S M Ong

I have a quick movie trivia quiz for you.

If you know the answer, raise your hand (and show your armpit).

What recent Oscar-nominated movie about Nivea deodorant did Bradley Cooper star in?

Answer: American Sniffer.

What 1992 movie did Sam Raimi direct for Nivea Extra White & Firm Q10 deodorant?

Answer: Armpit Of Darkness.

In the hilarious Facebook video released last week to promote the deodorant starring YouTube personality Maimunah Bagharib, why are people so turned off by her armpits?

Answer: Because of the 50 shades of grey.

Unfortunately, you can't view the video any more to count exactly how many shades there are in Maimunah’s armpits because the video has since been removed after it was criticised for highlighting another body part for women to feel self-conscious about.

The Association of Women for Action and Research (Aware) naturally raised a stink, saying:

“Apparently, having the ‘wrong’ colour of armpit makes you unfit to interact with other human beings. This is supposedly humour — but is promoting shame and insecurity about our bodies a laughing matter?”

I guess it’s safe to assume Nivea isn’t sponsoring the carnival at Hong Lim Park from 4pm to 9pm today organised by Aware to celebrate International Women's Day.

When I first saw the video, I thought it was a spoof of deodorant commercials from The Noose or something.

It just seemed so intentionally ridiculous, like the Indonesian vice-president complaining that no one thanked Indonesia for letting us enjoy 11 months out of the year without the haze.

I mean, dark armpits? Really? That’s a thing people worry about? Talk about First World problems. There are kids starving in Africa with dark underarms.

I couldn't believe someone actually came up with a product to help “whiten” your underarm.

That sounds vaguely racist, Nazi-ish, white supremacist to me. It actually says “extra white” in large letters on the product. Heil, Aryan armpits!

Also, are your armpits so frequently exposed that you care what colour they are?

Blue and black! No, white and gold!

But then I'm not a woman — at least according to my IC — so what do I know?

After all, the Nivea Extra White & Firm Q10 deodorant is targeted at the “fairer sex” presumably to help them stay “fairer”.

I couldn't possibly understand the pressures that women face to conform to the beauty standards set by society.

Or could I?

Have you heard of Nivea Men?

Yes, men get it too.

After the Nivea armpit video was deleted from Facebook, I tried looking for it on YouTube and instead found another Nivea video about armpits, but this one is a six-year-old instructional video on how to shave your armpits — for men.

“Start with short downward strokes from the top of your armpit,” says a soothing male voice over a hunky guy shaving his armpit in the shower with Nivea For Men Active3, “and then work upwards.”

No, I will not.

Wait, are men supposed to shave our armpits?

Have I been obliviously neglecting this vital aspect of male grooming all my life?

No wonder my wife complains that my armpits smell even after I shower.

But the pressure to match up to the male standard doesn’t end there.

Last week, the results of a scientific UK study to determine the average size of the adult penis were widely reported.

After reading the report in The Straits Times, my wife immediately made me pull down my pants and used a measuring tape to determine the length and circumference of my penis to see how I compare.

To my relief, I wasn’t below average.

Hey, I need something to make up for my unshaved armpits somehow.

On the other hand, a Nigerian woman reportedly divorced her husband because his penis is too big. So I could lose either way.

So women weren’t the only ones made to feel insecure about their bodies last week.

I asked my wife if she ever worried about the hairiness or darkness of her underarm.

She said no. She doesn’t wear sleeveless tops.

Oh. No need for the Nazi-ish deodorant then.

Nivea has since apologised for the deodorant video, saying its intention was “never to demean or hold women to certain standards of beauty”.

But so far, no one has apologised for the average penis size study yet.

By the way, how come we didn’t get a carnival at Hong Lim Park for International Men’s Day last November?

- Published in The New Paper, 8 March 2015

Is this #GreenCorridorRun vest blue and white or just blue and ugly?
A photo posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Mar 1, 2015 at 11:14pm PST

The Green Corridor Run was yesterday morning

It has the latest flag-off time of all the races I've joined - 9am for the first wave. I was in the second wave, which was supposed to flag off at 9:20am, but in real life, it was 20 minutes later.

I like the late morning flag-off because I could get more sleep after working the night before. But there is a trade-off which I'll get into later.

The starting line was at the old Tanjng Pagar Railway Station.

Selfies before the race.

Approaching the starting line.

And we're off!

In the beginning, the terrain was a lot of grass (which I nearly tripped over a couple of time) before it narrows to a trail.

Speaking of narrow, the Green Corridor is really a narrow corridor and with so many runners, we were running practically elbow to elbow, making it difficult to overtake. The first half of the race was mostly bottleneck.

But the path widened whenever we went under a bridge, which was an opportunity to overtake, but the terrain was mostly loose gravel, which wasn't easy to run on.

The runners started to spread out only in the last third of race, but by that time, I was too exhausted to pass people. The heat was a factor, and that's the problem with the late morning start.

I kinda wish the race had started two hours or even just an hour earlier to avoid the heat, especially considering the recent sunny weather. Unlike at MacRitchie, where I run weekly, the Green Corridor provides very little shade. And the clear skies didn't help.

I really struggled to complete the 10.5km. It took me almost 1 hour 8 minutes to reach the finish line.

It got me worried that signing up for the 21km 2XU Compression Run later this month was a mistake. (The March 29 race starts at 5am, so sunny weather will not be a problem but waking up early will be.)

After the run, I got a banana and a pear, which was a first. I also got a slight tan.

Drone attack!

Post by Green Corridor Run.

I was told it rained during last year's race, making the trail very muddy, which I think was worse than battling the heat.

While the race was organised well enough, I'm not sure I would join again next year. The Green Corridor itself just isn't a very fun route to run.

For trail running, I still prefer MacRitchie for the scenery and meeting the occasional wildlife

A video posted by SM Ong (@sm_ong) on Aug 24, 2014 at 7:04pm PDT

Absolutely fabulous.

On Feb 19, SMRT received the award for Delivering Value Through Risk Management at the Institute of Risk Management’s Global Risk Awards ceremony in London.

And you thought the Oscars were glamorous.

What? You’ve never heard of the Global Risk Awards? What rock have you been living under?

Other big winners that night include Mr Amair Saleem of Roads & Transport Authority in Dubai, who was named Risk Management Professional Of The Year; and Lord Currie, chair of Competition And Markets Authority in UK, who received the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Surely, you must have heard of them?

No? Okay, how about Joanna Lumley?

That’s right, the blonde actress from the British sitcom, Absolutely Fabulous.

If you’re older, you may know her as the blonde actress from the weird British series, Sapphire & Steel.

If you’re even older, you may know her as the blonde actress from The New Avengers (which has nothing to do with the Age Of Ultron).

I’m in the “even older” category.

More recently, she kissed Leonardo DiCaprio in The Wolf Of Wall Street movie. (No, not Margot Robbie. Lumley played Robbie’s character’s Aunt Emma).

Even more recently, Lumley hosted the Global Risk Awards ceremony.

I told you it was glamorous.

To receive its award in London, SMRT sent at least one lucky employee, namely its head of strategy and risk management, Mr Ryan Ong, who was photographed with the still-hot 68-year-old Lumley clutching his arm like he was DiCaprio himself.

Absolutely fabulous, darling.

But what exactly is the Delivering Value Through Risk Management award?

Well, it’s “aimed at those who have established clear evidence that their risk management activities have added value to their organisation”, according to the SMRT press release.

SMRT president and CEO Desmond Kuek said:

“The rigorous judging process reaffirms that SMRT's Enterprise Risk Management programme is truly world-class and delivers superior value for our stakeholders.”

And thus SMRT snatched the award from other shortlisted contenders like AON UK, Emirate Transport (UAE), Essex County Council (UK), Infosys BPO (India) and Wakefield & District Housing (UK). What a win.

But mere days later, like the Marisa Tomei incident at the 1993 Academy Awards, it appeared like someone could’ve read out the wrong name by mistake. (I’m looking at you, dead Jack Palance.)

On Feb 23, a train service disruption between Yew Tee and Kranji stations kicked off a series of unfortunate events that made SMRT winning the award look like a oversight akin to giving the Best Actor Oscar to Eddie Redmayne over Michael Keaton.

I was rooting for Emirate Transport myself.

The Feb 23 disruption was followed by another the next day on the Bukit Panjang LRT system and another one three days later on the North-South Line after a man was seen walking on the tracks. At least he wasn’t taking a dump.

That was just in the last week of February.

Then came a delay on the Circle Line on March 3, a fire on Monday that turned the entire Bukit Panjang LRT system into a giant walkable art installation for a day, a stalled train at Yishun station on Thursday and a partridge in a pear tree.

I’m no expert like Mr Amair Saleem of Roads & Transport Authority in Dubai, but that doesn’t seem like very good risk management to me.

I’m not counting the girl who got her leg stuck in the platform gap at Hougang station on Wednesday, causing a disruption on the North-East Line (NEL) because NEL belongs to SBS Transit, not SMRT.

So I guess SMRT caught a break there — but not the NEL commuters. Or the girl.

Where is SMRT Ltd (Feedback) when you need them?

The disruptions inspired the Twitter hashtag #SMRTmovies. Someone should give Oscars to whoever tweeted “Dude, Where’s My Train?”, “Planes, Bus Bridging Services And Automobiles” and “50 Shades Of Delay”.

The Fault in Our Tracks #SMRTmovies (props to @sarahcoldheart)
— mrbrown (@mrbrown) March 3, 2015

So you can’t help but scoff at the latest Public Transport Customer Satisfaction Survey, which showed that Singaporeans’ overall satisfaction with public transport has increased to 91.3 per cent last year from 88.5 per cent in 2013.

The timing of the release of the survey results was just unfortunate, like the timing of SMRT’s Global Risk Award win. I wonder if the Institute of Risk Management would ask for its award back.

Luckily, that wasn’t the only award that SMRT won last month.

On Feb 25, the company also received the Institute of Public Relations of Singapore Prism Award for Best Public Sector Campaign.

Yes, SMRT actually won an award for public relations. That’s like me winning an award for congeniality.

The guest of honour was Ms Sim Ann, Minister of State for the Ministry of Education and Ministry of Communications and Information.

She may not be ab fab like Joanna Lumley, but she can clutch my arm any time.

- Published in The New Paper, 15 March 2015

From Derek

The Company does not deserve any accolades nor trophies. A wash out Company in the eyes of Singaporeans. Who caused these dismal performances - Saw Phaik Hwa and Desmond Lim, and poor Tuck Yew has to bear the brunt of the beatings. SMRT Officials have to learn from Hong Kong's Absolutely Fabulous MTR, London's Underground, Japan's JR and the various Transport Giants of Australia.

I want to ask, how did I get dragged into this?

But the thing is, I sorta dragged myself into this.

And what is "this"? The continuing Xiaxue-Gushcloud saga, of course.

On Saturday, Xiaxue (or Wendy Cheng) published a sequel to her Big Gushcloud Exposé.

Once again, local netizens went a little nuts over it. But a bit less nuts than before because after all, it's just a sequel. Many were also too busy hunting down the rude Chai Chee taxi passenger to crucify.

So a website called MustShareNews provided a summary of Xiaxue's second Gushcloud exposé as well as some commentary.

Then yesterday, another website, Mothership.sg, commented on the commentary by MustShareNews.

Mothership.sg said that MustShareNews covered the saga with a "defensive spin" and was downplaying it.

Mothership.sg also alleged that the reason MustShareNews was doing so is that MustShareNews belongs to Gushcloud, a fact that was not disclosed by MustShareNews, thus putting MustShareNews' objectivity in doubt.

To prove that MustShareNews is owned by Gushcloud, Mothership.sg reproduced a screenshot of the e-mail Gushcloud CEO Vincent Ha wrote to me asking me to be a contributor to MustShareNews.

And that was how I found myself dragged into the saga.

It's my own fault for publishing Mr Ha's e-mail on this blog in December in the wake of Xiaxue's first Big Gushcloud Exposé.

A part of me regrets publishing Mr Ha's e-mail because he had written to me privately and I betrayed that confidence.

Publishing a private e-mail someone writes to you is not cool and I want to apologise to Mr Ha for that. I guess I was caught up in all the leaked information about Gushcloud and wanted to be part of it, even though Mr Ha's e-mail to me is really quite innocuous.

That is, until Mothership.sg dredged it up as evidence that MustShareNews may be a little biased in matters regarding Gushcloud.

After I blogged about his e-mail in December, Mr Ha actually wrote back to me and apologised for not responding to my reply to his e-mail back in September. He seemed to have gotten the impression that I was upset with him for that, which I wasn't at all.

I was more upset with myself for giving the impression that I came up with The Noose, which I didn't at all.

But now I'm a little upset about something else.

So I tweeted about how surprised I was to be mentioned in Mothership.sg. And to my even bigger surprise, Xiaxue tweeted me back.

@sm0ng time to share the article. Goliath commands you to. 😄
— ♥‿♥ Xiaxue ★彡 (@Xiaxue) March 15, 2015

@sm0ng I have printed out that cartoon of me looming over enemies and sent it to ICA to replace my IC photo but ICA rejected it.
— ♥‿♥ Xiaxue ★彡 (@Xiaxue) March 15, 2015

This is getting awkward.

The "Goliath" thing is a reference to how I described her in my not-so-flattering New Paper column about her. The cartoon she mentioned is the one drawn by a New Paper artist to illustrate the column.

You know, when I write my "funny" column about local personalities such as Xiaxue, Glenn Ong and Baey Yam Keng, I like to pretend that no way they would read it. Lately, it's getting harder to keep up that pretence.

Glenn Ong has tweeted me. I went running with BYK. And now Xiaxue is following me on Twitter.

So, so, so awkward.

How did I get dragged into this?

I dragged myself into this.

Now how do I drag myself out?

Anyone got a slingshot?

Where's SMRT Ltd (Feedback) when you need them?

Oh yah, Xiaxue filed a Protection Order against them.

IT Show photos from my Narrative Clip yesterday.

It wouldn't be an IT show without someone shoving a flyer into your hand.

I was there mostly to check out the earphones.

Testing some earphones with Emotional Rescue by the Rolling Stones on my iPhone.

If you have time after The IT Show at Suntec, you should check out the Dinosaur Balloon Extravaganza at nearby Marina Square. It looks like fun. Get there before the air runs out.

Oh my Gush.

I received an e-mail notification from Twitter that I had a new follower last week.

While that alone is unusual since it happens about as rarely as my haircuts, it was the identity of my new follower that was startling.

The subject line of the e-mail was:

“♥‿♥ Xiaxue ★彡 (@Xiaxue) is now following you on Twitter!”

And if that wasn’t alarming enough, the e-mail also contained the Twitter profile picture of the heavily made-up “celebrity” blogger with flowers in her long fuchsia hair, looking like a cross between a plastic anime doll and a sinister Greek nymph.

Beneath the disconcerting photo are the words, “Bitching now comes in bite-sized pieces.”

Alamak. This is going to be awkward.

I quickly reread my old columns to see if I had written anything bitchy about her.

In December, I wrote that Wendy Cheng is “better known as Xiaxue, which she says means ‘snowing’, but could also be read as ‘sia suay’, which in Hokkien means something she probably doesn’t intend”.

According to the authoritative Coxford Singlish Dictionary, “sia suay” is Hokkien for “to embarrass”.

That’s not so bad, is it?

So what if after that article came out, someone in the Hardware Zone forum started a thread called “SM Ong say Xiaxue can also be called as Sia Suay” (sic)?

That was not what I said at all. Those irresponsible netizens, they just like making stuff up, like that fake Prime Minister’s Office announcement.

Anyway, Sia Suay... I mean, Xiaxue became my Twitter follower last Sunday.

That was a day after the fun-size Nuffnang influencer unleashed her “Big Gushcloud Exposé 2”, which led eventually to an apology from the Group CEO of Singtel, which also “terminated the services” of the subject of Xiaxue’s big two-part exposé, Gushcloud.

The smoking gun is a leaked Gushcloud brief instructing its bloggers to complain about Singtel’s competitors, M1 and StarHub, and “drive sign-ups” for Singtel’s new Youth Plan.

At first, Gushcloud shrugged off the incriminating brief in a Facebook post:

“The brief is not meant to be read in isolation without the full context and verbal briefings given by Gushcloud. Singtel’s brief for the campaign was to focus on key differentiators in the services and strengths. We apologise for any misunderstanding.”

Then as if to show that it’s really no big deal, Gushcloud added:

“Now back to the planning for August’s extra long weekend!”

Singtel also went into denial mode at first:

“Singtel wishes to clarify that it did not issue the brief… It is not our practice to run negative campaigns against any individual or organization. This is not the way we manage our marketing promotions.”

That turned out to be not so true days later when Singtel group CEO Chua Sock Koong apologised:

“We regret that a Singtel employee who worked on this campaign did not adhere to our professional standards and values.”

Gushcloud CEO Vincent Ha also posted a mea culpa of sorts on Facebook, this time without any mention of planning for the long National Day weekend, but he still couldn’t resist a swipe at my new fuchsia-haired Twitter follower.

Mr Ha wrote:

“We have let our influencers and our client down...

“That being said, we do not condone the actions of Ms Wendy Cheng, because we feel it has done far more harm than good to our industry.”

In other words, I think what Mr Ha means is that Xiaxue had “sia suay” their industry.

Well, of course, you don’t condone the actions of Ms Cheng – she just got a major client to fire your ass!

You know the viral video of the rude taxi passenger verbally abusing the taxi driver that was uploaded by the cabby’s daughter?

Imagine if the passenger apologised for his abusive behaviour, then added:

“That being said, I do not condone the actions of the taxi driver’s daughter, because I feel it has done far more harm than good to the image of rude taxi passengers.”

But while the cabby’s daughter has been lauded for highlighting the abuse that taxi drivers like her father often suffer, it seems to me that Xiaxue has not been given enough credit for highlighting the abuse that Singtel’s competitors suffered from Gushcloud’s bloggers.

In fact, if you couldn’t stand Xiaxue before, you probably can’t stand her even more now that she managed to get the Group CEO of the country’s largest telco to beg for forgiveness.

If Xiaxue’s head was too big for her micro-body before, her bright-coloured hair-covered head should be even bigger now.

Speaking of her size, in the earlier column, I also wrote:

“Such is Xiaxue’s intimidating stature in the blogosphere that despite her under-1.5m frame, she’s the Goliath in her online brawl with Gushcloud, even though she is just one person against a whole company.”

Except unlike in the Bible, in this case, Goliath won.

I think I’ll tweet that.

- Published in The New Paper, 22 March 2015

EARLIER: How Xiaxue made Roy Ngerng look good

From Salleh's collection:

LKY the meme:

The final images of Lee Kuan Yew:

Weird that during his announcement about LKY's death, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong never acknowledged that LKY was his father. The PM just kept saying "Mr Lee Kuan Yew" like it was crutch.

If the forced formality was to help the haggard-looking PM Lee keep his anguish in check, he was betrayed by the heart-breaking pause in the middle of his Mandarin speech (2:50 in the video).

I don't think anyone would begrudge PM Lee if he said at the end, "Goodbye, Papa."

EARLIER: Star Trek's shout-out to Lee Kuan Yew

In his message on the passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew, President Tony Tan said: "Yesterday, we lost the founding father of Singapore."

In Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong's address to the nation, he said: "The first of our founding fathers is no more."

An earlier statement from the Prime Minister's Office said: "The Prime Minister is deeply grieved to announce the passing of Mr Lee Kuan Yew, the founding Prime Minister of Singapore."

So far in three different official statements, LKY has been described three different ways:
The founding father of Singapore
The first of our founding fathers
The founding Prime Minister of Singapore

Although they sound similar, each has a different meaning. The one thing they have in common is the buzzword "founding".

Before I go further, I want to make clear that I'm not here to argue about the achievements of LKY (many are already doing that), but to discuss the possible misuse of the word "founding".

So is LKY really the "founding father" of Singapore?

Weren't we taught in school that Singapore was founded by Sir Stamford Raffles and hence there's a hotel and an MRT station named after him?

Well, you may argue that LKY is actually the founding father of "modern" Singapore. People just leave out the word "modern" for brevity.

But then I found this passage in the Singapore Tourism Board website, YourSingapore.com:

Modern Singapore was founded in the 19th century, thanks to politics, trade and a man known as Sir Thomas Stamford Raffles.

So Raffles was already the founder of "modern Singapore". Can there be more than one founder of "modern Singapore" from different eras?

If not, can we call LKY the "founding Prime Minister of Singapore" then?

That just sounds weird. Can't we just call him the "first Prime Minister of Singapore", which is wholly accurate, although it probably doesn't have enough gravitas for some people?

I understand the desire to express the vastness of the contributions LKY made to the development of the country that to describe him as a mere office-holder (even if it's the Prime Minister's Office and he's the first one to hold that office) doesn't do him justice.

And so we come up with an awkward term like "founding Prime Minister" or rewrite history by calling LKY the "founding father of Singapore".

It's as if throwing in the word "founding" would make LKY sound more impressive. That's like bringing water to the Pacific Ocean.

Somewhere Raffles must be feeling indignant: "Hey, I thought I was the founding father of Singapore!"

After Mr Lee Kuan Yew's death on Monday, the organisers of the 2XU Compression Run posted this on Facebook:

In light of the passing of the founding Prime Minister of Singapore, Mr. Lee Kuan Yew, an official announcement will be...
Posted by 2XU Compression Run on Sunday, March 22, 2015

The run was scheduled to take place on Sunday, but that turned out to be also the day of the funeral.

What should the organisers do? Should they call off the run out of respect of LKY?

There could also be logistical issues since roads have to be closed for the run and the funeral.

But what about foreign runners who had already booked accomodations and flights to Singapore for the run?

I had also signed up for the run.

Some suggested that since the event shirt is black anyway, the run could be turned into a tribute to Mr Lee.

I actually thought that was a good idea, especially after the call to get 5 million people to wear black on Sunday to mourn for LKY went viral.

Picture thousands of black-wearing runners going the distance in memory of Mr Lee on the morning of his funeral. The shirt colour, the timing and the symbolism couldn't be more perfect.

But I figured the organisers needed to get some form of official blessing to make it a legitimate tribute, like, say, from Mr Lawrence Wong, who heads the Ministry for Culture, Community and Youth, which looks after sports.

But on Tuesday, the organisers wisely decided to postpone the event:

After serious consideration, we have decided to postpone this Sunday's run because it will coincide with the state...
Posted by 2XU Compression Run on Tuesday, March 24, 2015

What I find odd is that if you don't wish to participate in the rescheduled run, the organisers won't give you a refund, but you'll get the 21km finisher T-shirt – despite not running a single metre. That doesn't seem right to me.

At least the organisers didn't arbitrarily turn their run into some LKY thing, unlike one Minister of State, whose Facebook post I've embedded below:

In the Crossfit community, they named workouts after heroes. A practice I thought is rather meaningful especially for...
Posted by Teo Ser Luck on Monday, March 23, 2015

But Mr Teo Ser Luck wasn't the only one criticised for his unconventional LKY commemmoration. BreakTalk ended up apologising for its #RememberingLKY "commemorative" bun.

We would like to convey our deepest apologies with regard to the commemorative bun #rememberingLKY which was introduced...
Posted by BreadTalk® Singapore on Wednesday, March 25, 2015

At what point does an LKY tribute become inappropriate or, worse, exploitative?

Or just plain silly?

Tuesday was Gurmit Singh's birthday. So he decided to "dedicate" his birthday to LKY:

I dedicate my birthday today to the late Mr Lee Kuan Yew. Because of him, I'm privileged to have this day in a safe and stable home. Forever grateful to him. #rememberingleekuanyew #ripleekuanyew #gs50 #sg50 @somestimes @e11107 @straits_times
A photo posted by Gurmit (@gurmitgurmit) on Mar 23, 2015 at 9:39pm PDT

Wait, since when can you dedicate your birthday to someone else? I know he means well, but really?

And one guy turned his hot car into an LKY tribute on wheels.

I think it's a Lotus. Now that's a fast and furiously big fan of LKY.

And then there are the LKY T-shirts for sale online.

$16.90 at thevigilanteh.com/shop/

$25 at lkytshirt.wix.com/lkytshirt

$29.90 at sgwhitemarket.com

Like the 2XU Compression Run finisher tee, you don't have to run a half marathon to get these shirts.

Exploitative?

Ask BreadTalk.

Unlike many Singaporeans it seems, I'm not a big queuer. No queueing for multiple hours for Hello Kitty or iPhones for me.

So early yesterday morning, when I read that the queue starting at the Padang to pay respect to Mr Lee Kuan Yew had been reduced to 30 minutes, I thought, hey, if Stefanie Sun could do it...

Of course I knew that by the time I got to the Padang, it would probably be longer than 30 minutes, but it shouldn't be too bad.

The moment my wife and I stepped out of City Hall MRT station some time past 2pm yesterday, we saw people joining a long queue outside St Andrew's Cathedral. I assume it had to be The Queue.

It helped that there was a young girl holding up a sign that said "Queue starts here".

It didn't help that she looked a bit frazzled and was relieved to see a bunch of navy guys in uniform behind us.

She quickly went to them and asked, "Are you here to help?"

The navy guys looked confused. "Help what?" one of them asked, although it was pretty obvious to me why she needed help.

"Help manage the queue," said the girl.

The navy guy said, "No, we're here to pay our respects to Lee Kuan Yew."

Those must be the saddest words the girl had ever heard in her life. To say she was crestfallen would be an understatement.

I thought the navy guys might step up and save the damsel in distress by helping the poor girl with The Queue anyway, but I guess they wouldn't know what to do themselves. The crush of people was just overwhelming.

Meanwhile. as she was talking to the navy guys, people who had just arrived were wondering about the sign she was still holding up. Someone asked, "Does The Queue start here?"

No, it didn't. People had already queued up behind the navy guys. The sign was a lie.

After she realised the navy guys weren't the saviours she was hoping for, she left to find the real start of The Queue, I assumed.

Not a very reassuring beginning to my queueing experience, but at least I was now mentally prepared for more queue mismanagement.

I started the digital stopwatch on my iPhone.

The Queue moved in stops and starts. This could be because we had to cross a road and wait for the light to change.

The Queue then went underground into the Esplanade MRT station and back out again.

Along the way, we were offered umbrellas and bottled water by different people. At the Padang, we got cake from BreadTalk (to make up for its earlier faux pas perhaps?).

We were stuck at the Padang for a long time. More than hour in, I considered quitting The Queue. Despite the tents, the afternoon heat was getting to me.

More importantly, I needed to pee very badly. There were no Porta-Pumpers at the Padang.

One happy surprise was I saw an old NS friend, Patrick, there. He was on duty as an SCDF volunteer paramedic.

A former naval diver, Patrick was the guy who went on a rant against Jack Neo's frogmen movie I wrote about in my column last year.

He came to talk to me, but before I could say a single word, he was called away because of a casualty.

I later saw him stretchering a woman to the first aid tent. It was a reminder to keep hydrated. The problem was the more you drink, the more you may need to pee.

Fortunately, after we moved out of the mini tent city at the Padang, a row of Porta-Pumpers awaited. I eventually figured out how to use one.

After relieving myself, I felt like I could go on for a couple more hours in The Queue.

We got to the river and a boat with a picture of LKY went by. How fitting.

From across the river, we heard cheers from the Boat Quay bars. I believe the cheers were for the India-Australia cricket game going on at the time. India eventually lost the World Cup semi-final.

After the Asian Civilisations Museum, we reached a long white tent where a sign said: "Waiting time from this point: 30 minutes." Almost there!

We could see the back of the statue of the other "founding father" of Singapore, Sir Stamford Raffles, under renovation.

A woman in front of me who had been carrying flowers for LKY for over two hours had them unceremoniously taken away.

After seeing piles of umbrellas in the tent, another woman tried to return her umbrella but was refused.

Scanners!

Parliament House! Finally!

I don't think regular folks like us would get to visit Parliament House any other time and thus all the photo-taking.

Put away your cameras, we're going in!

Once we stepped into the air-conditioned Parliament House, the cold was a welcome relief.

We were told to keep moving and I barely got a glimpse of what I queued up three hours for because of all the people. I was almost run over by a guy in a wheelchair.

And before I knew it, I was on my way out.

Outside, there was a queue to get out of the area and another queue of people waiting to go in. I believe the latter was the priority queue.

It seemed to me that with people in wheelchairs, the elderly and parents with small children, the priority queue moved more slowly than the regular queue.

I checked my stopwatch. I had been in The Queue for more than 3 hours and 10 minutes.

That was quite a lot longer than 30 minutes.

I didn't get to do much inside Parliament House with my few seconds before Mr Lee. I didn't even have time to bow and I don't believe in prayer. I actually considered saluting, but my hair was too long.

If I had lingered a little longer in front of the coffin, I felt like I might've burst into tears. So maybe it was a good thing the guy in the wheelchair came along.

I guess in the end, my time in The Queue was my tribute to LKY.

All 370 minutes of it.

I hope the poor girl with the "Queue starts here" sign found someone to rescue her.

EARLIER: Is there a wrong way to pay tribute to Lee Kuan Yew?

White? Black? What's in a colour?Just wear your heart on your sleeve.I for one believe that even as we mourn and...
Posted by Tan Chuan-Jin on Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Pro-black:

Pro-white:

Not sure:

Cliche of the day:

The sky cried with us pic.twitter.com/dqgXlXzucg
— Seogeneration (@Seogeneration11) March 29, 2015

The nation and sky cried for Mr Lee Kuan Yew. #ThankYouLKY
— Jeff (@dnshrstno) March 29, 2015

it seems that even Singapore's sky cried for the loss of LKY today.
— Angelica Dominique (@anjellycax) March 29, 2015

Even the sky cried for you. #thankyouleekuanyew #nothingwithoutYEW
— ԵɧɿՐԾՏɧԹ™ (@thirosha_) March 29, 2015

Even the tears falling from the sky #RIPLeeKuanYew
— #jonghyun (@eugeniacjy) March 29, 2015

Today the world cried at the lost of a great man, the sky too. #GoodByeLKY
— SimplyNS (@SimplyNS) March 29, 2015

Even the sky cried for you, Mr Lee. This is how important you are to all of us. #RIPLKY
— xinyii (@xinyiicheh_) March 29, 2015

Even the sky shed tears for Mr. Lee's farewell. Thank you bringing us together and for a great nation #RememberingLeeKuanYew#LeeKuanYew
— Sugunesh (@Nesh7290) March 29, 2015

Even the sky cried for him. Singaporeans from all walks of life gathering at the side of the roads,… https://t.co/Mgdmp8ZfUN
— Sheryl.Y ❁ (@whatsupsheryl) March 29, 2015

Even the sky cried for the legend #LKYRIP #LKY #respect #saluteLKY
— M O N K E Y B H A I (@Devanmonkey) March 29, 2015

50 years ago, you cried for Singapore. 50 years today, the sky and Singaporean cry for you. #RememberingLeeKuanYew pic.twitter.com/zDgsE9umG2
— 아그네스 (AgneS) (@agnestan77) March 29, 2015

The sky, the country, the people weep for you today Mr Lee. Farewell and thank you.
— JianHao F² Tan (@thejianhaotan) March 29, 2015

Even the sky shed tears for Mr. Lee. #raining
— 장한빈 MR. BIN (@jacktiew_hanbin) March 29, 2015

On the last day of mourning, even the sky sheds tears. Thanks for being relentless in your endeavor… https://t.co/SemFKH8OzQ
— Raffles Chan (@TheOneChan) March 29, 2015

Once upon a time u weep for the Nation, Now the sky & nation weeps for YOU. #SALUTE #LEGEND #Bye #LeeKuanYew #RIP♡
— #ImBeardHunk (@_SugenHomiez_) March 29, 2015

#RIPLKY we cried a river, so is the sky 😭
— 琳 (@_weilinnx) March 29, 2015

50 years ago he cried for this nation. 50 years later, the nation and the sky cries for him.
— Melissa (@ConstantDream13) March 29, 2015

On our first national day the sky shed tears of joy. And today the sky is shedding tears of sorrow! pic.twitter.com/FBmNt6Yoel
— Just Viknes (@JustViknes) March 29, 2015

LKY died ,even the sky cried
— Lee (@AotuLee) March 29, 2015

even the sky cried for us #RIPLKY
— fira | zayn :( (@livelikeharry) March 29, 2015

The sky cried hard at the departure of a great man. #goodbyeLKY
— Ernz Lim (@ErnzLim) March 29, 2015

2 years ago, we (your friends) shed the same tears for you and the sky cried for you too. Soon you'll meet him in heaven.
— Y3N1 (@redtelyfoneboof) March 29, 2015

It's raining heavily today because the sky is shedding tears for the final precession coupled with chants of LKY 😭#RememberingLeeKuanYew
— Aphrodite ❤ (@andrea_nonymous) March 29, 2015

50 years ago, he cried for the nation. 50 years ltr, the nation cried for him, the world cried for him & the sky cried for him. #LeeKuanYew
— evaaa ☺ (@silvershimmery_) March 29, 2015

today, the whole of singapore and even the sky cried for the last farewell to our great leader. tears… https://t.co/PWXJhSja9d
— ting (@_changting_) March 29, 2015

The sky mourns and sheds its tears as we say goodbye to Mr. Lee Kuan Yew.
— L.A. Rabago-Celino (@elle_eigh) March 29, 2015

The sky rains so we can conceal the tears in our eyes. Mr Lee is watching from above. #RememberingLeeKuanYew
— APRIL 石蕊 (@aprilshirui) March 29, 2015

the rain is our tears the sky is crying for us #RememberingLeeKuanYew
— Carissa Caitlin (@heyitscarissaxx) March 29, 2015

The sky cried for joy on the first NDP and now it's crying with us on this day
— clara (@arockettothesky) March 29, 2015

the sky is definitely crying for Mr Lee and all these rains represent all the Singaporean tears.
— 아르야니 (@DatSexayBiebs) March 29, 2015

Singaporeans cried for the past 5 days over the loss of our great leader.. now even the sky's crying..
— ★σωℓιтε★ (@0wlite) March 29, 2015

The last day.. Goodbye, Mr Lee Kuan Yew #LKY. Our last journey with you. The sky has cried for us,… https://t.co/otb8kjWtYg
— Eunice Ng (@nezzdcom) March 29, 2015

Even the sky "cried" for Mr Lee's funeral…
— Forever Alone~ (@tatsomeone) March 29, 2015

And the sky finally cried on Mr Lee Kuan Yew's funeral wake.
— Sheemz (@sheema_laya) March 29, 2015

People weep, sky weeping. #RememberingLKY
— ephram (@ephram_) March 29, 2015

Even sky cried the whole day for the departure of lky 💦💦
— carolRR_ (@CarolLin520) March 29, 2015

he cried for us we cried for him and now even the sky is crying with us over him
— Jozoe ⚜ (@hatterings) March 29, 2015

the skies cried for him when he was first appointed as sg's 1st PM. and the sky cried again for him to send him off for the last time.
— king jun (@m00nbins) March 29, 2015

连老天爷都感动了… u made all of us cried including the sky 😥😢
— June Ng (@June_Nwc) March 29, 2015

And I wondered which was more numerous : the tears from the nation's eyes, or the rain that fell from the sky. #RIPLKY
— Mark Kon (@FarhaKon) March 29, 2015

The sky cried for LKY .... #RememberingLKY
— キュートでファンシー. (@VIANNN__) March 29, 2015

Even the sky weep 4u .u r amazing ,the founding father of Spore #LKY
— alibaba (@toukou) March 29, 2015

Sky just cried for LKY
— Ng Phong Su (@nommyvore) March 29, 2015

Some even see LKY in the sky...

The Straits Time report: 'Even the sky is crying': Sombre mood as Mr Lee Kuan Yew makes final journey across Singapore

WATCH: Amos Yee, who made an insensitive YouTube video on Christianity and late Mr #LeeKuanYew, in court with his parents today. http://cna.asia/19D6oWu
Posted by Channel NewsAsia Singapore on Monday, 30 March 2015

Sometimes, you should heed the meme.

I queued for more than three hours to pay respects to Mr Lee Kuan Yew at the Parliament House two Thursdays ago.

Sure, some reportedly queued up to 11 hours, but this is not a competition, okay?

It was long enough that I had to pee and figure out how use a Porta-Pumper.

But I couldn’t find any instructions inside the portable toilet. What to do?

There were other queuers needing to relieve themselves and I didn’t want to keep them waiting.

Yet I also didn’t want to leave the toilet for the next person to find my urine unflushed.

I blamed myself getting into this dilemma. Who asked me to drink so much water on that hot Thursday afternoon?

Wait, what are these black round things on the floor?

I stepped on a round thing and my pee was magically replaced by a sweet-smelling blue liquid. The round thing was a foot pump of some kind.

I also discovered that if I stepped on the other pump, I could turn on the tap to wash my hand.

So that’s why it’s called a Porta-Pumper!

Wow, first the Internet and now this. Technology is so amazing.

And thus I survived my three-hour queue.

Who knew I would be queueing again to pay respects to another dead guy just eight days later?

And he wasn’t even the founding father of a nation. He was my actual father.

On Friday morning, I found myself in my sister’s car with her and our 70-something mother stuck in a traffic jam, waiting to get into the Choa Chu Kang Columbarium where my dad’s remains lay.

It’s Qing Ming again, that time of the year when my family and — judging by the clog of vehicles around us — many other Chinese families brave the traffic to make the pilgrimage to the columbarium and/or cemetery and burn stuff for our departed ancestors.

It also happened to be Good Friday, which, because of the traffic jam, was turning out to be a bad Friday for us.

My mother, my sister and I started blaming each other.

The day before, I had proposed heading out earlier specifically to avoid the holiday traffic, but my mother said no because my sister was unable to wake up so early in the morning.

My sister said my mother never asked her and she could’ve risen earlier if we had wanted her to.

And so the petty recriminations continued.

And it was all because of my father, dead for over 20 years and is still giving us grief.

There must be better ways to pay tribute to the deceased.

And certainly creating a BreadTalk bun is not one of them.

Neither is starting an online petition to declare the day the person died a public holiday as it may be accused of being a scam to collect people’s personal information.

As my sister’s Kia inched ever so slowly towards the columbarium gates, I realised I had just seen the ultimate tribute to a dead guy the day before.

It was called Fast & Furious 7.

One of the founding fathers of the fabulously profitable Fast & Furious film franchise, Paul Walker, died in a 2013 car accident before completing the latest sequel.

The movie was eventually finished with Walker’s brothers and another guy as stand-ins for the dead actor and some computer-generated necromancy. Talk about a resurrection.

Creepy?

A little.

Exploitative?

Well, despite star Vin Diesel mentioning Walker every chance he gets while promoting the movie, the producers at least had enough self-restraint not to call the sequel Fast & Furious 7: Watch How We Deal With A Major Cast Member’s Death.

I know that was why I wanted to see the movie.

That and the insane trailer where Diesel flies a car out of a high-storey window of a building into a high-storey window of another building.

In between ridiculously unsurvivable car crashes that our heroes manage to survive and too many leering close-ups of women’s bottoms in the movie, every line Walker’s character utters and other characters say about him seem to foreshadow his demise.

Oh no, his wife is pregnant again.

Oh no, this will be his last job before he retires.

Oh no, he’s going to fight Tony Jaa, the guy from the Ong-Bak movies.

Oh no...

But Walker’s final send-off in the movie is not what I expected. It’s surprisingly uplifting, almost to the point of being in denial.

The movie’s last shot is a bird’s eye view of two cars racing side by side and then one car splitting off to another road.

It’s like the drag race equivalent of the Singapore Air Force’s “missing man formation” aerial tribute planned for Mr Lee last Sunday but cancelled due to bad weather.

But Walker got his tribute — and what a blockbusting tribute it’s turning out to be over this Easter weekend.

‘Furious 7′ Racing Toward A $225M-$275M Global Opening http://t.co/GDPfeJO08N
— Deadline Hollywood (@Deadline) March 31, 2015

If only all our tributes could be massive box-office hits.

What’s next for the Fast & Furious franchise after Walker? Will a close family member take his place? At least Amos Yee didn’t make a YouTube video about him.

Meanwhile, sitting in the passenger’s seat of my sister’s second-hand 1,000cc Picanto, all I could do was fantasise about parachuting out of a cargo plane with my muscle car like the Fast & Furious gang into the Choa Chu Kang Columbarium.

Anything to get out of the Good Friday/Qing Ming traffic jam.

My mother said she needed to pee.

- Published in The New Paper, 5 April 2015

So the whole of Singapore is going crazy over this Navy meimei today. We also. Help Clarie Teo! Help!What do you...
Posted by KNN - Kaki News Network on Monday, April 6, 2015

Meet the star of Mindef's new video and the navy chiobu of the moment, ME1 Clarie Teo. (And not "Claire", as some, including myself, have misread her name.)

Another video of her when she was in Singapore Polytechnic.

Here are the many faces of RSN's latest weapon of recruitment:

Navy servicewoman Clarie Teo looking calm and composed during a rehearsal for SAF Day Parade 2013. #SAFpeopleFollow us on Instagram for more pictures!http://instagram.com/cybpioneer
Posted by cyberpioneer on Saturday, September 27, 2014

Posted by Republic of Singapore Navy on Friday, February 21, 2014

Posted by Republic of Singapore Navy on Monday, January 12, 2015

From Pioneer magazine:

From a convent school background where she hardly spoke to any guys to joining the (traditionally) male-dominated military, Military Expert (ME) 1 Clarie Teo's life took an about-turn when she made the unconventional decision to pursue Marine Engineering after her O levels.

She decided to join the Republic of Singapore Navy (RSN) during her first year in polytechnic. Recalling the week that final exams ended, she said: "I got a letter asking me to report for training the very next Monday! That's how efficient the Navy can be."

Being in the RSN is a challenge that ME1 Teo relishes. She recalled an incident when one of the frigate's engines heated up and had to be taken offline. In the meantime, the ship had to make do with power from the other three engines.

Together with the engineering department, she checked and rectified the fault - a clogged fuel filter - within the hour. "The rest of the ship's crew was quite amazed we did it so quickly."

On what she enjoys about being a sailor, she added: "Shipboard life is never relaxing but what I like is the team spirit and sense of family among the crew."

Singapore Polytechnic Buzz: The Female President

And yes, she has a boyfriend.

Ask her a question at ask.fm

Never mind its "funny" Avengers commercial, where does Subway get the (meat)balls to simply add bacon to a tuna melt and call it "Earth's mightiest combo"?

This is, at best, a hero sandwich.

It's no superhero sandwich, like the KFC Zinger Double Down from three years ago. In my book, that was truly "the mightiest burger ever assembled". (At least in Singapore.)

Now if Subway had made a meatball-tuna melt combo, that would be smashing.

Exelsior!

EARLIER: KFC Double Down - as bad for you as an underage hooker?

This month is the 28th anniversary of the publication of my one and only letter to the Singapore Armed Forces (SAF) monthly magazine, Pioneer.

I wrote it during my full-time national service about my experience as a recruit on Pulau Tekong.

My letter was published, somewhat edited, in the April 1987 issue. (Yes, I’m that old.)

Here’s an excerpt:

We were resting on Botak Hill, watching the sunset after a hard day of field training. From where we sat, we can see the Singapore shoreline.

As dusk fell, the mainland flickered into illumination with lights showing where our homes were. It was a magnificent sight, especially for ‘marooned’ recruits like us.

Just then, the silhouette of Lieutenant (LTA) Sudi, the most senior of our platoon commanders, motioned towards the lights. ‘Look at that, gentlemen,’ he said. ‘Isn’t that worth fighting for?’

It was a moment that aroused many mixed feelings in me.

Every Singapore male will spend the prime of his youth in the SAF.

He will be frustrated by things he thinks he can do nothing about. He will have to work with people whom he thinks are just as frustrated and discontented.

For all the bureaucracy, loss of some personal freedom, endless duties, daily area cleaning and things we have to do ‘for the sake of training’, we ask ourselves: ‘Is it really worth it?’

When LTA Sudi posed the question to the company that evening on Botak Hill, like good recruits, we replied in half-unison: ‘Yes, sir!’

We did not sound as convincing as we would have liked, for the answer can only be found deep in our hearts.

Sure, it gets a bit hackneyed with the “deep in our hearts” nonsense at the end, but overall, I thought I painted a pretty evocative word picture with that whole sunset, flickering lights and silhouette thing.

My letter impressed my Encik enough that after it was published, he was civil to me for about two days before he went back to treating me like the insubordinate private I was.

Unlike my column in The New Paper on Sunday, the letter ran in Pioneer without my gorgeous face next to it.

So unlike the lucky readers of The New Paper on Sunday, the unlucky readers of the magazine were deprived of enjoying my beautiful words along with my entrancing visage.

Who knows? If Pioneer had published a photo of me 28 years ago, I might have become as famous as Military Expert 1 (ME1) Clarie Teo became last week.

ME1 Teo, who is in the Republic of Singapore Navy (RSN), was featured on the back page of last month’s issue of Pioneer, but she went viral only after Cyberpioneer (the online version of Pioneer) uploaded a video of her and shared it on Facebook on Monday.

She even made the news in Hong Kong, Indonesia and Canada.

Citizen journalism website Stomp reported: “‘Chiobu’ Singapore navy girl becomes Internet hit — after appearing in Mindef video.”

Mothership.sg called the video the “ultimate recruitment bait video” for RSN. This led to some criticism online that the “recruitment ad” was resorting to “sex appeal to attract men to join the navy”.

As a former navy man, I’m offended by this criticism.

Hey, the navy doesn’t need a 72-second video of a “chiobu” to entice guys to sign up.

We already have a feature-length movie for that. It’s called Ah Boys To Men 3: Frogmen. Heard of it?

The thing is, I don’t even think ME1 Teo’s video was ever meant to be a recruitment ad.

In fact, she has stated quite emphatically on her Dayre blog: “I’m not the Navy Poster Girl. Once again, Cyberpioneer magazine.”

Meaning she was just featured in the magazine as have many other individuals in the armed forces — and not chosen to be the face of RSN. At least not yet.

It's like mistaking my 1987 Pioneer letter for a recruitment ad for the army.

In February, another navy “chiobu”, Captain Marilyn Sim, was featured in Cyberpioneer with the accompanying makeover video et al, but because she didn't go viral, no one mistook her for the Navy Poster Girl.

Before that, “chiobu” of varying chio-ness from other branches of Mindef also got the Cyberpioneer treatment.

Actually, if Cyberpioneer should be criticised for anything, it’s for being sexist by featuring so many “chiobu” like they’re The New Paper New Face finalists or something.

Who knew there are so many “chiobu” in the SAF?

Which, I guess, is the point of these magazine features — to show that there are so many “chiobu” in the SAF, so that you would want to join…

Ohhhhh, I see.

If only I were 28 years younger.

- Published in The New Paper, 12 April 2015

Cassandra Chiu, 35, has resigned from her part-time position as the Guide Dogs Association of the Blind's (GDAB) clients...
Posted by The New Paper on Thursday, April 16, 2015

So a blind woman named Cassandra Chiu has been in the news recently with her guide dog, Esme.

But how exactly do you pronounce "Esme"?

In this first video, it sounds like "Asthma".

Here, it sounds like "Assm".

This video can't make up its mind. It's either "Ass-mee" or "Assm".

This one sounds the best, "Ass-may".

In this video, the narrator pronounces it as "Ass-may" too.

Ms Chiu herself pronounces it as "Ass-may".

According to Wikipedia, Esme is a masculine name but can also be short for Esmerelda, a feminine name, which adds to the confusion, as it's pronounced differently depending on the gender.

If it helps, Esme the guide dog is female.

By the way, Ms Chiu was the woman radio DJ Joe Augustine called an "asshole" on air last year. I believe we all know how to pronounce "asshole".

And in case you're wondering, Esme Bianco is an actress from Game Of Thrones.

She's no dog.

Dear SEA Games organisers,

So the countdown has begun to the opening of the 28th SEA Games in Singapore on June 5.

A long-time fan, I’m old enough to remember when they were called the Seap (for South-East Asian Peninsular) Games.

I thought changing the name to the SEA Games was confusing because not all the games are held at sea. Many are held on land.

I was very young then.

But young people are different now. My 16-year-old daughter, for instance. The only countdown she cares about at the moment is to the opening of Marvel’s Avengers: Age Of Ultron in the cinemas this Thursday.

Kids today — all they know are superheroes and whatever nonsense that’s going viral.

So I’ve been thinking, how can we get young people, like my daughter, to be more interested in the Seap Games, I mean, SEA Games?

Well, you know what they say, if you can’t beat them, join them.

Not that I’m suggesting we should introduce a new sporting event where our athletes battle super robots while levelling an entire city.

At least not until we get this whole artificial intelligence thing licked.

What I’m suggesting is that the SEA Games should go viral.

As in online, not Ebola.

For example, you know how the Internet went nuts last week trying to figure out when Cheryl’s birthday is, even though she’s clearly just trolling Albert and Bernard?

It was at first presented as a Primary 5 maths problem, but it was later revealed to be a question from the Secondary 3 and Secondary 4 Singapore and Asian Schools Math Olympiad (SASMO) contests held on April 8.

According to the SASMO Facebook page:

Being Question 24 out of 25 questions, this is a difficult question meant to sift out the better students. SASMO contests target the top 40 per cent of the student population and the standards of most questions are just high enough to stretch the students.

So it’s basically The Hunger Games for maths nerds.

Hey, if they can have a “Math Olympiad”, why don’t you have a “Math SEA Games”?

Instead of Cheryl, Albert and Bernard, you can have Siti telling Ah Boon and Bala separately the month and the day of her birthday respectively, then sit back and watch the world burn.

Actually, no one really needs to find out anyone’s birthday any more because Facebook will send you a notification.

Granted, a competition where school kids have their souls broken by difficult maths problems may not be the most live broadcast-worthy of spectator sports.

Fortunately, there are other ways to go viral, like with videos.

I saw your video for the official SEA Games song Unbreakable by former Singapore Idol finalist Tabitha Nauser.

It looks very nice. The video features such competitors as swimmer Joseph Schooling, bowler Jazreel Tan and silat champion Shakir Juanda.

But you know what’s missing from the video?

I mean, besides Nauser the singer?

Actor Chen Tianwen, star of the Unbelievable viral video.

And you know, instead of Unbreakable, what the song should be?

Unbelievable, the song that Chen sings in the Unbelievable viral video.

After all, both songs already have a one-word title that begins with the same three letters.

The difference is that your Unbreakable video has fewer than 200,000 views on YouTube since it was uploaded on April 9.

By contrast, the Unbelievable video has one million views on the Channel 5 Facebook page since it was posted on April 13.

Posted by MediaCorp Channel 5 on Wednesday, April 15, 2015

The video has been shared online so often that my wife’s friend threatened on Facebook: “Sorry, folks. I am intolerant of bad English and poor diction. Anyone who thinks that Unbelievable song is funny, I will unfriend you.”

That’s when you know you’ve made it — when people can’t stand you.

I guess what I’m saying is that you should adopt Unbelievable as an official SEA Games song. I believe it can work.

Unbreakable is the theme song for those who win in the SEA Games. Unbelievable is for those who lose because they will be “stunned like vegetable” as Chen sings in the video.

I understand that you may be reluctant to use my ideas because frankly, they’re kind of stupid.

But I have one last suggestion.

Why don’t you change the name back to the Seap Games?

It’s just so much more fun to say.

Yours sportingly,
S M Ong

It started with this Cyberpioneer Facebook post:

What does Military Expert (ME) 1 Clarie Teo enjoy, when she is not busy keeping ship engines running in tip top...
Posted by cyberpioneer on Sunday, April 5, 2015

Mothership.sg called it "the ultimate recruitment bait video".

Wanna join the navy? :-P
Posted by The Singapore Daily on Monday, April 6, 2015

It went viral and the idea that it's a recruitment ad stuck.

Here are some questions about the Singapore Navy's eyebrow-raising video.
Posted by Yahoo Singapore on Tuesday, April 7, 2015

As I've tried explain in my column, it was not intended as a recruitment ad.

That was over a week ago.

Then Alvinology posted this:

The Singapore Army fights back! Look! They have a pretty girl with a higher rank than the Navy's ME2 Clarie Teo!...
Posted by Alvinology on Saturday, April 18, 2015

Other sites followed suit:

The Singapore Army is having a go at it after the Navy pulled it off successfully.
Posted by Mothership.sg on Sunday, April 19, 2015

Move aside, ME1 Clarie Teo.
Posted by Yahoo Singapore on Sunday, April 19, 2015

At least it's an actual recruitment ad.

And so the social media-created charms race began.

ok now finally the airforce has answered the Navy and Army chiobu challenge. With this 8:49 2.4km. Will the Navy and...
Posted by KNN - Kaki News Network on Tuesday, April 21, 2015

So recently the Singapore Navy had started features: ME1 Clarie Teo, follow by Singapore Army, 2LT Joelle Cheong and...
Posted by Lovely Singapore on Tuesday, April 21, 2015

The Republic of Singapore Air Force is indeed above all.
Posted by Mothership.sg on Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Even the Home Team has been dragged into it:

Ok SAF do finish liao, its time for home team.What do you think? Leave a comment and let us know your thoughts! Please follow and support www.fb.com/knn.sg
Posted by KNN - Kaki News Network on Tuesday, April 21, 2015

And it all started with this non-recruitment ad:

ME1 Clarie Teo is just one of many women from Mindef who have been featured on the back page of Pioneer magazine. It's sort of like the magazine's centrefold but on the back page. And the models keep their clothes on.

Cyperpioneer then took it to the next level by producing the makeover videos.

Since we're so enamoured with women in the military at the moment, let's just get it all out of our system once and for all:

CPT Mailyn Sim May Rong, 25, Assistant Operations Officer, RSS Intrepid
Cyberpioneer, 27 Feb 2015

Wong Tien Kwan, 27, Total Defence Engagement Executive, Nexus
Cyberpioneer, 30 Jan 2015

CPT Katie Lin, 25, Staff Officer, Joint Operations Department
Cyberpioneer, 29 Dec 2014

CPT Joyce Xie, 31, Apache pilot, 120 SQN
Cyberpioneer, 29 Sep 2014

ME 2-1 Rain Teo, 26, Marine Engineering Specialist, RSS Intrepid
Cyberpioneer, 30 Jul 2014

Sally Xie, 23, Staff Officer, Human Resource Systems Department
Cyberpioneer, 24 Jun 2014

ME1-1 Latha Ramaya, 21, Navigation Specialist, RSS Tenacious
Cyberpioneer, 28 May 2014

Joy Wong, 26, Media Relations Officer, MINDEF Public Affairs
Cyberpioneer, 29 Jan 2014

Eliza Martoyo, 24, Asst Production Services Manager, SAF MDC
Cyberpioneer, 27 Dec 2013

CPT Vivien Lee Ying Na, 24, Platoon Commander, 48 SAR
Cyberpioneer, 26 Nov 2013

ME4 Olive Lim, 24, Medical Company Team OIC, Army Medical Training Centre
Cyberpioneer, 30 Jul 2013

Fiona Ang, Staff officer, Naval Personnel Department (NPD)
Cyberpioneer, 25 Jun 2013

ME1 Melissa Lim, 24, Navigation operator, RSS Dauntless
Cyberpioneer, 29 May 2013,

ME2 Joanne Tan, 31, Air Force engineer,
Air Engineering & Logistics sqn, UAV command
Cyberpioneer, 26 Mar 2013

LTA Nur Atiqah, 24, Platoon Commander, Officer Cadet School
Cyberpioneer, 30 Oct 2012

CPT Tong Wei Lynn, 1st Battalion, Guards
CyberpioneerTV, Oct 23, 2014

AND FINALLY...

Into the Fray - The Making of a Female Soldier
CyberpioneerTV, Jan 22, 2015

Dark armpits, average penis size and equal-opportunity body-shaming

Recapping the Green Corridor Run — or is it blue?

Risky business: Winning award leads to losing streak on the tracks forSMRT

My apologies to Vincent Ha and Goliath... I mean, Xiaxue

The IT Show 2015: Everything also SG50

Xiaxue gets Singtel & Gushcloud to apologise: 'More harm than good'?

Remembering LKY: Selected photos

Unfounded? I found the use of the word 'founding' floundering

Is there a wrong way to pay tribute to Lee Kuan Yew?

Umbrellas & tents: 3 hours 10 minutes in The Queue for Lee Kuan Yew

It's black, it's white, it's tough to get by

A lot of sky crying on Twitter for LKY

Amos Yee charged: Well, he WAS warned by LKY meme not to 'chibai'

Qing Ming: Queueing not the Fast & Furious way to pay tribute to the dead

This is ME1 Clarie Teo (The navy has changed a lot since my time)

Subway Avengers movie tie-in versus KFC Avengers movie tie-in: No fight

You know that 'chiobu' navy recruitment video? It's not a navy recruitment video

How do you pronounce the name of Cassandra Chiu's guide dog, Esme?

Oh, Cheryl! Un-Un-Unbelievable should be official theme song for SEA Games losers

Clarie, Joelle, Graci: Social media-created 'recruitment bait' arms race escalates