S M Ong

They are the new public enemy No. 1.

No, I’m not talking about plastic straws.

Or smokers who are afraid they may soon not be allowed to have a puff in their own home.

Smokers are the old public enemy No. 1.

The new public enemy No. 1 is the e-scooter.

Not only have e-scooters sent people to hospital (and I don’t mean transporting them there), but they also have batteries that can catch fire and barbecue your home.

Hence, all the new safety regulations.

Then last week, I saw a comment on Facebook that offended me so much that it was all I could do not to make a police report.

Someone was commenting on a Straits Times video about the new law reducing the e-scooter speed limit from 15kmh to 10kmh on footpaths.

The comment was:

“I see people jogging at more than 10kmh at times. Can we restrict their jogging speed as well? Will be dangerous if they knock into people. Maybe we can have them wear helmets?”

What the what?

As a runner (not the loanshark kind), I was triggered.

In the first place, if your speed is more than 10kmh, you’re no longer “jogging”. You’re running, baby.

And you know why there are no laws restricting “jogging speed”?

Because a runner didn’t collide with a 45-year-old woman in Bedok Reservoir Road in March, leaving her with severe head injuries.

Because a runner didn’t collide with a 56-year-old woman in Yishun nine days later, leaving her with a lower lip laceration, chest wall strain and skin abrasions.

Because a runner didn’t collide with a 65-year-old woman in an Ang Mo Kio HDB block lift lobby in April, leaving her with a cut on her nose and bruises on her hip and leg.

Because a runner didn’t collide with a five-year-old girl outside Sembawang MRT station in May, leaving her with abrasions on her limbs and a bruise on her forehead.

Because a runner didn’t collide with a nine-year-old boy in Clementi in July last year, leaving him with abrasions on his right elbow, wrist and left knee.

Because a runner didn’t collide with a 61-year-old woman in a Yishun hawker centre last October, knocking her unconscious.

Because a runner didn’t collide with a 55-year-old woman at a Pasir Ris bus stop last September, leaving her with severe brain injuries and in a month-long coma.

You know who did all that colliding and injuring? The people who won’t be allowed to go over 10kmh on footpaths next year.

Some e-scooter riders have complained that at that speed, they might as well walk.

You know what? That’s not a bad idea. Walking is good exercise and you have less chance of burning down your home or knocking someone unconscious.

It’s cheaper too. Practically free.

And if you can walk 10km in one hour or even 5km in half an hour, hats off to you, although technically speaking, you’re not walking but running, as I’ve established earlier.

But if you can’t pass your IPPT, even 2.4km in 15 minutes will be hard. You might as well ride an e-scooter even with the new speed limit.

E-scooter fans should be thankful their favourite two-wheel hazard hasn’t been banned outright – yet.

An online petition started by a Mr Rodney Tan called “It Is Time to Ban E-Scooter in Singapore” has already surpassed its goal of 1,000 signatures.

Mr Tan wrote in his petition:

“I have seen, and can safely say many others too, that these e-scooterists would utilise both pedestrian walk paths and road meant for vehicles, whenever they feel it was convenient.

“As a motorist, I really do not know what to expect of them in terms of road practices.

“As it is, LTA is short of manpower to police irresponsible cyclists who had caused so many accidents to pedestrians.”

Oooh, and he managed to throw in a little shade at cyclists too, just to let them know that even though e-scooter riders have overtaken cyclists as the No. 1 road nuisance, they haven’t been forgotten (although losing their deposit to oBike should be punishment enough).

Mr Tan continued: “Let us not be politically correct about this. Let us nip this problem at the bud before it really gets out of hand.”

Unfortunately, the petition was started at least two years ago. We've now gone way past the bud stage. And judging by the number of e-scooter collisions since 2016, it has indeed got out of hand.

But instead of a ban that Mr Tan wants, the Government seems to be just making it as onerous as possible to ride an e-scooter.

We can see how effective that strategy has been with smokers. Old habits die hard.

Now please excuse me while I jog at less than 10kmh to Kopitiam to get a straw for my KFC drink.

- Published in The New Paper, 17 September 2018

The last time I was on Pulau Ubin when I was doing my full-time NS. That was maybe 30 years ago.

Which was why I joined the 15km King of the Trails race on Ubin yesterday morning rather than this morning's Straits Times Run which was yet another race around Marina Bay.

I've rarely if ever heard of a race on Ubin. The logistics of getting to the island alone should scare off any race organiser.

For me, just getting from Yew Tee to the Changi Ferry Terminal to take the bumboat to Ubin was like travelling to another country.

Actually, I wouldn't call it a bumboat. It's closer to what I would call a harbour launch from my navy days. The bumboats I knew back then were smaller.

After arriving at Ubin, you still have to queue for the mini-bus to get to the race venue.

But kudos to the organisers for arranging the transportation for the runners.

Arriving at the race venue:

A selfie with ex-New Paper reporter Shaffiq at the starting line. He’s much fitter and faster than I am.

Flag-off was 9am, which was rather late, which meant a rather hot race.

We back-of-the-pack runners just casually strolled across the starting line.

The first of several U-turns:

Although it was a Bring Your Own Bottle race, reusable cups were provided at water points for those who neglected to bring their own bottle.

I was fascinated by this guy who ran in flip-flops and socks.

Although it was part of the King of the Trails series of races, this Ubin leg was mostly road with hardly any trail to speak of.

It wasn’t very scenic and reminded me a bit of the Bintan race two weeks earlier.

Getting my first drink of the race.

Having completed half marathons, I thought this 15km race would be relatively easy for me. I was wrong. I struggled in the heat and over a few inclines. I also had been a little sick for the past few days.

People were already queuing up for the transport back to the ferry terminal by the time I approached the finish line. Many have probably reached home.

We back-of-the-pack runners just casually strolled across the finish line.

Relive 'Pulau Ubin - King of the Trails'

I had expected to finish under two hours, but I went way past that. Not a good performance by me today.

Despite this being King of the Trails, the post-race experience was less than royal. All I got was a lukewarm bottle of water and a Nature Valley peanut butter granola bar which was so hard to chew.

No isotonic drinks. No bananas.

I guess the organisers spent all the money on the transportation.

Riding the "bumboat" to and from the island turned out to be the most fun part of the morning for me. It reminded me of my navy days when I had take a boat to Pulau Brani.

Back on the mainland where I was surprised I had to go through a body scanner.

Joining the race was a way for me to explore Pulau Ubin which I would probably never visit otherwise and probably never will again.

Dear Ms Lerine Yeo,

Just when I thought it was safe to watch Facebook videos again…

You know that Nas Daily guy? His videos are so annoying, right?

If you like Singapore, just say you like Singapore lah. Why must say “I hate Singapore because I’m jealous”?

So extra.

Then he called Singapore “the almost perfect country”.

Hello? What “almost”? Singapore is the perfect country, okay?

I want to complain, but I’m scared he’ll call me “crybaby”. I’m very sensitive. I may actually cry.

But he’s gone now. You have taken over from him. It’s your Facebook videos everyone is talking about now.

And all you were trying to do was sell some clothes from your online shop Misshopper Boutique.

It started when someone posted a video of you promoting a top with metal rings as sort of a wearable rack where you can use S-hooks to hang umbrellas, ez-link cards, wanton mee – “whatever you want to hook, you can hook”.

I also wanted to buy the $9 “designer top” in case one day, I go to the market and have no hands to carry, but alas, I understand it’s sold out.

The video has been viewed more than 2 million times. You’re even more famous than Baby Shark, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo.

But with fame come those who seek to exploit your fame.

And I’m not just talking about Ikea, Jollibee, Wingstop and Scoot shamelessly using the S-hook in their ads last week. They should pay you a commission.

I saw your post warning of imposter Facebook pages using your Misshopper Boutique name.

You wrote:

“A police report has been lodged 25 sept at 00:51am, my taglines and photos have been used on the other page. Kindly spread the word and take note. I am not related to the other 2 page as below. Be careful cos it might be a scam. If you need clarification pm me.”

Well, you know what they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and copyright infringement.

The good news is that I read that Mark Lee has signed you to his company. He said you reminded him of a young Patricia Mok.

What an insult. You’re much more chio than Patricia Mok.

Maybe Jack Neo will cast you in Ah Boys To Men 5: Money Make No Enough.

After all, your videos are more entertaining than all his movies put together.

But I have a complaint about one of your videos.

Please don’t call me a crybaby. You know how sensitive I am.

You remember that video where you warn customers more than 1.6m tall about a dress that may be too short for them?

You said:

“And then you walk, you cannot open big big already. You must close and tight(ly), okay?

“If not, your luncheon meat, your seaweed come out give people see.”

What did I just hear?!

If you mean what I think you mean, I’m very distressed by that last line.

I like luncheon meat. I always add luncheon meat whenever I get fried bee hoon for lunch.

But because of you, I don’t think I can ever eat luncheon meat again.

Please don’t scold me for complaining.

You’ll make me cry.

Luckily, I don’t like seaweed that much.

Maybe like that Nas Daily guy, one day you can get PM Lee to be in your video too.

- Published in The New Paper, 1 October 2018

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A post shared by Nas Daily (@nasdaily) on Sep 9, 2018 at 12:24am PDT

So last week, The Guardian newspaper in UK published an advertorial sponsored by UK supermarket chain Waitrose & Partners featuring an interview with English actress-turned-celebrity chef Lisa Faulkner and a recipe for "Beautifully Simple Hainanese chicken rice".

Singaporeans who saw the recipe were triggered because it doesn't resemble the Hainanese chicken rice we all know and love.

“Blasphemy” someone called it. It’s not the kuey png that S-Hook Lady would hook on her top.

“Fuck off, Lisa” someone else commented.

It didn't help that Faulkner’s boyfriend is John Torode, the MasterChef UK judge of "crispy rendang" infamy.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Lisa Faulkner (@lisafaulknercooks) on Jul 22, 2018 at 11:47pm PDT

Being Hainanese, I feel I have a stake in this, but instead of piling on, I decided to at least try the recipe before trashing it.

So I first gathered the ingredients, which are all stuff you can get from Waitrose:

125g pack trimmed salad onions, thinly sliced on the diagonal keeping the green ends separate
½ Cooks’ Ingredients Red Chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
Finely grated zest and juice of 1 unwaxed lime,
2 tbsp essential Pure Clear Honey
1 pack 2 chicken breast fillets fed on an omega 3 enriched diet
150g hom mali jasmine rice, rinsed
40g Cooks’ Ingredients Hainanese Paste

But I'm in Singapore. So I went to NTUC FairPrice instead and got the closest equivalent.

I think I might have overbought.

The Woh Hup Singapore Hainanese Chicken Rice Paste I got is made up mostly of garlic, ginger and shallot.

I'm not much of a cook, but I tried to follow the instructions as closely as I could within my non-ability:

Combine 1 tbsp of the green salad onions in a small bowl with the chilli, lime zest, juice and honey, then set aside.

Place about one third of the remaining salad onions in a medium saucepan, thinly slice the chicken breasts and add to the pan. Pour over 350ml water and season with a little salt. Bring to a simmer, cover and cook for 6-8 minutes until the chicken is thoroughly cooked and there is no pink meat.

Remove the chicken from the pan, keep warm and set aside. Stir the rice into the pan of chicken cooking liquid. Cook gently, covered, for about 10 minutes until the rice is tender and the stock absorbed. Add a dash of water if the rice is still firm and cook a little longer.

This was where I got into some trouble.

The recipe said to "add a dash of water if the rice is still firm". I tried the rice and it felt a little grainy so I added more water. Too much it seems as the rice turned mushy.

Sorry. I had never cooked rice in a pan before.

But committed, I followed the recipe to the not-so-bitter end:

Stir the remaining onions and rice paste into the rice and heat gently, stirring for a couple of minutes to heat through. Pile on to serving plates and top with the chicken fillets. Serve drizzled with the reserved chilli and lime sauce.

And here it is:

This is what it's meant to look like:

Sure, it doesn't look anything like traditional Hainanese chicken rice, but it actually tastes like a pretty close approximation despite me ruining it with my mushy rice.

I suspect the Woh Hup Singapore Hainanese Chicken Rice Paste did most of the heavy lifting.

At least the end result tastes more like Hainanese chicken rice than the terrible Hainanese chicken burger from Burger King.

I even managed to finish the whole plate of rice by myself even though the recipe says it's supposed to serve two.

Granted, my standards are low.

And maybe they shouldn't call it "Hainanese chicken rice" when it's Angmoh chicken rice. (I’m feeling generous enough to consider it an homage rather than cultural appropriation.)

But I'm giving the "Beautifully Simple Hainanese chicken rice" my Hainanese stamp of approval.

I mean, if a non-cook like me can produce something edible from the recipe, imagine what a real cook can do.

So maybe we shouldn’t too hard on John Torode’s girlfriend.

Flag-off at a little past 7.30am for Chua Chu Kang Big Farm Run (8km) this morning.

I jogged from home to the starting line, which added 3km to my distance..

It rained, which made the weather nice and cool for running. I don't mind getting wet because I get wet from sweat anyway.

I didn't know SPCA is in the area.

Relive 'Choa Chu Kang Big Farm Run'

EARLIER: Chua Chu Kang Big Farm Run 2015

Are you sitting down?

Apparently, a metal bench at a bus stop in Braddell Road is worth $1,500.

And it’s not even created by Banksy. (Or is it?)

I mean, that’s even more than the cash prize the Miss Bikini Universe Singapore winner gets, which is only $1,000.

The pageant organiser could just give her two thirds of a bus stop bench.

How do I know a metal bench at a bus stop in Braddell Road is worth $1,500?

Because The Straits Times reported last week that such a bench was stolen by Tan Ke Wei, who was sentenced to a seven-day short detention order for committing mischief and thereby causing damage or loss amounting to $500 and above.

Seat happens.

ST said the incident occurred in June last year near midnight when Tan was waiting for a bus.

Apparently, the bus took so long to arrive that Tan started “meddling” with the bolts that secured the bench and he managed to unscrew all eight with his fingers. He then wrapped the dismantled bench in a garbage bag and took a taxi home.

My question is, did he just conveniently happen to have a garbage bag with him?

Some people carry an umbrella in case it rains. I guess this fella carries a garbage bag in case he needs to wrap a bench he removed from a bus stop.

And did Tan take a taxi because he missed the last bus of the night, since it was already around midnight when he started unscrewing the bench?

The midnight surcharge must have cost him an arm and a leg, though probably not as much as the bench.

But why did he take the bench in the first place?

Tan reportedly “intended to renovate his new flat with a bus stop design concept”.

Wait. Did I miss an issue of Home & Decor?

Is public transport-themed interior design the latest thing along with plogging and flossing (the Fortnite dance move, not cleaning between your teeth)?

Who doesn’t want to be reminded that they are too poor to afford a car even when they are at home?

After all, Potong Pasir MP Sitoh Yih Pin said last month:

“When you talk to the young, it appears to me it is becoming very fashionable not to drive so much, maybe not to even own a car, and to take public transport more, to take the trains more and to take the buses more, even to walk and to cycle.”

That’s me, Mr Fashionable.

Actually, I wouldn’t mind renovating my flat with an MRT platform design concept if I can get one of those giant ceiling fans.

You’ll need an ez-link card to enter my flat.

But the biggest question of all is, how can a bus stop bench cost $1,500?

And I thought the new iPhones were overpriced.

With that kind of money, the hawkers at Jurong West Hawker Centre could pay for 7,500 returned trays at 20 cents each.

It didn’t help that after the ST report came out, both Ikea and Courts posted ads on Facebook promoting benches costing noticeably less than $1,500.

As if to rub it in Tan’s face, Ikea touted its $159 Industriell bench as “No dismantling required” and Courts said its $179 Callum dining bench “comes with no detention”.

Kick a fella when he’s down, why dontcha? I think those ads are a form of cyber-bullying.

But judging by the pictures of their benches in those ads, I find the Ikea and Courts items don’t quite capture the special essence of a place where I would wait for a bus and contemplate the meaning of my car-lite existence, if any.

So as enticing as the lack of dismantling and detention may be, it seems that if I really want to authentically recreate the grim ambience of a bus stop in my home, only a $1,500 bench will do.

Perhaps I can win the Miss Bikini Universe Singapore contest one and a half times.

- Published in The New Paper, 15 October 2018

CSC stands for Civil Service Club.

Flag-off for the half marathon category in CSC Run By The Bay on Saturday was 5.15pm. Yes, it was sunny and a bit hot for a race.

I grabbed my first cup of H-Two-O after the 7km mark, which meant I had pretty much given up. I just wasn't feeling it.

I went to pee twice for the first time in a race.

Also, I saw an otter for the first time, near the Otters Crossing sign no less. I was surprised by how big the animal was. It was like a seal with legs.

Relive 'Csc run by the bay'

This was one of those races where I swore I would never sign up for another half marathon again. It was my second worse 21km performance ever.

I had lost whatever form I had for the Army and Bintan half marathons.

Maybe it was the heat. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was the shoes. Maybe it's just my overall lack of fitness.

This was the second time I joined an evening half marathon and both times, I did miserably.

At least I saw an otter.

It's not just KFC and Burger King.

Last week, the National University of Singapore (NUS) announced to students and staff:

With effect from 17 October 2018, the drink stalls at the canteens, food courts and selected F&B outlets/restaurants will no longer be giving out plastic straws. This will be replaced with paper straws on demand. We encourage you to go straw-free or bring your own reusable straws to help us care for the environment. Paper straws will still be made available on demand if there is a need.

More than a week later, people on NUS Whispers are still divided on whether the plastic straw ban is a good idea:

One thousand camels' back broken?

I think I may be a cyberbully.

At least that’s what the Media Literacy Council (MLC) has led me to believe.

Last Thursday, MLC posted on Facebook a series of illustrations for parents under the heading “Signs your child is a cyberbully”.

The first sign is “He/she quickly switches screens or closes programs when you walk by”.

Oh, no. That’s what I do whenever my wife walks by while I’m watching a Blackpink video.

The second sign is “Laughs excessively while using the computer”.

Oh, no. That’s what I do sometimes during a Blackpink video.

The third sign is “Get unusually upset if he/she cannot use the computer”.

Oh, no. That’s what happens to me when my wife bans me from using the computer because I watch too many Blackpink videos.

I’m a cyberbully!

But the council’s Facebook post was criticised for being “simplistic” and “disconnected from internet culture”.

One commenter wrote:

“For something called the media literacy council you guys aren’t very literate in new media hahaha. Confirm run by old uncles and aunties who pretend that they understand youths but don’t. Better ask ah boy or ah girl to teach you how to book on the facebooks and gram on the instagrams.”

A little history. The MLC was formed in 2012 by the Government to “actively develop public education programmes that will help the public navigate media, especially the Internet, safely and responsibly”.

But last week, instead of MLC educating the public about the Internet, it seemed the public was educating the MLC.

In response to the comments, the senior citizens of the council posted a mea culpa of sorts on Friday:

“WHOOPS! We’ve heard you. Our post meant to give generic examples to describe a cyber-bully, but we should have probably included some specific descriptions in the post. We’ll follow up on this asap!”

That wasn’t well received either.

Someone commented:

“Still reads like someone doesn’t want to fully admit how incorrect the post was, and tries to make it a ‘joke’ to save face.”

But more importantly, what I want to know is – am I a cyberbully or not?

Confession: The MLC post is not the only reason I think I may be a cyberbully.

Anyone remember Mr Cuthbert Syn? Probably not.

Three years ago, he became famous (or infamous) after a picture of him in a Reserved seat on the train went viral.

Asked to give up his seat to a woman carrying a baby, he refused and reportedly said: “It’s my choice and I’m tired after work.”

He later explained to The Straits Times: “I’m usually a shy person who will give up his seat to those in need. But I had worked late and was feeling tired and unwell last night.”

Vilified online, Mr Syn was also mocked for his weight and receding hairline.

So I wrote an article in The New Paper that said it was wrong to fat-shame and bald-shame the man.

That was in 2015.

Last year, I was taken aback to see an e-mail in my inbox with the subject line: “Letter of Demand - To remove article on website”.

It was from Mr Syn.

He wrote:

“I would want the article to be removed immediately. As this has caused me a lot of distress since 2015, especially when I am unwell due to a heart disease.

Under the Protection of Harassment Act (POHA), your article is an offence.

Legal action will be taken if the article is not removed.”

Wait, what?

In the first place, it had been two years since he went viral. No one is interested in reading about him any more. He was old news.

Second, my article was actually kinda defending him. And this was the thanks I got?

Third, even though my article can no longer be found online, other articles about him abound on the web, including The Straits Times report I mentioned earlier.

Last and not least, why bring up the Protection from (not “of”) Harassment Act? The 2014 law was designed to make cyberbullying a criminal offence.

Was I cyberbullying Mr Syn?

Or was he the one cyberbullying me by threatening legal action?

MLC is no help.

I wish my wife would let me use the computer so that I can Google for more information and definitely not watch any more Blackpink videos.

Fortunately, I still have my iPhone. Jisoo is so pretty, even on the smaller screen.

- Published in The New Paper, 29 October 2018

“Really?” I said incredulously.

I had searched the Kinokuniya bookstore in Jem for Tall Order: The Goh Chok Tong Story but couldn’t find it. The woman at the Kinokuniya information counter said it was sold out. I couldn’t believe it.

This was on Saturday. Wasn’t the book by Peh Shing Huei officially launched just two days earlier?

I mean, we’re talking about a book about Singapore’s second Prime Minister here and despite the glasses, not Harry Potter.

“Really?” I repeated for emphasis.

The woman chuckled and said the book should be restocked by Monday.

But that would be too late for me.

I needed the book to write about it in this column you’re reading now, which comes out on Monday, i.e. today, so I couldn’t wait.

But I didn’t tell her all that. I just headed for the Popular bookstore in neighbouring Westgate mall. After fighting my way through the crowd at Westgate for the Spotlight opening, I found the book at Popular.

Fortunately, unlike Kinokuniya, Popular had dozens of copies.

And they were not displayed on the Fiction shelf like in the picture posted online by Mr Brown.

He wrote: “Someone shelved Lao Goh’s book under Fiction. I wonder if the bookseller knows something we don’t.”

How dare Mr Brown refer to our esteemed Emeritus Senior Minister as “Lao Goh”?

Surely, the Government will request that Facebook take down the post – a request which Facebook will reject.

Instead, Lao Goh, I mean, Mr Goh shared Mr Brown’s post with a quip: “Bookshop knows that fiction sells better than memoirs.”

“Hahaha!” Mr Brown responded, possibly out of relief that he was not going to be exiled like Francis Seow or Tang Liang Hong mentioned in the book.

As it turns out, Mr Goh also provides a few “Hahaha” moments in the book amid the not-so-funny recollections of Operation Spectrum and the Hendrickson Affair.

For example, he wrote in the Afterword:

“As an aside, Lee Kuan Yew was more liberal than we think. Or more practical. When the tourism sector was down, he floated the idea of a nudist colony in Sentosa or an offshore island to bring them in! The younger ministers vetoed him.”

Was that how we ended up with casinos instead?

Commenting on his relationship with Mr Lee Kuan Yew and Mr Lee Hsien Loong, Mr Goh wrote:

“How did I succeed as a ‘Goh-between’? It was because father and son did not ‘sandwich’ me.”

I’m not sure what that means. Uh... they didn’t put him between two slices of bread?

Earlier in the book, Mr Goh also called himself “a lubricant” between the two Lees and it wasn’t nudist-related.

For a book costing the ministerial sum of $39.59, I had expected his whole life story, but the book ends with Mr Goh becoming PM in 1990. I guess that’s why it says Volume 1 on the cover.

Presumably, the next book will be about his PM years and like the sequel to the Guardians Of The Galaxy movie, will be called Volume 2.

Luckily, I didn’t pay full price for the book. My wife is a Popular member and I got a 20 per cent discount. I saved almost $8. That may not seem like much to some, but it sure ain’t peanuts to me.

Yes, really.

- Published in The New Paper, 12 November 2018

Dear Singapore Tourism Board,

A few months ago, my American friend Bill, who lives in Iowa and hadn’t contacted me in years, messaged me on Facebook.

His message included a video titled “Otter Tree” apparently shot in Singapore.

The video showed more than a dozen naked otters writhing around the base of a tree like some sort of kinky animal tree-worshipping cult ritual.

And I thought Black Friday shoppers were possessed.

Why didn’t the National Council of Churches of Singapore say anything about that?

All Bill wrote in the message was “Ong, what the hell is going on in your country?”

Okay, so this friend of mine – whom I hadn’t heard from for maybe five years and seen for decades longer – after all this time, felt compelled to finally get in touch with me, an old college friend living half a world away, to ask me about a 46-second viral otter video from Singapore?

Indeed, what the hell was going on here?

Bill didn’t ask me how I was doing, how my family was or thank me again for the Fragrance turkey bak kwa I sent him once for Christmas.

All he wanted to know about was the damn otter tree.

And the worse thing is that I couldn’t tell him.

I just replied lamely: “Yeah, I don’t know how in the last few years the country’s getting overrun by otters, of all things.”

I haven’t heard from Bill since.

It struck me as weird that now someone in Iowa thinks that Singapore is filled with otters.

And not just in Iowa.

A British couple came to Singapore to “witness the otters” after seeing the critters featured, not in the otter tree video, but in the BBC documentary series Planet Earth II.

A photo of the man kneeling to propose to the woman with otters at his feet went viral and was reported by international media last week.

And no one was even eating pizza with chopsticks in the picture.

I’m surprised Bill hasn’t messaged me about it.

But clearly the otters in Singapore are world-famous. Travellers are coming here to see them. They have become a tourist attraction.

And yet there’s no mention of them at all in your Visit Singapore website where passion is supposedly made possible.

Isn’t it about time you showed some passion for the otters? All this talk about hawker culture, but what about otter culture?

I would even go so far as to propose replacing the Merlion with the otter.

I mean, when was the last time Merli went viral, if ever?

At least the otter is real and not some awkward manufactured offspring of an impossible inter-species coupling that’s neither fish nor feline but both.

Two years ago, The Straits Times readers even voted that the otters best represented Singapore for the nation’s 51st birthday. Singlish came in second.

Now if we could only train an otter to speak like Phua Chu Kang, we’d be all set.

And this year, guess what photo won the National Geographic photography contest held in collaboration with the Ministry of Communications and Information as part of the #WhatMakesSG campaign for National Day. Hint: It wasn't a picture of the Merlion.

Look, I’m not suggesting that an otter be appointed the first assistant secretary-general of the People’s Action Party.

All I’m saying is if I don’t see an otter in the sequel to the Crazy Rich Asians movie, then you guys are simply not doing your job.

Sure, an otter bit a little French girl at Gardens by the Bay last December, but let's sweep that under the rug, shall we?

Next, I’m writing to the Monetary Authority of Singapore to get the otter on a coin despite there being no such thing as the Year of the Otter.

Yet.

That will be worth writhing naked around a tree for.

I can’t wait for Bill to message me about it.

- Published in The New Paper, 26 November 2018

McDonald's announced that it would start giving out the My Melody holder on Dec 6 at 4am.

I went to the McDonald's at Yew Tee at 2am to see if there was a queue

There wasn't, but it looked like McDonald's was preparing for one.

So I decided to go home and come back later. I overslept and got there at 4:30am.

By then, there was a queue but not crazy long like the Hello Kitty queues of yore.

A McDonald's worker was giving out this queue ticket for the My Melody holder.

I waited about half an hour for my turn to order.

Other people got multiple My Melody holders.

It took another 5 minutes to get my order, a Sausage Egg McMuffin meal with black coffee and My Melody.

This was what it was all for?

UPDATE: I'm selling my McDonald's My Melody holder on Carousell for $1,001

Taking the shuttle bus from Yew Tee to the Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon race venue this morning at 3am:

The race village at the F1 Pit Building:

Long wait for the flag-off at 4:30am:

I think I was in the sixth wave which was flagged off at 4:42am:

A woman running in what looked like a plastic sombrero:

1km marker:

I high-fived the neon man:

I was surprised I managed to run the first 5km in half an hour. I haven't done that in a while.

According to my splits, the 8th km was where my pace collapsed and I never recovered.

I even took a gel.

U-Turn!

Approaching the "cooling zone" which doesn't cool at all, although it was fun going through it:

Even the snowman overtook me:

I forced myself to wait until after 15km to take my first drink of the race:

During the last few kilometres, I almost felt like vomiting. Maybe it was the gel?

Jugglers on stilts for some reason:

Approaching the finish line finally!

I made it just under three hours, but I honestly thought I would do better after starting so well. Very disappointed.

And as if to rub it in, my former running mate Baey Yam Keng completed his first half marathon in less than two and a half hours, the bastard!

View this post on Instagram
Yeah, managed to complete my first half marathon without stopping. Thanks to @teamnila #volunteer Mr TK Low who gave me a sports massage, now I am ready to go for my constituency events. 🙂🙏 #running #scsm2018
A post shared by Baey Yam Keng 马炎庆 (@baeyyamkeng) on Dec 8, 2018 at 5:50pm PST

I think I'm retiring from half marathons. I'm getting too old and injury-prone to improve.

So my last race of the year could be my last race, period.

I admit, before last week, I had never heard of My Melody.

But when McDonald’s posted on Facebook last Monday that the My Melody holder “that took Japan by storm” was coming to Singapore on Dec 6 and that you should “grab yours before it’s too late”, I knew I had to grab mine before it was too late.

It was only later I found out that My Melody is a rabbit born in the forest of Mariland, wherever that is, whose favourite hobby is baking cookies with her mother.

Her favourite food is almond pound cake, which she enjoys eating with her best friend, a mouse named Flat, according to Sanrio.com.

My Melody is also the best friend of Hello Kitty, who is the much more famous Sanrio character, which made me wonder why McDonald’s isn’t offering a Hello Kitty holder instead.

Probably because it wasn’t a Hello Kitty holder “that took Japan by storm”.

Remember when queuing for Hello Kitty merch at McDonald’s was a tradition as Singaporean as ridiculing the Miss Universe Singapore national costume?

The queues got so out of hand in 2013 that the next year, McDonald’s started selling the mouthless feline online and the queues disappeared like Robin Thicke’s career.

The tradition was no more.

So why didn’t McDonald’s sell the $6.90 My Melody holder online too?

One reason could be that My Melody is no Hello Kitty and McDonald’s wasn’t expecting the same demand.

Yet when I went to the 24-hour McDonald’s outlet in Yew Tee at 2am last Thursday, a My Melody queueing point had been set up.

But there was no queue.

So maybe people are just not that into the cute bunny after all.

McDonald’s had announced that it would start selling the holder at 4am and I was two hours early. I was being kiasu for nothing.

So I decided to go home and come back two hours later. But I overslept and by the time I returned at 4.30am, a queue had formed.

Dammit. If I had stayed, I would have been first in line.

Instead, I had to queue for half an hour for my My Melody holder.

It felt like old times when I used to queue (unsuccessfully) for the black Singing Bone Hello Kitty doll back in 2013.

It was also an expected communal experience, waiting in line at an ungodly hour for a children’s novelty item with my fellow Yew Tee residents, which I would have missed out on if I could order the stupid thing online.

Each customer could buy up to five holders, but I bought only one. By 11.30am, it was sold out islandwide, according to McDonald’s.

To show off my achievement, I posted a selfie with my hard-earned My Melody holder in a WhatsApp group of my ex-secondary school classmates.

One of them commented: “OMG. U woke up and Q but only bought one piece?”

Just to make sure that he really hurt my feelings, he included a Rolling On The Floor Laughing emoji.

Another ex-classmate added: “They are being sold on Carousell from $20 - $50.”

Oh yeah?

I’ll show them by selling my My Melody holder on Carousell for $1,001.

Someone else had already listed it on Carousell with the asking price of $1,000, “hoping” it would be mentioned in the newspapers.

That’s why I’m charging $1 more – so that mine is the most expensive.

So far, my listing has 23 Likes.

Woohoo! I’m on my way to making a profit of $993.10 on one lousy holder.

Who’s rolling on the floor laughing now?

My Melody might just become my new favourite character. So cute.

- Published in The New Paper, 10 December 2018

EARLIER: I queued up at 4.30am for McDonald's My Melody holder this morning

As I wrote in my column, I listed my McDonald's My Melody holder for sale on Carousell for $1,001.

On Monday, I received a Carousell chat message from someone called blurt_apparels_zambrut:

Of course, I was suspicious. What sane person would pay $1,001 for the thing?

But I accepted what the person wrote in good faith. So I replied:

It all seemed to easy. But if you have bought or sold anything on Carousell before, you should know that if you want to confirm buying something, you have to click or tap the MAKE OFFER button. My would-be buyer had not done that.

Using the button allows both buyer and seller to provide feedback on each other on the tranaction.

So I messaged him:

At this point, I still wasn't if the buyer was for real, but I was curious enough to play along to see how far it would go.

What was the worst that could happen? He doesn’t show up and it was all a prank?

His (I assume he's male) Carousell profile seemed legit:

The feedback on him is positive:

And he even has a Facebook page.

So I went to Braddell MRT station on time and this was our chat:

I never heard from him again.

Wow.

So this person went so far as to string me along for five more minutes with one last message before cutting me off.

As much as I half expected it, I felt duped. My faith in humanity was destroyed.

Did he feel justified in pranking me because my $1,001 Carousell listing came across as a joke?

I could easily retaliate against him since his Carousell and Facebook profiles are public.

But I just took it as a lesson learnt.

Next time someone wants to buy from me, I will insist that the person use the MAKE OFFER button.

And I couldn’t believe what happened next.

Within half an hour, someone used the MAKE OFFER button and offered me $800 for the My Melody holder.

The catch is that I had to deliver it to him right away.

At this point, I assumed it was another prank. He may be in cahoots with the first guy since it came so soon after the first prank. It may even be the same guy.

It was as if he knew I wouldn’t fall for it again unless he used the MAKE OFFER button.

I declined the offer.

So he raised his offer. Twice.

Now it really looked like a prank. So I stopped responding to him.

To my amazement, two hours later, he actually sent me an angry message for not responding to him.

And that was the end of that.

What a stressful day.

Someone commented on my Carousell listing: "His intention is not to sell the Melody but to promote his blog via Carousell by linking his blog website in the one & only listing."

That would mean I went through a lot of trouble just to promote this blog.

Look, if anyone is really willing to pay $1,001 for my My Melody, I would be insane to say no.

But after what happened, I just can't trust people any more.

EARLIER: I'm selling my McDonald's My Melody holder on Carousell for $1,001

My parents never gave me a Christian name.

I’m guessing it might be because we’re not Christians.

But I still celebrate Christmas. That is, if you can call shopping for Christmas presents for myself celebrating Christmas.

Anyway, I don’t have a Christian name, but when I was in primary school, I really wanted one. I was jealous of classmates with such cool names as “Gordon” and “Rebecca”.

So I decided to just give myself a Christian name. My first choice was “Peter” because that was what a neighbour called me once for some reason. But I felt that “Peter Ong” was too plain and not magnificent enough.

So one day, I wrote on the cover of my exercise book “Peter Johnson Ong”.

Of course, at that age, I didn’t know I had inadvertently selected two words that also happened to be euphemisms for the penis as my self-given Christian names. I might as well just called myself “Dick Willie Ong”.

But I was too young to be aware of the unfortunate genitalia-related meaning of my newly adopted handle to be embarrassed by it. No, the source of my humiliation would be more unexpected.

As my teacher was returning homework to the class, she came across a name she had never seen before. Puzzled, she asked the class: “Who is Peter Johnson Ong?”

Suddenly hearing it said out loud by someone else for the first time, I realised how ridiculous the name sounded.

I reluctantly raised my hand.

“Oh,” my teacher said. “I didn’t know I have a new student.”

The class laughed. I wanted to die.

As she handed me my exercise book, she asked: “Why ‘Peter Johnson Ong’?”

I was too numb to speak.

Then someone yelled out: “Johnson Baby Powder!”

The class laughed even harder. I died and went to Haw Par Villa hell.

After that, I removed “Peter Johnson” from all my exercise books, but for the next few days, my nickname in class was Johnson Baby Powder.

Worse still, every time I rubbed Johnson’s Baby Powder into my armpits for the last 40 years or so, I’m reminded of that childhood shame.

I tried switching to other brands of talc, but Johnson & Johnson is usually the cheapest.

Yes, I would rather relive that painful, ignominious moment over and over again than spend a couple of bucks more.

So I had mixed feelings when I read last week that Johnson & Johnson lost a US$4.7 billion (S$6.4 billion) lawsuit to 22 women who blamed their ovarian cancer on asbestos in the US company’s baby powder and other talc products.

On the one hand, it was about time Johnson & Johnson got punished for my primary school trauma.

On the other hand, I have been using Johnson's Baby Powder all my life. Am I going to get ovarian cancer?

To my relief, on Saturday, Singapore’s Health Sciences Authority said it did not find any asbestos in Johnson & Johnson’s baby powder or other talc products sold here.

Now if only the cruel, cruel memory I associate with the baby powder could be absent too.

I probably wouldve been better off if I had just called myself Dick Willie Ong.

- Published in The New Paper, 24 December 2018

There’s an old saying: One man’s salted egg yolk loaded fries is another man’s dead lizard in a pack of Irvins salted egg fish skin.

That has never been more true than last week, when McDonald’s introduced its Salted Egg Yolk Loaded Fries.

I enjoyed the fries, but for others, they might as well have eaten a lizard.

And it was mostly the latter group that swamped the comments section on the McDonald’s Facebook page.

A sample rant:

“McDonald!!!!!! You call this salted egg?!!! Or do you mean SALTED FISH?!!!!! Not a single bit of salted egg taste!!! It tasted like salted fish instead!!!!!! It tasted sour and salty at the same time? It’s damn gross can!??!! Super duper disappointing!!!”

I think the planet ran out of exclamation points after that comment.

Another compared the fries unfavourably to drain water:

“Remember that time we caught a tilapia and the water from the longkang went in my mouth? Yeah after eating this I think the longkang water taste better.”

The most on-trend comment:

“Food review: McDonald’s salted egg yolk loaded fries tasted like YouTube rewind 2018.”

The most meta comment:

“Muahahaha... reading all these comments tastes much better than the food itself.”

I was taken aback by how angry some of the posts are. It’s almost as if McDonald’s killed their dog in its pet boarding facility or something.

That people paid over $4 for the Salted Egg Yolk Loaded Fries (a la carte) probably didn’t help.

It’s more expensive than the Golden Salted Egg Milk Foam Tea from Gong Cha but cheaper than the Salted Egg Lava Brown Sugar Pearl Fresh Milk from Liho.

Yes, salted egg is in everything now. And they don’t all come with lizard.

Still, some who ate the McDonald’s Salted Egg Yolk Loaded Fries claimed the food made them nauseous.

One wrote:

“Just had this 10 mins ago at AMK branch in AMK gardens. I vomited at the carpark outside. Feeling sick after eating this.”

McDonald’s actually replied to the comment:

“Thanks for highlighting this to us and we’re sorry to hear about your experience. Could you please share with us via private message your contact number and e-mail address? We’d like to look into this and get in touch.”

Another person just compared it to puke:

“Is it supposed to smell and taste like vomit?”

Not passing up a chance to throw rocks at a rival drowning in salted egg yolk sauce, Burger King also joined in the comments:

“We know, the clown did it again. Yet another blunder. Here at Burger King, we never mess with our fries. That is why you should totally get our Cheesy Fries for only $2.50.”

To which someone responded:

“Burger King Singapore comment totally uncalled for, tasteless n only jeopardizing ur reputation no matter how bad the sauce is. It is alright for consumers to express their discontentment but not u, commenting bluntly on ur competitor’s page.”

But another commentator defended BK:

“This happens all the time between the fast food outlets in the US though. Carl’s Junior will poke at BK or McDonald’s, Jack in the Box will poke at Carl’s and so on. It’s quite funny when they do it right.”

Surprisingly, the biggest winner in the McDonald’s Facebook fries fracas is not the King but the Colonel, who stayed out of the fray, thanks to customers’ posts like this:

“Ordered KFC cheese fries and it tastes sssoooo good!! just to counter back the horrible Mcd salted egg fries.”

Another winner is McDonald’s itself because one thing the comments also highlight is how much people really miss the restaurant chain’s usual festive offering this time of year:

“Cancel all that and just BRING OUT THE PROSPERITY BURGER & CURLY FRIES EARLY. No need to wait for Chinese New Year.”

To bring it full circle, the most ironic comment may be this:

“Please give me back my money, Mcdonalds!!! If you don’t know the real taste of salted egg yolk, go and buy a packet of Irvins salted egg and know the real taste of salted egg!!!”

But perhaps this final comment best explains why people are so salty over McDonald’s Salted Egg Yolk Loaded Fries:

“Secret ingredient not there... no gecko taste.. no wonder everybody is so pissed off.. haha.”

- Published in The New Paper, 7 January 2019

As Douglas Adams wrote in The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy, the towel“is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have”.

And for the past few days, the towel has been the hottest selling item at Chinatown Complex, though most of the buyers don’t look like interstellar hitchhikers as far as I can tell.

It’s all thanks to an online post that went viral late last week.

In case you haven’t seen it as you’re one of those heroes who swore off social media because the Internet is evil, this is what the post said:

If you’d like to buy bath and hand towels, floor mats and handkerchiefs, do consider getting them from stall No 183 at the ground floor of Chinatown Complex.

This stall is run by Mr Yoong, who is the sole breadwinner, supporting his disabled twin sisters who have muscular dystrophy and are unable to communicate, let alone support themselves. Mr Yoong has been operating the stall since his parents passed away.

One of the Yoong sisters is in Cheshire Home, a charity nursing home giving full time care to the disabled. The other sister, who used to struggle to move about, is also having mobility problems as her muscles have weakened and she cannot move around. They stay in a flat above the complex.

Chinatown complex will close for 3 months from March 2019 for repair works, and it will be tough for this family of 3 without any income.

CNY is around the corner, so if you’d like to get some new towels, do head down to the shop to get some reasonably priced cloths!

Did the story about Mr Yoong and his sisters bring a tear to your eye?

Because I know a place where you can get a towel to dry it.

As an unrepentant bandwagon jumper, I decided to check out the Chinatown Complex stall myself on Saturday afternoon and possibly buy a towel or two to help the guy.

But it seemed the guy didn’t need my help as a crowd had already gathered around Mr Yoong’s stall when I got there.

Was he selling towels or BTS merchandise?

The man had practically become an idol himself because of the viral post. That’s the power of social media for ya.

But his was a one-man operation. What if he needed to eat or go to the toilet? I wondered.

Looking a little overwhelmed but still in good humour, the spindly 55-year-old was telling people that all the big bath towels were sold out, but everyone made it a point to buy something before leaving.

Mr Yoong has told Lianhe Wanbao he didn’t want donations – just buy his towels.

Which was what I was trying to do as I finally squeezed my way to the front of the crowd.

I spotted a pack of hand towels marked $3.50 and indicated to Mr Yoong that I wanted to buy one. I thought it was $3.50 for one towel, but he handed me the whole pack of six.

That’s like 58 cents a towel. I haven’t bought many hand towels in my life, but I suspect that’s a pretty good deal.

Except I’m not sure what I’m going to do with six hand towels.

Well, I am planning to use GrabHitch for a trip to Alpha Centauri next week.

Anyone wanna come along?

I have spare towels.

- Published in The New Paper, 21 January 2019

I've been trying to reduce sugar in my diet (you know, because sugar is poison) by choosing "unsweetened" soya milk at the supermarket.

Until one day, I happened to read the nutrition information label on the carton and learnt to my shock and horror that even "unsweetened" soya milk contains sugar.

Marigold Power Beans'"unsweetened" soya milk contains 0.7g of sugar per 100ml.

I felt so deceived.

Another brand, Nutri Soy's "no sugar added" soya milk contains 0.8g of sugar per 100ml.

In their defence, both brands didn't say "no sugar". So it's my own fault for being so naive.

Except FairPrice brand's "unsweetened" soya milk actually contains 0g of sugar per 100ml!

So it is possible to have no sugar.

The lesson here is that not all brands of unsweetened soya milk are created equal.

Only FairPrice is truly sugarless.

And it's the cheapest too.

Consumers, be aware.

To answer the question that everyone is asking – no, it’s not because you’re Chinese.

It’s because everyone has been repeating the line from the Go-Jek “hostage” video since it went viral late last week. There are even music remixes now.

The joke is getting played out. Soon, it will be like saying “boomz” or “stunned like vegetable”.

And “stunned like vegetable” was how some people reacted to the behaviour of the woman passenger in the video who accused the Go-Jek driver of trying to cheat her and then kidnapping her, culminating with the “Is it because I’m Chinese?” line.

On Saturday, the driver, Mr Kamaruzzaman Abdul Latiff, who posted the video, thanked “everyone for the moral support” on Facebook.

The passenger, on the other hand, has received, let’s say, less support. She has reportedly removed her Facebook account and left the country for a holiday.

Online commenters have described her as “crazy” and “mentally disturbed”, which I think she is not and perpetuates the stigmatisation of mental illness.

Yes, she kinda over-reacted in the situation, but I can understand why she got so triggered.

Put yourself in her shoes and the backseat of the Go-Jek car.

Let’s say you have taken a ride to this place “every morning” and drivers gave you the option of going the faster way with Electronic Road Pricing (ERP) charges or “the way where there are no additional charges”.

Then one day, this driver says he doesn’t know the non-ERP way. Having little faith in humanity because of the HIV data leak, errant postmen and The Bachelor TV show, you assume the driver is trying to cheat you.

The trouble is, as someone who doesn’t drive, you also don’t know the way, just as you don’t know that car doors have an auto-lock system.

All you want is to get to Coleman Street (without paying for the ERP), but now you’re being driven to a Toa Payoh police station against your wishes. So you’re going to be a little out of sorts.

The video also shows Mr Kamaruzzaman speaking to an unseen male Certis Cisco officer in Malay, a language the passenger may not have been able to understand, which exacerbated her distress, making her feel like the two men were ganging up on her, a vulnerable lone woman auto-locked in a car against her will.

Thus when the Certis Cisco officer appeared to take the side of the driver by mansplaining the auto-lock system to her, I can see how she may have felt like she was being persecuted due to her race being different from the two men’s, resulting in her utterance of everyone’s favourite line from the video: “Is it because I’m Chinese?”

Within a day of the seven-minute video going viral, memes and parodies abound.

The Singapore Civil Defence Force jumped on the bandwagon with a post advising people not to call an ambulance for non-emergencies, adding: “Psst, our ambulance doors auto-lock for your own safety. So do not be unnecessarily alarmed. Please!”

Meanwhile, Caltex Singapore posted this seatbelt advisory: “Your cars may have auto-lock functions, but your seatbelts don’t. Remember to put on your seatbelts!”

Zansan Digital Lock posted: “Your cars may have auto-lock functions, but your homes don’t. Starting from $299, you can have this auto-lock feature for your house door too.”

And gaming computer company Asus Republic Of Gamers, of all things, promoted its laptop with the tagline: “When even laptop has auto-lock feature. #NotTakingYouHostage”

Even the Republic of Singapore Air Force posted something about “canopy auto-locks” yesterday.

Can we stop with the auto-lock already? It’s enough to make me almost miss the “Is it because I’m Chinese?” jokes.

I’m surprised Scoot and Ikea, who are usually so quick to capitalise on the latest viral sensation, haven’t posted their own spoof ads.

Have their social media managers gone on holiday too?

Is it because it’s Chinese New Year?

- Published in The New Paper, 4 February 2019

Might as well walk: If e-scooters have a speed limit, why not joggers too?

King of the Trails 15km race on Pulau Ubin: I enjoyed the 'bumboat' ride

Relive 'Pulau Ubin - King of the Trails'

Hooked on S-hook lady Lerine Yeo: Why I may never eat luncheon meat again

I tried the controversial angmoh 'Hainanese chicken rice' recipe... and it surprisingly works

Chua Chu Kang Big Farm Run in the rain

Relive 'Choa Chu Kang Big Farm Run'

$1,500 bus stop bench? Ikea, Courts cheaper

CSC Run By The Bay: I saw an otter

Relive 'Csc run by the bay'

NUS goes strawless (and to protest, someone on NUS Whispers claims to have bought 1,000 straws just to throw them away )

Whoops! Am I a cyberbully? It's a Syn (Media Literacy Council not very media-literate)

Goh Chok Tong in new book: Lee Kuan Yew wanted a nudist colony on Sentosa

Welcome to Otter-pore? My proposal: Time for Singapore to replace the Merlion

It's no Hello Kitty: I queued up at 4.30am for McDonald's My Melody holder this morning

SCSM 2018: My last half marathon?

Hare-brained? I'm selling my McDonald's My Melody holder on Carousell for $1,001

Someone on Carousell wanted to buy my My Melody holder for $1,001? Real or not?

Asbestos or no asbestos, please don't call me Johnson Baby Powder

I ate McDonald’s Salted Egg Yolk Loaded Fries and didn't vomit (But someone else did?)

I bought $3.50 towels from Mr Yoong in Chinatown because of viral post

Soya milk: 'Unsweetened' doesn't mean no sugar - except FairPrice brand

Go-Jek 'hostage' situation: Is this the reason she asked 'Is it because I'm Chinese?'