S M Ong

I follow the prime minister's wife, Ho Ching, on Facebook because, you know, yolo.

She mostly shares such quirky items like an article on why Winnie is called a Pooh and a video of JJ Lin with Chen Tianwen.

Posted by HO Ching on Sunday, September 6, 2015

Then yesterday morning, she posted this:

Ever wondered how SG remains a top rated triple-A credit country? There are only about a dozen triple-A rated...
Posted by HO Ching on Sunday, September 6, 2015

This is surprising because she usually just shares links without comment. This looked like something she actually typed out herself.

Still, with an opening like "Ever wondered how SG remains a top rated triple-A credit country?", it could easily pass off as another one of those interesting informative articles she shares so often.

But knowing that she's the CEO of Temasek Holdings, you realise she's providing a rare insider perspective on how Singapore manages its reserves.

Wait a minute.

Is she not-so-subtly campaigning for PAP by going on and on about what a good job her husband's PAP Government is doing in managing the country's money?

It's subtle because she doesn't mention PAP or her husband at all.

It's not so subtle because we all know who her husband is. It ain't Donald Trump.

This is out of character for her because she has generally avoided posting anything political on Facebook even though she has shared some PAP stuff, more so in recent days because of the election.

Posted by HO Ching on Monday, September 7, 2015

But her timeline is still pretty much filled with Brain Pickings and lots of nature photography.

Then last night, she did it again.

She posted this:

Has anyone looked at the shape of the SG budget over the years?MOF has published the SG budget numbers on its website...
Posted by HO Ching on Monday, September 7, 2015

Yup, she's talking about what a good job the Government is doing with the country's money:

Has anyone looked at the shape of the SG budget over the years?

MOF has published the SG budget numbers on its website since FY1997.

I have summarised the broad % of the Singov budget shape below, averaged over three periods:

Sources of Singov inflows and outflows as % of GDP:
Financial Year (FY) 97-99
Operating Revenue 20
Total Expenditure 17
Primary Budget surplus 3

Financial Year (FY) 00-08
Operating Revenue 15
Total Expenditure 15
Primary Budget surplus 0

Financial Year (FY) 09-14
Operating Revenue 15
Total Expenditure 14
Primary Budget surplus 1

Operating revenue includes taxes as well as fees and charges like the vehicle quota premiums.

Total Expenditure covers all government expenses from defence to education, from social services to healthcare, including operating as well as development expenses such as building of schools or hospitals.

As we can see, Singov’s operating revenues went from 20% of GDP before FY2000, to around 15% of GDP the last 15 years or so. This was a major change.

MOF detailed budget data also shows tax revenues including GST going from around 15% of GDP in the late 1990s, to around 12-14% since FY2002.

Government expenditure has been kept tight, in the 12-15% range since FY2004.

Both government revenues and expenditures have grown in actual dollars over the years – they have come down as a percentage of GDP partly because Singapore’s GDP has grown steadily and faster.

In contrast, OECD economies have an average tax burden over 30% (not counting other fees and charges), double the rate for SG. Some Scandinavian countries like Denmark, have high tax burdens of almost 50%. Even Norway with its sovereign wealth fund from oil & gas, the largest in the world, has a tax burden of over 40%.

Others like the USA do not have just federal tax burden, but also state and municipal taxes on top. US government expenditure is over 40% of GDP. Even Hong Kong, without any expenses on defence, has government expenditure of over 18% of GDP in recent years.

Looks like Singov is a pretty lean government with a much lighter tax burden than most other developed economies, no?

And in case you are wondering about the last row of data called Primary Budget surpluses (or deficit in case of a negative number), yes, you would be right. The 3% average annual budget surpluses for the three years before FY2000 were pretty much what went into the government reserves, as the special transfers and top ups for those years were not as substantial as the post FY2000 periods.

I mentioned in an earlier post this morning that the returns from investments used for Singov budget last year amounted to S$8.6 billion. This helped to fund the S$8 billion put aside for the Pioneer Generation package to provide healthcare subsidies for our Pioneer Generation for the rest of their lives. Judging from the surpluses accumulated before FY2000, I think it is quite fitting that a good part of the returns generated from past surpluses, is being used to fund our Pioneers in their retirement years.

Going forward, if we are to maintain a competitive tax structure (as we must), we will not likely see such large government surpluses. So the rate of accumulation of reserves would be slower. Hmmmmm …..

If we don’t want to see higher tax burdens, we should not be careless or wasteful in our spending: as important for government as for all of us as a people.

For the teams in GIC, MAS and Temasek, and perhaps for Team Singapore as a whole too, the load on the shoulders may seem a bit heavier to ensure that we continue to deliver for the long term, with discipline and integrity.

Meanwhile, have a very goodnite, everyone!

As Hossan Leong would say, double comfirm!

The PM's wife is not-so-subtly campaigning for PAP on Facebook.

The profile photo is also a bit of a giveaway.

UPDATE:

Am sharing a follow up nugget to my post last nite on the SG budget.Those of you who have gone to MOF website to look...
Posted by HO Ching on Monday, September 7, 2015

So you voted. What do you want?

Applause?

#IVoted , it doesn't matter anymore pic.twitter.com/21VU3L79PT
— Sitik (@nysahk) September 11, 2015

@sm0ng some people don't even cover their own addresses!
— Ng (@firewillbeborn) September 11, 2015

You could say it was 9/11 for the opposition.

Many were surprised by the election results. Shellshocked even.

I believe even PAP wasn't expecting such a victory.

How did the party win so big?

Didn't you see the tens of thousands of people at WP's rallies?

Wasn't this supposed to be Dr Chee Soon Juan's big political comeback?

What the hell happened?

Was it the LKY effect? The SG50 effect? The Pioneer Generation Package effect? The gerrymandering effect? All of the above?

If you ask me, PAP won because, strange as it may sound, the ruling party was the underdog in this election.

And being the underdog, PAP came out swinging.

Unlike the 2011 election, where (apart from LKY's "repent" remark) the defining PAP moment was PM Lee saying the Government should apologise for its mistakes, there was nothing apologetic about PAP's campaign this time.

It was an all-out attack on WP with the AHPETC issue, forcing WP to play defence.

The overly complicated details of the AHPETC issue didn't matter (although it was to PAP's advantage that they were overly complicated).

All that mattered was AHPETC became the issue of GE 2015, allowing little room for other issues, like CPF and the whole foreigner thing, which many had long assumed would be PAP's downfall, to gain traction.

Because of WP winning a GRC for the first time in 2011 and Punggol East in the 2013 by-election, there had appeared to be a trend of the opposition gaining more seats with each poll.

This gave rise to what I call the Opposition Manifest Destiny, a sense that the expansion of the opposition in Singapore is righteous and inevitable.

In other words, the opposition are on the right side of history and PAP is not.

This was further reinforced by social media, the huge turn-outs for WP rallies and the resurgence of Dr Chee.

It gave the opposition and their supporters not just hope but confidence that they were really going to make a difference this time - and it turned PAP into the unlikely underdog.

Observing this, a moderate voter might be thinking: "I want more opposition in parliament but just a bit at a time. I don't want them to suddenly take over. Since everyone else is voting for opposition, I'm going to vote PAP."

Is that voting "wisely"? Depends on who you ask.

The result: PAP won almost 70 per cent of the popular votes compared to 60 per cent in 2011.

And the party got Punggol East back.

The opposition didn't know what hit them.

As Mr Tan Jee Say of the Singaporeans First party said: “The results are not consistent with the feedback we’ve heard from the ground, and these results are even worse than what we had expected.”

So is the Opposition Manifest Destiny dead?

Or merely delayed?

At least WP still has Aljunied and Hougang to work towards that destiny.

I just hope that during the next election, when you see a massive crowd at a rally, remember that that's all it is, a massive crowd at a rally. There are also massive crowds at K-pop concerts. It's not votes.

And please, nobody says SG100 again until 2065.

UPDATE

I just had a heated discussion with a colleague about the AHPETC issue.

He is of the opinion that PAP made a mistake by attacking WP on the issue because it turned off voters that could've helped PAP win back Aljunied. He believes that PAP realised the mistake and tried to drop the issue, but WP wouldn't let them.

I have no opinion whether the AHPETC issue helped or hurt PAP's chances of winning back Aljunied, but it was less important for PAP to win back Aljunied than to not lose any more seats. And PAP accomplished the latter, and then some.

But my colleague remains convinced that PAP's attack on WP over AHPETC was a strategic mistake. I agreed to disagree.

Could Benedict Goh be your MP next?

After all, he was a Pyramid Game host, like Mr Darryl David, who was just voted into office as part of Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong’s Ang Mo Kio Group Representation Constituency (GRC) team.

Who knew that hosting a game show on Channel 5 could be a stepping stone to political office?

How about the guy who hosted the Singapore version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

I mean, he already has experience promising people money if they qualify. Isn't that what politicians do anyway?

Unfortunately, the guy’s name is Mark Van Cuylenburg, but he is better known as The Flying Dutchman (or FD for short). That might sound a tad too foreign to win over Singapore voters.

Maybe he could change his name to The Flying Singaporean (or FS for short).

But I believe many would vote for Hossan Leong, who hosted a game show called We Are Singaporean. You can’t possibly get more Singaporean than that.

Actually, you can because Leong has branded himself as “Singapore Boy” after his stage show called Singapore Boy.

I guess he really wants to double confirm that people know he’s not Malaysian or some other nationality.

And that he’s a boy.

But, of course, you have to be able to do more than just host a game show to contest in an election. You should also have some contesting experience.

That's why Goh, the aforementioned former Pyramid Game host, would make an ideal candidate.

Before becoming a TV host, he not only competed in and won the 1994 Manhunt contest, he represented Singapore in Manhunt International and came in third runner-up. He also won the title of Mr Personality.

And honestly, isn’t the General Election just a form of nation-wide Manhunt but with women and more clothes on?

If that isn’t enough to convince you of Goh’s potential as a candidate, let me point out that he was also a regular cast member in the local sitcom, Happy Belly.

You know who else was a regular cast member in Happy Belly?

A certain member of the newly elected Ang Mo Kio GRC team by the name of Darryl David.

Who knew that being a regular cast member in Happy Belly could be a stepping stone to political office?

Happy Belly also starred Lim Kay Siu, best known for his role as Phua Chu Kang’s nemesis, Frankie Foo. What’s more, Lim’s brother, Lim Kay Tong, played Mr Lee Kuan Yew in the movie, 1965. So the PAP connection is there.

Unfortunately, Kay Siu has never hosted a game show. So he is unlikely to be chosen to be on PM’s team.

But Happy Belly wasn’t the only TV show that Mr David acted in. He also appeared in several episodes of the local Twilight Zone rip-off called Shiver.

Who knew that working on Shiver could be a stepping stone to political office?

You know who else worked on Shiver? That’s right. I did.

Your favourite Sunday columnist wrote eight out of the 30 episodes of Shiver. Should I expect an invitation to a “tea session” come 2019?

Unfortunately, I have never hosted a game show or taken part in a Manhunt competition despite my god-like physique.

But I worked on Shiver with Mr David so closely in 1997 that 10 years later when he became some big shot at Temasek Polytechnic, I felt comfortable enough to e-mail him and ask him for a job there.

I reminded him of the time we worked so closely on Shiver.

This was his reply:

“Good to hear from you! Shiver? Hell, just hearing that makes me want to shiver.

“Thanks for your e-mail. At this point in time, we don’t really have anything open in the area of your skill sets, but I will definitely keep you in mind should anything pop up.

“Until then, take care and be good, my man!”

Did you read that? I’m “his man”!

Okay, maybe I really didn't work that closely with him.

Perhaps I should’ve asked the other ex-Pyramid Game host, Goh, who is now the chief client officer at an interior design company called Fide Living.

Wait a minute. There was another guy who hosted The Pyramid Game — Samuel Chong.

I worked closely with him on Living With Lydia! I could ask him for a job.

Unless he’s too busy attending a “tea session”.

- Published in The New Paper, 13 September 2015

EARLIER: Shiver! See PAP candidate Darryl David as an actor back in the cringey 90s

"Singaporeans are apathetic and politically immature."

"Thank you for voting for and with stupidity."

"Shame on you."

Dear SingaporeansFor all factors that may have brought to this conclusion, may it be - gerrymandering, - SG50, -...
Posted by CPF broken promises on Friday, September 11, 2015

We are the strawberry generation. We look nice because we are often groomed and protected by our parents. But we are...
Posted by All Singapore Stuff on Monday, September 14, 2015

Are Singaporeans like frogs in boiling water, thinking only of short term gains and ignoring the dangers of a one party government?
Posted by Tan Kin Lian on Monday, September 14, 2015

Stab-in-the-back by Singaporean voters against oppositions?The result #GE2015 shows a near total rejection of...
Posted by Temasek Review on Saturday, September 12, 2015

What appeared to be a close fight for the hearts and minds of the voters has turned out to be a whitewash (pardon the...
Posted by theonlinecitizen on Saturday, September 12, 2015

EARLIER: GE 2015 aftermath: Whither the Opposition Manifest Destiny?

At first, it was the opposition who were telling the PAP voters to stop complaining.

Be prepared for all those vote PAP...dont complain..plsBrace yourself Singaporean. GST, Utility bill, town council...
Posted by Abu Bakar Bin Wahid on Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Which led to this defense of complaining.

To all the people saying things like "Don't complain next time because you voted for the PAP". How about you take a seat...
Posted by Joel Lim on Saturday, September 12, 2015

Then some started complaining about people telling opposition supporters to stop complaining.

And even wrote a poem about it.

Tired of hearing those condescending pro-PAP types berating you for your legitimate complaints?Here's a creative response in the form of a poem by blogger Lhu Wen Kai...http://lhuwenkai.com/richkid/
Posted by The Alternative View on Wednesday, September 16, 2015

To The Rich Kid Who Complained About Me Complaining
A poem I wrote about checking your privilege, in response to some of the extremely elitist remarks made by people around me over the weekend.Not exactly the best person to recite this, but there were some words I couldn't hold no longer, so I decided to give it a go myself instead.For those looking for the 'lyrics', you can find it @ http://lhuwenkai.com/richkid/
Posted by Lhu Wen Kai on Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Or is it a rap?

And according to New Nation, Singaporeans are also complaining about something else.

So short term #PreGE2020 #GE2015
Posted by New Nation on Tuesday, September 15, 2015

But as Singaporeans, let's not forget to complain about the haze.

Elections are a good distraction. #GE2015
Posted by Mothership.sg on Monday, September 7, 2015

Unless you want to blame the haze on PAP voters too.

Now the haze is so bad, yesterday when you look out of the window, you see nothing but white smog. And what can...
Posted by All Singapore Stuff on Monday, September 14, 2015

Not that I'm complaining.

Even though I have been running for a long time, this year has been filled with revelation after revelation for me as a runner.

I have learned a lot about running and running shoes in particular because of my online research to find the perfect shoes for the 2XU Compression Run half marathon last month, postponed from April.

I went through several phases.

At first, I was into minimalist shoes after I read about barefoot or natural running.

Then I got the On Cloudster and I was into cushioning.

Then I got the Saucony Virrata 2 and I was into lightweight shoes.

But then I had a problem with all these shoes because they were too narrow for my freakishly wide right foot.

So I looked for wide shoes, which led me to the Altra The One2.

They are cushioned, light and wide, but I still feel a little tightness and discomfort on my right foot.

I wore the Altra for the half marathon and they performed okay until the final few kilometres when excessive perspiration caused my feet to slide forward in the shoes.

All this time, I ran with socks.

One day in a shoe store, I tried on the Nike Flyknit Free 3.0 without socks and it was a revelation. The shoes felt like socks themselves.

I loved the feel, but the Free 3.0 were a little too minimalist for me. So I got the next best thing, the Flyknit Free 4.0.

At first, I ran with socks in the Free 4.0 (in the 10k Pocari Run), but again, I had the problem with my freakishly wide right foot.

So I took a chance and ran in them without socks. It worked. Without the extra fabric of a sock, I had a little more room in the shoe for my problematic right foot.

I ran the Singapore Aquathlon in the Free 4.0 without socks to reduce my transition time and now I'm hooked.

I'm going through my other shoes to find more candidates for sockless running, but not all shoes are suitable. They should have a seamless upper and it helps if the shoes are a bit snug to begin with.

Paradoxically, I also found that running sockless helps to reduce heel slippage for shoes that are a little too big.

I experiment by first walking around sockless in them before taking them for a sockless run. So far, the Viratta have passed the test.

I couldn't find much information about sockless running online, although it's often discussed on triathelete forums.

Here are a few links:

Apart from blisters, the most common concern for sockless runners seems to be smelly shoes.

Fortunately, my nose is far enough from my feet that I don't mind.

I don’t mean to complain, but the haze is back for the second time this year and it’s worse than before.

In March, the three-hour PSI in Singapore hit 106, which is in the unhealthy range.

The National Environment Agency (NEA) released an advisory that said:

“The haziness is likely due to an accumulation of particulate matter in the atmosphere under light wind conditions. Burning activities in the region could have contributed.”

Hmmm, what were these “burning activities in the region” NEA was referring to?

Since this happened in March, it couldn’t be Singaporeans burning stuff for the Hungry Ghost Festival since that takes place around August and September.

Let's blame Indonesia?

On March 3, Jakarta Globe reported:

“Vice-President Jusuf Kalla has denounced neighbouring Singapore and Malaysia for complaining about the severe haze caused every year by Indonesian forest fires.

“He said he took note of the way the neighbouring countries had kept complaining when toxic haze from adjacent areas in Indonesia, Riau in particular, fouled their air.

‘For 11 months, they enjoyed nice air from Indonesia and they never thanked us. They have suffered because of the haze for one month and they get upset,’ Kalla said.”

Jakarta Globe added:

“Kalla said Indonesia has repeatedly and profoundly apologised for the forest fires and for the inconvenience and pollution the haze caused in neighbouring countries.”

Was the Indonesian vice-president right? Should we be grateful for the “nice air from Indonesia” we get the rest of the year?

This wasn’t the first time that someone had complained about our complaints.

In 2010, then Senior Minister Goh Chok Tong reminded Singaporeans to think of the less fortunate. He said:

“It is important that we do not complain too much when we can’t get the house that we want, we can’t get the carpark that we want, when the MRT trains are a little crowded.

“We are in fact quite fortunate. These are problems created by our own success. There are many people who are not able to benefit from our overall success.”

It’s so quaint that when Mr Goh made this speech five years and a gazillion breakdowns ago, all you could complain about the MRT trains was that they were “a little crowded”.

O, Phaik Hwa, Phaik Hwa! Wherefore art thou, Ms Saw Phaik Hwa?

But despite Mr Goh and Mr Kalla complaining about our complaining, we can’t seem to break the habit. It has been our favourite pastime after shopping and eating for too long.

Just over a week ago, after his Reform Party lost the election, Mr Kenneth Jeyaretnam said:

“Singaporeans get the Government they deserve. I don’t want to hear any more complaints.”

I don’t think he means he wants Singaporeans to stop complaining. He just wants Singaporeans to stop complaining to him.

But then why would we complain to him? It’s not like he’s a Member of Parliament and can do anything except compare Singapore to North Korea.

What I infer from Mr Jeyaretnam’s remark is that many people had been complaining to him about the Government, which led him to believe that many were unhappy with the ruling People’s Action Party (PAP) and thus his party had a good shot of winning the election.

When this turned out to be not the case, he understandably felt misled by the complaints and doesn’t want to hear them anymore.

But Mr Jeyaretnam wasn’t the only one blindsided by the election results. Many have given their analysis on why the PAP did so well in the election, but the real question is why no one saw it coming. Not even the PAP.

The answer? All the complaining we do.

As Mr Tan Jee Say of the Singaporeans First party said:

“The results are not consistent with the feedback we’ve heard from the ground, and these results are even worse than what we had expected.”

My guess is that the “feedback” they heard were complaints about the Government. This Complaints Index is probably not the most reliable indicator of how Singaporeans will vote.

So the lesson the opposition parties have learnt here is that just because they hear many complaints about the Government, it doesn’t mean the majority will vote against it.

So it’s their turn to complain about the complaints.

Just like the Indonesian vice-president did six months ago.

Hey, wait. Didn’t Mr Kalla say we get to enjoy 11 months of “nice air from Indonesia”?

But we had the haze in March, August and this month, and the year isn’t over yet. That’s less than 11 months of nice air!

Can we complain now, Mr Kalla?

That is, if Mr Goh and Mr Jeyaretnam are okay with it.

- Published in The New Paper, 20 September 2015

It was the one good thing that came out of the haze.

And then it wasn’t.

And I’m not talking about Friday being declared a “voluntary non-work day” by the Ministry of Manpower (MOM).

The announcement turned out to be a hoax. Did anyone even fall for it?

Just because we had two extra public holidays this year (Jubilee Weekend, Polling Day), do we assume that public holidays simply fall out of the sky now?

But what made the “voluntary non-work day” announcement so credible was that the Ministry of Education (MOE) had announced on Thursday night that school would be cancelled the next day because of the haze.

Are we so gullible to believe that MOM would care as much about the health of Singapore workers as much as MOE cares about the health of the Singapore school children?

Of course not. But then the “voluntary non-work day” wasn’t even an outright holiday.

According to the fake MOM announcement, civil servants got only half a day off and employers were merely “encouraged” to give their staff a “paid day off”.

I suspect the haze had already “encouraged” a few employees to get an MC anyway.

But you know who can’t get an MC? My wife.

That’s because she’s a stay-at-home mum.

And even though she’s a mum, she’s not under MOM.

But the haze has affected her too.

The one thing she hates most about being a stay-at-home mum is waking up early every morning to get our two teenage children ready for school.

If she doesn’t wake up, the kids don’t wake up. No non-human alarm clock can rouse my children from their coma-like slumber.

Because I work late regularly, I sleep through the whole thing, so I don’t care.

On Thursday night when MOE announced the school closures, no one was happier than my wife. She was going to sleep till noon the next day.

Finally, something good came out of the haze.

Then the other shoe dropped.

She found out that only primary and secondary schools were closed.

My daughter is in Secondary 4 and my son is in his second year of junior college.

So my wife still had to get up early for my son.

She felt like she was hit by a Formula One car driven by Sebastian Vettel near turn 13 at the Singapore Grand Prix.

Why, MOE? Why did you cheat my wife’s feelings like that?

Only I can do that.

Why didn’t you close junior colleges too? Is the haze rated NC16, suitable only for persons aged 16 and above?

It must be because of the obscene PSI readings.

It felt like 2013 all over again.

On Thursday, the PSI was so high that Pizza Hut, McDonald’s and KFC announced that they were suspending home delivery — just like in 2013.

[ SUSPENSION OF DELIVERY SERVICE ] Due to the hazardous conditions caused by the haze, we have temporarily suspended...
Posted by Pizza Hut on Thursday, September 24, 2015

That’s when you know the end is nigh — when you can’t go out to get food because of the haze, and the food can’t come to you.

On the Pizza Hut Facebook page, someone wrote: “No worries, I will order Canadian Pizza.”

Ironically, the next day, when MOE closed the schools, the haze situation apparently improved enough that the food companies resumed their delivery service.

[ RESUMPTION OF DELIVERY SERVICE ] As conditions with the haze have improved, we have resumed our delivery service. Thank you for your kind understanding.
Posted by Pizza Hut on Thursday, September 24, 2015

So did MOE jump the gun? Or Pizza Hut?

Ask the people queueing outdoors for the new iPhone 6s on Friday morning.

Wow, deja vu. I just flashed back to June 2013 when people were queuing for the black Hello Kitty doll at McDonald’s in the haze. I was one of them.

But unlike Friday, schools weren’t closed in 2013 because the haze happened during the June school holidays.

Surprisingly, my son didn’t feel any resentment that he had to go to school on Friday in the haze and his sister didn’t.

My daughter, on the other hand, resented that her chemistry teacher gave her more homework via WhatsApp.

Her teachers weren’t that happy they had to go school on Friday in the haze too. Her history teacher used not one but two crying face emojis in a WhatsApp message to the class.

My wife knows how he feels.

Can teachers complain to MOM?

- Published in The New Paper, 27 September 2015

I ran the 10km instead of the half marathon in The Straits Times Run last year.

This year, there's no 21km half marathon. Instead, it's 18.45km, you know, because The Straits Times was supposedly founded in 1845. Yeah, that makes sense.

Since only 18.45km runners get the finisher's T-shirt, I of course had to join the 18.45km category even though the shirt is rather ugly.

Last week, it seemed the event would likely be cancelled because of the haze. It was quite suspenseful checking the PSI on Saturday night and waiting for the announcement.

But as if someone at SPH was controlling the haze, the PSI compliantly went below 100 for the first time in days just so the ST Run could go on. It was uncanny.

Flag-off was at 5am yesterday near the Sports Hub. My work ended at 1am. I decided to head for the Hub straight from the office, so I didn't get any sleep at all.

I reached the Hub way too early at around 3.40am. I almost fell asleep standing up while waiting for the flag-off at the starting line.

Runners (including myself) taking pictures of the starting line.

The Straits Times editor flagged off the run promptly at 5am. This punctuality surprisingly doesn't happen often enough at the races I've joined.

It was good that in the early part of the race, the route was very wide to accomodate the huge crowd of runners.

Running under the distinctive arches of the Flower Dome at Gardens By The Bay.

The same dome from across the bay many minutes later.

I decided to take my time to survive the long distance and slowed down to almost walking speed after the half-way mark.

Another selfie on the run with the Singapore Flyer in the background.

A runner (sitting in gurney) getting help from an ambulance crew.

One way the ST Run cheat your feelings is that you see the dome and you think you're almost near the finish line, but you actually still have more than 1km to go and you're already limping.

Finally, the tunnel into the dome

The finish line.

My target was to finish the race in under two and a half hours, and I just made it.

It was funny to hear the announcer inside the dome having to keep reminding runners not to take pictures before crossing the finish line.

The danger is if you stop to take photos, you're blocking the way and other runners could run into you.

I wonder how organisers will handle this problem in the future. Will they enforce stricter rules against picture-taking by runners near the finish line? Or will they accomodate this behaviour and find a way to make it safer?

I spotted Mr Teo Ser Luck (Minister of State, Ministry of Trade and Industry and Mayor, North East District) among the runners. He is more bulked up than I thought. He's second from right in the picture above.

I also saw another minister, Mr Lawrence Wong. He is more petite than I thought.

Although the run was supposed to be 18.45k, my running app says it was more than 19k.

I've never felt more pain after a run despite having done two half marathons. I should just stick to 10k or below from now on.

But I've already signed up for the 13km run in The North Face 100 at MacRitchie in two weeks. I've even bought the shoes

And worn the shirt.

Maybe it will be cancelled because of the haze.

By the way, after the ST Run, the PSI went up again.

Uncanny.

EARLIER: Recapping The Straits Times Run At The Hub 2014

Today’s column was almost cancelled because of the haze.

I know reading this column often requires strenuous physical exertion. Just avoid doing it outdoors when the PSI is over 100, especially if you’re a child, elderly, pregnant, have a chronic lung or heart disease, or any combination of the above.

The reason I decided not to cancel is that something happened last week that I want to write about and I feel it is worth risking your health for.

A “beauty” blogger named Juli Phang made headlines when she live-blogged the wedding of her husband’s friend, posting negative comments about the bridal car, the bride’s bouquet and gown.

Ms Phang also took the opportunity to humblebrag on Dayre about how her husband made fun of her when she told him people were looking at her in the bridal car instead of the bride.

You know, because she was more beautiful than the bride.

Besides being narcissistic, Ms Phang also exhibited some mild xenophobia when she wrote: “Why the emcee role must use the restaurant staff?! One Pinoy and one PRC.”

As if she expected to be called out for her mild xenophobia, she added the disclaimer: “I’m not ethnocentric hor, but it’s not like the couple doesn’t have friends what.”

Well, if her point was that the bride and groom should have asked a friend to be the emcee, highlighting the nationalities of the restaurant staff members bolstered her argument not one whit.

Speaking of being “ethnocentric”, that reminds me of another woman who made the news after posting some comments about a wedding.

Almost exactly three years ago to the day, upset by the noise from a Malay wedding in the void deck, Ms Amy Cheong ranted on Facebook: “Void deck weddings should be banned. If u can’t afford a proper wedding, u shouldn’t be getting married.”

The rest, as they don’t say, is her story. Ms Cheong was fired from her job as an assistant director at NTUC and fled the country. She became the poster child for childish postings.

Sure, we’ve had Mr Anton Casey, Edz Ello and others since then, but Ms Cheong was a pioneer, although she doesn’t qualify for the Pioneer Generation Package.

Even Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong commented on her case on Facebook, saying:

“Let us all be more mindful of what we say, online and in person, and always uphold the mutual respect and sensitivity that holds our society together.”

So far, PM Lee has been too busy rearranging his cupboard to comment on Ms Phang’s case, but I think she is even bigger than Ms Cheong — at least globally.

Ms Phang’s infamy spread so far and wide that the New York Daily News said she has been dubbed the “world’s worst wedding guest”.

I was shocked. I thought I was the world’s worst wedding guest.

I have been dethroned.

True, there was never an official ceremony where I was conferred the title. It’s not like I was given a certificate or a tiara or anything.

But I’ve lost count of the number of wedding dinners I’ve attended where I didn’t give a hongbao.

For all her insensitive comments, my guess is that Ms Phang or her husband still handed the bride and groom a red packet containing cash.

That’s what most Singaporeans do.

Except me.

Because as an invited guest, I don’t believe it’s my duty to subsidise anybody’s nuptials. The other suckers can do so if they want.

I scoff at how Singaporeans are so bound by custom that they feel obligated not only to help foot the bill for the wedding dinner, they must also calculate and contribute an amount that commensurates with how expensive the restaurant is.

If that doesn’t make me the world’s worst wedding guest, it should at least make me Singapore’s worst wedding guest.

But then I’ve never live-blogged about how the bride was “drowning in her gown” on her wedding day.

Ms Phang has since removed the offending posts and apologised for them.

As she said on Dayre, the mobile blogging platform where it all started:

“I realise that what I wrote has caused the couple and their families great distress. I am really sorry for the pain and inconvenience I have unintentionally caused, and am doing my best to find ways to make it up to them.”

While she’s doing that, I should work on regaining the “worst wedding guest” title I lost to her. I may even start using Dayre. I just have to figure out how to pronounce it.

Then I need someone to invite me to a wedding.

No outdoor ceremonies please.

You know, haze.

So... anyone getting married soon?

(And can do without the hongbao?)

Send me a card.

- Published in The New Paper, 4 October 2015

EARLIER: Not sure how much hongbao to give for wedding dinner? Don't give!

There comes a time in a person’s life when you have to decide whether to take a stand.

Even when you’re sitting down.

That moment came for me last week when I was sitting on the toilet bowl at home.

After claiming my prize in the daily Piñata Party in the Plants Vs Zombies 2 game on my brand new space grey iPhone 6s, I tapped on Facebook to check for news of nude photos of any other celebrities besides Justin Bieber.

Baby, baby, baby, oh my. He’s certainly not a baby anymore.

I also read on my timeline about a Primary School Leaving Examination (PSLE) maths question that has upset at least one person on Facebook.

The multiple-choice question is, how heavy are eight $1 coins? Is it 6g, 60g, 600g or 6kg?

I would be upset by this question too. It’s not clear enough.

It doesn’t specify whether the coins are the old $1 coins or the new $1 coins even though both types are still in wide circulation.

It would be like asking for the weight of the Acting Minister of Education without specifying which one, now that we have two Acting Ministers of Education.

I would assume that it’s Mr Ng Chee Meng and not Mr Ong Ye Kung, as Mr Ng is in charge of Schools and Mr Ong looks after Higher Education and Skills.

But it would be an assumption and you know what they say when you assume — it makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me” and anyone taking the PSLE.

Speaking of “ass”, I was about to reach for the toilet paper to wipe mine when I read something on my iPhone that stopped me in my tracks.

It was a news report about supermarket chains withdrawing paper products sourced from Asia Pulp & Paper Group (APP).

This comes after the Singapore Environment Council temporarily suspended the use of the Singapore Green Label certification for APP’s exclusive distributor, Universal Sovereign Trading, pending further investigations.

APP is one of five Indonesian companies named by the National Environment Agency as possible contributors to the haze. The Government has sent notices to these firms for possible transgressions of the Transboundary Haze Pollution Act.

Why It Matters: Boycotting haze-causing firmsCan consumers in Singapore make a difference if they really want to? http://str.sg/ZukV
Posted by The Straits Times on Friday, October 9, 2015

Some people want to boycott APP products and urge others to do so too. If you hate the haze, don’t use APP products. One of APP’s products is Paseo toilet paper.

Alamak. That’s the brand of toilet paper in my toilet!

Why couldn’t I have read this after I had wiped myself?

That’ll teach me not to use the phone when I poop.

I don’t even usually get Paseo toilet paper at the NTUC FairPrice supermarket. I usually buy the cheaper FairPrice housebrand.

But one day, I was seduced by the Paseo Elegant four-ply because it was on offer — and it has dolphins printed on it.

I mean, come on, who can resist dolphins?

So I bought three packs with 10 rolls in each pack.

As I sat there in the toilet, I looked at the dolphins dolefully.

What should I do?

Wipe myself with the sea mammals and contribute to the haze?

Or spend the rest of the day with an uncomfortable feeling when I walk?

Should I stop using a company’s products just because the company may have been involved in harmful practices?

Then I looked at my iPhone, which had put me in this buttock-numbing dilemma.

Apple has long been criticised for not doing enough to improve the poor working conditions in the Chinese factories that manufacture the iPhone.

Yet, millions, including myself, still rush to get one every time Apple releases a new model.

Would it be hypocritical of me to take a stand against a company that may have contributed to the haze and not the company that may have not done enough

to prevent the exploitation of workers just because the haze is closer to home?

“What do you think, dolphins?” I asked as I flushed them down the toilet.

It’s a relief not to have to walk funny. I still have two more packs of dolphin-print toilet rolls to go.

I wonder how much a bidet costs.

- Published in The New Paper, 11 October 2015

Talk about a long weekend.

I took part in my first The North Face 100 run on Saturday and my first Chua Chu Kang Big Farm Walk & Run on Sunday.

It was also the first time I made the questionable decision of taking part in two runs in two consecutive days.

The North Face 100

One thing different about TNF100 for me is that it has a list of "compulsory race equipment" each runner is required to carry, most essentially a "hydration system". In other words, water bottles.

50km: 1.5 litre minimum
25km: 1 litre minimum
13km: Half litre minimum

I was running the 13km. So I found this Adidas bottle belt on sale at the Adidas outlet store in IMM.

It was awkward running with three filled water bottles around your waist at first, but after a while, you don't notice them.

Although I've run at MacRitchie numerous times on my own, this would be the first time I took part in a big race there.

You can run around the reservoir clockwise or anti-clockwise. I find the latter to be slightly easier. Fortunately, the TNF100 13km course was anti-clockwise.

The flag-off time was 10am which was the latest I've started a morning race. But because MacRitchie has plenty of shade, the heat was not so bad, unlike the Green Corridor Run.

Into the woods.

Yes, that's the Singapore Blade Runner in front of me (above).

About 1km before the finish line, I saw a guy passed out on the ground getting attention.

This is how another runner described the incident on Facebook.

Hi guys - the race was hardToday but no surprise with training limited because of the Haze - the 25 was also quite a...
Posted by Wendy Riddell on Saturday, October 10, 2015

Luckily, it happened close to the finish line so help could get to the casualty more quickly.

I wanted to stop to take a picture, but didn't think it was appropriate.

So I just continued running.

At the finish line was the biggest spread of post-race refreshment I've ever seen. It could be because this was the first time I took part in an event where the longest distance is 50km.

There were bottles of Aquarius sports drink, bananas, pears, vanilla and chocolate ice cream, and a variety of Subway sandwiches. Yes, Subway sandwiches - tuna, turkey, cold cuts and vegetarian.

I picked the turkey. And the chocolate ice-cream.

Hey, I'm in the top 25 per cent of my category. Not bad considering I didn't push myself that hard because I had another run the next morning.

Chua Chu Kang B.I.G. Farm Walk & Run

A very cheap community run. Only $10 (with Passion card) to register compared to the $75 (early bird rate) I paid for TNF100.

No bib. No timing chip. Just a singlet, a goodie bag and a finisher medal.

But since it was in my neighbourhood, I thought I should join it at least once.

I made the questionable decision to run from my home to the starting line, which added 3km to the 10km run - on top of the 13km I ran at MacRitchie less than 24 hours earlier.

I made it just in time for the flag-off at 7.30am.

Ooh, look at the fishies.

There's a reason it's called the B.I.G. Farm run.

After the U-turn around the 7km mark, someone ran up to me and grabbed me from behind. It turned out to be a secondary classmate I hadn't seen in years. He happened to be a volunteer road marshall for the run.

He said I should organise a mahjong session with our former classmates at my place soon. I said, "Fuck you."

I saw an ambulance but no casualties.

Without a timing chip to motivate me, I finished with a very lazy time of about 1 hour 19 minutes for the 10km.

It was interesting to run a new route. All the mass runs around the Marina Bay area were getting boring.

My next big race is the 10km Rail Corridor Run in January.

So I have a long time to recover from my "long" weekend.

Has he quit yet?

It has been 17 long days since Mr Khaw Boon Wan was sworn in as the new Minister of Transport on Oct 1.

Wasn’t there a power fault disrupting train service for half an hour on the North-East Line (NEL) on Tuesday?

It's the first MRT breakdown since Mr Khaw became transport minister.

What, no harakiri?

McDonald’s even brought back the Samurai burger for the occasion. (Don’t forget the seaweed fries.)

After all, isn’t the Ministry of Transport where political careers go to die?

That’s not me saying it. It was The Straits Times.

To quote:

“The transport portfolio seems to be a graveyard for ministers, cutting short promising political careers with its challenges.”

Buried in this graveyard are the ministerial careers of Mr Raymond Lim (2006-2011) and Mr Lui Tuck Yew (2011-2015), who some say committed career harakiri by resigning just before the General Election for the sake of the ruling People’s Action Party.

Someone buy him a Samurai burger.

Banzai!

But it wasn’t always like this.

I know it’s hard for younger Singaporeans to imagine, but once upon a time in Singapore, the sky was haze-free for 12 months a year, compact disc shops were in every shopping centre and MRT breakdowns were virtually unheard of.

Then, on Dec 15, 2011, it all changed.

An estimated 127,000 people were affected by what was then called the worst MRT breakdown in 24 years. Two days later, another breakdown occurred, affecting 94,000 people.

The new normal had arrived.

A big movie around the time was The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1. It might as well be The MRT Saga: Breaking Down Part 1.

But unlike The Twilight Saga, which ended with Breaking Dawn Part 2, The MRT Saga is still ongoing with Breaking Down Part 94 and counting.

So I was surprised to learn that on Wednesday, the Land Transport Authority, SMRT and SBS Transit conducted an exercise to test their management and readiness plans in the event of major train service disruptions.

Don’t they have enough practice already?

Why do they have to pretend to have a train service disruption to test their readiness?

Wasn’t there a train service disruption just the day before to do that?

Or were they not ready?

But I guess no matter how ready you think you are, you can never be really prepared for everything.

The MRT has been the target of vandals, possible terrorists and priority seat hogs, but recently, a new unexpected threat has emerged.

Balloons.

Metallic, shiny balloons.

SBS Transit told The Straits Times that a train disruption on the NEL on April 6 last year was caused by a passenger who had accidentally released an aluminium foil helium balloon.

It slipped into the tunnel at Boon Keng station when the platform doors opened and came into contact with an electrical insulator of the power supply system on the ceiling.

This caused an electrical fault, which led to the disruption.

So all this time, we have signs telling us not to bring durians onto the train when we really should have “no balloons” signs because no train service has ever been disrupted by a durian. Yet.

Since the sale of chewing gum was famously banned in Singapore after gum was found to be the cause of two train service disruptions in 1991, should the sale of aluminium foil balloons be banned next?

Will we soon be asking our friends to buy aluminium foil balloons for us from overseas?

Will dental aluminium foil balloons be exempted from the ban?

Will we still be able to buy aluminium foil balloons at pharmacies for medical purposes?

But so far, all that has been done to prevent any more balloon-related train service disruptions is posters urging passengers to hold their balloons tightly, “especially the metallic shiny ones”.

But if an errant floater does cause another breakdown, at least we can rest assured knowing the transport companies are conducting drills for such an emergency, like they did on Wednesday.

As it turned out, it was the new Transport Minister, Mr Khaw, who asked for the exercise to be carried out this month.

So will the man — whom some have called Mr Fix-It — be able to fix the MRT and whistle his way past the graveyard?

Or will he be foiled by a balloon?

Aluminium-foiled, that is.

- Published in The New Paper, 18 October 2015

Adele just released her highly anticipated new song. Unfortunately, it has a very old title, Hello.

At first, I thought it was a cover of Lionel Richie's classic hit song. Unfortunately, it isn't.

It bothers me when artists release a new song with the same title as a well-known older song.

Like Unbelievable.

So much confusion.

In Adele's case, it's worse because her Hello and Ritchie's Hello are both piano-based ballads.

At least when the Beloved had a song called Hello, it was totally different.

And my favourite Hello song.

Honorable mention:

UPDATE:

Halloween is coming.

Don’t know what to wear? I have a few scary costume ideas for you.

How about a limping otter with a fishing hook attached to your skin?

Not frightening enough?

How about a disgruntled Hello Kitty fan demanding a full refund at the Hello Kitty Go Around event on Sentosa?

Still not terrifying enough?

How about a Miss World Singapore winner who is not born in Singapore?

Ooh, I just felt a shiver shoot down my spine.

As for myself, I’m calling dibs on the most blood-curdling Halloween costume of all.

I’m going dressed as Sun Ho in the China Wine video.

No, not the white kimono outfit. I’m talking about the skimpy red number where I’ll get to show off my midriff.

Say hello to my belly button, everybody!

That’s just my tasteful way of commemorating the conclusion of the marathon City Harvest Church (CHC) leaders trial that began on May 15, 2013.

It was so long ago most people didn’t even know what the word “selfie” meant then.

Wong Li Lin was still married to Allan Wu.

When the trial started, you could still drink any time you liked in Little India.

CHC founder and Ms Ho’s husband Kong Hee along with five others were accused of diverting church money to fund Ms Ho’s singing career.

On Wednesday, all six were found guilty of all charges, including criminal breach of trust. All that’s left is sentencing.

For many, one sad consequence of the end of the trial is that we won’t get to see former CHC finance manager and Ms Ho’s occasional back-up singer Serina Wee arriving and leaving court in her Outfit Of The Day any more.

Some are even sadder that the photogenic Wee could go to jail.

Local satirical website New Nation said: “Day of national mourning declared after Serina Wee found guilty of all charges.”

It later added: “Thousands of Singaporean men volunteer as tribute to go to prison on behalf of Serina Wee.”

Welcome to the SG50 Hunger Games.

But in contrast with all the attention that Wee is getting, there is another woman involved in the case who has quietly gone through a striking transformation over the course of the trial.

When the country was first introduced to Sharon Tan in 2012 after her arrest, the former CHC finance manager could have been described as the duff, which stands for Designated Ugly Fat Friend.

A duff doesn’t necessarily have to be fat or ugly or female. He or she is just the less attractive friend.

The Duff is also the title of a Hollywood movie that came out earlier this year. Although it was never released in Singapore cinemas, I saw the trailer on YouTube.

According to the trailer, in a group of friends, the duff is “the one who doesn’t look as good, thus making their friends look better”.

And Tan certainly didn’t look as good as Wee. I mean, who can?

Then last year, Tan discovered bangs and with the help of trendy clothes from the blogshop she opened with Wee, Tan suddenly didn’t look so “duffy” any more.

And when she showed up in court for her guilty verdict last week with new eye make-up, I wasn’t the only one who noticed the makeover.

As someone tweeted on Friday:

How the f*ck did CHC accused Sharon Tan go from scary old lady to Serina Wee's chiobu sidekick!? https://t.co/na2s2MzNih
— All Singapore Stuff (@allsgstuff) October 23, 2015

So even though the 40-year-old once looked like she could have been a scary Halloween costume herself, now she is a “chiobu”.

It took only three years.

But so far, no one is volunteering as tribute to go to prison on Tan’s behalf.

I guess once a duff, always a duff.

At least she would fit into the red China Wine costume better than I can.

May the odds be ever in your favour.

- Published in The New Paper, 25 October 2015

EARLIER: Never mind Serina Wee, look at Sharon Tan!

I am ashamed

And not just of my body.

Last Sunday in this column, I made the observation that during the too-long City Harvest Church trial, while former finance manager Serina Wee was getting all the gawkers’ attention for her hotness, her under-the-radar fellow accused, Sharon Tan, had metamorphosised from a “scary old lady” to a “chiobu” before our eyes.

The descriptions in quotes were not mine. I was just reporting what had been said about Tan online. I would never use those words myself.

“Chiobu” is Hokkien for “pretty woman” and since I’m Hainanese, I would say something like “xiang dabo”, which admittedly doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like “chiobu”.

But the Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) would have none of it.

This is what Aware posted on its Facebook page:

This article says nothing more than "At first I didn't fancy her but then I did". That's not "humour" - it's just a...
Posted by AWARE Singapore on Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Ouch, that hurts almost as much as the reviews of the Phua Chu Kang movie I wrote.

But Aware was right.

At first, I didn’t fancy Sharon Tan, but by the end of the trial, I did.

Unfortunately, Tan is already married.

And, oh, she could possibly go to jail.

All of which greatly reduces my chances of dating her.

But I also agree with Aware that it’s wrong to pick apart the looks of any woman who appears in front of us.

Unless we do it to men too.

Men such as Mr Cuthbert Syn.

His name may sound like a character from the new Star Wars movie (a transgender space pirate, perhaps?), but he is a real-life Singaporean man with a possible heart condition.

Last week, a photo of Mr Syn sitting under a Reserved Seating sign on the MRT train started showing up on my Facebook timeline.

Even without reading the story, you knew what it was about. Mr Syn didn't look elderly, disabled or with child. So obviously, someone was shaming him for hogging the reserved seat.

He should've used the Jedi mind trick and said: “This isn’t the seat you’re looking for.”

The viral photo was posted by Ms Celine Chia, who wrote in her Facebook rant:

“I never once slammed anyone in public before but today, I really mean it when I tell you that you need to lose your weight and your tiredness is result of your obesity, not an EXCUSE FOR REFUSING TO GIVE UP YOUR SEAT TO THE MOTHER & CHILD!!”

So on top of shaming Mr Syn for not giving up his seat to a mother and child, Ms Chia also called him fat.

While some lauded Ms Chia for standing up (so to speak) for another passenger, she was also criticised for picking on Mr Syn’s appearance.

As one online commenter said:

“Yes, we shouldn’t judge a person by his weight. Who knows what he might have gone through. It's not right. I mean, for all we know, he's pregnant.”

And it wasn’t just fat-shaming. Another commenter targeted Mr Syn’s bald pate:

“Even his hair is embarrassed by his action. See how far they retreated past his forehead, almost wrapped into infinite abyss.”

What’s wrong with these people?

Don’t they know that we as a society have traditionally picked apart only the looks of women, not men? What would Aware say?

Mr Syn called it cyber-bullying.

He told The Straits Times: “I'm usually a shy person who will give up his seat to those in need. But I had worked late and was feeling tired and unwell last night.”

In her defence, Ms Chia said: “Since he can be so blatantly inconsiderate, I thought there's nothing wrong with putting up his picture.”

But she later removed her Facebook post, possibly because of comments like this one:

“Ms Celine Chia, I hope you realise you have just ruined someone's life using social media just because he didn't give up his seat. Shame on you.”

So the shamer has become the shamee.

But the manner in which some people have shamed Ms Chia for shaming Mr Syn ought to be shamed too.

For example:

“This Celine Chia thinks she owns the whole SMRT train and expects her voice is royal command but being an asshole and insulting to the whole singapore's fat people and spit shit out of her ass mouth. If a person is unwilling to give up the seat if unwell, then don't force. No need to talk shit things extra. You are being a tyrant shit. Which I find it disgusted and vomiting.”

Apart from the obscenities, the grammar is pretty shameful too.

Then again, perhaps I should also be shamed for shaming the shaming shaming.

Just don’t strip me naked like Cersei in Game Of Thrones and force me to walk down the street in the nude with a scary old lady behind me ringing a bell and saying “shame, shame, shame” over and over again.

Unless that’s what Aware has in mind for me.

Just give me some time to get my body into walk-of-shame shape.

I don’t want anyone calling me fat.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 November 2015

Just when you think the haze is finally gone, air pollution of a different kind made the news.

Livestock flatulence.

Last month, something called The Aviation Herald reported that a Singapore Airlines cargo flight had to be diverted because of “exhaust gasses and manure” produced by the 2,186 sheep on board.

The Boeing 747-400 freighter was flying from Adelaide to Kuala Lumpur when the four-member crew received a smoke indication.

The plane was diverted to Denpasar International Airport in Bali for a safe landing. Emergency services did not find any trace of fire, heat or smoke.

The smoke indication was identified to be the result of the gas emitted by the aforementioned sheep.

Oh, sure, blame the innocent creatures. What about the four-member crew? Don’t humans fart, too?

Isn’t it just like homo sapiens to make the sheep the scapegoat?

Well, it is the year of the scapegoat.

SIA has since refuted the report, saying the cause of the smoke indication on the plane is “an assumption being made by media, which is not able to be confirmed”.

Gee, thanks for clearing the air.

Speaking of the haze, it cleared just in time for people to queue overnight for the new Hello Kitty toy at McDonald’s last week.

No? It’s not Hello Kitty?

Is the iPhone 7 out already? Wow, Apple really accelerated its product cycle.

No? Uh… K-pop concert tickets?

Did Mr Lee Kuan Yew die again?

Actually, the long queues were for the Balmain x H&M collection launched in Singapore on Thursday.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?

And it’s not even free stuff. A simple wool hat costs $24.90.

You better buy one since we all know how cold the winter can get in Singapore.

Come on, Singapore! Can’t we go back to queueing for something more meaningful?

Like Minion toys.

What a waste of blue skies.

You would think that after weeks of avoiding going outside because of the haze, we would better appreciate the freedom that clean air gives us and make better use of it.

Instead of standing in line, you could have been taking part in The Urgent Run yesterday at East Coast Park.

Organised by the World Toilet Organisation, the event aims to raise awareness for the need of proper toilets around the world.

You don’t want to be like the sheep on the plane, producing “exhaust gasses and manure” in the cargo bay.

The skies also cleared up in time for the arrival of a very important foreigner in Singapore.

No, not Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Or Taiwanese president Ma Ying-jeou.

Of course, it’s Taylor Swift.

She performed last night at the Singapore Indoor Stadium and will do so again tonight.

We’re all cray cray for Tay Tay.

Some even suspect that the two presidents chose Singapore for their historic meeting this weekend because the Blank Space singer would be here at the same time.

Sixty-six years of bad blood between China and Taiwan? As Swift would say, shake it off.

In your wildest dreams.

Come to think of it, if Singapore can be the venue for such a high-level tête-à-tête between two bitter long-time political rivals, perhaps we can also host a summit between Swift and everyone she has ever “feuded” with.

Like Katy Perry, who just beat Swift to become this year’s highest paid woman in music, according to Forbes magazine.

Swift said in an interview last year:

“For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not. She would come up to me at award shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, ‘Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?’

“(Then) she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’”

So Perry is clearly not a member of Swift’s squad.

Neither is Nicki Minaj, although she and Swift appeared to have made up at the MTV Video Music Awards after their overblown Twitter spat.

But there's still Miley Cyrus. And Avril Lavigne? Maybe... Madonna?

Band-Aids don’t fix bullet holes or snarky sub-tweets.

Imagine all of them coming to Singapore for “peace talks” with Swift. It could be more tense than the China-Taiwan summit.

Our city-state could end up in flames like the explosive climax of Swift’s Bad Blood video.

Talk about fireworks.

And after we just made it through the haze, too.

But it probably still wouldn’t be as bad as 2,186 sheep farts.

- Published in The New Paper, 8 November 2015

Dear fellow parents of students taking O levels this year,

High five!

It’s over. It’s finally over.

I can’t feel my face after the last paper on Friday, but I love it.

But I love it.

We should go to Zouk before it moves to Clarke Quay, get drunk and vomit on the toilet aunty to celebrate.

And I know she’ll be the death of me. At least we’ll both be numb.

Of course, the O levels weren’t just stressful for us parents. The kids did their part too.

They were the ones who actually had to take the exam, the poor things.

We just had to pay for their private tuition.

For all the money I spent on my children’s tuition, I could almost afford an Uber ride during surge pricing.

Twice.

My son took his O levels two years ago. This year, it’s my daughter’s turn.

But it’s worth it.

I mean, sending them for tuition is better than doing nothing, right?

It’s for the kids. For their future.

So what if it meant making their present hell?

As if their kiasu schools weren’t sucking the soul out of them enough by giving them so much homework, we kiasu parents were sucking out whatever soul they have left by making them go for tuition as well.

But the stress is only temporary.

The O level results will be forever.

At what cost, though? (Apart from the private tuition fees.)

My daughter is possibly more relieved than I am that the deed is done for better or for worse — although “relieved” may not be the right word.

She said that after taking her last paper, she and her friends walked out of their school and pointed their middle finger at it.

I don’t know where she learned such a rude gesture.

She certainly didn’t learn it from me since I have never given anyone the finger in my life.

I give only the thumbs up.

And the Vulcan “live long and prosper” salute from Star Trek.

And maybe throw the occasional horns as tribute to the late great Ronnie James Dio, lead singer of Rainbow, Black Sabbath and Dio.

But never the middle finger.

So I can’t say I approve of such behaviour from my daughter, but I can empathise.

I hated school at her age too.

The thing is, I don’t think it even matters what school it is.

Remember four years ago when we were so stressed over the PSLE?

All that was just to ensure that our kids get into the best secondary school possible.

My daughter actually got into her first-choice school.

Now, four years later, she’s giving that first-choice school the finger.

Honestly, why did we even bother?

Same with the O levels — they are just to help you get into a junior college or polytechnic.

My guess is that if my daughter ends up in either one of those, in a couple of years or so, she’ll probably give that institution the finger too.

What I’ve come to realise is that the real reason we try to get our children into the best school is not so much to give them the best education, but to ensure that they have higher-calibre friends.

Hopefully, friends who don’t teach them to flip the bird since, as I’ve established earlier, my daughter certainly didn’t learn it from me.

On the one hand, the finger my daughter gave her school could be seen as an indictment of our whole education system and the damage it does to our children.

On the other hand, it’s also like Daniel Craig saying he’d rather “slash his wrist” than do another James Bond movie after Spectre.

They just needed to blow off some steam, but when the time comes, I trust they’ll do the right thing.

In Craig’s case, it’s playing 007 again.

In my daughter’s case, it’s A levels.

Or else.

Speaking of which, my son still has more than a week to go for his A-level exams.

So, dear parents of students taking A levels now, you can expect another invitation from me to go puke on the Zouk toilet aunty soon.

She told me: “Don’t worry about it.”

She told me: “Don’t worry no more.”

- Published in The New Paper, 15 November 2015

Blame it on my bae.

Okay, technically, Mr Baey Yam Keng is not “my” bae since he is an MP for Tampines GRC and I live in Yew Tee.

And I’m not so cray cray as to call someone my “bae” just because I went on one date with him a few months ago. Okay, it wasn’t really a date but a romantic run around Marina Baey, I mean Bae, I mean Bay. Why am I blushing?

A photo posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Feb 5, 2015 at 4:10am PST

Uh, what was I talking about?

Oh yah, blame it on Mr Baey.

As a tribute to Paris after the Nov 13 terror attacks, I had intended today’s column to be about my visit to the city in 2000.

30 Sept 2000 #paris not #photoshopped
A photo posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Nov 13, 2015 at 8:44pm PST

In the French capital for only a day, I made the mistake of choosing to walk from the Arc de Triomphe to the Musée du Louvre to see the Mona Lisa.

Strolling along Avenue des Champs-Élysées, I understood why Paris had been called one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

But the walk took so long that by the time I reached the museum, it was closed for the day.

So no Mona Lisa for me.

My consolation is that I would later read about Leonardo DiCaprio’s famous painting in The Da Vinci Code. Who knew the star of Titanic and Inception could paint too.

That was just a tantalising taste of what this column could’ve been if not for Mr Baey.

Last Sunday, in his tribute to Paris, Mr Baey posted online a photo of himself next to the Eiffel Tower with the caption:

I was in Paris in May as part of President Tony Tan's state visit delegation. It is such a beautiful city with a rich culture.

The recent multiple attacks by gunmen and perpetrators with explosives resulted in many innocent lives lost. My heart goes out to those who have lost their loved ones.

Such planned acts are mindless but very real. This is a common security challenge that many countries, including Singapore, face in the world today. There is a need for constant vigilance and no place for complacency.

Which all seems pretty innocuous until website Mothership.sg called out the photo for looking like it had been Photoshopped.

This led to an online backlash against Mr Baey with jokers (like myself) Photoshopping him into photos of other famous international landmarks.

Two years ago, another website, New Nation, had alleged that a newspaper photo showing some errant cyclists on the road had been Photoshopped.

The website later apologised after The New Paper photographer proved that the photo was real.

The people behind New Nation went on to create Mothership.sg and are now alleging that Mr Baey’s photo is Photoshopped.

The MP has since posted another photo of him next to the Eiffel Tower to show that the first photo was real, but so far, no apology seems forthcoming.

A photo posted by Baey Yam Keng 马炎庆 (@baeyyamkeng) on Nov 15, 2015 at 2:39am PST

To call the Sultan of Selfies vain and narcissistic is one thing, but to accuse Mr Baey of deceitfully inserting himself into the photo in the context of such a horrific tragedy is to suggest that the Parliamentary Secretary for Ministry of Culture, Community and Youth suffers from a pathological condition far more disturbing than mere vainglory.

I do, however, concede that photo looks awfully like it was Photoshopped even if it wasn’t.

But the controversy has also evolved such that it’s no longer just about whether the photo is real.

Even if it wasn’t Photoshopped, was it appropriate for Mr Baey to post the photo in the first place?

Why did he have to make the Paris tragedy about himself?

The former public relations company director appears to agree with the naysayers as he later posted yet another photo of the Eiffel Tower — but this time without him in it.

The last photo I posted had attracted much attention. I regret that it has distracted the message on the global challenges we face today. Besides the utter senselessness and disregard for humanity, the attacks meant something more to me as I was just in Paris six months ago. I had wanted to provide a personal connection to my thoughts beyond text and decided to re-post a photo I uploaded then. The photo was taken with a timer when I was having a rest during my morning run and I was able to chance upon this interesting perspective with the Eiffel Tower. I appreciate the frank comments by many and I do respect the views expressed. On hindsight, I could have been more mindful about the choice of photo. I would also like to thank those who gave me words of encouragement, both in public and private messages. I have chosen to be active on social media as it helps me connect with people and learn from others. This is an on-going journey that I am committed to. Thank you for your understanding and support.
A photo posted by Baey Yam Keng 马炎庆 (@baeyyamkeng) on Nov 16, 2015 at 8:24pm PST

Knowing how much he likes posting pictures of himself, I imagine doing that must have gone against every instinct in his lean body.

But it may still be not enough.

Why just a photo of the Eiffel Tower?

Why not also a photo of the Nejmeh Square clock tower in Beirut, where many were killed in a terror attack just a day before the Paris attacks?

Is not having been there a good enough reason?

Should I feel guilty about using a French flag overlay on my Facebook profile picture and not a Lebanese flag?

Well, Ms Ho Ching (that’s right, the Prime Minister’s wife) says no.

On her Facebook page, she wrote:

Millions and tens of millions of people from around the world have been to Paris, and love the time they spent there - the sunny serenity, the history, the food, the people, the culture, the cafe and the walk around.

Many millions around the world would have friends or people they know working or living in Paris.

And so it is natural that they are shocked by the terrorist attacks - it is a city where they have had wonderful memories, or have friends or colleagues, and may have visited repeatedly for work or leisure.

Many millions more would be tracking their loved ones, friends and colleagues, who may be there, or going there.

So it is natural that phone lines, emails and social media lit up as people around the world would try to check immediately if their families, friends or colleagues may be in Paris or they are safe in Paris.

Much much fewer visitors have been to Lebanon, or for that matter, to Ankara in Turkey, Urumqi in China, or Nigeria, so fewer people have memories of these places or people. At any one time, the number of visitors would be several orders of magnitude less with fewer dots to connect to the rest of the world.

Hence, news of terrorist attacks there don't evoke the same sense of shock or personal responses.

So even as we say our prayers for the victims of senseless killings, or pause to send our condolences to the families of the victims of terrorist murderers, we must know this is not about whether Parisien lives are worth more than others.

Still, to be safe, I’ve added the gay pride rainbow filter to the French flag on my Facebook photo, so I now have an exceptionally colourful profile picture.

And because I’m so afraid to get whacked like Mr Baey, this column is no longer about my poorly planned trip to Paris 15 years ago.

Instead of blaming him, perhaps I should thank him for saving me from myself. I wonder what kind of flowers he would like.

It’s sad that instead of condemning the killings, we seem more interested in condemning each other for how we respond to the killings.

In a way, we have indeed let the terrorists win.

- Published in The New Paper, 22 November 2015

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