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Panda porn: 50 shades of black & white

April 25, 2015, 10:31 pm
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I felt like I needed a cigarette afterwards.

And I don’t even smoke. (Can you smoke a bamboo shoot?)

I haven’t seen such unabashed coverage of wild sex acts in mainstream media since the opening of the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie in February.



I’m no prude but I made it a point not to see the movie despite the hype. Actually, the hype kinda turned me off.

I mean, who does egotistical billionaire Christian Grey think he is anyway? Iron Man?



The only climax I would pay to see on the big screen is superheroes fighting robots in an orgy of CGI mayhem.

Fifty Shades Of Grey has been labelled as “mummy porn”, although I’ve yet to catch my mother guiltily reading the E.L. James novel or watching the movie on her tablet alone in the dark.



But last week, like Malcolm McDowell in the aversion therapy scene from A Clockwork Orange, all of Singapore was made to watch an even more deviant form of smut — panda porn.

We want to turn away, but we... just... can’t.

On Tuesday, photos and videos of pandas Kai Kai and Jia Jia attempting their first hook-up at River Safari were unleashed on the unsuspecting world.

Look at Kai Kai answering Jia Jia’s booty call.



Look at Kai Kai sniffing Jia Jia’s booty.



Look at Kai Kai climbing on top of Jia Jia.



Ewwwwww!

Why are we being inflicted with Fifty Shades Of Black And White?



Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS) could’ve at least rated those images PG for Panda Gross.

Why isn’t WRS going to court while eating a banana to face charges for the distribution of obscene material?



I found the images so beastly that I wished Ikea had offered discounted tickets for its Ikea Family members to view them so that I could boycott the Swedish company.

In case you didn’t get that reference, some people called for a boycott of Ikea last week after the furniture giant advertised that it’s offering discounted tickets to loyalty card members to a magic show featuring anti-gay pastor-magician Lawrence Khong.

I used to be an Ikea Family member. Now I just go there for the hotdogs and meatballs.

Speaking of hotdogs and meatballs, Kai Kai apparently didn’t know where his were because he didn’t manage to inseminate Jia Jia during that much photographed mating session.

The pandas must be as frustrated as Rui En at last Sunday’s Star Awards, where she won nothing.

“He just didn’t know what to do,” said Dr Cheng Wen-Haur, the chief life sciences officer at WRS, about Kai Kai. “I think he’s just too young. He’s just a boy.”

Hey, I’ve been there, Kai Kai. I was a boy once, too.



Dr Cheng explained that Kai Kai did not have any older pandas as “a role model” in captivity.

I suspect Kai Kai also didn’t have access to the Internet so that he could learn to how to make babies from online porn, uh... I mean, online sex education videos like the rest of us do.

So you can’t blame Kai Kai for having some performance anxiety.

I don’t need a doctorate from a degree mill to know that even I wouldn’t be able to finish the job if someone was taking pictures of me during my first time. I would be too worried about looking fat on camera to focus on inseminating my mate.

After Kai Kai’s failure to launch, it was decided that Jia Jia would be artificially inseminated as female pandas are fertile for only 24 to 36 hours a year.

Yes, there’s a video for that as well.



If only my wife and I had considered artificial insemination when we were trying to conceive our first child 19 years ago. She, too, only had a short time window every month when she was able to conceive, although it was days rather than hours.

My wife calculated when those days were and circled them on a calendar with a heart. On those “heart nights”, I was scheduled to inseminate her like a panda in a zoo.

Pressure? What pressure?

Unlike Kai Kai and Jia Jia, there were no cameras involved.

Today, the result of those “heart nights” is failing economics in junior college.

We don’t know yet if Jia Jia’s artificial insemination is successful. The earliest WRS can check for signs of embryo is three months later.

If she gives birth, I hope her offspring is better at economics than my son.

As for Kai Kai, maybe he can watch Fifty Shades Of Grey to pick up some moves for his future “heart nights”.

No, wait, the movie is rated R21. He’s only seven years old.

He could read the book instead.

- Published in The New Paper, 26 May 2015



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Amos Yee slapped, Twitter hits back

April 30, 2015, 8:11 pm
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Stupid guy who slapped Amos Yee.... He should realize that men NEVER hit girls
— seaninja(@seanhongw) April 30, 2015






Amos Yee should be arrested for dressing like an auntie instead
— Azlan(@AzlanAthni) April 30, 2015


so are people saying you can insult and bully amosyeeon social media (((also considered a huge slap btw))) and not slap him?? both same la
— hazel ◕‿◕ (@fyihazel) April 30, 2015




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Hi 5 to Wendy's & Popular! Have some Famous Amos cookies on me

May 2, 2015, 11:55 pm
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It’s no way to treat a child.

Sure, she has been used to sell square burgers and a different kind of “chili” that many Singaporeans may not be otherwise familiar with, but Wendy is still a child.

At least she’s still a child in the logo of the 45-year-old US fast food chain she’s named after. In real life, the daughter of Wendy’s founder Dave Thomas is now a well-fed 53-year-old redhead who is rarely photographed with ribboned braids.



Wendy’s first came to Singapore in the 80s, also known as the decade before the 90s.

I still have memories of being politely told by a Wendy’s manager to remove my feet from a chair at the Far East Plaza outlet when I was a teenager.

Being the petty, vengeful sort, I secretly hoped for the demise of Wendy’s in Singapore.

I got my wish a few years later.



Then, like an 80s movie remake nobody asked for, Wendy’s returned to our shores in December 2009 with an outlet at Lau Pa Sat, a gazetted national monument where you can enjoy such traditional local food as American hamburgers.

There were plans to open 35 Wendy’s outlets in Singapore over 10 years.

By 2012, you could get flatulence from Wendy’s All Beef Chili at 12 locations on the island.

There appeared to be no stopping Wendy’s — even after a flood or two.

In June 2010, the Liat Towers outlet, which had opened just days earlier, became a swimming pool when the mother of all storms hit Orchard Road.



After towelling off, the outlet reopened a month later.

A year later, the mother returned but this time, thanks to a $200,000 flood barrier installed after the earlier ponding, Wendy’s sustained minimal damage.

As if to say “You think your $200,000 flood barrier is going to stop me?”, the mother hit back even harder in December 2011 and once again, you could practise your backstroke at Liat Towers.



Perhaps it was a sign that the end was near — if “near” meant about four years later.

The Liat Towers Wendy’s outlet finally went under in February, but no ponding was involved.

Last week, Wendy’s reportedly closed its last remaining outlet in Singapore at the National University of Singapore.



And just like that, the comeback was over.

At least Wendy’s hung in there for more than five years. Other resurrected brands have fared worse.

Like Borders.



The first Singapore Borders bookstore opened in 1997 at Wheelock Place, coincidentally right next to Liat Towers. The Parkway Parade outlet came along 10 years later.

By 2011, the book was closed on both of them. Borders was dead.

Then two years later, the owners of Popular bookstore acquired the Borders brand so that they could open a bookstore at the new Westgate mall in Jurong East and put up a sign that said “Borders”.

I went there and it wasn’t Borders. It was basically Popular without the school assessment books.



After five months, it was changed to a Popular bookstore.

How? They just replaced the “Borders” sign with a “Popular” sign and brought in school assessment books.

Borders was dead. Again.

That was probably Popular’s most epic fail — until last week when the company tweeted a painstakingly composed photo that included a bag of Famous Amos cookies and a piece of paper with the drawn outline of an open hand and the word “Ouch!”.

Along with the photo, Popular tweeted: “Sorry you got slapped. Here, have some cookies on us! #FamousAmos for #AmosYee #Hi5toyourface.”

This is, of course, a reference to 16-year-old blogger Amos Yee being slapped by a stranger on the way to court on Thursday.

Popular has since removed the tweet and apologised after much criticism.

I’m surprised and puzzled by the tweet as it seemed so out of character and pointless.

I mean, when seafood restaurant Fish & Co got into trouble for its “Stay away from riot and eat Bombay fish and chips” ad after the Little India riot, it was promoting its fish and chips.

I’m not sure what Popular is promoting with its Amos Yee tweet. Cookies? Double entendres?

What if it was not a boy named Amos but a girl named Wendy who was slapped?

Would Popular tweet a photo of a Wendy’s Hot ‘N Juicy Cheeseburger instead?



Good luck finding one now.

- Published in The New Paper, 3 May 2015

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What is 'statutory class licence'? (Plus The Real Singapore's last front page?)

May 3, 2015, 10:07 am
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So Manny Pacquiao wasn't the only one who lost yesterday.



The Real Singapore website was no longer accessible yesterday after the Government said so.

Here is MDA's statement in full, which was released yesterday:

The Media Authority of Singapore ("MDA") has suspended the statutory class licence for Ai Takagi and Yang Kaiheng to operate the website www.therealsingapore.com ("TRS"), and other related computer on-line services such as the TRS Facebook Page, Twitter Page and mobile applications. The MDA is satisfied that Takagi and Yang have contravened the Internet Code of Practice (ICOP). They have published prohibited material as defined by the Code to be objectionable on the grounds of public interest, public order and national harmony.

The MDA has noted that TRS has deliberately fabricated articles and falsely attributed them to innocent parties. TRS has also inserted falsehoods in articles that were either plagiarised from local news sources or sent in by contributors so as to make the articles more inflammatory. At least two out of TRS’s three known editors are believed to be foreigners – Takagi is Australian, while another editor Melanie Tan is believed to be Malaysian. The foreign editors were responsible for several articles that sought to incite anti-foreigner sentiments in Singapore.

The MDA believes this editorial strategy of deceiving readers and doctoring articles was an attempt to increase traffic to TRS, and thus boost advertising revenue. In so doing, TRS, including its two foreign editors, were seeking to make profit at the expense of Singapore’s public interest and national harmony.

Previously, Takagi and Yang were out of the jurisdiction of the Broadcasting Act as they were running their operations from outside Singapore. However, since December, the two of them have been running their operations from Singapore, bringing them within the jurisdiction of the Broadcasting Act.

Most recently, the MDA notes that Takagi and Yang have been charged with seven counts of publishing seditious articles on TRS and the TRS Facebook page. They have also been charged with refusing to comply with written orders to produce documents considered by the police investigator to be necessary for the investigation. They have also refused to disclose how much advertising revenue they have been collecting. Further, TRS has continued to publish material that contravenes the ICOP even after Takagi and Yang were charged.

The MDA has notified Takagi and Yang to immediately stop posting any more articles on TRS and related services; and within six hours disable access to their website and related computer on-line services. Thereafter, they are not to resume operations under any other name. They have also been given seven days to provide information relating to TRS’s operations and to make representations as to why their class licence should not be cancelled.

My first reaction was, wow, I didn't know government agencies work on Sundays.

My second reaction was, what is the "statutory class licence"?

I didn't know TRS had a licence in the first place.

Under the licensing framework announced in 2013, the 10 websites that needed to register to get an individual licence were:
  • asiaone.com
  • businesstimes.com.sg
  • channelnewsasia.com
  • omy.sg
  • sg.news.yahoo.com
  • stomp.com.sg
  • straitstimes.com
  • tnp.sg
  • todayonline.com
  • zaobao.com

Since then, other websites like Mothership.sg and The Independent have been asked to register as well.

therealsingapore.com was not one of them.

Here's the thing: Under the 1996 Class Licence Scheme in the Broadcasting Act, websites that aren't required to register "are automatically class licensed".

Did you know this? I didn't know this.

I remember in 2013, many were protesting the new regulation that required certain news sites to register.

Now it seems that since 1996, all Singapore websites have been given this invisible class licence which MDA can suspend whether you have registered or not.

I guess the difference is if you register, you have to put up a $50,000 performance bond which you could lose if MDA doesn't like what you're doing.

Since TRS isn't registered, I'm surprised TRS was so compliant and shut down as it was told by MDA.

As recently as February, TRS was denying the allegations in The New Paper report.



And to whoever started the "Shut down TRS" online petition last year, well, you got your wish.

I, too, am not very happy with TRS for republishing a blog post of mine on its website without my knowledge.

But is TRS gone for good? Will there be a TRS Emeritus? Who knows?

If you need your fix for some anti-Government content, you can still go to TR Emeritus, The Online Citizen or the blog of my biggest fan, Andrew Loh.

In memory of TRS, below are screencaps of possibly its last front page yesterday (which you can view while playing The Way We Were to set the mood):











Fittingly, the last story at the bottom of the page is about Amos Yee, who like TRS, was told he couldn't post anything online any more.

But unlike TRS, Yee didn't comply.

BTW, since today is Star Wars Day, I want to say, "May the 4th be with you", but clearly, the Force is with MDA.



EARLIER:

What am I doing in The Real Singapore?

Singapore Internet regulation 1996-style

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MDA critics holding their noses while defending freedom of speech

May 6, 2015, 8:37 pm
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"I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it."
- Attributed to Voltaire, but first used by Evelyn Beatrice Hall, writing under the pseudonym of Stephen G Tallentyre in the book The Friends Of Voltaire (1906), as a summary of Voltaire's beliefs.



I've noticed an interesting trend in a few articles arguing against MDA shutting The Real Singapore (TRS) - the writers seem to feel the need to disclose that they're no fans of TRS.

From Alex Au:
I wish I could fill you in with a better description of TRS’ behaviour, but the fact is, I have not bothered to look at its articles for a very long time. I formed the opinion quite early on that it tended to engage in hyperbole and seemed to revel in intolerant speech. It was not worth my while to spend time on that site. From mentions by others on Facebook over the years, I believe my opinion is shared by many. People often criticised the site for its inaccuracies and exaggerations. I even remember an instance when someone urged a boycott.

From Kirsten Han
Let’s be clear: I detest The Real Singapore (TRS). Far from journalism, it has participated in rumour-mongering and the demonisation of groups of people, many already marginalised and stigmatised in society. If everyone in Singapore chose to stage a boycott of the site, or to write a public statement protesting its behaviour, I would be a most willing participant.

From The Online Citizen
Personally, I’m not a fan of TRS. I find their content laughable at best, and downright unsavoury at worst. I’m definitely not agreeable to how they source for their content. But what bugs me more than a website like TRS, which I can always ignore, is MDA’s rationale and standards for the action it has taken against TRS, which I definitely cannot ignore.

From Stuff About Singapore
Now, I’m no supporter of TRS. I think the articles it posts are stridently anti-foreigner, filled with falsehoods, and designed to mislead. I’ve also fallen victim to its questionable editorial tactics – when I was still chairperson of Raffles Press, TRS shamelessly took one of the editorials I wrote and re-posted it without my consent. It is not, by any measure, the voice of the average Singaporean.

Yes, these people are actually arguing AGAINST the shutting down of TRS.

But at least one blogger, Masked Crusader, made it a point to declare being a TRS fan:
I have enjoyed the eclectic fare—and surprises—on TRS and am not ashamed to say I miss it.
If only the blogger isn't "masked".

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Mummy! Jurong Point made me cry with its manipulative Mother's Day video

May 9, 2015, 11:19 pm
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The headline on my Facebook news feed last week said: “This viral Mother’s Day video by Jurong Point may leave you in tears.”

Another clickbait that could “leave me in tears”?

Haven’t I shed enough tears for you, Facebook?

My computer keyboard is already stained with so much body fluids. I don’t need more tears.

But like a Pavlovian human, I reflexively clicked on the clickbait headline and watched the video.

Happy Mother’s Day to all mothers here and abroad!Mothers are our patient teachers, our trusted confidantes, and our...
Posted by Lee Hsien Loong on Saturday, May 9, 2015


It showed shoppers at the mall being coaxed to call their mothers to say how much they appreciate their mums.

I’m such a sucker for this sort of thing that I immediately started tearing up once I heard the gentle acoustic guitar soundtrack.

By the end of the 190-second video of people saying “I love you” to their mothers, I cried more than when I watched Fast & Furious 7 last month.



I felt so manipulated.

Remember, this video was produced to promote a SHOPPING MALL.

And Mother’s Day is just this fake holiday manufactured to trick you into buying gifts for your mum and taking her out to eat at a SHOPPING MALL.

Then I watched the video a second time and cried all over again.

The video isn’t even promoting a mall in a fashionable area like Orchard Road or Marina Bay.

It’s in Jurong, which is in the unglam part of Singapore referred to in the West Sucks Stories Tumblr blog.

It’s not even one of the newer Jurong malls like JCube, Big Box, Westgate or the incident-prone Jem, the first place on Earth that will be destroyed once the apocalypse finally arrives.

It’s 20-year-old Jurong Point, which opened years before Amos Yee was even born.

But with the success of the Mother’s Day video — it was so popular it was shared by both Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong and former megatroll SMRT (Feedback) Ltd — the Jurong area seems to be on a roll lately.

*ring* *ring*"Hello Ma, how are you?""Ah? Why? You something wrong ah?"Grab the phone and surprise your mum. They...
Posted by SMRT Ltd (Feedback) on Wednesday, May 6, 2015


On Tuesday, it was announced that the Singapore-Kuala Lumpur High Speed Rail terminal station would be in Jurong East (as if the Jurong East MRT station isn’t overcrowded enough during rush hour).

This comes after Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong announced plans for a new Jurong Lake Gardens in last year’s National Day Rally speech.

The new Genting Hotel Jurong opened at Jurong Town Hall Road last month. The new Ng Teng Fong General Hospital will open in Jurong East at the end of next month.



The Straits Times speculated: “Who is to say Jurong East won’t be a city centre of the future? In fact, by the time the line is up and running (possibly nearer to 2030 than 2020), the entire Jurong Lake District might rival Singapore's present downtown.”

More importantly, The New Paper ran an article online unsarcastically headlined “Six reasons why Jurong is cooler than you think.”

The reasons include an ice-skating rink, Singapore Science Centre and Jurong Bird Park.

Take that, West Sucks Stories!



If I seem a little defensive about Jurong, well, that’s because when I think of Jurong, I think of my mother.

And it’s not just because of the Mother’s Day video by Jurong Point.

I lived in the area for more than 10 years before moving to Choa Chu Kang in the late 90s after I got married.

But my mother and sisters still live in Jurong. So I still feel attached to the place. In a way, you can call Jurong my motherland.

I wish I could take my mother out for a meal at Jurong Point for Mother’s Day, but she’s in Singapore General Hospital after a knee operation on Thursday.

I visited her in the evening after her surgery and basically spent 20 minutes watching her vomit into a barf bag — apparently the side effect of anaesthesia mixed with morphine.

It was a long way from the Jurong Point video.

Maybe a gentle acoustic guitar soundtrack would’ve helped. Or at least cover up the wretched sound of my mother regurgitating the contents of her stomach.

I guess I should visit her again today, you know, especially since it’s Mother’s Day and all that.

Or can I just call her on the phone like those people in the video?

That should leave someone in tears.

- Published in The New Paper, 10 May 2015

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Dick Lee's new NDP song for SG50 rhymes 'core' with Singapore

May 11, 2015, 1:04 am
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Last year, no new official NDP song was written for National Day.

Two possible reasons:

First, organisers were burned by the reaction to the previous year's song, One Singapore, which set a new standard for NDP song hate.



Second, they wanted to save it for this year's big SG50 celebrations.

Well, here is the official NDP song for SG50 called Our Singapore by Dick Lee.




So far, the online reaction to the song has been mostly negative, though not as bad as it was in 2013.










From JJ Lin's "Oh yeah, oh yeah" (YOG song), to last last year's NDP song's "Oh-oh-oh-oh", to this year's "...
Posted by The New Era on Friday, May 8, 2015


Singaporeans just want to sing Home
Posted by New Nation on Saturday, May 9, 2015


Lee himself has said that he has resisted writing another NDP song because he didn't want it compared with his ever popular Home, which is exactly what is happening.

For many Singaporeans, no new NDP song will ever be as good as Home.



Personally, I think Home is overrated. It's just another lyrically-awkward Dick Lee dirge that struck a chord with Singaporeans when it was introduced at a particular time in our nation's history in 1998.

I've always been irritated by the line "This is home, truly".

"Truly"? As opposed to what? "This is home, maybe"?



When people talk about how much they prefer Home and other "classic" NDP songs like We Are Singapore, I believe it's more due to nostalgia than the quality of the songs itself.

So, of course, Lee's new song, Our Singapore, never stood a chance. You can't fight sentiment.

That said, for a song composed specifically for SG50, Our Singapore is especially disappointing.

It's another lyrically-awkward Dick Lee dirge.

The most memorable part of the song is the "oh oh oh" part. Unfortunately, it reminds me of the "oh oh oh" part in the 2013 NDP song, One Singapore, which everybody hated (except me).

There's also some historical inaccuracy in the first line "It isn't easy building something out of nothing" which implies that Singapore was "nothing" in 1965.

I mean, some have already criticised the "swamp to skyscrapers" narrative in the telling of Singapore's modern history. So to suggest that Singapore was "nothing" 50 years ago is an abuse of poetic licence.

But for me, the worst part of the song is where Lee rhymes "A land to treasure right down to the core" with "Our home, our heart, our Singapore".

It's repeated a couple of times because it's part of the 'core'-us. Get it?

But what's this "core" anyway?

Is it a reference to the "Singaporean core" in the Population White Paper?

Or just another lazy rhyme?

I thought the idea is to NOT chase Singaporeans out of Singapore during the four-day Golden Jubilee weekend.

This song ain't gonna help.




EARLIER: We don't have a new NDP song to kick around anymore
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In tweets: Amos Yee 'molested', media trolled, saga continues

May 13, 2015, 7:35 am
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Carl's Jr's 'Everybody loves big breasts' ad sexist? Look at its otherads

May 14, 2015, 8:08 pm
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Some people are complaining that this Carl's Jr ad is sexist.



You think that's sexist? These are sexist.















Surprisingly, this one's from Burger King.



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In tweets: Amos Yee apologises to Vincent Law... or not?

May 15, 2015, 7:18 pm
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So in the recent weeks I've been bombarded with many questions about Amos Yee in regards to my father, Vincent Law."...
Posted by Francis Micah Law on Saturday, May 16, 2015


I just heard from my mother, that Vincent called her, and said that I should go back to jail, and seek psychiatric...
Posted by Amos Yee on Saturday, May 16, 2015

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Let's think about improving government videos about foreign workers

May 16, 2015, 9:43 pm
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Last week, the Singapore Government released a series of videos with the tagline “Let’s think about it”.

At least, I assume it’s the Singapore Government since the YouTube videos were uploaded by “govsingapore” and look like they have been produced by committee.

They’re not good enough to go viral like the Jurong Point Mother’s Day video and not intentionally bad enough to go viral like the Un-Un-Unbelievable music video.

I would like to offer some suggestions to help improve the three government videos.




TITLE Then What Are You Complaining About?

DESCRIPTION

The video shows a married couple seated in a crowded bus presumably on their way to work.

Another passenger walks by and bumps into the shoulder of the husband, who gets annoyed and starts complaining in Mandarin that it’s crowded everywhere you go.

He says: “I think there are just too many foreigners in Singapore.”

Then the wife says the weirdest thing: “Our home is crowded too. Aren't you forgetting Floridel who’s busy taking care of our kids?”

Husband replies: “I’m not talking about our domestic helper.

“Or bus drivers. Or cleaners. Or restaurant staff. Aiyah!”

The video ends after he whines: “You know, my colleague’s contract is ending soon. He’ll be sent back to India. My boss will definitely ask me to take over his work.”

This is meant to show the irony of him complaining about too many foreigners in Singapore and yet he is upset that his foreign colleague is leaving.

Unfortunately, what it really shows me is that the husband has bigger issues at work than foreigners. If I were his boss and I saw this video, I would probably fire his ass for his poor work attitude.

MY IDEA

In the first place, how crowded can the bus be if the couple found a seat?

And not just for one of them, but for both of them, side by side.

For any rush-hour commuter, that’s like finding a unicorn.

To really show overcrowding on public transport, the couple could be on an MRT train that’s so packed, the wife is accidentally pushed out and her leg slips into the platform gap.



That’s when the husband can start complaining that there are too many foreigners in Singapore.




TITLE Now Even The Boss Has To Work

DESCRIPTION

The video shows a homeowner on the phone, asking for his air-conditioner to be repaired that day.

At the other end of the line, an Ah Beng type says he can only do it next week due to the lack of manpower, blaming the Government for its “hiring quota for foreign labour”.

The homeowner says: “Singapore so hot. How you expect me to survive one week without aircon.”

Ah Beng replies: “What to do? Singaporeans complain too many foreigners. So Government send them back lah!”

The punchline comes when the homeowner says: “Like that, I think I must get two aircons. One just to stand by.”

I have one word for him — fans.

MY IDEA

I understand the lack of air-conditioning can be an emergency for some Singaporeans, but it’s not dire enough.

Instead of a mere broken air-conditioner, the homeowner could be calling to complain that because of a choked pipe, his newly renovated flat is covered with shit like what happened in Punggol last week.



Never mind surviving one week without aircon. Try living one day with faeces on your floor.

Even fans won’t help.




TITLE What Matters Is That We Do A Good Job

DESCRIPTION

The video shows a boy and a girl discussing what they want to do when they grow up.

The girl says she wants to be a lawyer and “make lots of money”.

The boy says he’ll be a banker and make more money than her.

Bursting his bubble, the girl says: “My papa says all the top banking jobs are going to foreigners.”

Unfazed, the boy says: “My papa says as long as you have the right attitude, you will always have the chance to succeed!

“Singaporeans or foreigners does not matter.”

He even offers to hire the girl to be his lawyer when he becomes the boss.

MY IDEA

Why wait till he becomes a boss to hire a lawyer?

The boy could make his own YouTube video and be on trial for electronically transmitting an obscene image and uploading content that contained remarks against Christianity.

Just don’t expect the girl to work pro bono.

She wants to make lots of money.

Kids today...

- Published in The New Paper, 17 May 2015

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I was stunned like vegetable by Deputy PM Tharman Shanmugaratnam

May 23, 2015, 10:04 pm
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Two years ago, Deputy Prime Minister and Finance Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam said something to me and I totally missed it.

I had joined the 10km Jurong Lake Run, which Mr Tharman was flagging off since he’s the Member of Parliament for Jurong GRC.

As he made his way to the podium to flag off the race, he shook hands with a few out of the thousands of runners waiting at the start line. I was one of the lucky few — except I wasn’t so lucky.

I didn’t see him coming and was startled when I suddenly felt someone grabbing my hand. I turned and was stunned like vegetable to see who it was.

Mr Tharman said something to me that I couldn’t hear because I had my earphones on. I only saw his mouth move. All I heard was Weird Al Yankovic or whatever that was playing on my iPhone at the moment.



Then his mouth stopped moving and Mr Tharman looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something.

I did what anyone else would do in that situation — I pretended I heard what he said and just nodded dumbly.

He looked at me somewhat alarmed, like I was the craziest person he had ever met, and quickly moved on to shake hands with less psychotic individuals.

That was when I took off my earphones, but it was too late. He was gone.

I will never know what he said to me, to which a nod was evidently an inappropriate if not deranged response.

Damn you, Weird Al Yankovic!

Why didn’t I take off my earphones immediately instead of being stunned like vegetable?

I’ve regretted my slow reaction ever since but more so last week when I saw the YouTube video of a recent interview with Mr Tharman at the St Gallen Symposium in Switzerland.

The video was shared by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong on Facebook and many were impressed by Mr Tharman’s poised performance.


Last week, DPM Tharman Shanmugaratnam spoke of the Singapore “trampoline” at the 45th St. Gallen Symposium in...
Posted by Lee Hsien Loong on Sunday, May 17, 2015


I suppose I must have heard him speak on TV before, but until that video, I never realised Mr Tharman had such a sonorous Barry White voice and a mellifluous, neutral enough accent that didn’t sound too out of place as he fielded questions from glib British host Stephen Sackur.

At one point during the interview, Sackur said to Mr Tharman: “To some of our sensitive flowers in the West, the authoritarianism that underpins that approach to managing a society feels uncomfortable.”

I googled “sensitive flowers” and got the mimosa plant, which can also be found in Singapore.



When Mr Tharman talked about the British press, Sackur, who also hosts the BBC programme, HARDtalk, said: “You are missing page three of the Sun newspaper and that’s a great loss, I agree.”

I was disappointed that at that moment, Sackur didn’t whip out a copy of the Sun newspaper and show Mr Tharman the naked female breasts on page three, just to see how our DPM would react.

My guess is Mr Tharman wouldn’t snigger like I would.

And snigger I did when I heard Mr Tharman say later in the video: “Singaporeans are, probably more than other societies, broadband-penetrated.”

Hey, who doesn’t enjoy being broadband-penetrated?

But Sackur was just getting warmed up. When Mr Tharman gave an answer that Sackur didn’t like, the host interrupted: “I believe in the sometimes simplicity of yes or no answers.”

If I were Mr Tharman, my response would be: “Have you stopped beating your wife, Mr Sackur? Yes or no answer only, please.”

Not that Mr Tharman didn’t get in a few rejoinders of his own.

When Sackur asked if Singapore believed in “the notion of a safety net”, Mr Tharman replied: “I believe in the notion of a trampoline.”

Sackur retorted: “So people are just bouncing up and down in Singapore.”

Yes, we’re all suddenly members of Cirque du Soleil.



Near the end of the interview, when Mr Tharman mentioned that China has “created a culture of accountability”, Sackur interjected: “Really? I’m slightly baffled by that.”

Mr Tharman said: “We can come back to that if you want to.”

Sackur said: “We don’t have time. We can talk more about China and accountability over coffee, but we can’t do it now.”

I’m sorry, but I can’t picture Mr Tharman and Sackur meeting at Starbucks and discussing world affairs over a couple of Ariana Grandes.



At least Sackur managed to use actual words with Mr Tharman, which is more than I can say for myself.

Hmmm, I wonder... did the minister ask me a yes-or-no question in 2013 and I didn’t hear it?

I hope the question wasn’t whether I had stopped beating my wife because a nod would’ve definitely be the wrong response.

It would explain a lot though.

- Published in The New Paper, 24 May 2015



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18 years of Birthday Boy

May 27, 2015, 11:07 pm
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Dick Lee SG50 song: What else rhymes with 'Singapore'

May 28, 2015, 8:28 pm
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After a preview of the song earlier this month, the official video of NDP 2015 Theme Song: Our Singapore by Dick Lee was released this week.



I've blogged about the song earlier and expressed how annoyed I am by the chorus which ends with the two lines:
A land to treasure right down to the core
Our home, our heart, our Singapore
"Core" is such a jarring word to use in a ballad. It's obvious that Lee just needed something to rhyme with "Singapore".

So I want to propose 10 alternatives to the line "A land to treasure right down to the core" that also rhyme with "Singapore".

They may or may not be better than the original, but they're certainly no worse.
1.
Where national service is every young man's chore
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

2.
When it's GSS, there'll be bargains galore
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

3.
It gets so hot, you'll sweat from every pore
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

4.
The trains are breaking down more than before
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

5.
Where many foreigners can find an open door
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

6.
A land that 6.9 million people can adore
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

7.
Where the cost of living continues to soar
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

8.
Sometimes it resembles Orwell's 1984
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

9.
At Orchard Towers, you can find four floors of whores
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

10.
Will the PAP rule forever more?
Our home, our heart, our Singapore

EARLIER: Dick Lee rhymes 'core' with 'Singapore' because NDP song for SG50

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Singapura: The Musical by foreigners no worse than NDP song by Singaporean

May 30, 2015, 12:13 pm
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Talk about revisionist history.

Who knew that before nationhood, Singaporeans spoke with a Filipino accent?

But then expecting Singapura: The Musical by the Philippines-based 4th Wall Theatre Company to be an accurate portrayal of Singapore’s struggle for independence is like mistaking Les Miserables for a documentary about the French Revolution with singing.



Miserable is also how you can describe the press reviews for Singapura: The Musical, which premiered at the wonderfully refurbished Capitol Theatre earlier this month and will run until June 7.

The Straits Times complained that the musical “suffers from a horrendous lack of focus”, with “thinly drawn characters” and “pleasant but ultimately forgettable” music.

Today newspaper lamented that the 2½-hour musical is “based on real events, but never at any point feels real” and is “about two hours too long”.

With my expectations sufficiently lowered, perhaps it was not surprising that I found myself well entertained when I attended the performance on Friday night.

This was despite me not being entirely sure what was going on for much of the plot.

For example, if the wife owns a “kopitiam”, why does the husband need to work as a bus driver? Just so he can be involved in the Hock Lee bus riot?

By the way, the title Singapura: The Musical is a bit of a misnomer as it suggests a wider scope than is presented. It should be called Hock Lee Bus Riot & Its Consequences: The Musical.



Anyway, the point I want to make is, if my wife is rich enough to own a “kopitiam”, I wouldn’t be driving a bus. I’d be at home shaking leg all day.

I was further confused by the story because I was seated so far away from the stage in literally the Nth row of the circle seats on the third storey (which I had to take a lift to) that I could barely see the actors’ faces and had trouble identifying a few characters.



That’ll teach me for getting the cheapest ticket, which at $75 wasn’t very cheap anyway.

At that price, binoculars should be provided.



But after a while, the plot points and knowing who’s who didn’t matter. Once I let the visuals, songs and history lessons wash over me like magic rainbow dust and went with the flow, that was when I started enjoying myself.

Every time a man in white shirt and pants appeared on stage, I wanted to shout “LKY!” — although the musical strangely doesn’t mention Mr Lee Kuan Yew’s name at all.

So don’t worry, Minister for Culture, Community and Youth Lawrence Wong. No commercialisation of Mr Lee’s name or image here.

Yes, the accents are wrong, but having been conditioned by the mélange of weird accents on Channel 5 TV dramas from Masters Of The Sea to Mata Mata over the years, Singaporeans should be accustomed to foreign accents being passed off as local accents by now.



It’s as if the musical’s Filipino cast members are doing a reverse Amos Yee by trying to sound Singaporean whereas Yee is trying not to sound Singaporean with his American accent.



It’s more than a little ironic that a theatre company from the same country as ex-Tan Tock Seng Hospital employee Ello Ed Mundsel Bello, who once posted on Facebook that “Pinoy better and stronger than Stinkaporeans”, would mount a production celebrating the resilience of Singaporeans during the turmoil of the 50s and 60s.

Ello was charged last month with sedition and lying to the police.

So the musical could be seen as the Fililpinos making up for Ello’s transgressions — or another instance where they’re taking jobs from Singaporeans.

But would the show have been better if it were produced by Singaporeans?

Well, this year’s new official National Day Parade song Our Singapore is written by Dick Lee, a Singaporean, but it’s so generic and facile that it might as well have been outsourced to a foreigner.



In fact, Lee’s song probably wouldn’t sound too out of place in Hock Lee Bus Riot & Its Consequences: The Musical — and I don’t necessarily mean that as a bad thing.

Near the end of the show, (spoiler alert) when the “kopitiam”-owning wife dies of injuries from the MacDonald House bomb blast (end of spoiler), I almost cried.

Does that mean that instead of shaking leg, I have to run the “kopitiam” myself now?

At the end of the musical, I was so moved by the closing song that I wanted to shout “Merdeka!” because I felt somebody needed to.

And I did.

Fortunately, there was no one in the seats near me to tell me to shut up.

Vive la revolution, baby.

- Published in The New Paper, 31 May 2013



EARLIER: Dick Lee rhymes 'core' with 'Singapore' because NDP song for SG50

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'Aisey' or 'aiseh': What did you say?

June 3, 2015, 3:31 am
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Lately, I've been noticing the recurring use of an unfamiliar word.




Aisey.
Posted by SMRT Ltd (Feedback) on Wednesday, May 27, 2015



Indian National Names His Baby "Lee Kuan Yew"LKY fever hits India: A baby boy is named after him, statue to be...
Posted by Mustsharenews.com on Tuesday, April 7, 2015


The word is "aisey" or sometimes spelled as "aiseh".

At first, I thought it was some new Singlish expression, either a Malay word or a phonetisation of a Hokkien word.

There's even a website called Aiseyman.



But then I said it out loud and realised it's not a new expression at all.

It's the old British expression "I say".

Oxford defines it as "used to express surprise or to draw attention to a remark".

So why are people spelling it like it's a Malay or Hokkien word when you can spell it with proper English words?

To co-opt a British expression as our own?

My guess is the people using it aren't aware of its origin and are unwittingly preserving archaic language from our colonial days.



May the sun never set on the empire.

Rule, Britannia!

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SEA Games opener: Even before racist Indian accent, Sharon Au was 'annoying'

June 5, 2015, 11:46 pm
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So Sharon Au has apologised for having a little fun with an Indian girl at the SEA Games opening ceremony last night.

According to an audience member:
In an audience interaction segment before the start of the SEA Games opening ceremony at the National Stadium, emcee Sharon Au approached an Indian girl seated in the stands. The girl did not properly perform the act -- saying aloud a line welcoming foreign contingents (others before her didn't get it right too). Au, speaking into a mike and with the cameras trained on her, shockingly put on a strong Indian accent, and while shaking her head from right to left asked the girl: "What (Vat) happened? What happened?". Earlier, she made fun of the girl's name, Kavya, referencing " caviar".


'Insensitive remark' at SEA Games pre-opening ceremony activity: EDIT: Sharon Au has apologised for what she described...
Posted by Bhavan Jaipragas on Friday, June 5, 2015


Hi everyone, it was truly a magnificent SEA Games Opening Ceremony and I was really honoured to be part of it. Some of...
Posted by Sharon Au on Friday, June 5, 2015


But the accusations of racism have overshadowed earlier complaints that as a co-host, Au was "screaming" and "shrieking" and just plain "sucks".

The criticisms about her voice is ironic considering that she's set to play Mrs Lee Kuan Yew in a musical.

Read the tweets:










































EARLIER: Sharon Au talks about herself (a lot) at Tony Tan's rally

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History on repeat: The Government and The Art Of Charlie Chan Hock Chye

June 7, 2015, 8:13 am
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Someone once said: “Learn from history or you're doomed to repeat it.”

I think it was George Santayana, the late Spanish writer and philosopher.

Or Jesse Ventura, the American former professional wrestler, star of the original Predator movie and philosopher.



I always get the two men confused.

I must be a pretty slow learner because history appears to be on auto-rewind.

First, a little history.

Actually, there has been a lot of history lately.

Call me crazy, but I suspect it may have something to do with SG50.



Last Sunday, I wrote about Singapura: The Musical, which retells the history of Singapore’s struggle for independence from the Filipino perspective with some Pinkerton Syndrome thrown in for romance.

Because, you know, who doesn't want to learn Singapore history from the people we just beat 84-12 in netball in the SEA Games?



Then we have the official music video of this year’s official National Day Parade theme song called Our Singapore by Dick Lee.

At least I think it’s a music video. It looks more like a compilation of Singapore history’s greatest clips interspersed with footage of Lee lip-syncing at the piano.

Let me tell you it’s no Taylor Swift facing off with Selena Gomez as the world explodes in massive fireballs around them.



To show the passage of history, the NDP video starts in black and white, and ends in colour.

That’s all the SG50 magic you get when you hire a visionary local film-maker like Eric Khoo to direct the video.

Still not enough Singapore history for ya?

You can read local comic book artist Sonny Liew's graphic novel, The Art Of Charlie Chan Hock Chye, launched last month.

That is, if you can find a copy.

The book sold out after it was reported that the National Arts Council (NAC) is withdrawing its $8,000 grant from the publisher to fund the project because “the retelling of Singapore’s history in the work potentially undermines the authority or legitimacy of the Government and its public institutions, and thus breaches our funding guidelines”.

The publicity alone is worth more than $8,000.

It’s history repeating itself. Once again, the Government has created publicity and demand for a local work by making things difficult for the artists.

It happened with film-maker Tan Pin Pin’s To Singapore, With Love when MDA classified the documentary as “Not Allowed for All Ratings”, effectively making it illegal to be publicly screened in Singapore.

It happened with the Dim Sum Dollies’ The History Of Singapore Part 2 when the Media Development Authority (MDA) gave the show an Advisory 16 (Some Mature Content) rating three days before the show’s opening.

I don’t recall a time in the history of Singapore when the Government seemed so guarded about the history of Singapore.

But at least it generates some free publicity for the artists.

Yes, I know I’ve written about the Streisand effect in this column before. I’m repeating myself because history is repeating itself.

Someone's not learning from it.

Luckily for Liew, his graphic novel wasn’t banned. Unlike the case of To Singapore, With Love, you don’t have to brave a trip to Johor to buy a copy of The Art Of Charlie Chan Hock Chye.

So it’s win-win for Liew and his publisher, Epigram Books. They can reap the benefits of the publicity from NAC withdrawing its grant and sell the book without any restrictions from the Government. Not even an Advisory 16 rating.

So what’s $8,000?

Heck, I can give Epigram the money.

The boss of Epigram, Mr Edmund Wee, once gave me a freelance job after I was retrenched in 2001 and desperate for income and validation. For that, I will always be grateful.

To pay him back, now that I’m a big-time columnist for The New Paper on Sunday (ahem), I believe I can afford to part with eight measly grand to help Epigram out of the poorhouse (if my wife lets me).

All I ask is a free autographed copy of the book once it’s reprinted — and a cut of the movie deal if the book is turned into a feature film.

Eric Khoo can even direct it.

He can do his black-and-white to colour thing again.

Maybe there will also be The Art Of Charlie Chan Hock Chye: The Musical.

Just keep the Filipinos away from it.

We don’t want history to repeat itself, do we?

- Published in The New Paper, 7 June 2015

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To mourn or celebrate? Kinabalu tragedy versus SEA Games medals

June 9, 2015, 12:30 pm
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Friday was the opening ceremony of the SEA Games in Singapore. On the same day, the Sabah earthquake happened.

This resulted in a bipolar Straits Times front page the next day with the headline "Sabah quake: 8 S'pore kids, 2 teachers missing" and a giant picture of fireworks below it.



So was ST telling us to be concerned about the missing Singaporeans or happy about the SEA Games?

The two emotions sort of cancelled each other out.

Of course, by now, we know that eight Singaporeans have died in the quake, six of them schoolchildren from Tanjong Katong Primary School (TKPS). Two people are still missing. (UPDATE: Their bodies have been found.) It's a national tragedy.

But the Games must go on.

Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong declared Monday a Day of National Remembrance for those killed in the quake and that "one minute of silence will be observed at the beginning of the day at all SEA Games venues", thus conflating the two major news events of the day.

This gave ST the opportunity to make up for the awkward earlier front page with a great front page photo yesterday of players observing a minute of silence before the Singapore-Cambodia football match and spectators holding up signs that said "Prayers for TKPS" in the background.



In a way, that minute of silence gives us permission to enjoy the rest of the SEA Games even as we mourn the quake victims.

And by dedicating their wins to the quake victims and their families, the athletes also help alleviate some of the guilt.

But that doesn't make it any less weird to see on my Facebook news feed celebratory stories about Singapore's medal tally in between heartbreaking stories of those who perished on Mount Kinabalu.

It got me wondering, what if Mr Lee Kuan Yew had died just before the SEA Games? Would the Games be cancelled?

I know a number of events, like a Heartland Chingay Parade, were cancelled or postponed after Mr Lee's death in March, though none of them were as big as the SEA Games.

I think LKY's death was also the last time flags were flown at half-mast until the Kinabalu tragedy.

But to compare Mr Lee to the eight quake victims would be inappropriate. All life is precious. More so than medals.

Not that I'm advocating that the SEA Games should be cancelled or postponed. It would be like trying to stop a speeding non-MRT train. I mean, the organisers have already produced an album of SEA Games songs and everything.

Plus, you know, SG50. The people like their BreadTalk and circuses.

So my sincere condolences to the families and friends of quake victims.

And also... uh... go, Team Singapore?



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Why is Sharon Au's mock accent 'racist' but Dim Sum Dollies' are not?

June 11, 2015, 8:13 pm
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So I went to see The History Of Singapore Part 1 by the Dim Sum Dollies a couple of nights ago.

In the show, the Dollies - Selena Tan, Pam Oei and Denise Tan - and Hossan Leong (whom I believe are all Chinese) play characters of different races - Malay, Indian, Ang Mo and... uh... Chinese.



Leong played an Indian character at least twice.

His first Indian character reminded me of the Indian character in this controversial New York Times cartoon drawn by a Singaporean last year.



Later, Leong put on a bald cap and an Indian accent to play Mahatma Gandhi. It was just one step short of black face.



Judging by the laughter I heard, the Chinese-dominated multi-racial audience thought it was hilarious.

But I was a bit discomforted by the Indian impersonations because days before, Sharon Au was just called "racist" for putting on an Indian accent at the SEA Games opening ceremony.

Was Leong's act racist?

By that measure, was the Dollies impersonating other races racist too?

Or is it because the context is different, the mock accents are acceptable?

What are the rationalistions?

You can say it's just part of the show.

You can say the Dollies are not racist because they're just trying to entertain and not offend. But you can say the same thing about Au.

Well, Au was also talking to an Indian girl when she did her Indian act.

More importantly, Au's interaction with the girl was witnessed by an AFP journalist named Bhavan Jaipragas who was offended enough to demand on Facebook that Au and the SEA Games organisers apologise. And Au has.


'Insensitive remark' at SEA Games pre-opening ceremony activity: EDIT: Sharon Au has apologised for what she described...
Posted by Bhavan Jaipragas on Friday, June 5, 2015


Hi everyone, it was truly a magnificent SEA Games Opening Ceremony and I was really honoured to be part of it. Some of...
Posted by Sharon Au on Friday, June 5, 2015


So is it another case of if no one had complained online and the complaint hadn't go viral, then it wouldn't have been racist?

After all, entertainers impersonating other races for laughs has been going for a long time in Singapore and elsewhere. We have Gurmit Singh playing Phua Chu Kang, Michelle Chong playing Leticia Bongnino and so on.

I know! It's not racist because it's satire.

So far, I haven't read about anyone accusing the Dim Sum Dollies of being racist. Yet.

But the show runs until June 21. So there's still time.

Mr Bhavan Jaipragas should go.




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