column a year ago, I’m disappointed it hasn’t caught on like selfie sticks and Kim Kardashian’s naked buttocks.

None of the local papers covered World Toilet Day last week, despite Nov 19 being recognised as World Toilet Day by the United Nations (UN) thanks to a resolution tabled by Singapore last year – our first UN resolution!

You know which Singaporean quasi-journalist has written the most about World Toilet Day?

That’s right – I am.

I have become the de facto World Toilet Day correspondent.

This column is likely the first time you’ve read about The Urgent Run even though the event in Singapore took place two weeks ago. No newspaper reported it even though Minister in the Prime Minister’s Office Lim Swee Say was there to flag off the run.

I got to shake his hand and take a picture with him. He looked young for a 60-year-old.

He even wore the “I am running because I give a shit” shirt – although I’m not sure if he actually ran that morning. In his defence, even if he didn’t run, it doesn’t mean he didn’t give a shit. It’s just a shirt.

The Urgent Run was advertised as 5km, but according to the running app on my phone, the route was only about 4km long.

I guess The Urgent Run was so urgent that it was shortened so that you can get to the toilet sooner.

There were plenty of porta-potties at the finish line in case you get the runs during the run.

And since we were at East Coast Park, there was also the ocean.

By the way, the rock band Foreigner just called. They want their song title back.

The Hello Kitty Run the week before was also advertised as 5km but turned to be only about 4km.

But unlike the Hello Kitty Run, which had 17,000 participants, The Urgent Run had fewer than 400.

That means 42 times more runners cared about the cat with no mouth than about people with no toilets.

Possibly because those people are so far away, and Hello Kitty is, well, on my bedsheet.

Ironically, in Singapore recently, there seems to be an increasing number of reports of people defecating in public or letting their kids do so. That’s what World Toilet Day is supposed to prevent!

If only more Singaporeans had supported World Toilet Day...

Perhaps next year.

Still, I like this idea of running for a cause – but maybe one that hits even closer to home.

Last week, the Public Transport Council announced that it has started its annual fare review exercise, signalling an imminent fare hike, which nobody wants except transport companies and their stockholders.

Also last week, a video showing a four-man relay team running from Little India MRT station to the Farrer Park station to catch a train went viral.

That gave me an idea.

To promote awareness of how much we don’t want another fare hike, we can have a run with relay teams racing against the trains along every MRT line – North South, East West, North East, Circle and Downtown.

That’s only about 162km.

I think we can skip the LRT for the run.

We can call it The Unfare Run.

So instead of running for access to better sanitation in faraway lands, we would be running for access to affordable public transport in our own country.

I already have an idea for possibly the second greatest running event T-shirt ever. On the back, it would say:

“I am running because I can’t afford public transport.”

I didn’t want to use any bad word like on The Urgent Run shirt. So on the front, The Unfare Run shirt would simply say:

“Tuck Yew!”

Would you run if I give a shirt?

- Published in The New Paper, 23 November 2014

EARLIER:

Urgent Run recap: Lim Swee Say The Giant Toilet Bowl Shooter

If you love Singapore, celebrate World Toilet Day

Charis Mah, the person who started the online petition to "Keep Julien Blanc and Real Social Dynamics (RSD / RSDnation) out of Singapore", posted this update yesterday:

Response from MHA - Success!

Hi all, firstly thank you again to all who have shown your support, and apologies to those who wanted to sign but could not, because I only just realized I set the petition end date for Nov 20! (I have just opened it till the end of the year for the sake of those who want to continue to show their support.)

Secondly: I emailed the Ministry again on 19 Nov after the count surpassed 7,500, and this morning I received the following response from the Ministry of Home Affairs which was CCed to the Ministry of Social and Family Development (MSF) and the Immigration and Checkpoints Authority (ICA):

Dear Ms Mah,

We refer to your email dated 19 November 2014.

2. Blanc has been involved in seminars in various countries that advised men to use highly abusive techniques when dating women. Violence against women or any persons is against Singapore law. The Immigration & Checkpoints Authority, in consultation with the Ministry of Social and Family Development, will not allow Mr Blanc into Singapore, especially if he is here to hold seminars or events that propagate violence against women or to participate in other objectionable activities in Singapore.

3. Thank you.

Joyce Tan
Community Partnership & Communications Group
Ministry of Home Affairs

We took a stand and we did it! Thank you everybody!

Last month, I wrote a blog post wondering why people are still starting online petitions when they never seem to achieve their stated objectives.

I brought up these examples:

Petition to remove Tin Pei Ling as a MP: 19,990 signatures
Close down STOMP.com.sg: 23,900 signatures
Return Our CPF: 3,374 signatures

It's unlikely the Revoke Han Hui Hui's Singapore Citizenship! petition (6,317 signatures) will be successful too.

So how did the Julien Blanc petition succeed when the others failed?

Well, in the first place, the petition doesn't really require anyone to do anything. I mean, it's not like the Government has to cancel Blanc's visa like Australia did.

In the second place, since other countries have also banned the guy, it's not like Singapore is going out on a limb here.

Third, is it really the petition that persuaded the Government to not allow Blanc into Singapore?

With 8,512 signatures, the petition is actually short of its 10,000 target.

Based on Ms Mah's update and the Ministry of Home Affairs reply (which doesn't mention the petition at all), it seems to me that it was Ms Mah's email - not the petition - that persuaded the Government.

Was the petition a factor? Probably.

Would the email have worked without the petition? Possibly.

My point is, this is not evidence that online petitions work, although I'm sure there are people who will take it that it is.

Or perhaps Han Hui Hui should start packing after all. Especially after the latest plagiarism allegations.

EARLIER: Online petitions: Bad news, good news for Han Hui Hui

My Sitex walkthrough yesterday.

It was pretty much the same old, same old.

I left empty-handed and I went to the Robinsons Expo next door.

I was so impressed by the latest technology in knife-holders, I bought this.

I also ate a bowl of $6 prawn mee outside Singapore Expo.

It was a good day.

So after 20 years, Gurmit Singh is finally leaving MediaCorp – sort of.

Today reported:

A statement issued by his management said that for next year, Gurmit will take on artiste engagements on “a more selective basis, with MediaCorp’s Artiste Management unit serving as his exclusive agent for commercial engagements”.

Gurmit and I joined then Singapore Broadcasting Corporation about the same time to work on a new live variety show, Live On 5, which he hosted, saying the lines I wrote for him. It was his TV debut (as well as mine, but that's another story).

At the time, his hair was long and mine was very short. Now the reverse is true.

The first time I saw him was on the Live On 5 pilot, which was never aired. His hair was so long he wore a bandanna to hide it. I thought he was a mat rocker.

He was eventually hired as the host on the condition that he cut his hair, which he did.

Another condition was that he changed his name. At that time, "Gurmit" was a very strange name to most Singaporeans. There was concern that people would call him "Kermit" (as in Kermit the Frog) by mistake – or on purpose to make fun of him. (That actually happened later.)

But Gurmit refused to change his name, I think, out of respect for his parents who gave him his name.

SBC hired him anyway, paying him a few hundred dollars per show.

He was then taking a part-time computer course. I remember it was a major decision for him to drop the course and focus on showbiz full-time.

Live On 5 lasted less than a year. I worked on the show and for SBC for only about six months.

But Live On 5 made Gurmit a star.

So he was given a show with his name in the title, Gurmit's World, which was a sketch show, creating a platform for him to show off his ability to play different characters, much like Michelle Chong on The Noose years later (which Gurmit was also on during the first season).

Looking back, I'm not sure whether Gurmit's World can be classified as a success. On the one hand, the show had two seasons and introduced the world to Phua Chu Kang. I remember kids were already quoting the famous line, "Use your blain, use your blain!"

On the other hand, after Gurmit's World ended, Gurmit replaced Moe Alkaff as host of Gotcha.

I remember talking to Gurmit during this period and he told me how humiliated he felt to be hosting the Candid Camera rip-off. It was a demotion to him.

He then starred in the sitcom Can I Help You? (a rip-off of the British sitcom Are You Being Served?), which let's just say was no Under One Roof.

Then came Phua Chu Kang Pte Ltd the sitcom in 1997. I suppose the first season did well enough for a second season to be commissioned.

That was when I came in as a scriptwriter. I had previously written for the Twilight Zone rip-off, Shiver, after rejoining then Television Corporation of Singapore in 1997.

The weird thing then was that PCK the show was like an unwanted stepchild. Practically everyone who worked on the first season had left except for two writers who would soon leave too.

So it was just me and another girl who had never written PCK before.

Then the second season of the yuppie sitcom Three Rooms was cancelled before it even went into production. So all the Three Rooms writers joined PCK.

I hated Three Rooms and the show's writers. I remember how they used to look down on PCK and the people working on the show, including me. And now they're part of us.

Most viewers were unlikely to notice, but the first season of Phua Chu Kang was very different from the rest of the series as none of the creative team behind the first season remained.

Besides Chu Beng being played by a different actor, Margaret was a more sympathetic and grounded character in the first season. From season 2 onwards, Margaret became the show's campy villain.

More importantly, the first season was actually quite restrained in the use of Singlish. In the second season, the new group of writers just went nuts, which eventually led to then Prime Minister Goh Chok Tong sending PCK for English class.

At the time, we were worried that the Singlish controversy would kill the show, but ironically, I believe it was the controversy that cemented PCK's iconic status and rejuvenated Gurmit's career, setting him up for life.

Gurmit may never play Phua Chu Kang on TV (or in a movie) again, but he can still make decent coin playing the fictional contractor for your next company dinner and dance or other "commercial engagements".

So don't fret for the man. He may have sold his Lamborghini, but he's a long way from living on the streets.

A photo posted by Gurmit (@gurmitgurmit) on Feb 2, 2013 at 6:09pm PST

Excuse my language. But it’s for a good cause.

No, that’s not a mistake. You’re not reading last week’s column again even though it started with the same lines.

I’m just plagiarising myself, which I think it’s okay. It’s not like I’m plagiarising Hong Kong activist Joshua Wong.

This time, I’m asking you to excuse my language because I’m going to use the word “penis” a few times in this column.

And I’m not talking about the “ship name” for Peeta and Katniss from The Hunger Games.

Ready? Here goes.

Last week, newspaper readers in Singapore had penises coming out of our ears.

On Tuesday, there was a picture of a penis in The New Paper. On Wednesday, there was another penis picture in The Straits Times. There were penises everywhere!

This is notable because newspapers usually make it a point to avoid publishing pictures of penises. Newspapers don’t even like publishing the word “penis”.

So far this year, TNP has used the word only seven times. Since The Straits Times is a broadsheet and twice the size of TNP, The Straits Times has used the word twice as often — 14 times.

TNP should beat that number after my column today.

Not that it’s a competition.

In comparison, TNP has used the word “boobs” 55 times this year, handily beating The Straits Times’s 26 times.

Not that it’s a competition.

But it’s safe to say readers are much more used to seeing pictures of women’s cleavages than men’s penises in the newspaper.

So what news story could’ve prompted this sudden surge of penis appearances in our papers?

Was it the recent survey of 300 Singapore residents above the age of 25 that found that one third of them had sex less than once a month?

Dr Colin Teo, who heads Khoo Teck Puat Hospital’s Department of Urology, told The Straits Times that this is less than the once a week or once a fortnight frequency that most think is ideal.

“It could be due to stress, logistical issues like staying in a small home with kids and in-laws, or sexual dysfunction,” said Dr Teo.

Stress? Logistical issues? Sure.

But sexual dysfunction?

Isn’t it less embarrassing to simply admit that you’re having sex less than once a month simply because no one wants to sex with you?

But I guess having no sex is better than becoming like controversial “pick-up artist” Julien Blanc who has been banned from entering Singapore.

Or Bill Cosby.

Who has yet to be banned from entering Singapore. Someone should get an online petition going.

Speaking of sexual dysfunction, could the penis pictures have been used to illustrate erectile dysfunction since the guidelines on its treatment was recently announced by the Society of Men’s Health Singapore?

Or were the pictures related to news reports of men falling ill and even dying from taking illegal sex drugs to improve performance?

I bet you never realised there was so much penis-related news lately.

Fortunately, the reason for the penis pictures wasn’t as sordid as all that. They were actually used to explain prostate cancer.

As the prostate is a gland in the male reproductive system, to show what prostate cancer is, you have to show the penis, since it’s the most recognisable part of the male reproductive system.

Hence, the penis pictures in the newspapers.

But why the need to explain prostate cancer in the first place?

Because last week, Emeritus Senior Minister and former prime minister Goh Chok Tong posted on Facebook that he was “back home after a successful and uneventful major operation” for prostate cancer.

Coincidentally, Mr Goh had his operation in November, the same month as Movember, the international fundraising campaign to promote men’s health, including fighting prostate cancer.

Movember is also the reason I haven’t shaved in the last 30 days. Since it will be December tomorrow, today is the last day you can donate by going to mobro.co/smong.

See? I told you it’s for a good cause.

I’m all about the cause, about the cause — no stubble.

In another Facebook post, Mr Goh said that after the operation, his only discomfort was that he had not “broken wind” yet.

That was quite an explosive revelation.

I wish someone can explain to me how prostate cancer surgery can cause him not to “break wind”. If necessary, use a picture of a penis and an asshole.

It’s for a good cause.

- Published in The New Paper, 30 November 2014

It's December and Movember is finally over.

I went from Severus Snape...

... to Lucius Black.

Thank wizards, Movember is only a month long.

If it were a year long, I could look like Hagrid.

If it were a decade long, I could look like Dumbledore.

And to think I once looked like Hairless Potter

Like peas in a pod.

Sometimes two things happen around the same time and are so similar that you can get them mixed up.

For example, last week was the one-year death anniversary of two famous people, Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker. Mandela died on Dec 5 and Walker on Nov 30.

Mandela was portrayed by different actors like Idris Elba, Morgan Freeman and Terrence Howard in a number of movies.

Walker was an actor in a number of movies.

You see how easy it is to confuse the two?

Last month, Fandi Ahmad, a symbol of Singapore’s past football glory, was reported to have said in an interview that he wants to retire in Batam.

Soon after, Singapore lost 3-1 to Malaysia and was out of the Suzuki Cup after winning it the last time.

I have trouble telling the two events — Fandi’s interview and Singapore’s Suzuki Cup defeat — apart because they both resemble nails.

As in nails in the coffin holding the corpse that is Singapore football.

Hey, we may have finally found a use for the problematic field in the Sports Hub — burying that coffin.

To answer the mocking Malaysian video asking where the Singapore goalkeeper was during the Suzuki Cup match, he probably went to Batam to retire with Fandi.

Last week, two different Singapore women also made headlines for different reasons.

One is A*Star scholar and scientist Eng Kai Er, 30, who set up a mini arts grant to express her “pain of having a paid job that is not aligned with her interests”.

The other is actress and former Miss World Singapore finalist Angeline Yap, 27, who appears topless in the trailer for the R21-rated local movie Lang Tong, premiering this Saturday at the Singapore International Film Festival.

At least, I think it’s her. There are at least three different women in the trailer. The way the trailer was edited, it’s difficult to tell to whom the bare breasts belonged.

I rewatched the trailer online many times to be sure — and it’s the only reason I rewatched the trailer many times. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

So it would seem that Dr Eng and Yap couldn’t be more unlike each other.

Yet, because I read about them around the same time, they sort of blend into one person.

For one thing, both have artistic aspirations.

Besides setting up the arts grant, Dr Eng directed and performed in some theatre thing called Fish at Lasalle College of the Arts’ Creative Cube three months ago.

As for Yap, she told The Straits Times that the nudity in Lang Tong “was used to tell a story and to convey a message more clearly”.

She said: “To me, it’s a form of art.”

Like peas in a pod.

You may argue that it’s easy to tell them apart since only Yap showed her breasts.

Unfortunately, you would be wrong.

In 2009, Dr Eng was in the news after she was caught on camera showing her breasts and much more as she walked around nude in Holland Village at night with a naked Swedish male companion.

For some reason, I suddenly feel like going to Ikea for some meatballs.

According to reports, the unclothed couple were cheered by the crowd. For once, paying for the overpriced food in Holland Village seemed worth it.

But despite entertaining the Village people, Dr Eng and her companion, Mr Jan Philip, then 21, were later arrested.

Court documents said that a 43-year-old man walking his dog had alerted the police. Although I was 43 at the time, I never owned a dog, so it wasn’t me. But I once walked the dog with my yo-yo.

After the arrest, Dr Eng and Mr Philip explained that they went streaking (albeit very slowly) through Holland Village because they wanted to “seek thrill”. Clearly, they hadn’t tried shopping at Sim Lim Square.

Defending her in court five years ago, Dr Eng’s lawyer said that being a scholar at a top medical university, Dr Eng had the opportunity to contribute substantially in the area of anti-viral vaccines.

In the end, Dr Eng and Mr Philip were only fined $2,000 each when they could’ve been also jailed up to three months for public nudity.

Fast forward to present day.

Dr Eng writes on Tumblr to explain why she set up the No Star Arts Grant:

“My PhD project resulted in a thesis that less than five people read, and that not more than these five people actually want to read, about a very obscure virus that no normal people even know the name of, and my findings related to this obscure virus are nowhere near useful (look, I found out that the spike protein of Semliki Forest virus is responsible for the accumulation of autophagosomes in infected cells — what use is this information to you or the world, dear reader?)...”

TL;DR?

In short, what Dr Eng is saying is that her contribution in the area of anti-viral vaccines isn’t very substantial at all.

Now she tells us? After she got out of spending three months in jail?

Well, at least now there’s another way to tell the difference between Dr Eng and Angeline Yap.

One has been in trouble with the law for baring too much.

The other is an R21 actress.

- Published in The New Paper, 7 December 2014

I have never been to a Dim Sum Dollies show.

The closest I’ve come is eating dim sum on a doily, which is really not very close, I know.

The second closest was when I was forced to listen to the Dim Sum Dollies singing “Train is coming, train is coming” on the MRT platform four years ago every time a train was coming.

It was so annoying that someone created a Facebook community page called “Dim Sum Dollies — Love Your Ride (SMRT Campaign) Please SHUT the F*CK UP”.

It wasn’t me.

The page is still there. It has 39 likes.

But despite all that, I’m actually considering going to see the Dim Sum Dollies’ The History Of Singapore Part 2, which opened at the Esplanade Theatre on Thursday and will run until Dec 23.

Why?

Is it because it stars Selena Tan, Pam Oei and Denise Tan as the Dollies with their Chopstick, Hossan Leong, plus six “sizzling Loh Mai Guys”?

Or is it because the show’s music is by Elaine Chan, who with Selena, wrote last year’s official National Day song, One Singapore, which was so viciously ripped apart that no one dared to introduce a new official National Day song this year?

Or is it because since they’re called Dim Sum Dollies, I think there’ll be food?

No.

It’s because of the Media Development Authority (MDA).

Thanks to MDA, the Dollies got some free publicity last week.

The Straits Times reported that MDA gave the show an Advisory 16 (Some Mature Content) rating three days before the show’s opening.

MDA said that the rating is for the show’s “satirical socio-political references, which would be more suited for a mature audience”.

But that doesn’t mean you have to be 16 or older to watch the Dollies make fun of “Ribena kids”, “Talentime scores” and the “Anson Bye-Bye election” in the show, although you probably have to over 36 to get those references.

MDA explained: “The Advisory 16 rating is not age-restrictive and serves to allow consumers to make an informed viewing choice.”

Which means my 15-year-old daughter can watch the Dim Sum Dollies show, not that she would want to since Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t in it.

And that’s her informed viewing choice.

It could’ve been worse for the Dollies.

At least they didn’t get the dreaded Not Allowed for All Ratings (NAR) classification, the fate that befell director Tan Pin Pin’s documentary To Singapore, With Love and director Ken Kwek’s 2012 movie Sex.Violence.FamilyValues.

Singaporeans had to brave a trip to Johor to watch Tan’s doc and Kwek re-edited his movie to get an R21 rating for it to be eventually shown in a Singapore cinema.

So the Dollies got off relatively easy.

Yet MDA was harshly criticised on Facebook by Cultural Medallion-laden theatre wild man, Channel 5 year-end countdown show critic and former Buckingham Palace banquet guest Ivan Heng.

He posted:

“Frankly, it is shockingly inept, cruel and irresponsible of the MDA to have kept the Dim Sum Dollies waiting until three days before their opening to award them a licence... To add insult to injury, the show has been slapped with an ‘Advisory 16 (Some Mature Content) - on account of sociopolitical references in the work’ recommendation.”

This was before MDA clarified that the rating isn’t age-restrictive.

To add more insult to the “shockingly inept, cruel and irresponsible” insult, Heng wrote:

“Please. Let’s just rename the MDA the Media REGULATION Authority?”

Ooh, harsh.

But near the end of his post, Heng wrote these encouraging words for the Dollies:

“I trust this debacle hasn’t dampened your spirits. If anything, take comfort in knowing it will help you sell more tickets.”

He’s right. If not for the “debacle”, I wouldn’t even be aware of the Dim Sum Dollies show.

So it would seem the MDA’s attempt to “regulate” the show has backfired as it has created more publicity and interest in the show. Heck, even I’m writing about those damn Dollies!

The same thing happened to To Singapore, With Love and Sex.Violence.FamilyValues.

This phenomenon is called the Streisand Effect, named after US entertainer Barbra Streisand.

For those of you too young to know who Streisand is, she’s like the Taylor Swift and Angelina Jolie of her time but with a nose bigger than both of theirs combined.

She had numerous No. 1 albums and singles, starred in and directed hit movies, and won Grammys and Oscars in her half-century career.

Now 72, she’s still got it. Her latest album, Partners, debuted at the top of the Billboard chart just three months ago.

In 2003, to protect her privacy, Babs sued to have a photo of her California seaside home removed from a website.

As a result of her unsuccessful attempt to suppress the photo, more people knew about and saw the photo.

And hello, Dollies, the Streisand Effect was born.

You would think that after all this time, MDA would’ve learnt about the Streisand Effect of its actions. Surely, somebody there must know.

How could anyone be so...

Wait a minute.

Is it possible that MDA isn’t as “shockingly inept” as Heng thinks it is?

After all, this is an organisation smart enough not to hire me even though I’ve applied for a job there a couple of times.

Could it be that MDA has been slyly living up to what the D stands for by developing local talent like Tan Pin Pin and Ken Kwek in its own unexpected way? (Wink, wink.)

I mean, even after the MDA rating controversy, Tan is one of the seven film-makers collaborating on the SG50 project, 7 Letters, funded by the Singapore Film Commission, which is part of MDA.

And Kwek received a $20,000 script development grant from MDA for his new M18-rated movie, Unlucky Plaza, which opened the Singapore International Film Festival earlier this month.

So no, Ivan Heng, I don’t think we should rename MDA the “Media REGULATION Authority”.

In fact, Dim Sum Dollies should be grateful to MDA for regulating them.

If not for the MDA advisory, I would’ve never gone to the Sistic website to find out that a ticket to The History Of Singapore Part 2 costs... what?!

$58 each for the cheapest seats?

I think I’ll go watch The Hobbit instead.

It’s rated PG13. I can take my daughter. Cumberbatch plays the dragon.

We could just have some dim sum after the movie.

Maybe even on a doily.

- Published in The New Paper, 14 December 2014

I have never run a marathon.

And as I approach my CPF drawdown age, it’s becoming more unlikely I will ever get to wear a 42.195km finisher T-shirt (unless I buy one on Ebay or Carousell).

So last week, I did the next best thing – I joined The Hobbit marathon.

And I don’t mean a marathon where very short people with pointy ears run in bare feet.

I mean an endurance test to watch director Peter Jackson’s entire The Hobbit movie trilogy in one evening to mark the release of the final movie of the series.

I know what you’re thinking - that sounds even tortuous than an actual marathon. Yes, but you don’t get popcorn at an actual marathon.

But you’re right. I remember watching the first Hobbit movie in the cinema two years ago. It was so long and gruelling that it could be a marathon by itself.

And I saw it twice. Not content with just watching it in Imax 3D, I thought I would enjoy it more in HFR 3D. I did, but even then, I dozed off during the goblin chase sequence.

While I’m a fan of Jackson’s earlier Lord Of The Rings trilogy, the first two Hobbit movies have been less than precious.

So the prospect of sitting through three bloated Hobbit movies back to back to back was about as attractive as catching rats in Bukit Batok.

The first movie, An Unexpected Journey, is 169 minutes long. That’s over two and a half hours.

The second, The Desolation Of Smaug (not Smong), is another 161 minutes.

The final movie, The Battle Of The Five Armies, is a comparatively fleeting 144 minutes.

That’s a total of 474 minutes, which is seven hours and 54 minutes. Almost eight hours!

That’s probably also how long it would take me to complete a actual marathon, that is if I could make it to finish line.

But eight hours is a sprint compared to the 25-hour eight-movie Harry Potter ultra-marathon in 2011.

No, I wasn’t crazy enough to take part in that butt-numbathon. I may be “strange and warped”, according to one The New Paper on Sunday reader last week, but I’m not a masochist.

Or am I?

Hey, I have an idea. Instead of seats, the cinema could provide treadmills for the audience to run on while watching the movies. Now that’s a real movie marathon.

But I suppose that’s too much to expect for $46, the sum I paid for The Hobbit marathon.

It’s cheaper than a ticket to watch the Dim Sum Dollies.

And less than half the registration fee for the Standard Chartered Marathon, which was $96 and didn't include even one movie, much less three. Sure, for $96, you got a goodie bag and a running singlet (plus a finisher tee if you crossed the finish line).

But for The Hobbit marathon, you also get a Hobbit pin badge, a bento dinner, popcorn and a bottle of Coke (but no dim sum).

I guess that’s the main difference between an actual marathon and a movie marathon – at the end of the latter, you get fatter.

No, I didn’t eat The Hobbit pin badge.

When I booked the tickets online for me and my 15-year-old daughter a week before The Hobbit marathon, the only seats left in the 602-seat GVmax hall (with Dolby Atmos) were in the first three rows.

I could already feel my neck cramping up just imagining looking up at the screen for eight hours.

My daughter wanted to see The Battle Of The Five Armies as early possible and we thought sitting through the movie marathon was the only way.

It was not only after booking the tickets when I discovered there were sneak previews a week before the movie’s Thursday opening. Aiyah!

So on Wednesday, like a fellowship of two, my daughter and I set out for Vivocity, prepared for a long and arduous evening.

The first movie was supposed to start at 5pm. It didn’t.

There was a live contest to give away some posters. After that, we still had to sit through three ads and a couple of movie trailers.

And then An Unexpected Journey began.

I was surprised people still guffawed at the jokes in the movie like it was the first time they heard them. Even my daughter laughed despite having seen the movie twice before.

Once again, I dozed off during the goblin chase sequence.

When the credits rolled, the audience applauded. I wasn’t sure if they were applauding the movie or themselves for making through it.

I heard someone behind me say: “One down, five more hours to go.”

My daughter and I collected the bento dinner, which was rice with vegetables, a springroll and some meat resembling chicken, outside the movie hall and ate it at the 7-Eleven next door, where we bought a strawberry-kiwi Slurpee to help wash down the food.

Many others ate their dinner sitting on the floor in the Golden Village lobby.

The second movie was supposed to start at 8:40pm. It didn’t.

More posters were given away plus the three winners of the best costume contest were announced.

Then the audience were made to shout “Golden Village” twice for some video somebody was shooting.

After that, it was the same three ads and a different movie trailer.

And then The Desolation Of Smaug began.

I didn’t fall asleep at all, but now my daughter was yawning.

The credits rolled. More applause.

During the break, we walked around the darkened mall, which was a little eerie since all the shops were closed as it was past 11pm.

The third movie was supposed to start at midnight. You guessed it – it didn’t, even though there were no more posters giveaways or costume contest winners

We watched the same three ads for the third time and another movie trailer.

And then The Battle Of The Five Armies began.

This time, the audience cheered at the start the movie.

Finally! What we were all here for!

It was a good thing I had just watched the first two movies because otherwise I would’ve forgotten about a few plot points and minor characters, and be confused by the new movie.

But even though the audience cheered the loudest when the credits rolled for the last time that night, I think The Battle Of The Five Armies is the most frustrating of the three Hobbit movies.

Let’s just say it’s no Return Of The King.

At least when the first two Hobbit movies disappointed, you could tell yourself it would all pay off in the end. But when the last one is a letdown, you realise this is it. You may have just wasted eight hours of your life.

But I didn’t.

Even though the final movie may have literally been an epic fail, The Hobbit marathon was the most enjoyable time I’ve had in the cinema in a long while.

Partly because the fans in the audience made it so much fun, but mostly because I got to spend eight hours with one of my favourite people in the world, my daughter.

We’re already planning to watch The Hunger Games marathon next year.

If only they gave out finisher T-shirts for movie marathons.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 December 2014

CORRECTION: The Harry Potter movie marathoners got a T-shirt.

The Like everyone else, I've been reading about The Hobbit: The Battle Of The Two Hashtags between #FaithinGushcloud and #FaithinXiaxue. (I'll leave it up to you to decide who the hobbit is in this scenario.)

I have to admit, before this week, I've never heard of Gushcloud. I have, of course, heard of Xiaxue and Nuffnang. (Full disclosure: I run Nuffnang ads on this blog.)

The name of the Gushcloud CEO, Vincent Ha, however sounded familiar, but I couldn't place it at first.

And then I remembered I may have received an e-mail from a Vincent Ha once. I searched my inbox and found this:

Ha!

So three months ago, Vincent Ha of Gushcloud asked me to be a "contributor" for a new site called MustShareNews.com.

I was flattered.

But now that I've read about Gushcloud, I'm hurt I wasn't asked be one of its "influencers". I guess I'm not pretty enough.

A photo posted by Gushcloud Singapore (@gushcloud_sg) on Dec 12, 2014 at 1:24am PST

Or have enough page views.

With only 398 Facebook"Likes" and 52 Instagram followers, I am in no danger of being accused of buying "Likes" or followers.

Anyway, I replied to Mr Ha that I can't contribute to his or other sites since I work for The New Paper as a full-time SPH employee.

I was also disturbed that he got the impression that I had come up with The Noose TV show, most likely from this blog post: Speaking of The Noose, see the PowerPoint that started it all.

I want to make it clear that I did not come up with The Noose. I only created the PowerPoint for it. My then MediaCorp colleague Prem Anand created The Noose.

After sending him my reply, I never heard from Mr Ha again.

Which is just as well, I supposed.

Otherwise, I could be on Team #FaithinGushcloud now.

Ha!

Truth be told, I would rather be on Team #FaithinXiaxue. Not that I have anything against Gushcloud or Mr Ha (except that he may not think I'm pretty enough).

The thing is, I'm not afraid of Gushcloud, but I really don't want to get on the bad side of Xiaxue Baggins.

She can be more terrifying than Smaug.

UPDATE: Mr Ha has written back. It's all good.

COLUMN: How Xiaxue made Roy Ngerng look good

So this is Christmas. And what have you done?

Well, two days before Christmas, I published a 5,000-word blog post, accusing an online marketing company of inflating its earnings and other misdeeds, and ignited a “blog war”.

Then I Instagrammed a shot of me wearing a headband with the words "Fuck off" (from Obscene Headbands “R” Us) and showing my middle fingers to the world next to photos of my oh-so-cuuuuuute 21-month-old son named Dashiel.

You see, I’m not only a badass online crusader for truth but a loving mother as well.

Of course, when I say “I”, I don’t mean me.

I mean Wendy Cheng, better known as Xiaxue, which she says means “snowing”, but could also be read as “sia suay”, which in Hokkien means something she probably doesn’t intend.

Such is XX’s intimidating stature in the blogosphere that despite her under-1.5m frame, she’s the Goliath in her online brawl with Gushcloud, even though she is just one person against a whole company.

Before her blog post, I (as in me, not XX) had never even heard of Gushcloud.

I might have come across the name of the company before, but it quickly left my mind like a cloud blown away by a gust of wind.

But thanks to XX’s “big Gushcloud exposé”, I now know I have another option in Gushcloud in case I want to promote my slimming services and think Nuffnang is charging me too much for an advertorial. Also, XX, who is represented by Nuffnang, just wrote a very nasty review of my slimming services.

Okay, I realise many of you may have never heard of Nuffnang. It’s sort of like Gushcloud’s big competitor and has been around longer.

When I first came across the name Nuffnang, I imagined the company sold toy guns that shot sponge-tipped bullets.

I now run Nuffnang ads on my blog. I used to run Google ads until Google froze me out of my account because Google mistook me for a pornographer.

That might be because my URL is smong.net and if you look up “smong” in Urban Dictionary, the word apparently means “extra large penis”.

Hey, if it’s on the Internet, it must be true.

As it turns out, XX’s blog post is not just an exposé on Gushcloud. The chain of events has exposed the bitchy, shallow, stats-obsessed world of the beautiful young people who blog for a living and the people who represent them with its own parallel value system.

And you thought you were obsessed with the number of “likes” you got for the picture of your cat you posted on Facebook. For these folks, it’s their livelihood.

The leaked Gushcloud group whatsapp chat log only further confirms the bitchiness.

But I’ve never heard of these so-called “celebrity bloggers” or “influencers”. Who is this Yan Kay Kay, whom XX has kissed and broken up with? It ain’t exactly Zoe Tay versus Fann Wong.

There’s a saying: Being famous on Instagram is like being rich in Monopoly. It can also apply to bloggers.

As far as I’m concerned, there are only two bloggers in Singapore who matter (and who don’t blog about food): Lee Kin Mun, better known as Mr Brown, and dammit, Xiaxue.

Now there's a celebrity blogger deathmatch I would go to Sistic and buy tickets for my whole family to see.

But this year, another blogger has become more famous than both of them.

According to SimilarWeb.com, this relatively new blogger has an estimated 150,000 monthly visits while Mr Brown has 85,000 and XX 80,000 (for xiaxue.blogspot.sg). I have a measly 14,500.

Yet, this blogger is represented by neither Gushcloud nor Nuffnang. Maybe he needs to get a boob job.

In XX’s blog post exposing Gushcloud, she even followed this blogger’s modus operandi with her overuse of charts and graphs.

And while Gushcloud only sought “legal advice” against XX, this blogger has been taken to court and lost.

I am, of course, talking about Mr Roy Ngerng.

How come no one calls him a “celebrity blogger” or “influencer”?

Whether you agree or disagree with Mr Ngerng, his quixotic quest to get the Government to #returnourCPF is at least a cause all Singaporeans can relate to, making XX’s Gushcloud vendetta seems rather self-serving in comparison.

Leave it to Dashiel’s mum to make an alleged special-needs kids heckler look good.

Gushcloud has refuted XX’s accusations with its co-founder Althea Lim calling XX a liar and adding: “If you truly believe that you are not lying in your blog post on Gushcloud, I invite you to sue me FOR CALLING YOU A LIAR. And if you do not sue me, then I guess that speaks for itself.”

Looks like XX is not the only one spoiling for a fight.

Using Ms Lim’s logic, if Gushcloud doesn’t sue XX, does it mean XX’s allegations are true too?

The company’s CEO and other co-founder, Mr Vincent Ha, was more conciliatory, claiming that XX “is human too and she has her own opinions”. He wants to “live and let live”.

But is Xiaxue willing to give peace a chance?

Blog war is over if you want it.

#FaithinLennon.

- Published in The New Paper, 28 December 2014

Hi SM,

This woman Xiaxue has no brains and no skills and adds no economic value. Just a bloody waste of time listening to her - I don't know why we in the mainstream media even bother to give publicity to her.

Tks, Steven

EARLIER: Ha! Vincent Ha of Gushcloud contacted me in September about this

In November, online spoofers SMRT Ltd (Feedback), who have been around since December 2011, finally broke into the mainstream with the Sim Lim Square-Mobile Air-Jover Chew saga.

SMRT Ltd (Feedback) were mentioned several times by The Straits Times:

Nov 5:Netizens expose details of Sim Lim Square mobile shop owner who bullied Vietnamese tourist

Nov 10:Online vigilante group in Sim Lim saga says its Paypal account was suspended

Nov 11:Man files police report after fake web article claims he was arrested for online vigilantism

Nov 22:Even Jover Chew deserves due process of law

Yahoo noted SMRT Ltd (Feedback)'s transformation "from troll group To Internet vigilantes".

Feeling empowered after the Sim Lim saga, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) looked around to see who else to unleash its special brand of online Charles Bronson-type justice on and settled on Data Register Pte Ltd.

That was on Dec 18.

Then on Dec 23, Xiaxue happened and no one cared about Data Register anymore.

So SMRT Ltd (Feedback) swung their gun turret around and set their sights on a new target.

Post by SMRT Ltd (Feedback).

Online gawkers got their popcorn ready.

Jover Chew-slayer SMRT Ltd (Feedback) versus Tyre Queen Xiaxue - what fight fan wouldn't salivate at the prospect?

So after much build-up, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) finally released their Xiaxue & Nuffnang Exposé (Part I) yesterday.

It's long and filled with charts and graphs, not unlike XX's Gushcloud expose and Gushcloud's "official response" to XX.

It also repeats some analysis on another blog regarding trade receivable and trade payable. Who knew SMRT Ltd (Feedback) were such accounting nerds?

As someone commented: "This is an... exposé? Even my shrivelled orange was juicier."

SMRT Ltd (Feedback)'s retort to their disappointed followers:

"If you guys were expecting the expose to be Xiaxue's address, phone number, her husband company boss contact etc. her personal life, email records - don't bother.

"Yes we have them all. But we don't roll that way now. It's 2015. Let's grow up."

Even XX acknowledged this chivalry in her just-as-long charts-and-graphs-filled response to SMRT Ltd (Feedback)'s response to her exposé:

"I give credit when it's due: Thank you, Pussies, for not going so low. My family and friends are innocent and should not be involved. Good Pussies."

But she still called them vaginas. Or is it cats? Anyway, "pussies" is definitely an insult.

Post by SMRT Ltd (Feedback).

Less than five hours later, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) responded to her response to their response to her exposé with more charts and graphs. This could go on.

It's very unlike SMRT Ltd (Feedback) to bring themselves down to XX's level and fight her on her terms, ie all those charts and graphs. One would've expected something more subversive from a group who named themselves after a real-life public transport corporation as a joke and kept that name after the joke has been forgotten.

But is SMRT Ltd (Feedback) justified in targeting XX in the first place?

Sure, she is "bloody annoying acting all innocent and shit", but she's no Jover Chew.

But then SMRT Ltd (Feedback) also appear to be pulling their punches with XX. It's no longer online vigilantism - it's just another blogger analysing the XX-Gushcloud saga, which quite a few bloggers have already done.

If not for the AirAsia disaster, the saga would probably get more coverage in the mainstream press, but for now, the SMRT Ltd (Feedback)-XX bloodless feud remains confined in the back alleys of cyberspace.

The folks at Gushcloud must be grateful to SMRT Ltd (Feedback) for doing their fighting for them. And Data Register Pte Ltd seemed to have dodged a bullet.

Meanwhile, we await SMRT Ltd (Feedback)'s Xiaxue & Nuffnang Exposé (Part II).

As SMRT Ltd (Feedback) admitted: "At the end of the day, this isn’t a battle of numbers or ethics. It’s who has a bigger ego."

EARLIER: How Xiaxue made Roy Ngerng look good

Imagine you’re the Prime Minister of Singapore.

Here you are, minding your own business, giving your New Year message and welcoming 2015 at Bishan-Ang Mo Kio Park wearing a balloon hat.

Then you find out you have been called out in a blog by SMRT Ltd (Feedback) in a post entitled “The Xiaxue & Nuffnang Exposé (Part I)”.

Wait, what?

“What did SMRT say about me? Call Desmond Kuek, CEO of SMRT, and tell him I demand an explanation! Is there a part two to this exposé?”

Mr Kuek hurries to the Prime Minister’s office.

You show him the blog.

“Oh, that’s not ours,” he says.

“I’m told it’s by SMRT Ltd (Feedback),” you say.

“Uh… yes. It’s a spoof site. They’re just using our name, but it’s not us,” he says.

“How long have they been around?” you ask.

“Since December 2011,” he says.

You can’t believe what you’re hearing. “So long? And you let them get away with it?”

“To be fair,” he says, “I have been CEO only since October 2012. You should talk to Saw Phaik Hwa. She was CEO then. I have her number. You want me to call her for you?”

You glare at Mr Kuek.

“Tell me more about this SMRT Ltd (Feedback),” you request calmly.

“Sure, have you been to Sim Lim Square?” he asks.

You glare again.

“Anyway,” he continues, “in November, there was this big hoo-ha over this Vietnamese tourist reduced to tears at this Sim Lim Square shop called Mobile Air. The guy who ran the shop is this fella called Jover Chew.”

“Yah, I remember him. Did his parents actually name him Jover?” you ask.

“I can check," he says. “Anyway, a lot of people hated him. So SMRT Ltd (Feedback) published his phone number and address. He and his wife ended up getting harassed, and SMRT Ltd (Feedback) became famous. People called them vigilantes.”

You interrupt: “You mean like Charles Bronson in Death Wish?”

Mr Kuek gives you a blur look.

“Never mind,” you say. “Continue.”

He continues: “After the Sim Lim saga, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) was going to target a company called Data Register.”

“What’s that?” you ask.

“It’s a bit complicated,” he says. “Last year, ACRA brought charges against Data Register for failing to display the company name and registration number in its correspondences with other companies.

“But it doesn’t matter because, in the end, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) didn’t do anything to Data Register.”

“Why?” you ask.

“Because of Xiaxue,” he says.

“Xiaxue?”

“You know, the blogger? She’s with this company called Nuffnang. She’s a PAP supporter.”

You sigh. “We get all kinds.”

“Anyway,” he continues, “Xiaxue published this exposé about Gushcloud, which is Nuffnang’s competitor. So SMRT Ltd (Feedback) decided to do an exposé on Xiaxue and Nuffnang just because they find her annoying.”

“But how did I get dragged into this?” you ask. “I have nothing to do with these people.”

Mr Kuek explains: “In the exposé, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) published the number of inactive and suspicious or empty accounts that Xiaxue’s Twitter followers have and as a comparison, they also highlighted your numbers. She has 68 per cent ‘good’ followers while you have 46 per cent.”

“And they called me a ‘cheeky fella’! What do they mean by that?” you ask.

“They’re sort of implying that you bought fake followers, but I think it’s meant tongue-in-cheek, if you’ll pardon the pun.”

“I won’t,” you say.

“Okaaaaay,” he continues, “but as Xiaxue pointed out, you’re the leader of our country, both a Cambridge and Harvard graduate, with countless achievements under your belt. Who would be so stupid as to believe that you buy Twitter followers?”

“Then where do all these fake followers come from?” you ask.

“They’re like spam” he says. “Everybody gets them. Even Barack Obama. It's really no big deal.”

You think about it.

“So what are you going to do about these SMRT Ltd (Feedback) jokers? You're going to let them keep using your name?” you ask the SMRT CEO.

“We’re working on it,” he says.

“Yah, like how you’re working on preventing any more train delays. Happy new year, Desmond,” you say as you dismiss him.

“Happy new year, Prime Minister,” he says and leaves.

You quickly check your Twitter.

- Unpublished

Once again, let me start with an apology.

A reader named Steven e-mailed me to complain about my column about Xiaxue last week.

He wrote:

“This woman Xiaxue has no brains and no skills and adds no economic value. Just a bloody waste of time listening to her. I don't know why the mainstream media even bother to give her publicity.”

I’m apologising because I’m going to give Xiaxue a little more publicity this week — although today’s column is more about SMRT Ltd (Feedback).

Not affiliated with the real SMRT Corporation at all, the online entity known as SMRT Ltd (Feedback) was started as a joke to make fun of the spate of MRT breakdowns in December 2011, which were so bad a public inquiry was held.

More than three years later, SMRT CEO Saw Phaik Hwa is gone, but SMRT Ltd (Feedback) is still around to troll unsuspecting commuters who write in to complain about SMRT train and bus services.

But nowadays, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) is probably too famous (or infamous) for this to happen any more. Blame Mr Jover Chew.

As you may recall, in November, a Vietnamese tourist was humiliated in Mr Chew’s mobile phone shop in Sim Lim Square.

SMRT Ltd (Feedback) published Mr Chew’s address and phone number online, which led to Mr Chew and his wife being harassed.

Some lauded SMRT Ltd (Feedback) for giving the vilified phone salesman what he deserved. Others decried the online vigilantism.

By then, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) had transcended its original prankster mission and found a higher calling as the social media equivalent of Charles Bronson from Death Wish.

After dispensing with Mr Chew, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) needed a new target and eventually set its sights on a company called Data Register.

What is Data Register and what did it do to earn SMRT Ltd (Feedback)’s wrath?

That’s a bit complicated and boring.

What Data Register does is send out letters to businesses asking them to verify information on its database. And if they did, Data Register would send them a bill.

Last year, the Accounting and Corporate Regulatory Authority (Acra) filed 104 charges against Data Register for failing to display the company name and registration number in its correspondences last year. Acra also issued a few public alerts on the company.

But some feel the authorities weren’t doing enough.

So on Dec 18, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) announced on Facebook:

“We are going to embark on the next ops against Data Register Pte Ltd.”

But alas, the “ops” didn't happen. Why? Because a more... uh... attractive target emerged.

On Dec 23, blogger Xiaxue (real name Wendy Cheng) published an “exposé” on a company called Gushcloud, a competitor of Nuffnang, which is the company Xiaxue is with.

It quickly became the talk of the local blogosphere. Even I wrote about her, prompting Steven's e-mail.

On Dec 27, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) made another Facebook announcement:

“Ok Xiaxue is bloody annoying acting all innocent and shit. 10,000 likes to this post and we'll do a ‘Xiaxue Expose’ to wrap up 2014.”

The post got more than 30,000 likes.

After much build-up, SMRT Ltd (Feedback) published its statistics-filled “Xiaxue & Nuffnang Exposé (Part I)” on New Year’s eve.

It wasn’t what fans expected. One commented: “That’s it? Your big expose is that Xiaxue is brilliant at picking timed fights and bad at accounting?”

SMRT Ltd (Feedback) responded to its disappointed followers:

“If you guys were expecting the expose to be Xiaxue’s address, phone number, her husband company boss contact etc. her personal life, email records — don’t bother.

Yes we have them all. But we don’t roll that way now. It's 2015. Let's grow up.”

Gasp! Has SMRT Ltd (Feedback) mellowed with age?

Did the criticisms about vigilantism get to the pranksters?

Have they realised that with great power comes great responsibility?

Is that why they held back with Xiaxue? Sure, many people can’t stand her, like my reader Steven. But Xiaxue is no Jover Chew.

In her otherwise dismissive rebuttal to SMRT Ltd (Feedback)’s so-called exposé, even Xiaxue thanked SMRT Ltd (Feedback) for its restraint in her own catty way:

“Thank you, Pussies, for not going so low. My family and friends are innocent and should not be involved. Good Pussies.”

You know who else should be thankful? The folks at Data Register.

They seemed to have dodged a bullet.

For now.

Will there be a part two?

The sequels to Death Wish were terrible.

- Published in The New Paper, 4 January 2014

EARLIER:

'Cheeky fella': PM Lee finds out about SMRT Ltd (Feedback)

SMRT Ltd (Feedback): From troll to online vigilante to just another blogger?

How Xiaxue made Roy Ngerng look good

On Monday, The Straits Times posted this on its Facebook page:

It was also shared elsewhere and received a number of inappropriate comments, some X-rated, some hilariously so, proving once again that the Internet is made up of horny teenage boys:

I was doing some rare spring-cleaning in my flat for CNY and came across these props from the first Phua Chu Kang episode I wrote.

They're the clay ducks from a season 2 ep called Clockwork, first aired in 1999.

They were going to be thrown away after the episode was done, but I kept them as souvenirs and still have them more than 15 years later!

You can watch the full episode below. The ducks show up near the end.

Not to be confused with another duck-related episode I wrote called Fowl Play With Fish Ball. An actual duck shows up at the end.

Watch more full episodes here.

Last week, a Facebook friend shared a link to a Guardian article about Singapore.

The article is called “The price of life in Singapore, city of rules: ‘It’s a Faustian deal.’”

What is the article trying to do? Rain on our pricey SG50 parade? Well, we are in the middle of the north-east monsoon season.

A number of Singaporeans were understandably upset by the article. One commented: “This is just rubbish journalism at its climax. And coming from Guardian no less.”

Another wrote: “It’s just frustrating to know that an article like that, from a pretty reputable source, would influence the already skewed perception of Singapore in many foreigners' minds.”

Reputable source? What reputable source? The article is from Guardian!

That’s where I go to get cheap off-brand painkillers and ultra thin winged pads for my wife.

Since when did Guardian become a credible source for non-pharmaceutical, non-cosmetics and non-toiletries related news?

I didn’t even know the pharmacy published articles in the first place. Does Guardian have a newsletter I can subscribe to?

But I must admit the website is quite impressive. It has the latest news about all sorts of things, although there appears to be a peculiar UK bias.

It looks almost like a legit news site, except I couldn’t find any information about the opening hours of the Guardian outlet in the Yew Tee MRT station near my place.

That gets a thumbs-down from me.

But the Guardian website is also where I read the offending article about Singapore, which many claimed contained factual inaccuracies.

Let’s start with the “city of rules” label in the headline. It suggests that Singapore has more rules than most other cities.

I think it’s impossible to quantitatively prove this. The photo accompanying the article of a sign prohibiting smoking, food and drinks, littering, running, heel shoes, flying kites and umbrellas is not proof.

If we were counting rules, would “No food and drinks” count as one or two rules? See what I mean by impossible?

Personally, I feel that Singapore has loosened up quite a bit since the old days.

For example, despite being a male with long hair, I am rarely, if ever, attended to last. Also, I now get to see women’s nipples in the cinema.

And we have the Internet, where we can read all these things that upset us so much.

And see more women’s nipples.

Singaporeans are much looser now.

But don’t just take it from me. Ask former Tan Tock Seng Hospital employee Ed Mundsel Bello Ello.

Under the name “Edz Ello”, the Filipino nurse wrote on Facebook: “Now the Singaporeans are loosers in their own country.”

So he added an extra “s” in “loosers”. It’s just an innocent typo. I’m puzzled why so many Singaporeans were so upset by his post.

But back to the Guardian article.

Next, we have a quote from “Eric, a German expat”.

He said: “Nothing goes wrong here. Which sort of means that nothing really happens here.”

Nothing goes wrong here? Really?

There were a few hundred rats in Bukit Batok last month that might disagree. You could ask them — if they hadn’t been exterminated last week.

Perhaps a few escaped to eateries in Clementi and Marina Square.

I wonder what happened to all those hundreds of rodent carcasses. Were they cremated anywhere near a columbarium in Sengkang?

I hope not, because some people are already asking for a refund after finding out their future Fernvale Lea homes would be next to a Chinese temple housing a columbarium.

A rat crematorium in the vicinity would only make it worse.

Anyway, my point is, Eric the German expat is wrong about nothing going wrong here.

There are other points of contention in the article and Guardian has at least addressed one of them.

A note has been added at the end of the article online, which says:

“This article was amended on 6 January 2015 to correct a statement that it is ‘forbidden to buy property in Singapore unless you’re married’. To buy through Singapore’s public Housing and Development Board, you must be at least 21 and purchasing with someone in your ‘family nucleus’ — such as a sibling or spouse — or at least 35 if you are single. There are exceptions for orphans and the widowed.”

Wow. What a convoluted explanation. It would’ve been easier for Guardian to just claim its website was hacked.

Huh? What?

What do you mean it’s a different Guardian?

The Guardian is the name of a British newspaper? That’s where the article is from? Not the place where I buy my Nivea Men brightening mud serum foam to unclog my pores and hydrate my skin?

Oh.

My column has been hacked!

I thank everyone for their concern and ask for patience for the investigation to take its due course.

I prefer Watsons anyway.

- Published in The New Paper, 11 January 2015

The O Level results came out yesterday. So The Straits Times ran this package about the two main routes a student can take after O Levels.

In one of the stories, an anonymous student supposedly asked this question:

I am likely to do well enough to qualify for both the polytechnic and junior college (JC) routes, and I am still undecided between the two. I like the polytechnic route but my parents prefer the JC route because more JC students make it to the local universities. How do I know which route I am more suited for?

This is an excerpt of The Straits Times senior education correspondent Sandra Davie's reply:

If you like a more structured and guided curriculum, with a school-like environment, the junior college path may be what you are looking for.

Students who are strong in academic subjects should consider the junior college route as well, especially if you love literature or mathematics, and you want to delve deeper into these subjects.

However, if you are inclined towards a learning approach that is more hands-on, with more project work, the polytechnics could be more suitable.

Think about what kind of lessons you enjoy most or learn best from. Do you understand a topic well just by listening to a lecture or by reading about it in a textbook?

Or do things make sense only after you get to do an experiment or project work?

If it is the latter, then you may be more suited for the polytechnic.

In short, her answer is basically, "It depends on what you like."

My daughter is taking her O Levels this year and has asked me which route she should take. I have given her a more definitive answer.

Of course, JC!

I don't care what you like now as a 16-year-old who knows nothing about life.

To explain why, let me tell you a bit about my own educational background and experience.

After my O Levels, I spent three months in Anglo-Chinese Junior College and could've stayed there and taken my A Levels if I wanted to.

But I didn't, mainly because my Chinese sucked.

Also, at that time, I was so sick of school (like my son and daughter are now) and just wanted to be done with it as soon as possible. That meant I wasn't interested in going to university.

I figured if I went to poly, it would be only three more years of school instead of at least six more years if I go to JC and university.

So I went to Singapore Polytechnic and did as terribly as anyone could without actually failing any subject. I got mostly Ds but managed to graduate with a diploma in electronics.

After poly, I did my national service. By then, it was clear I sucked at electronics and had better choose another career.

Since I liked writing, I figured I could be a journalist since journalists write. (What I didn't realise then was that journalists also have to talk to people, which I hate... but that's another story.)

So to be a journalist, I went overseas to get a journalism degree, spending a lot of my parents' money.

Even now, I'm not sure you can get a journalism degree in Singapore. The closest is a mass communications degree. But since I don't have A Levels, it's unlikely I could get into a local university anyway.

As it turned out, most of my friends who went to poly also eventually went on to get degrees — some overseas and with a few even getting post-grad degrees.

(I know at the National Day Rally last year, the Prime Minister told us not to "go on a paper chase for qualifications or degrees". Too late. Not going to happen.)

So if you're going to get a degree after getting a diploma anyway, you might as well take the most direct route to get the degree — by going to JC instead.

Yes, yes, I understand that life's a journey and the quickest route may not be the best, but it sure would've saved my parents a lot of money.

Do you hear that, Ah Girl?

Sometimes I’m asked whether the famous people I write about have ever responded to my column.

Like, did my former MediaCorp colleague Gurmit Singh reply to my open letter asking him to introduce his open letter-writing daughter Gabrielle to my son after the Forever 21 incident last October?

Did SMRT CEO Desmond Kuek come after me for suggesting that his company should follow parody site SMRT Ltd (Feedback) and have a disclaimer on its Facebook page that says, “Believing in us is like believing that Kong Hee is Jesus”?

And did Ah Boys To Frogmen filmmaker Jack Neo address the objections by some former naval divers last March that he was directing a movie about the Naval Diving Unit despite being an “arsehole” who has “no clue as to what directing a movie requires”, to quote one incensed ex-frogman?

To answer all those questions — no, they have better things to do than bother with a column called “Act Blur”.

I mean, it’s no Heart Truths.

I doubt if they’re even aware I exist. Or perhaps in Gurmit’s case, he would rather pretend I didn’t.

But there have been a few rare occasions where the subjects of this column acknowledged that they were the subjects of this column.

I may not have heard from the SMRT CEO, but online pranksters SMRT Ltd (Feedback) tweeted, “@sm0ng is the first columnist from The New Paper that actually made sense about us,” after I wrote about them two weeks ago.

@sm0ng is the first columnist from The New Paper that actually made sense about us.
— SMRT Feedback (@smrtsg) January 5, 2015

I just hope they weren’t being sarcastic.

You can never really tell what the reaction would be.

That was why I avoided Mr Baey Yam Keng when I saw the Member of Parliament for Tampines GRC at the Swissotel Vertical Marathon in 2013. This was on the same Sunday I nominated him as the Singapore candidate for People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive.

Would he be flattered? Would he think I was being sarcastic? Or would be insulted that I was interested in him only for his body?

So I kept him at Baey, pun intended.

A photo posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Nov 23, 2013 at 6:24pm PST

But you know who I’m afraid to bump into the most?

Glenn Ong.

He was in the news recently for quitting MediaCorp Radio after almost two decades as a DJ there.

I have written about him a few times over the years, usually to make fun of his marriages.

Remember TVMobile? It let you watch TV on the bus. Even though people hated it, complaining about the noise and that it showed too many Chinese programmes, TVMobile inexplicably lasted from 2001 until it was finally put out of its misery at the end of 2009.

In a column celebrating its overdue demise, I expressed amazement that TVMobile lasted longer than Ong’s second marriage.

I wrote:

“And if you take into account that the public trial for TVMobile started in 1999, it actually outlasted both of Ong's marriages to Kate Reyes (2000 to 2003) and Jamie Yeo (2004 to 2009).”

After the article came out, I was a little worried that he would call me out on his radio show and recommend that I should be put to sleep like a mad dog or something.

But I flattered myself. Why would he bother with a nobody like me?

Two years after his break-up with Yeo, Ong announced his engagement to Jean Danker, another MediaCorp radio DJ, like his two ex-wives were.

It was as if the man was addicted to marrying his colleagues. He was going to run out soon.

So I wrote in a column:

“Someone should do an intervention and save him from himself — and also Danker from becoming the next member of his Obedient Ex-Wives Club.”

I braced myself for a response from him, but once again, I flattered myself.

A year later, their wedding plans were put on hold.

Danker told The New Paper in May 2012: “The gowns were beautiful. Then I was like oh-oh, we were jumping the gun. I panicked a bit.”

Even Ong said: “Many times, I feel like I shouldn't have proposed.”

They’re still not married today, although apparently, they’re still engaged.

Did my column have anything to do with their cold feet?

I shouldn’t flatter myself. Even though I met Ong once a long time ago in the 90s, he probably doesn’t even remember I exist.

Then on Jan 7 last year, out of the blue, I received this tweet from “Glenn Egoman Ong”: “Wahaha! Smong Smong...”

It was him!

He does remember I exist. I was flattered and panicking at the same time.

But to my surprise, his tweet wasn’t related to anything I had written about him. It contained a link to an article I wrote about another celebrity called “Why was Ivan Heng watching TV on New Year’s Eve?”

Wahaha! Smong Smong... Why was Ivan Heng watching TV on New Year's Eve? | My Paper | 我报 http://t.co/sy7lfr1APP”
— Glenn Egoman Ong (@GlennEgoman) January 7, 2014

Hmmm, so it’s possible that Ong is aware of my existence and yet hasn’t read any of my columns about him?

Interesting.

I was worried there for a moment.

Last week, it was announced that Ong has a new job as director at a consulting firm called CIR VIS.

So now he has a new bunch of colleagues he can marry.

That’s a relief.

And no, I haven’t heard from Ivan Heng.

- Published in The New Paper, 18 January 2015

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